Last Post of 2013

It has arrived. As I send away another not so fulfilling year and welcome a new year, it is time to set new goals and wishes for a brand new year ahead...

Goals for 2014:
- excel at work and meet my target of hitting $150k/mth revenue.
- earn more money and save up for ROM this 28th april 2014 or 9th Sept 2015.
- Go on Vacation overseas at least 3 times this year. Once in May, as usual.

Wishes for 2014:
- peace in the family.
- happiness in my life (family, work, love and friendship).
- health to sustain my hectic schedules.
- acceptance by my parents for my relationship.
- Fiancé to find his dream job for us to stablize our future.

Countries I may want to visit this year:
- KL/ Genting Highlands/ Cameron Highlands
- Darwin (pop by Melbourne if possible)
- Phuket/Krabi
- Cebu/Boracay
- Cruise to a nearby country

Review of Goals for 2013

Here were my goals for 2013:
1) Graduate and get my degree conferment
2) Achieve my long awaited promotion to SSN (have been delayed this year due to my poor work performance as a results of coping emotionally during my initial divorce period)
3) Get my parents' approval for my new boyfriend
4) Travel to Sydney/Perth during May and Edinburgh in winter ($$$$$$$)

Review:
1) Graduated at last despite all the crap that 2012 put me through
2) Promoted in sense, although, I have quit KK, I am now holding a higher position and better pay.
3) Parents hasn't approved my boyfriend and never will (as expected) but it doesn't bother me much anyway. My life, my way!
4) Travelled to Bali in May so Sydney/Perth will have to wait.


--------------------- Seriously in need for $$$$$ blessings for 2014 -----------------------------------

Merry Christmas 2013

To all my blog readers out there...
MERRY XMAS AND HAVE A BLESSED 2014 AHEAD!


PS: I have no Christmas mood this year. Life hasn't been exactly good for me. No bonus this year. No Christmas Eve nor NYE half day from work. *Cursed life*

Reasons

You may not be the most handsome guy on earth.
You may not be the richest guy on earth.
You may not be the most influential guy on earth.
You may not be the most capable guy in your career on earth.
You may not be the ideal height that I require in a guy.
You may not be driving a luxurious car.
But I still love you all the same...

I love you because:
- you are able to make me as your top priority.
- you are able to prove to me that looks isn't as important as personality.
- you are able to show me that action speak louder than words.
- you are able to make good your promises to me.
- you are able to comfort me when I down or stressed out.
- you understand my insecurities and respect my past experiences without judging me.
- you are calm enough to analyze what I fail to analyze during times of need.
- you respect me, my job, my life and my close friends.
- you have shown me that you are trying your best to fight for our future and give me a better future with you.
- you have accepted my physical, mental and emotional flaws whole-heartedly.
- you remain stable and reliable regardless how complicated or shaky a situation may be.
- you are always there for me whenever I needed you the most.
- you have shown me that I am far superior compared to your pride and ego.
- you are able to handle me at my worst.

I pray that the coming 2014 would be a good year for the both of us and we would be able to joined in matrimonial union on 28 April 2014 as discussed... I hope to be your lawful wedded wife by the end of 2014. I am more or less ready to committed to another marriage, 'cause I want to trust in you and be part of your future.

Thanks for planning such a sweet and sincere proposal at Jewel Box on 09.09.2013.

1 Month Left to End of 2013

December is here. That means that 2013 is nearly over in another 31 days.  So fast. It seems that 2013 had just whisked by in a jiffy... Another year gone by and I am still stagnant with nothing much to boast or to claim credit for.

I am just wondering how did 2013 past me by so fast? Perhaps it is because 2013 was filled with many changes to my life and I spent 2013 adapting to these changes with regards to family, BGR and work matters. I had no time to breathe and relax, the changes just hit me one after another.

I just hope 2014 would be a better year (as predicted) as I am sick and tired with my current life...  May 2014 bring me more joys than sorrows. 

Once In A While...

Once in a while, I am reminded that I am afterall a divorcee.
Once in a while, I get this naggy feeling that I am not that successful afterall.
Once in a while, I have this passive thoughts that I am suffering the karma of being a self-centred and feminist person as a teenager as well as during my early adulthood.
Once in a while, I feel suppressed under the feet of fate and being played out by God.
Once in a while, I am forced to admit defeat that I am nothing more than just a below average human being.
Once in a while, my life sucks so much that I wish that I never did existed.
Once in a while, I wished I could retreat into my personal dark space and be left alone to wallow in self-pity.
Once in a while, I wonder the reason of existence for my life and how I can fulfill the reason of existence so that I can earn my rights to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and meet my God.
Once in a while, I pray feverishly, even though I know that I was forsaken and perhaps, forgotten by God.
Once in a while, I am misunderstood and misjudged by mortals that think that they know me well enough to rule my life.
Once in a while, I am controlled by my own irrational emotions and insecurities to behave weirdly.
Once in a while, I silently slip into depression without anyone noticing and managed to lie to eveyone else that I am fine.

That's my life of me, myself and I. How pathetic!

More Than A Year Later From 18 Nov 2012

18 Nov 2013 marks 365 days after the freedom of singlehood... Life post-divorce...
Much have changed.
1) He finally disconnected his mobile line as promised. *THANKFULLY, AT LONG LAST*
2) I am engaged.
3) I got my degree with distinction (something he perhaps never expected, 'cause he thought I would give up my studies due to the divorce and that I would 'die' without him).
4) I changed my workplace and am holding a dual position in my new workplace.
5) I am considering, seriously considering getting ROM again in 2014... *just a thought* No concrete plans yet.
6) I am considering to do my Masters In Nursing in the next few years to come or maybe not due to family commitments if I really get married and have a kid/kids
7) I have been travelling around frequently, at least once every 3 months. (something I was unable to do when I was married before.)
8) I am fighting a new battle with my parents and their disapproval of my current relationship. 9) Family dynamics have changed as my dad starts to andropause and becomes a little more temperamental.

Lastly and mostly importantly, I am a much improved me and I have learned to enjoy myself better. I have the full support a good boyfriend or should I say,  fiance, to do whatever I desire, within reasonable boundaries. His love is shown through actions than just words, something that I would appreciate in a relationship.

As 2013 comes to a close in nearly a month more,  I pray for a better 2014 to come in all aspects of my life...

Thoughts (Edited)

1) Wondering how you have been since we went our own ways about 1.5 years ago?
2) Wondering if you have done your own self-reflection and realized what a jerk you were and if do feel a tinge of regret that the marriage had ended in that way?
3) Wondering if you and your family have even moved from Sengkang as I never had a chance (not that I wanted to) bump into you while shopping at Compasspoint or being around Sengkang area to run errands?
4) Wondering if you still do read my blog or have you stopped as promised?
5) Wondering if you finally realized your own dreams to be successful in your career, pursued or pursuing your Masters, gotten your driving licence and own a car?
6) Wondering if karma has found you and taken revenge on my behalf?

As for myself, my life post-divorce is all in this blog. Wouldn't say it has been perfect, neither has it been smooth-sailing, but all I can say is that life hasn't knock me down enough to make me lay down motionless. I am still very much fighting my own race.
I am also no longer the same Amelia that you knew and left. I am much more confident and more sharped tongue when provoked, doubt you wouldn't been able to communicate with me on the same wavelength anymore.
I also have sufficient supportive close friends and relatives with the trials that I faced or am facing in life post-divorce. I am also much appreciative towars you somehow for the divorce. it made me stronger and freed me from an un-natural self. Like you have said to me, "Amelia, let's stop pretending and face it, the love is gone and forcing each other to accept one another isn't gonna work out anymore.", thanks for that wake-up call. Thanks for that snap of realization of truth, the truth that our love had long worn thin and that the marriage was maintained due to pride and fear of losing face.
Although I haven't been able to forgive and forget all that you done (and I know that I will never will), I am just glad I did walk away and survived.
All the best to you. All the best to me. All the best to us, without one another. All the best to us and our future.

New Meaning To Having My Starbucks

Song:  咖啡
By:  张学友

太濃了吧　
否則怎會苦得說不出話
每次都一個人　
在自問自答　
我們的愛到底還在嗎
已經淡了吧　
多放些糖也很難有變化
不如喝完這杯　
就各自回家　
別坐在對面欣賞我的掙扎
一場失敗的愛情像個笑話　
熱的時候心亂如麻
冷了以後看見自己夠傻　
人怎麼會如此容易無法自拔
一場無味的愛情像個謊話　
甜的時候只相信
它苦了以後每一句都可怕　
人怎麼會如此難以了無牽掛

Empty Post

Randomness. Emo-ness.

Forgiveness

During one of his inspirational talks, Nick Vujicic spoke on forgiveness on the hurt caused by those you know and those who you don't. He even apologized on behalf those who had caused hurt knowingly and those who caused hurt unknowingly.

This brought about self-reflection on my own life and heart:
- Have I really forgiven those who had hurt me?
- Have I really let go of those grudges especially when the hurt was done by the ones who were closed to me?
- Have I really come to terms and accept that the ones who had hurt me were just being human and being human equates to err?
- Have I really put down those stones of resentment that I was being hurt and harmed in one way or another?
- Have I really accepted the fact that my history sucked due to those had caused hurt to me?

Guess the true is, NO. As much as I wish to forgive those people who had hurt me, I can't. Perhaps I have accepted my history but I still can't accept the fact that I was hurt by those people, especially the ones whom I had loved and trusted dearly.

The worst is that those who were dear to me and had hurt me had never apologize for the hurt that have caused. They had reflected and realized that hurt and damage were done but they simply refused to apologize as they felt that I deserved it.

Forgiveness is a easy word to preach but a hard task to perform.
Forgiveness is much desired by me but also a challenge to let go of those hurts and bitterness.
I truly hope one day I would be able to proudly say I have forgiven those who I had failed to truly forgive in my life, this includes:
1) my own parents for being biased, not understanding me and being abusive physically when I was younger.
2) my cousins for being judgemental on me due their own parents' prejudice that I was a doomed failure in my own life.
3) my relatives who had despised me that I was a failure as I was unable to achieve good grades in school.
4) Mr Ivan Teng for destroying my impression of first love and misunderstanding me thinking that I was a flirt when the truth was I spiteful towards his hurt.
5) Mr Jeff Ng for failing me as a husband and even had the cheek that he didn't know what he was doing when he had signed on our marriage certificate.  As well as being verbally and emotionally abusive for the last 6 years of our relationship. 

I am no God but that doesn't make me any less a Christian. Perhaps one day, just one day,  I will be able to forgive. Perhaps I would bring these resentment up with me to heaven and ask God for the explanation to those hurts...

The Way You Walked Into My Life

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done
Now I can't go on without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.
I always thought I would stand on my own
Climb a mountain top all alone
Relying, depending on no one
Now look at what you've done
Now I can't go on without you

There will always be somethings that I won't understand

Heard from a colleague that she is having thoughts of divorcing her husband. She is same age as me but married with two kids: 6 and 2 years of age. Not sure how long her husband and her have been married but at least I know that she still has that tiny bit of love in him.

However, I am not sure what is the main issue of their marriage break-down. As much as I want to advise her against divorce but I am unable to do so as I have to keep the dark secret (that I am also divorcee). I wish to share with her that painful process of divorce, how demoralizing it can get being labelled a divorcee, how the society somehow still does stigmatized a divorced woman with/without kids and lastly, the process the divorce would be more draggy due to fighting for custody of her kids. Not to forget, the process of numerous visits to the lawyer's office to file the affidavit of divorce to the waiting for final judgement papers and how nerve wrecking the whole process can get.

I am anti-divorce unless there is a valid reason for divorce, for example, due to emotional/physical/mental abuse or infidelity. I have always been anti-divorce from the day I understood the meaning of love and marriage. That sentiments is even stronger after my own experience of going through a divorce.

Although after a divorce, my life is somehow better and happier, but still, the process and memories of the process I had to go through, just to get a divorce still haunts me. The feeling of being accused indignantly just to end the divorce process as swift as possible is still fresh in my memory and that affidavit, which accused me of being an unreasonable and impossible to tolerate woman, will be kept with me in black and white forever.

Really wish to advice her against divorce but yet, I have to maintain my silence in order to protect my identity...

Fine Line Between 'Refusal' and 'Tried Yet Unable'

Through these years,  my dad had always enforced on the difference between 'able to do something and refusal to do it' and 'unable to do something despite trying very hard to get it done'. However, I only witness and agree to this theory recently.

My ex-husband had me and had everything possible to maintain a happy + blissful marriage. But he chose to give it up for singlehood and selfishness. He had the perfect health to do almost anything and everything he wants, yet he chose to destroy it by being a passive smoker and drinking beer with his pals cum 'bros'. He had a woman who was willing to go through thick and thin with him, even bow down to his egoistic mannerisms, especially during times of arguments and yet he chose give her up as he couldn't see all her good points.

My fiance on the hand isnt that privileged to have a divorcee as his fiancee, especially when I am more defensive and sensitive towards any changes in attitude or behaviour, however, he understands it and puts in all possible effort to maintain this relationship, reinforces my trust in him, using practical actions to win me back after any disagreements. He also puts in effort to build a future with me, works hard to assure that I would have a better future with him.  Although, his skin abnormality hinders him due to social stigma, I can still he tries his best to overcome the odds and face it bravely. His path in life hasnt been easy but he doesn't give up, instead, he finds way to work things out maturely.

My close pal also faces something similar in her fiance. Her fiance is able to give her the bliss she desires but he is unwilling to do so due to selfish reasons and because he was inculcated from young to be independent as well as self-centred. However, he is willing to self-reflect on his mistakes and at least,  tries for short period of time to improve, only to revert back to the same behaviour soon enough. However, due to the essense of love still present in the both of them, the relationship is still working out quite fine.

As for me, I adopted an attitude to try my best only if that certain thing or someone is worth my effort. I am not gonna be the same submissive woman I was 2 years back. Sorry, once bitten twice shy. If you cheat me the first time , shame on you, however if you cheat me the second time,  shame on me. That is why I say my fiance is unfortunate. If he had met me 12 years ago and married me then, he would have the fortune of marrying a good wife. Then again, if he met me 12 years ago, would I have the same maturity as I have now, to look beyond his skin abnormality and fell in love with him? Good question, eh? And, if I had met him 12 years back, did he have the same mature attitude as he has now?

Songs Edited To My Feelings

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I had always wanted you
But I can't live a lie, running for my life
I had always wanted you
I came in like a rainbow
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away

Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
Now you have won and lost me
------------------------------------

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I moved on and survived pretty well without you
---------------------------------------
It is sad to realize that you thought that I would never find someone better than you and I did.
You must be banging your head on the wall in frustration knowing that I am still very much alive without you.
You should be totally blaming yourself for your high-egoistic pride getting in the way in any reconciliation and for letting me go.

I, on the other hand, am glad with my life, my freedom and my frequent travelling trips whenever free...
I must thank you for pushing me away and making me lose patience in you. Without your force to end the dreadful marriage, I wouldn't be experience the current joys as well as wonderful peaceful relationship that I am currently in.
I am truly grateful for your 'wake-up call' to make me realized that what a jerk and failure you are as a human, as a man and what a useless husband you make.
And... nope, I don't hate you as much as I did when we first ended the marriage, in fact, I feel that you have taught me a lesson to see what kind of shit you have given me and the number of lies that you have presented to me.

Another thing: for goodness sake, please be a man of your words and change your phone number. It has been a damnt bloody year since you have proclaimed that you want to move on and change your mobile number...
 

Trials and Tribulations

Do I always have to go through so much obstacles just to get what I want or wish for?
Does it always have to be so hard for me to achieve happiness and smoothness in life?
Is it always so difficult for me to be granted peace in my life?
Why does my life have to go through so much drastic changes for these past few years?
Where is the fairness of the world?
What happened to the justice and karma?
Who can furthur predict my future so I could be more or less prepared mentally for any furthur downfalls?
When will I experience ultimate, everlasting bliss again?

Wish that someone has the answers to the above questions...

Blame Game

You made me go through a divorce that almost wrecked my life.
You gave me strength and the sound mind to face the divorce.
You showed me that I can seek peace and comfort in You. (I never did doubt that.)
But You didn't tell me that the fate of my life would be so twisted.

You snapped me out my false belief that my previous marriage was worth salvaging.
You allowed the divorce to be smooth and swift.
You cushioned the impact of the divorce, saving whatever was left of my esteem.
But You didn't award me the compensation I needed for the crap and rubbish that I had to endure from my ex-husband.

You lead me to trust that character over looks, social status and salary is more important in a committed relationship.
You let me experience true love once more.
You threw me into a few pit-holes, only to show me that I can trust a guy to handle my future.
But You didn't opened the heart and eyes of my parents to look beyond the materialistic and unimportant things.

You gave me a guy to hold my hand and walk through all the broken bridges in my life.
You gave me a guy to protect me from any possible harm.
You made me soften my heart to accept the possibility of marriage once more.
But you also gave me strong parental disapproval and non-acceptance.

You allowed me find a nice potential love-nest.
You awarded me the chance of successful application for the house.
You made me wait in anticipation for its completion.
But You didn't allow it to be mine when it was completed.

What do You exactly want from me?
You showed me hell and yet threaten to make me fall into it.
You gave me a little sweetness only to make me go throughout more bitterness.
You didn't fulfill my wishes for a smooth-sailing life from henceforth.
You forced me choose love over family.
Why can't You give me a average life like You gave others?
Why try to shake my faith in You?

Occasional Memories

Sometimes as I accidentally hear certain songs over the radio or at stores while shopping, it reminds me of Jeff. It can be songs that used to like listening or songs that he had tried to get me to appreciate or even songs that he enjoyed karaoke-ing.
When I listen to those songs, I tend to think that he probably enjoyed listening to them 'cause the lyrics were probably sensible to him and that he associate his thoughts as well as feelings to them.

"flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things have to come to an end"

Of course there are also some songs that reminded on how I felt when I had faced the pitfalls of our frequent arguments and ultimately, my last straw to tolerating his erratic mood swings and behaviour towards me. These songs expressed my patience worn thin versus my love for him as well as my regrets of marrying him versus upholding the holy covenant of staying in the marriage through thick and thin.

"我搞不懂我们到底这么了, 我想不通我们的爱这么了, 雨下以后是否让什么不同。"

Then, there are songs that kind of represent my sadness and heartbreaking thoughts of finally facing a divorce. The mixed feelings of liberation from a mentally torturing relationship versus pity of the end of a 12year relationship with a guy whom I wrongly married, versus social stigma of being a divorcee versus joys of regaining my independence to lead a better life for myself.

"Make it like it never happened and it was nothing.  Now ya just somebody that I used to know..."

Fulfillment

One week into my new job and finally achieved a sense of fulfillment. Managed to intergrate my endoscopy skills and knowledge, with my Advanced Diploma in Oncology knowledge and lastly, with past 6 years of training in O&G.
Familiar words:
- Krukenberg's Tumour
- Stage 4 disease with mets to ovary, colon and peritoneal.
- 5 F.U, Avastin, Cisplatin
- Cervical Etopic Pregnancy
- MTX treatment
- Endometriosis
- Adhesiolysis
- P.I.D

Picked up my lost skill of cleaning, disinfecting of gastroscopes and colonoscopes again after cleaning up 5 scopes.

I am making some progress. Feel so good. Job well done!

New Chapter Begins...

10 Sept 2005: Someone proposed to me, only to break my heart 7 years later. Knew that person for 5 and a half  years and thought he would honour his promise. But in the end he shattered all vows and promises.
Ring-Topaz ring, half eternity setting. White gold.
Flowers- 6 red roses.
Venue- His place (no one as witness).

09 Sept 2013: Someone else proposed to me... Known this person for a year and been happy as well as quite blissful with him. Hopefully my choice won't be wrong this time. Hopefully he won't let me down. Hopefully he would be the one who would walk through life's ups and downs with me, hand in hand, conquering whatever obstacles that comes in our way.
Ring- 2 carat diamond in center with .75 on each side. Trilogy setting. Rose Gold.
Flowers- 6 deep pink calla lilies.
Venue- Jewel Box, Sapphire Restaurant, Mount Faber (Jessilin & Jason, her fiance, as witnesses)

09.09.2013

Perhaps a new chapter to unfold in my life.
Perhaps a baby step regaining my happiness.
Perhaps a new commitment to fulfil.
Perhaps a 'I do' to end it all.

End of KK Employment

Left KK. Time to relax and chill for a while before starting a new chapter of career progression. May the new workplace be one which I would enjoy and be less political. May my new colleagues have good teamwork and team spirit. May I shine in my new workplace and gather mutual respect with colleagues and doctors.

Brings Back Mixed Much Emotions, Especially Anger + Fear...

Standard Marriage Vows used at the the Registry of Marriages (ROM).

Registrar's Address:
Before you are joined in matrimony, it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. Marriage according to law is the union of one man and one woman, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others.

Do I understand that you __________________ and you ________________ are here of your own free will for the purpose of becoming man and wife?
Couple answer together: Yes

To Bridegroom:
Will you, __________________ take this woman ______________ to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?
Answer: I will

To Bride:
Will you, _________________ take this man _________________ to be your wedded husband, to live together in the ligal estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, so long as you both shall live?
Answer: I will

The Rings (optional)...

Registrar's Instructions:
Take this ring and put it upon the third finger of his/her left hand and repeat after me: In token and pledge of our constant faith and
abiding love, with this ring I marry you.

Registrar's Pronouncement:
As both of you have given your consent before me to live together in matrimony and have solemnly promised, each to the other to do so, I now pronounce you two Man and Wife.

Missing My Granny

As I was watching some videos on YouTube, the song 'Fix You' was played and immediately I am reminded of my late granny and the entire period of her cancer: from diagnosis to death.

Being blessed with the knowledge acquired from my Advanced Diploma, I was her palliative nurse, the advocate for her, spokesperson for the family whenever medical decisions is needed and her nurse for venepuncture as well as cannulation.

However, I wasn't allowed to fully grief and to absorb her diagnosis before she was taken away to Heaven in less than 2 months post-diagnosis. I was in the amidst of preparing myself for last Christmas with her in 2011 when she left us 15 days before Christmas.

In a sense, I am partially grateful that she didn't have to suffer so long with the trajectory of cancer and she didn't need to cope with any major medical emergencies. I am also glad that she went peacefully after her breakfast. However, I am upset that I wasn't allowed Christmas with her and that I was denied the chance to fully comprehend the whole diagnosis and the futility of any curative medical options as the cancer was at its final stage when it was diagnosed. I have witnessed her spiral downwards day by day and how she slowly deteriorated in physical strength. I was practically updated daily on her condition and visited her weekly to titrate her morphine dose as well as to assess her needs. It was painful witnessing her deteriorating, yet I am torn between losing her to the angel of death.

Even till today, nearly 2 years after her death, I still feel the grief of losing her. I am often reminded of her, especially when significant events happen in my family or relatives and my life.

She loved all her grandchildren and children lots. Thus, I believe that she is now an angel in Heaven, watching and protecting us all in our lives. But, she can't prevent all mishaps, she can only help to cushion them...

My dearest granny, you will always be dearly missed and never forgotten in my life... Till I see you jn Heaven. *Muacks*

Want to Judge Me? Make Sure Your Hands Are Clean First...

Throughout my life, I have been mis-judged by people. The decisions that I make for myself are often criticised by others. My actions are often misunderstood and taken wrongly by people.

Firstly, before you decide to judge me, please make sure that your hands clean enough and your life is sinless.
Secondly, before you jump to conclusions of who you think I am, please ask yourself if you did walk the same path and share the exact experience as I did? Plus, do you know me well enough to give your opinion?
Thirdly, before you open your mouth to gossip about me, please ensure you have heard the two sides to my story and understood every piece of information presented to you.
Fourthly, before you point your finger at me to criticized me, please ensure that you are some God  or Buddha or Goddess or Almighty. 
Fifthly, before you backstab me, please be sure that you protect yourself from something called 'Karma' aka 'Retribution'. 

It is so sickening to be constantly living under the eyes of others and be ruled as a misfit to the society or to the family.
It is so tiring ro be leading my life according to others' expectation of me, according my 'social status'.
Yes, I have made some bad decisions and choices in life. But who hasn't made wrong choices in their lives only to pick up the mess later?
Even if I do make the wrong turns in life (according to you), it's my life and only I would have the rights to rule it. I am the one walking this life path not you and don't worry, I wouldn't drag you into it if you are not willing to support me.

I am me. Only I can decide what's best for myself. I will choose when to open a new chapter and when to close a chapter in my own life... Stop judging and interfering into my life and concentrate in managing your own life. Thank you.

Countdowns...

In 10 days, I would be pursuing a better future and new start in life. Another chapter of my life begins, a chapter that I had been planning for quite awhile. My working life would be anew. I am going miss my close colleagues whom I had played, worked, joked around, shared my tears and new found happiness with.

In 14 days, I would probably be officially engaged. I would be pursuing my own happiness with a guy whom my parents would totally disagree... I would be sort of his and he will sort of be mine. Who could resist a 2-carat diamond with 0.75-carat diamonds on its left and right, set in Rose-Gold? Haha! Of course, that is not going to be the reason for me accepting the proposal. There are more concrete reasons to it.

Probably in a year, I may be married again. God knows!

Never did visualise my life changing this way. Never had I foreseen myself making such decisions. Guess that is part of life: expect the unexpected changes...

Icy Mint Princess is Back

Had been having crazy days of work recently. The ward is constantly having to deal with high patient workload but low staff head count. MCs daily wasn't helping either.

But I have been blessed with a very loving boyfriend who makes the effort to pick me up from work via cab and accompanying me for supper, or rather late dinner.

The comfort of sitting down with him and having a meal feels great. The warmth of him holding me while walking home feels me with bliss. The thought of him being so kind to pick me from work makes me feel blessed. The conversations we have over dinner and whilst in cab makes me feel less stressed over work matters.

Guess, I am really pampered by him. Back to the position of being a spoilt girlfriend. However, the mere thought of familiarity that matches my past experience scares me. The insecurity of history repeating itself makes me uneasy. Of course my boyfriend reassures that he ain't anything like that jerk, who had left me scars and major hurt. All I can do is trust and pray that history won't repeat itself. All I can do is to hope my boyfriend would remain this sweet and pampering even when he becomes my fiance or husband in the future. All I can do is to hope that I would remain in the same bliss in future no matter what happens.

May God bless this relationship and guide my boyfriend to be a loving fiance and husband to me. May God give me the strength of trust to believe that same horrible history won't befall on me again. May God path our way to cross the obstacle of parental approval.
Amen.

Blessed.

Sometimes I do wonder what have I done to deserve a divorce in my life 'history page'? But at the same time, I would console myself that if I hadn't face a divorce, would I have met my current boyfriend? If my ex-husband and I didn't end the draggy marriage, would I experience the joys of this new relationship with this new guy? Doubt so.
Thus, while my ex-husband is probably enjoying his 'life after divorce' days, I am also basking in the days of being truly loved, cherished and treasured by my boyfriend. I often feel that I am back to those days of being treated like a gem by him. I need not spend my days in fear of being treated with erratic mood swings or being emotionally tied down to a guy who doesn't know how to love me and maintain a harmonious relationship.

♥ Maybe God gave me this boyfriend as a compensation for all the crap that I have been through.
♥ Maybe God allowed this guy into my life to bring me back to the basics of enjoying simple pleasures of life that money can't buy.
♥ Maybe God allowed this guy to bring me the joys of simplicity in this materialistic and practical world.
♥ Maybe God wanted to enlighten me that true love still does exist in this complicated world.
♥ Maybe God wanted me to face a divorce so that I could be freed from a torturous marriage with an egoistic guy who needed a maid or a substitute for his mother, not a wife or partner.
♥ Maybe God made me go through a divorce to bless me with a guy who is more worthy of me and my love.

Yes, I do understand that my boyfriend has lower education, lower salary income, lower family background and isn't exactly 'normal' in looks but at least, he is humble, hardworking and has a much better character than my ex-husband. My boyfriend may not be comparable to my ex-husband in the materialistic aspect of life but he has a commendable better personality,  character,  moral values and most importantly, he is able to give me the security I require in a relationship. I can trust him fully and doesn't need to worry about him taking me for granted.

My eyes had been opened to see that there isn't going to be much happiness if I had maintained my marriage with my ex-husband. Forcing myself to be in an unhappy marriage is detrimental to both my mental health and emotional health.

Of course, this new relationship is not without trials and tribulations of obstacles as well as arguments.  But through each obstacles and argument, we have learnt to treasure each other better and strengthen our relationship to a newer level of intimacy and built our foundation to stabilise the relationship.

Just hope that history will not repeat itself. Hopefully this love will last me through this lifetime. Hopefully this love will not one that I would regret in the future. Afterall, no one can predict the future for sure and only God knows what my future holds...

Uncertain Future

How do I reassure myself that I won't make the same mistake of trusting the wrong guy again?
How can I tell myself that history won't repeat itself in the future?
How can I promise myself that I won't get myself into the same predicament as I was before?
How do I encourage myself to take the risk and walk.into marriage again?
How do I reinforce myself that I would be truly happy and blissful under his care forever?
How do I show myself evidence of his love, care and concern for me is genuine?
How do I assure myself that this bliss I am experiencing will be everlasting?
How do I challenge myself to take this step of being someone's wife again?
How do I build my own confidence in him that he won't change after marriage like that previous jerk?
How do I shake off all these bad memories and overlook the scars that I suffered in the past?

I walked away from a disastrous marriage in April 2012 and wonder if is it too soon for me to step into another potential marriage?
I battled nearly a month of agony facing impending divorce and survived with scars that remind myself of what I had to go through to be who I am and where I am now.  Am I ready to entrust my happiness to another guy?
I gave myself a brand new brave start last year to end up walking into a potential marriage that my parents would furiously object. (Anyway, when have they ever approved any boyfriends of mine...)

3 weeks more to the first year anniversary of the relationship. How time flies? Although this relationship is only 1 year old, I feel very much connected and comfortable with him. It seems like I know him for more than an year.

I have never been lucky in my love life. Hopefully, this time it will be an exception to end all those curses of failed relationship and marriage. Amen.

Meow Love

Had once downloaded this application on my Iphone last year and was chided by someone for being childish as well as 'having nothing better to do'. That person didn't appreciate this application as sweet, romantic and cute.

This time when I chanced upon this application again, I am told that I shared the same sentiments as him and he has since been using it to send me sweet messages of love.

Same application,  two different reaction.

幸福不难

我好想脱下身上的盔甲
好好呼吸一下
每个人都想好好爱一场
其实我也一样
人总会有 悲伤 狂欢 离别和沮丧
经过了才算
学会坚强
带我飞翔
到个安全的地方
是你让我看见未来的希望
幸福不难
就在前方有你陪在我身旁
我才勇敢
你的力量
是无止境的温暖
让我张开翅膀
自由的飞翔
幸福不难
就在前方有你在身旁
我会勇敢
你只想紧握你的手不礬
走到云的顶端
哪怕只拥有一次的绚烂
我会陪你转弯
人总会有 悲伤 狂欢 离别和沮丧
经过了才算学会坚强
带我飞翔
到个安全的地方
是你让我看见未来的希望
幸福不难
就在前方
有你陪在我身旁
我才勇敢
你的力量是无止境的温暖
让我张开翅膀自由的飞翔
幸福不难
就在前方
有你在身旁 我会勇敢
_________________________________
Everyone has to have a hero in their life, just that, that hero may not be someone else but yourself. I am not sure if I have found my hero but I guess the hero inside me should be suffice for now.

Been having weird dreams recently. Some dreams that brings tormented tears and some dreams just weird beyond explanation. But through these dreams I know that I am scarred and fearful of making the same dreaded mistake. Perhaps no one would really understand the pain that I went through to become who I am today, 'cause people would tell me to move on and remind me that I found a better guy to trust my future with. However, they forgot that although I am newly healed, I still carry the scars of a failed marriage and the memories of how much I struggled to keep the marriage together, only to have failed.

All I can do now is to walk on the path of life, praying that the same mistake would not be made. Afterall,  no one can predict the future... It may be good or it may turn out bad. Whatever it is, I have to still run the race until the end of my life journey.

Love Isn't Always A Bed Of Roses

Sometimes love is just a bunch of calla lilies: Seasonal. Colourful. Pretty. But not everlasting.

Nothing in life is promised.  Promises are made to be broken.
What matters is finding the right one who honours his words, promises and vows.

Something random... No pun intended.

Submitted a Long Due Letter

Today is the day I submit my long due resignation letter. I didn't submit it personally to my nursing manager as I felt that I wouldn't have the courage or heart to witness her reaction. Although, it was never a secret to her that I was planning to leave but I still think the resignation would come as a surprise.

I just left the resignation letter on her table for her to discover it later today.

I had thought that I would experience a sense of happiness after submission of the resignation letter but instead, a sense of mixed emotions overwhelmed me: relieve yet sad, happiness yet reluctance,  satisfaction yet anger.

So guess this is it! I am finally doing what I had planned,  to start my life anew with another organisation, where no one knows that I am a divorcee and where no one knows my dark, hidden secrets. Starting in new workplace, where I would I start life afresh and hopefully succeed in my dreams of being an educator to my juniors, team player to my colleagues, advocate and advisor to my patients.

I wouldn't be saying where I am heading to on this blog as I want to play safe, just in case my ex-husband still reads this blog. I don't wish him to disrupt my future plans and new life. But I have done as 'promised' to him, to start a better new life without him, to move on to a more blissful future without him.

May God bless this new future and new career that I am seeking. Amen.

十万毫升泪水

知道我不完美　能给的我都给
于是天蓝转灰转黑　也微笑不插嘴
这一次会气馁　连平凡爱一回
都才将心给谁　马上又被粉碎
满意了吗　你究竟有完没完
你烦不烦　总考验我多勇敢
有那么难　那么幸福和美满
我不贪婪　只求多些夜晚　不鼻酸 不孤单
我想要的快乐很简单　你都不管
人的一生会积累　
以为哭完苦悲苦味　能换来好结尾
并不是我后悔　爱会痛我奉陪
只是轮到我没　谁视我为宝贝
满意了吗　你究竟有完没完
你烦不烦　总考验我多勇敢
有那么难　那么幸福和美满
我不贪婪　只求多些夜晚　不鼻酸　不孤单
我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管
有完没完　我已无条件投降
我要归还　向你借来的勇敢
我不野蛮　不属于我的美满
都不贪婪　只求一到夜晚　有期盼 有陪伴
我想要你给我个答案 你却不管
你都不管
你别不管
我的伤感

Whatspp Message From Me, To Someone

Dont mind my lengthy whatsapp message at such a wee hours of the morning, but I feel the need to share this realization with you, my dearest pal cum bestie...
You know we often ask ourselves what kind of guy is suitable for us and the kind we r dating will be the one we can trust in?
This logic just came to me after a little shedding of tears due to the recall of how that jerk had betrayed my 12yrs of love with just a welt of divorce papers.
The suitable guy for you is akin to a pair of shoes. Everyone's feet is different: different structure, size, venous positions, skin texture and curvature of the sole.
Thus, the suitable guy would be like a good pair shoes, fitted for you: no need to squeeze in, no need to force the shoes to accommodate to your foot, comfortable and yet fitting.
Of course, after wearing the new pair shoes for the first few long hours, there are bound to be some aches (arguements) and maybe small blisters (hiccups causing tears to your eyes), right? But do we throw away that pair of shoes? Depending on the price of shoes you paid for and if u can still trust the shoes to give u the ultimate comfort u desire, we make the decision to throw the shoes away or to try to break into the shoes again. 
Let's say, we don't throw the shoes again due to some reasons and eventually managed to break into the shoes comfortably now, even managing to get a little space to wriggle the toes, we r happy with the shoes and will be more inclined to wear the same pair of shoes ard as long as the shoe serves its purpose and doesnt spoil on us.
Same for our relationship and our man. We will know if he is the one after a few weeks or months depending on how frequent and long u pa-tor. If he fits u snuggly, afterall, den he is the one for u.
PS: Cinderalla didnt break her glass shoes/slippers (but Disney didnt say if she got corns or blisters wearing them). She still found her Prince Charming using that glass shoes/slippers.

Once the shoes is more or less comfortable for u and friction wears off, u bring it the cobbler to get new soles or heels right? Same, the occasional hiccups and renewal r/s post argument is the change of soles or heels.
Marriage is a total different thing from this shoe analogy...
Just bear in mind, at times u may also thrown tantrums at ur shoes for too wet after wearing it in the rain and dont wear them for the next few days while it dries. I am sure you won't throw your shoes away just because it is damp or wet right? (Same for cold wars, so dont toss your relationship out of the window so quickly due to arguements ending in cold wars)

Just a Fool

Another shot of whisky please bartender
Keep it coming till I don't remember at all
How bad it hurts when you're gone
Turn the music up a little bit louder
Just gotta get past the midnight hour
Maybe tomorrow it won't
Be this hard
Who am I kidding
I know what I'm missing
I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel
And I waited and waited so long
For someone to never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool
I said that I don't care
I'd walk away
Whatever
And I tell myself we were bad together
But that's just me trying to move on without you But who am I kidding
I know what I'm missing
Hey
I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who know that love was so cruel
And I waited and waited so long
For someone who never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool
For holding on to something that's never ever gonna come back
I can't accept that it's lost
I should have let it go
Held my tongue
Can't fight the motion
Cause now everything's so wrong
I'm thrown
I'm just a fool
A fool for you
I'm just a fool
I had my heart set on you
And nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel
And I waited and waited so long
For someone who never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool

My Life Didn't Suck Without You

Looking back for the past year since I walked out my failed marriage to an useless jerk, my life had improved. Sure, I did hit rock bottom when the marriage ended in divorce, but, soon after, I bounced back to start my life anew, I am seeing improvements to my self-worth and self-esteem.
Achievements post-divorce:
1) I made it through my degree and graduated with distinctions.
2) I found someone who treasures me more than anything else.
3) My temper also improved due to my better outlook of life.
4) I have more true friends and wider social circle.
5) My bf and I enjoy double dates with friends and their bfs.
6) My bf and I are planning for our future as a couple rather than as an individual.
7) My life is more enriched with things that I had missed out.
8) I am enjoying my freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have a supportive bf, who understands my need for fun and freedom.
9) I am exploring new places overseas and locally, without being told that certain places are 'far', or '无聊' .
10) I am constantly reminded that life is good without my ex-husband, even minor details of my life has improved.
11) The relationship between my parents and I have slightly improved.

Of course I am also facing some problems post-divorce, which includes:
1) Societal reaction when people knows that I am a divorcee with a bf.
2) Parents being more strict with my current bf and having difficulties accepting that I am attached  again.
3) Mocking statements made by back-stabbing and gossipy colleagues of my divorce and how my character may be associated to the end of the marriage.

Comparing the above, it still proves to me that not contesting to the divorce with him was the right decision for me. I just hope that my next marriage would not end up with a divorce again but no one can gurantee anything and seriously, only time can prove if the next marriage will work out well... Like what my aunt once said to me, '人 suay 一次就好, 不会suay多一次。If really suay again, then 认命 .'

With that statement from her, I took the gamble to fall in love again and am fighting all odds to make this current relationship accepted by my parents.  Tough fight, but I just hope it would be worth the effort.

2nd Chance @ Happiness?

This ring would be presented to me in 2 months time. 

Not sure how it would be present to me and unsure how I react to it. After a failed 12 years of relationship, consisting 6 years being married to the wrong guy, I am not sure I would take the leap of faith again and trust in marriage once more. 

This current guy treats me definitely much better than my ex-husband and I guess I would be quite pampered by him. But what if history repeats itself? 

As usual my parents are objecting to this current relationship as the guy isn't rich or well-qualified. However many friends and colleagues are positive that this current guy would bring much joy and happiness to me. Anyway, my ex-husband was well-qualified (in the end) and life was getting a bit 'richer', but what happened in the end? Still ended up in a divorce due to lack of love and intolerance to my natural mannerisms as well as behaviour or reaction to events. Evidences of poor communication and the inevitable divorce still occurred. 

I understand that no woman would want to walk into a marriage thinking of an ultimate divorce unless she was hankering over the guy's wealth or benefits post-divorce. Naturally same for me. I didn't walk down the aisle to expect a divorce years later and I am glad that I managed to pick myself up within a short period of time. Thus, I hope and cross my fingers that I wouldn't have to deal with divorce again.  

Guess, I will observe another 2 months before making that final decision when he chooses to propose to me in September. Can see his sincerity in planning for it. Can feel his genuineness in wanting to make me his wife. Can tell that this guy wouldn't tell me years later that he doesn't love me anymore or give me crappy excuse that he didn't know what he had signed for at ROM. 

PS: this is a 2 carats diamond ring with 0.75 carat diamonds at each side, not some blue topaz ring. 

Conscience VS Friendship

Once in a while,  God puts me in a situation to test my integrity and moral values. Today, He gave me a dilemma to choose between friendship VS doing what is right for a patient. I am not sure if I should be thanking Him for showing me the true colours of certain people whom I once called close friends or be thankful that through such situations, I managed to stay true to myself and choose moral values and principles of being a nurse over friendship.

I have lost another two people whom were once called my close friends at work. They expected me to keep mum about an error being made, which caused a patient to not get her prescipted dose of Morphine regularly. I was expected by them to not bring up the error to higher management. Although the management decided not to pursue this matter any furthur and the matter has rest but I am now viewed as a backstabber and common enemy by my ward staff.

Sure, I don't gain anything from reporting this matter and have even lost two friends but at least, I can answer my own conscience and that is most important to me. I can't hide from my own conscience.  I am answerable to myself and God that I had done the best to my own knowledge. Knowing myself that if I had failed to bring up this matter, I wouldn't be sleep well at night and would be constantly be nagged mentally by my conscience for not doing the right thing.

It is really disappointing to see the ugly side of these two people whom I once viewed them as full of integrity and morals. It is really sad to witness how they gossiped behind my back on Facebook thinking that I won't have access to that post.  It is really hurting to know that they misunderstood me as a backstabber and my intentions as a fault- finder. But I guess I don't fully blame them, it is just human to want to cover their asses when mistakes arise and when guilt conscience eats them up.

May God bless me with more worthy friends in future and I pray for a better job offer to walk away from such flawed organisational culture. Amen.

Ruined My Life

Found this 'quote' or rather 'rant' online and it reminded me of someone that I used to know or perhaps, someone whom I used to love loads.
I would believe that my life would be better if I hadn't met him and if I hadn't decide to fall deeply in love with him enough to marry him. Yes, frankly, I am still quite bitter that he has wasted all my 12 years on him as well as my efforts to maintain a fulfilling marriage with him. Heartless creep!
Wishing that I :
- hadn't met him
- hadn't loved him
- hadn't married him
- hadn't had to try so hard for him
- hadn't trust him with my future
- hadn't allowed him to make use of me
- hadn't chose him over other guys

Shit him!

Hazy Days

Wonder how many people have died due to the haze? Highest PSI of 401 today.
When is the government going to do anything about it?
Every day I reach home from work with a headache and scratchy throat. When will the rain come???

Post-Grad Celebration

Lunch: Home cooked- Steamed Grey Mullet,  Stir fried mushrooms and Garlic Fried Sweet Potato Leaf.
Movie: Jurassic Park 3D
Shopping: Katong 112
Dinner: Manhattan Fish Market

Graduated With Distinction?!

Finally the day I waited has come. But the main surprise to me is that I graduated with distinction!
All my life, I had never been a distinction in academic studies. I was never good in my studies, but today, to graduate with a distinction to my name? I have done myself, my parents and my late granny proud.

Speaking of my late granny, it is really a pity that she is around physically to witness my graduation as much as I know, she would like to be around to see me wearing this mortar board and graduation gown. When she was alive, she would tell me that if I could, I should be a 'graduate' and do my degree. Today, I made her wishes come true. I know she should be smiling in heaven witnessing me getting my degree.

Anyway, I am still blessed by the strength of God to make it through a crazy year of 2012 and still being to graduate smoothly. I am blessed by my guardian angels that I got my distinction. I am honoured to be where I am today despite all.

Thank you to God, Guardian Angels, My Parents and Myself.

Who am I?

Sometimes I wish that I could go back in time to amend some of my decisions made in life.
Sometimes I wish that I could understand what I am put on Earth to do so I can focus on finishing my task and go back to where I truly belong.
Sometimes I wish that I could foresee my own destiny and avoid any disaster that may potentially harm my own ego or pride or self-esteem.
Sometimes I wish that I had the strength to fight for what I believe in and have the persuasion power to convince my parents that I know what I am doing and willing to face whatever obstacles that may be placed in front of me. All I need is their love and support.
Sometimes I wish that God would work His miracles through me and bless my patients to recover when put under my care.
Sometimes I wish that time would stop in its steps to allow me to breathe and relax before throwing in another situation for me to settle.
Sometimes I wish that people will stop judging my decisions or my choices made or envying me for whom they think or perceive I am. I am not that perfect. I am not without scars. I am not that stable.
Sometimes I wish that there would be a potion for me to drink in order to erase all bad memories that I carry with me as a reminder of my pathetic life.
Sometimes I wish that someone would be able to take me by the hand and tell me to allow him/her to carry some of my burdens.
Sometimes I wish that someone could hug me and ask me to release my pent up sadness, anger and disappointments all out.
Sometimes I wish that no one in life has ever betrayed my trust. I really want to fully trust someone and depend him/her in times of need. I want to that someone to be my wall to lean on whenever I feel too tired or weak to continue fight my battles of life.
Sometimes I wish that my life wasn't that fucked up.
Sometimes I wish that my life wasn't that complicated.
Sometimes I wish for simplicity.

Most of all, I wish for a better future and life from this day forth.

No Use Envying

人比人会气死人。
家家都有一本难念的经。

Some people have asked me how I survive all the crap that I have been through and still remain so strong, even strong enough to pass my degree studies and graduate...
All I can say is... I seriously don't know. Perhaps it is by the strength of God and His blessing.

So don't judge me, 'cause you are not me and you don't even have the rights to judge me unless you have been through exactly what I have been through.
Neither do I want anyone to envy me, 'cause I had to deal with my own inferiority complex and difficulties to step out into the reality of this world again to become who I am now.

Back From Bali

 

And yeah, so I have turned 30 and the truth of being old has finally sinked in but what the heck! As long as I feel young at heart and keep my own mindset of being young is more important than what others think.

Back to reality, rest another day before starting work and preparing for my graduation ceremony in June, followed by tentaively job seeking before tendering my resignation. Time for me to move on in my career and start my life afresh with no one in my work-place knowing that I have been married before. Somehow, I feel that I need to get away from colleagues asking me about my failed marriage and using it against me behind my back. Argh! I just hate work politics, backstabbers and gossip-spreading bitches.

 

First Step into 3-0!

Last night, spent my last few hours as a 29 year old person jamming at a Hard Rock concert. My bf also gave me 2 surprise: present and a song dedication. Sweet!
Today, spent the day shopping and chillax-ing in the hotel room. Bought some souvenirs and shirt. Walked along the beach collecting seashells in the evening.
Finally, being 30 years old now has sunk in, thus, I shall close my post with my birthday wish: May the rest of life from this day forth be filled with peace, happiness, bliss and smooth-sailing, without any more major setbacks and ego destroying matters.
Good night.

Countdown: 5 days more

2 days more and I am out of town.  Being 'blessed' with high grade fever. Thankful for a loving bf and a good buddy, I am afebrile again.

Btw, CW, I received your birthday package! Thanks! Hopefully you will receive your birthday present soon too... Hope it would not arrive later than your actual day.

In the meanwhile:
1) Happy Birthday to CW and Me.
2) Happy Mothers' Day to those celebrating it.
3) Happy Nurses' Day to those celebrating it on 12th May.
4) Wishing me a blessed trip and safe trip back next week.

Ciao! The next time I blog would be as a '30 year old hag', enjoying my last few days as a 29 year old woman. Lolx!

Countdown to Turning 3-0

In a week's time I was would be turning 30 soon. Not something that I am looking forward to, though I am looking forward for my trip to Bali in a few days time.

I feel old thinking of that age, especially when I compare myself to other people, who are still in their 20s. What makes me feel worst is seeing my peers being more 'successful' in their lives, living their lives being married or married with kids and having good careers. Although I am not sure if that is/was the life they wanted and if having kids is/was a regrettable event in their lives, but I frequently see that they are happily posting the pictures of their happy faces with their spouses and kids on Facebook... Thus, I would be incline to believe they are contented.

When I reflect on myself and all the craps that I been through, I do somehow pity myself but yet I am proud of myself for making it this far, being strong for myself,  facing all the negativities that God put me through. I have been taught that nothing in life is stable. I have learnt that there is no guarantees in life: somethings can look stable and everlasting but nothing is promised. I made the mistake of compromising my own happiness and pride in order to live my life a lie.  I have cheated myself thinking as long as I work hard to achieve something, pretending that I was happy and that it would be mine forever. Dead wrong.

So, as I start living my life as a 30 year old woman, I am ready to put myself as top priority and my own happiness before others. I shall do things that please myself as long as it doesn't betray my own moral values and principles in life. I shall lead my life the way I want to.  I had enough of people dictating how I should be living my life. I had enough of people telling me to follow their idea of what is happiness. I had enough of people saying that I would regret if I don't take their advices. They are not me, so how would they know what I want in life and what brings gladness to me? How would they know about shit I went through and how much courage I had to muster just to make it to what I am today?

I just hope that life after 30 would be more smooth sailing for me. I really hope that life after 30 would be more merciful on me and don't let any major setbacks to occur. May the joyous events in my life from this day forth over-exceed the negative events.

Time to head to bed and stop all this emo-ness of life as well as the dread of turning 30... Good night folks!

PS:
1) Happy Birthday to my '妹妹' who also be turning 30 soon and wishing her also a fulfilling life after 30.
2) Happy Mothers' Day to all mums reading my posts.

Nurse-Patient Relationship

As a nurse, I am constantly reminded to maintain a professional relationship towards my patients and especially in my field of work, not to develop any form of close bond towards my patients. However, once in a while, there comes one patient whom you can't help but feel the closeness to her. Thus, I always end up developing this a close bond cum friendship with her and her family members. She becomes like my friend whom I would share our 'secrets' and comfort one another. I am her nurse, thus, I comfort her by alleviating her symptoms of cancer progression and when the end of life is near, I become her palliative nurse, adjusting her medications, titrating it according to her needs. I become her advocate to her family members and to doctors.

As she fades off to end her journey of life, as painful as it gets, I have to end our friendship with an appropriate closure. Tears will drop while she is no longer able to respond to me, I would shed a tear or two as I share the last few moments with her alone. It is a blessing from God that I still get to hold her hand as her breath shallows.

Although half of me would pray that she wouldn't die in front of me, for fear that I would lose my professional coolness but half of me would hope that she will die during my shift as a form of a closure and so that I could end my friendship with her with what we call 'The Last Office'.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do... A Nurse. Not just an ordinary nurse, but a nurse who has feelings for her patients. A nurse who risk her professional boundaries to develop friendship and feelings for her patients and their families.

God bless their last journeys back to Heaven, where their souls may rest in eternal peace.

If I Should Die

If I should die anytime from now, I would like the following:

1) I want to be lying in a pink tinted acrylic coffin
2) I want to wear an ivory, tube, ballerina wedding gown.
3) Christian funeral rites
4) Buried
5) Obituary stating that I had lived a brave life. (I feel that I am much stronger than I thought I would be.)
6) If possible, my organs donated to those who need it or for medical research purposes.
7) Tears are allowed at my funeral but they should forever be stopped after my funeral period ends.
8) Any of my ex-boyfriends are allowed at my funeral, except my ex-husband, as I feel that he no longer owes me anything. Vice-versa.
9) In the event that my body isn't 'whole' due to mutilation or bomb blast or plane crash, don't bother having a funeral for me. Just light a candle in memory of me as a form of 'send off' for me.
10) After my death, don't bother remembering my death anniversary. Just remember me by lighting a candle every year on my birthday.

PS: Life is unpredictable. I just wanna to be sure that someone will be able to bring this post of my post-death wishes to my parents, future partner or future kids.

0-10 Narcissism Before I Die (Choy!)

Countdown: 3 weeks more before my trip to Bali.
Last week's news: Lion Air landing into the sea instead of Bali island.
This week's news: Boston bombing leaving many wound and few fatalities.

These above news had me reflecting on my safety and life during the Bali trip... What if my air plane crashed instead of landiny safely? What if Bali were to be targeted for bombing again during my holidays there?

Well, if God wants to take me back with Him before/during/soon after my 30th birthday, I can't stop Him, right? All I can say is all is Heaven's will and like it or not, everything is pre-destinated. If I am meant to die, I can't avoid death. If I am not meant to die yet, there would be obstacles to prevent my death.

So be it my last few weeks alive or not, I am still going to just be me and stop fretting over the news or whatever people says to warn me about my upcoming trip...

1 Year On

13 April 2012: I moved out of Sengkang, walked out of an unhappy marriage. I made the choice to respect his wishes for a divorce. I made the decision to move on with my life, away from any more negative emotions attached to being his wife. I decided that I had enough of his threat of divorce. I did what I felt was right for me and my future. We both decided that we had enough pretending to the world that we were happily in love and married.

13 April 2013: I am back in love with someone whom I think is better in accepting me for me. I am a girlfriend to someone who is able to handle conflicts maturely and is able to deal with my emotions who rationally as well as calm me down whenever I am upset over stuff. I am reminded constantly what I seek in a relationship involving love daily. I am able to speak my thoughts and behave freely, without the fear of saying or doing the wrong things. I am able to communicate my feelings with him without the fear of being called immature, irrational, mad, unreasonable, spoilt or demanding.

1 year has passed since the day I almost sunk into depression due to a failed marriage. I am still occasionally haunted of the arguement over a plate of chicken rice, escalating to end up in a divorce. I still have the memories of my deeply overwhelmed emotions so much so that I have to jet over to Melbourne to take a breather and settle my emotions before returning to face the impending divorce process.

I thank God and to those who had stayed by me, supporting me psychologically and emotionally. I am grateful for everyone who had helped me step out of the taboo of being a divorcee. Thankfully God made me strong enough to ride through this storm with the help of close friends, family members, relatives and blessing me with a boyfriend who is better than my ex-husband in personality and maturity level.

May my journey be smooth from now onwards. No more devastating relationship related issues and no more emotional roller coaster rides. Amen.

Love Doesn't Involve Politics

Over the past few days, I have been tending a close friend's BGR issues. The insomnia and frustrations that she has been experiencing sounds so familiar to me. The fact of threading on thin ice, for fear of an argument with her bf and the totally heck care bf brings me back to a year ago.
I am reminded that I broke free from that dumb-ass routine of being the fearful and 'obedient' partner to a totally selfish and self-conceited husband.
As I 'celebrate' my anniversary of being a divorcee on 13th April, I am thankful for the fact that I can live my life fearlessly and do whatever or say whatever I want as long as I don't betray my own conscience. I need not thread on thin ice wondering if my words would spark any arguments or would my sms-es cause an explosion of negative emotions of verbal abuse and emotional abuse.
I am inclined to believe that he is also having a good life as a single person as he once told me that he had enough of me and sick of being married when he craved for single life.
I just wish my close friend all the best and advised her to be careful with her bf as I know he has intention to break off with her sooner or later but he doesn't want to be the 'bad person', thus he would be installing a CCTV to capture her behaviour while he attempts to annoy her and use it against her when mentioning the subject of break-up.
When there is politics in a relationship, it is not called love anymore. When there is an intention to backstab one another, love doesn't exist anymore. Love in this era isn't as simple and everlasting as compared to our parents' or grandparents' era. Sigh.

Mixed Personality Me

I may look confident on the outside but inside, I am insecure.
I may look strong on the outside but inside, I am vulnerable.
I may seem to care-less of the world that revolves around me but, I am one person who reads deeply into everyone or everything.
I may seen not to be haunted by my setbacks but, actually I am bothered by my own past.
I may seem nonchalant about what others think of me but, in fact, I am self conscious of what people gossip about me.
I can be happy but deep down be bothered.
I can be seen quiet at times but actually I am deep in thoughts.
I am easily affected by my own emotions.
I may seem to get over matters fast and forgive people easily but in reality, I am petty and bear grudges hoping for karma to hit you in the face while I sit down and watch you suffer or writher in pain.
I may have gotten over certains matters but in real life, I have used my own downfalls as life lessons.
This is me. This is Amelia. This is my life.  This is my complicated personality.  This is me, multi-faced dealing what life throws at me.