As I was watching some videos on YouTube, the song 'Fix You' was played and immediately I am reminded of my late granny and the entire period of her cancer: from diagnosis to death.
Being blessed with the knowledge acquired from my Advanced Diploma, I was her palliative nurse, the advocate for her, spokesperson for the family whenever medical decisions is needed and her nurse for venepuncture as well as cannulation.
However, I wasn't allowed to fully grief and to absorb her diagnosis before she was taken away to Heaven in less than 2 months post-diagnosis. I was in the amidst of preparing myself for last Christmas with her in 2011 when she left us 15 days before Christmas.
In a sense, I am partially grateful that she didn't have to suffer so long with the trajectory of cancer and she didn't need to cope with any major medical emergencies. I am also glad that she went peacefully after her breakfast. However, I am upset that I wasn't allowed Christmas with her and that I was denied the chance to fully comprehend the whole diagnosis and the futility of any curative medical options as the cancer was at its final stage when it was diagnosed. I have witnessed her spiral downwards day by day and how she slowly deteriorated in physical strength. I was practically updated daily on her condition and visited her weekly to titrate her morphine dose as well as to assess her needs. It was painful witnessing her deteriorating, yet I am torn between losing her to the angel of death.
Even till today, nearly 2 years after her death, I still feel the grief of losing her. I am often reminded of her, especially when significant events happen in my family or relatives and my life.
She loved all her grandchildren and children lots. Thus, I believe that she is now an angel in Heaven, watching and protecting us all in our lives. But, she can't prevent all mishaps, she can only help to cushion them...
My dearest granny, you will always be dearly missed and never forgotten in my life... Till I see you jn Heaven. *Muacks*
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