I chanced upon this song while shopping along Bugis street and it reminded me of you. I remember you once asked me to listen to this song (months ago, before we ended this marriage) and asked me for my opinion. I told you that I didn't like it and couldn't appreciate it.
Now, months later, I went home to find out more about this song and realized that this song lyrics is quite meaningful, especially now that we have parted ways...
Anyway, here's the song dedicated back to you to end 2012. I shan't and don't wish to read too much into this song + its lyrics and jump to baseless conclusion to why you had asked me to listen to this song in the first place. I shall presume that you just wanted me to appreciate the song on the same level as you did and not to ask me to decipher the lyrics word for word...
By the way, I know you still do read my blog and I don't mind you doing so. Afterall, this blog is public and if I dare to put it up, I would dare to publicise it for ANYONE and EVERYONE to read. So, here's my sincere wishes + blessings for you to also start 2013 anew and hope 2013 would be a better year for you as well as your future endeavours...
ฉัน ยัง เป็น คน ที่รัก เธอ หมดใจ
chan yang bpen kon tee rak ter mot jai
I’m still the man who loves you wholeheartedly
ฉัน ยัง ได้แต่ คิดถึง เธอ เรื่อยไป
chan yang dai dtae kit teung ter reuay bpai
I still can only think of you constantly
ฉัน ยัง ดู รูปถ่าย ที่ เรา ชิดใกล้ อยู่ ทุกวัน
chan yang doo roop taai tee rao chit glai yoo tuk wan
I still look at our pictures of when we were close everyday
ฉัน ยัง รอคอย ให้ เธอ นั้น กลับมา
chan yang ror koi hai ter nan glap maa
I’m still waiting for you to come back
ฉัน ยัง กา ปฏิทิน ทุก คืนวัน
chan yang gaa bpa-dti-tin tuk keun-wan
I still cross off each day on the calendar
เพราะ คำ เดียว ระยะทาง ที่มา ขวางกั้น เรา ไว้
pror kam dieow ra-ya taang tee maa kwaang gan rao wai
Because one word stood in our way and kept us apart
* ได้แต่ คิด แล้วก็ สงสัย อยู่ ตรงนั้น เธอ เป็นอย่างไร ก็ ไม่รู้
* dai dtae kit laew gor song-sai yoo dtrong nan ter bpen yaang rai gor mai roo
I can only think and then wonder. I have no idea how you’re doing over there
ฝาก เพลง นี้ ให้ ไป ถาม เธอ ดู อยากจะ รู้ ใน ความเป็นไป
faak playng nee hai bpai taam ter doo yaak ja roo nai kwaam bpen bpai
I’ll send over this song to ask you. I want to know what’s going on.
** เธอ ยัง คิดถึง ฉัน ทุก นาที รึเปล่า
** ter yang kit teung chan tuk naa-tee reu bplao
Do you still think of me every single minute?
เธอ ยัง จำ เรื่อง เรา ใน วัน วาน ได้ หรือไม่
ter yang jam reuang rao nai wan waan dai reu mai
Do you still recall yesterday’s memories?
เธอ ยัง มี ใจ ให้ ฉัน คนเดียว ยัง รอ ฉัน แค่ คนเดียว
ter yang mee jai hai chan kon dieow yang ror chan kae kon dieow
Are you still faithful to only me? Still waiting for only me?
เธอ ยังคง เป็น เหมือนเดิม อยู่ ใช่ไหม
ter yang kong bpen meuan derm yoo chai mai
You’re still the same person as before, right?
ช่วย บอก ให้รู้ ที
chuay bok hai roo tee
Please let me know
ฉัน กลัว ใคร ทำให้ เธอ นั้น เปลี่ยนไป
chan glua krai tam hai ter nan bplian bpai
I’m afraid someone is going to change you
ฉัน กลัว สิ่ง ที่ ไม่ แน่นอน มากมาย
chan glua sing tee mai nae non maak maai
I’m afraid of so many uncertain things
ฉัน กลัว คำว่า เสียใจ เธอ รอ ฉัน ได้ ใช่ไหม
chan glua kam waa sia jai ter ror chan dai chai mai
I’m afraid of regret. You can wait for me, right?
เธอ ยัง คิดถึง ฉัน ทุกเวลา อยู่ หรือเปล่า
ter yang kit teung chan tuk way-laa yoo reu bplao
Do you still think of me all the time?
เธอ ยัง ดู รูป เรา ใบ เดิม เดิม อยู่ หรือไม่
ter yang doo roop rao bai derm derm yoo reu mai
Do you still look at our old photographs?
เธอ ยัง มี ใจ ให้ ฉัน คนเดียว ยัง รอ ฉัน แค่ คนเดียว
ter yang mee jai hai chan kon dieow yang ror chan kae kon dieow
Are you still faithful to only me? Still waiting for only me?
เธอ ยัง รัก กัน เหมือนเดิม อยู่ ใช่ไหม ช่วย บอก ให้รู้ ที
ter yang rak gan meuan derm yoo chai mai chuay bok hai roo tee
You still love me like you did before, right? Please let me know.
เธอ ยัง คิดถึง ฉัน ทุกเวลา อยู่ หรือเปล่า
ter yang kit teung chan tuk way-laa yoo reu bplao
Do you still think of me all the time?
เธอ ยัง ดู รูป เรา ใบ เดิม เดิม อยู่ หรือไม่
ter yang doo roop rao bai derm derm yoo reu mai
Do you still look at our old photographs?
เธอ ยัง มี ใจ ให้ ฉัน คนเดียว ยัง รอ ฉัน แค่ คนเดียว
ter yang mee jai hai chan kon dieow yang ror chan kae kon dieow
Are you still faithful to only me? Still waiting for only me?
เธอ ยัง รัก กัน เหมือนเดิม อยู่ ใช่ไหม ช่วย บอก ให้รู้ ที
ter yang rak gan meuan derm yoo chai mai chuay bok hai roo tee
You still love me like you did before, right? Please let me know.
About Me
- Mint + Bitter Chocolate = Heaven
- Just the blunt and honest me. Just someone who needs to air her inner most feelings and thoughts. Just a female who suffers from a crazy life journey, with lots of ups and down in her life. Just another moronic human being who wishes for peace and serenity in life one day.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
Goodbye 2012...
For those who knows me a personal level, will know that 2012 wasn't a fantastic year for me and to say it was average year would also be a bit too far-fetched. In fact, 2012 was a bad and horrid year for me: too much struggles and painful events that scarred me for life. 2012 left me battled and bruised.
Negative memories of 2012:
1) Exams
2) Assignments
3) Arguments with the man I used to love
4) The end of my 6 years marriage
5) The end of my 12 years relationship with 'him'
6) Divorce settlement
7) Juggling my personal life, studies, work and bereavement of my granny
Positive memories of 2012:
1) Managed to regain freedom and enjoyed not being tied down or having the need to answer to anyone for my actions, except towards myself
2) Learned to appreciate Moscato drinks
3) Travelled overseas to de-stress every 2-3mths once since April
4) Found someone new after 'him'
5) Given a new role at work, thus, more work-fulfillment
Goals for 2013:
1) Graduate and get my degree conferment
2) Achieve my long awaited promotion to SSN (have been delayed this year due to my poor work performance as a results of coping emotionally during my initial divorce period)
3) Get my parents' approval for my new boyfriend
4) Travel to Sydney/Perth during May and Edinburgh in winter ($$$$$$$)
Doubt I would be blogging anymore until I am back from my holiday next year. So here wishing all my blog readers a 'HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HOPE 2013 WOULD BE A BETTER YEAR FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!'
Till 2013 then, ciao!
Friday, December 21, 2012
21.12.2012: Apocalypse
Much hype about today being doomsday. But I am still alive and the world hasn't ended. In fact, my world hasn't collapse on me (yet).
Just another false alarm, yet again...
When will the actual armageddon? Can everyone stop speculating and announce the actual date and time?
But seriously, if the world is gonna end, I would like to spend my last few moments in peace and solitude, listening to music, with no one to disturb me or for me to miss. I rather meditate my last few minutes away than to spend it cherishing it with my loved ones. Sounds cruel or heartless but I guess, since the day I was born, I was destined to be the only child, only girl for my parents and I have been alone mostly to fend myself. My parents has brought me up well to be independent and self-reliant. So when the time for me to go, I rather go back to God in silence and solitude. No one to hold me back or make me reluctant to let go of worldly matters...
Now, can someone tell me the truth to when the world will end?
Just another false alarm, yet again...
When will the actual armageddon? Can everyone stop speculating and announce the actual date and time?
But seriously, if the world is gonna end, I would like to spend my last few moments in peace and solitude, listening to music, with no one to disturb me or for me to miss. I rather meditate my last few minutes away than to spend it cherishing it with my loved ones. Sounds cruel or heartless but I guess, since the day I was born, I was destined to be the only child, only girl for my parents and I have been alone mostly to fend myself. My parents has brought me up well to be independent and self-reliant. So when the time for me to go, I rather go back to God in silence and solitude. No one to hold me back or make me reluctant to let go of worldly matters...
Now, can someone tell me the truth to when the world will end?
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Life Goes On
I am well
I am happy
I am free
I am single
I am ready
I am fearless
I am me
I am Amelia
Reading through my past blog posts since the start of this blog has made me realize all the wide range of emotions I had to go through just to maintain my marriage, which had failed in the end. The frequency of events causing pain, sadness, anguish, anger, helplessness, exasperation and disappointment was more as compared to happy events.
As I read the post, it is true that being married to him was akin to being on a roller coaster ride: never knowing what to downfalls I would have to go through and moments of being on the top or even remaining on a flat surface was so minimal.
Perhaps, afterall, I was right. He may have had a 3rd party or perhaps the love just died, or maybe, it wasn't even love in the first place. For all know, this whole love thing was one-sided. The gullible me, who couldn't see it from the start. The blinded and fooled by love me, had failed to realize that this marriage was doomed from the start.
12 years wasted on him just like that! Wasted my youth on him. If was lucky, I would have married a better man by now and perhaps be a proud mother of two lovely kids by now. Too bad, I had to 'suffer' his incapabilities and his 'disability'. I was even a fool to cover up his 'inability' in bid to save his face. Yet, he can't treasure me as a wife. HIS LOST!
However, I am just glad that he maintained his gentleman-ness so far. He has stopped messaging me as promised and left me alone... I doubt he has changed his mobile phone though, perhaps he is allowing someone to use it as I still see him online on whatsapp. Whatever it is ain't my business nor concern now.
He lead his own life, I lead my own, never to cross paths again...
But because of him, I am emotionally scarred...
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
12.12.12
Nothing much happened except that:
1) I was helping a couple work out their relationship. Glad they managed to talk things out and handle the 'confrontation' maturely.
2) I had to deal with a wedding proposal, which I rejected as the 5 criteria of my ideal wedding proposal was not met.
3) Worked my ass off at work and busy with dealing with by new 'designation' as a preceptor to a year 3 student nurse.
12.12.12 = another mundane day. Nothing special for me to brag about, except that I am 19 days closer to flying overseas to celebrate my countdown to 2013.
1) I was helping a couple work out their relationship. Glad they managed to talk things out and handle the 'confrontation' maturely.
2) I had to deal with a wedding proposal, which I rejected as the 5 criteria of my ideal wedding proposal was not met.
3) Worked my ass off at work and busy with dealing with by new 'designation' as a preceptor to a year 3 student nurse.
12.12.12 = another mundane day. Nothing special for me to brag about, except that I am 19 days closer to flying overseas to celebrate my countdown to 2013.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Last Assignment For Degree Sent
As I submit my last assignment for degree tonight, I feel a sense of relief yet a sense of uncertainty that I would pass this semester smoothly. Uncertain about passing this semester not because of low self esteem but rather because I know that I have been very slip shot this semester with my school work. For the last 3 months, I have lost my 'fire' and 'ommph' to complete my studies. I totally feel so tired striving for this degree. Suddenly, this degree seems so difficult to attain that I feel like giving up, coupled with lecturers who doesn't seem to know what they are teaching makes this semester all the more difficult to study and keep up.
Anyhow, I just hope to scrap through this last semester and get my degree on hand by next year January...
Tomorrow, 10th Dec 2012, also marks the first year without my beloved granny. 1st death anniversary... One year has passed since and so much changes have happened in my life. 365 days without her physical presence but I know spiritually she has walked me through the major changes in my life for the past year. It wasn't easy coping with her death, studies and marital issues but I survived! Guess what the bible says is right: God wouldn't give me things that I wouldn't be able to handle. But I just wish He didn't think so highly of me...
Hope to get good news when I recieve my results slip next year January... God bless my results...
Anyhow, I just hope to scrap through this last semester and get my degree on hand by next year January...
Tomorrow, 10th Dec 2012, also marks the first year without my beloved granny. 1st death anniversary... One year has passed since and so much changes have happened in my life. 365 days without her physical presence but I know spiritually she has walked me through the major changes in my life for the past year. It wasn't easy coping with her death, studies and marital issues but I survived! Guess what the bible says is right: God wouldn't give me things that I wouldn't be able to handle. But I just wish He didn't think so highly of me...
Hope to get good news when I recieve my results slip next year January... God bless my results...
Monday, December 3, 2012
一个人生活
叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱你怎么会是这个结果
叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说 NO
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱你怎么会是这个结果
叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说 NO
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Finally December Comes
One more month before 2012 ends...
My avid blog followers would know that 2012 wasn't a good year for me and it was filled with more tribulations than joy.
According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end on 21/12/2012.
Actually, at this point of time, I don't really care when the apocalypse would be, as my life is as mundane as it should be and I don't fear death as much as I used to. I have done the best I could in life and lead the my life with sheer determination for success but in the end, I failed. I trusted the wrong people in life, made many wrong moves and decisions and suffered the consequences of them. I also don't mind meeting my granny who had passsed on nearly a year ago. I miss her lots.
No, I am suicidal but what I am trying to say is that I don't fear death as I did years ago. But, I am hoping death also. Let nature takes its own course. If the world was to end on 21/12/2012, I would have no regrets nor anything to feel much regretful for. Maybe, it is a pity that I would have to miss my Manado spa trip.
Anyway, I have no achievements this year. I made no progress this year. So 2012 is not a year that I wanna brag about, neither evaluate positively. All I know is that 2012 was a sux year for me. Full of problems and depressing events that almost break me into pieces. However, thanks to all my close friends and family member, especially my parents, I 'survived' and 'moved on'. I also have to thank God for making me the woman I am: a woman who has a strong and stubborn character and one who can handle multiple stressors without crumbling down into pieces, wallowing in self-pity.
I managed to take a step back from it all and evaluate my own happiness vs forcing myself to be whom I wasn't naturally, of course, I see it clearly that my own happiness was more important than being trapped and falsely decieved that I was happy or would be happy.
Hence, if the world was to really end on 21/12/2012, I would just go and be dead. No regrets. No pain. Me, Myself and My Own World!
My avid blog followers would know that 2012 wasn't a good year for me and it was filled with more tribulations than joy.
According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end on 21/12/2012.
Actually, at this point of time, I don't really care when the apocalypse would be, as my life is as mundane as it should be and I don't fear death as much as I used to. I have done the best I could in life and lead the my life with sheer determination for success but in the end, I failed. I trusted the wrong people in life, made many wrong moves and decisions and suffered the consequences of them. I also don't mind meeting my granny who had passsed on nearly a year ago. I miss her lots.
No, I am suicidal but what I am trying to say is that I don't fear death as I did years ago. But, I am hoping death also. Let nature takes its own course. If the world was to end on 21/12/2012, I would have no regrets nor anything to feel much regretful for. Maybe, it is a pity that I would have to miss my Manado spa trip.
Anyway, I have no achievements this year. I made no progress this year. So 2012 is not a year that I wanna brag about, neither evaluate positively. All I know is that 2012 was a sux year for me. Full of problems and depressing events that almost break me into pieces. However, thanks to all my close friends and family member, especially my parents, I 'survived' and 'moved on'. I also have to thank God for making me the woman I am: a woman who has a strong and stubborn character and one who can handle multiple stressors without crumbling down into pieces, wallowing in self-pity.
I managed to take a step back from it all and evaluate my own happiness vs forcing myself to be whom I wasn't naturally, of course, I see it clearly that my own happiness was more important than being trapped and falsely decieved that I was happy or would be happy.
Hence, if the world was to really end on 21/12/2012, I would just go and be dead. No regrets. No pain. Me, Myself and My Own World!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Last Meeting 2 End It All
Would be meeting him tonight instead of 3rd Dec as he states that he would like to end it all and settle everything as soon as possible. Agreed to his request.
But somehow I have a gut feeling, it wouldn't be as civil and gentleman as I had hoped for. To think that a leopard would change its spots. Stupidity on my part.
Even before the meeting tonight, he is already revealing his nasty side to me asking me to sign some 'contract' or 'receipt' as he calls it to serve as an evidence that I am in receipt of his payment for the final divorce settlement. Yet, when I challenged him to bring it to a lawyer to get it legalized he is unwilling. Whatever...
What I want is get back what is rightfully mine and walk away from this heartless beast whom I have wasted my life for the past 12years.
After tonight, once the payment is paid, u would like nothing to do with him. He has hinted to me indirectly that if I were to get critically injured, he would be the mastermind to it. Sure. He can harm me in this lifetime but if he can get away with any criminal justice, he won't escape hell. He won't be able to escape from the punishment of hell in the after-life.
What happened to karma? Really... Why does God allow such kind of person to thread the grounds of earth and allow such kind of human to exist without karma?
Haiz...
But somehow I have a gut feeling, it wouldn't be as civil and gentleman as I had hoped for. To think that a leopard would change its spots. Stupidity on my part.
Even before the meeting tonight, he is already revealing his nasty side to me asking me to sign some 'contract' or 'receipt' as he calls it to serve as an evidence that I am in receipt of his payment for the final divorce settlement. Yet, when I challenged him to bring it to a lawyer to get it legalized he is unwilling. Whatever...
What I want is get back what is rightfully mine and walk away from this heartless beast whom I have wasted my life for the past 12years.
After tonight, once the payment is paid, u would like nothing to do with him. He has hinted to me indirectly that if I were to get critically injured, he would be the mastermind to it. Sure. He can harm me in this lifetime but if he can get away with any criminal justice, he won't escape hell. He won't be able to escape from the punishment of hell in the after-life.
What happened to karma? Really... Why does God allow such kind of person to thread the grounds of earth and allow such kind of human to exist without karma?
Haiz...
爱情的最高境界是手放开
不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪留下来
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪留下来
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Piece of Heaven
Reminder to self: Life can be good sometimes...
Monday, November 19, 2012
你不知道的事
蝴蝶眨几次眼睛 才学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星 但几颗会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 还听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你
你不知道我为什麽离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨 碎了满地
在心里清晰
你不知道我为什麽狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是 你不知道的事
我飞行 但你坠落之际
Sorry, I gave up hope on you...
Sorry, I let go of what I used to treasure so dearly...
Sorry, I am not the same person you used to know...
Sorry, I made the call to not let you dictate my life & happiness...
Sorry, I am happier without you in my life...
Sorry, I am getting along well without you in my life...
Sorry, I gave someone else my heart...
Sorry, I regret my choice to carry on marrying you despite your drastic change in 2007...
Sorry, I walked out of your arms, grasp, dominance, egoistical attitude and nonsense on 13 April 2012...
Sorry, I made you see that my family/parents still loves me and accepts me after being a divorcee...
Thank you for letting me realize that I am a better person without you in my life.
Thank you for letting me realize that I can live a fuller life without you.
Thank you for letting me realize that I am a stronger person after this divorce.
Thank you for giving me back my freedom to do whatever I like, without guilt, without restrictions and without fear.
Thank you for setting me free from your cage of un-forgivenes, pettiness, lack of understanding and lack of acceptance.
I am good. I am happy. I am free. I am me.
夜空洒满了星星 但几颗会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 还听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你
你不知道我为什麽离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨 碎了满地
在心里清晰
你不知道我为什麽狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是 你不知道的事
我飞行 但你坠落之际
Sorry, I gave up hope on you...
Sorry, I let go of what I used to treasure so dearly...
Sorry, I am not the same person you used to know...
Sorry, I made the call to not let you dictate my life & happiness...
Sorry, I am happier without you in my life...
Sorry, I am getting along well without you in my life...
Sorry, I gave someone else my heart...
Sorry, I regret my choice to carry on marrying you despite your drastic change in 2007...
Sorry, I walked out of your arms, grasp, dominance, egoistical attitude and nonsense on 13 April 2012...
Sorry, I made you see that my family/parents still loves me and accepts me after being a divorcee...
Thank you for letting me realize that I am a better person without you in my life.
Thank you for letting me realize that I can live a fuller life without you.
Thank you for letting me realize that I am a stronger person after this divorce.
Thank you for giving me back my freedom to do whatever I like, without guilt, without restrictions and without fear.
Thank you for setting me free from your cage of un-forgivenes, pettiness, lack of understanding and lack of acceptance.
I am good. I am happy. I am free. I am me.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
RIP AmeJeff (10 May 2000 - 16 Nov 2012)
It has finally came to an end.
The end of amejeff era.
The end of all 12 years of love + hate.
The end of what I thought would be everlasting love.
The end of what I perceived that would succeed as long as I gave it my best.
The end of what I naively thought would have a good ending.
Goodbye to amejeff and Jeff.
Welcome back to Singlehood in the eyes of the law, Amelia.
Enjoy back this new whiff of freedom once again, something you have missed out for the past 12 years.
The end of amejeff era.
The end of all 12 years of love + hate.
The end of what I thought would be everlasting love.
The end of what I perceived that would succeed as long as I gave it my best.
The end of what I naively thought would have a good ending.
Goodbye to amejeff and Jeff.
Welcome back to Singlehood in the eyes of the law, Amelia.
Enjoy back this new whiff of freedom once again, something you have missed out for the past 12 years.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Ego + Pride = Downfall
Dear Jeff aka Ex-Baku,
I am not sure if I am right. Somehow, my sixth sense tells me that you have something to say to me since the day I was at your place (void deck) to sign off the HDB letter for our flat. However, perhaps due to pride or because another stranger was around, thus, you kept your words back.
Today, when I recieved your call to inform me that our divorce has been finalized. Your tone of voice seems pissed or annoyed. I am not sure why, but you just hung up the call quite abruptly. Then, later in the evening, when I was messaging you with regards to meeting up in December to settle the payment you 'owe' me, you were lingering online for a while before deciding to go offline.
It seems to be that you want to say or tell me something but it just can't come out from you. Pride? Ego? Perhaps, as usual, your downfall. Anyway, if you would like to say or tell me anything, your last date is 3 Dec 2012. After that date, I won't be expecting to hear from you again, 'cause I will always remember your request to cut off all ties totally from you, to the extend that even if I do meet you or your parents on the streets, to ignore you all and pretend that we are strangers.
Anyway, I am still the same Amelia. Maybe not exactly the same Amelia you once know, but more or less the same in certain ways. And if you want to tell me something on the 3rd Dec, I would be willing to hear you out, as long as it is rational and honest words coming from you. Plus, as long as you don't go shouting at me or hurling vulgarities at me, I would be more willing to hear what you have to say.
By the way, I have done my own reflection and have concluded, when a marriage fails, it is not one party's fault but the fault of both husband and wife. My fault would be:
- Knowing you at such a young age (17yrs old)
- Deciding to commit you when I am still quite immature (23yrs old)
- Not knowing what I wanted in a husband
- Not being able grow up mentally and emotionally as your wife due to the 'habit' of being childish around you.
- Naively thinking that you have forgiven me for my immature behaviours and thinking over the past 12 years.
- Kidding myself that one day you will come to understand my mistake of almost choosing another guy over you.
- Having too much confidence in you that one day you will change back to the loving and sweet man that I had chose to marry 6yrs back.
- Allowing myself to tolerate your 'incapabilities' when I knew or should I say, when I should have suspected something else was wrong rather just your physical 'incapabilities' to fulfill your duties as a husband.
Anyway, all has ended now, just the way you have asked for and wanted. Now that I have spoken all I should have told you over the phone, face to face or via message through my this blog post, I have nothing else heart-felt to say to you. Somehow, I guess you still follow my blog and may continue to do so until one day you have decided to give up totally on me.
Hope on 3rd Dec, if need be, you will be able to put aside your pride and ego to confess whatever you need or want to say to me. I doubt I would be bringing anyone along with me, 'cause I think you may want to have some private talk to me or whatever. Hopefully, my sixth sense isn't wrong and end up being the laughing stock as I have always been in your eyes. Anyway, it doesn't hurt to be mocked by you one last time. I also wouldn't be surprised that you would still continue the same aloofness to maintain your pride, 'face' and ego...
PS: If you want to ask me to forgive you, I have already done so when I signed the papers for divorce at Jayne's office. If you want to ask me to move on without you in my life, I have also done so maturely. As long as you are happier, I have already granted all that you request from me by leaving you and signing on the divorce papers. All I ask for is peaceful parting on 3rd Dec, ideally with a mutual handshake to end it all.
I am not sure if I am right. Somehow, my sixth sense tells me that you have something to say to me since the day I was at your place (void deck) to sign off the HDB letter for our flat. However, perhaps due to pride or because another stranger was around, thus, you kept your words back.
Today, when I recieved your call to inform me that our divorce has been finalized. Your tone of voice seems pissed or annoyed. I am not sure why, but you just hung up the call quite abruptly. Then, later in the evening, when I was messaging you with regards to meeting up in December to settle the payment you 'owe' me, you were lingering online for a while before deciding to go offline.
It seems to be that you want to say or tell me something but it just can't come out from you. Pride? Ego? Perhaps, as usual, your downfall. Anyway, if you would like to say or tell me anything, your last date is 3 Dec 2012. After that date, I won't be expecting to hear from you again, 'cause I will always remember your request to cut off all ties totally from you, to the extend that even if I do meet you or your parents on the streets, to ignore you all and pretend that we are strangers.
Anyway, I am still the same Amelia. Maybe not exactly the same Amelia you once know, but more or less the same in certain ways. And if you want to tell me something on the 3rd Dec, I would be willing to hear you out, as long as it is rational and honest words coming from you. Plus, as long as you don't go shouting at me or hurling vulgarities at me, I would be more willing to hear what you have to say.
By the way, I have done my own reflection and have concluded, when a marriage fails, it is not one party's fault but the fault of both husband and wife. My fault would be:
- Knowing you at such a young age (17yrs old)
- Deciding to commit you when I am still quite immature (23yrs old)
- Not knowing what I wanted in a husband
- Not being able grow up mentally and emotionally as your wife due to the 'habit' of being childish around you.
- Naively thinking that you have forgiven me for my immature behaviours and thinking over the past 12 years.
- Kidding myself that one day you will come to understand my mistake of almost choosing another guy over you.
- Having too much confidence in you that one day you will change back to the loving and sweet man that I had chose to marry 6yrs back.
- Allowing myself to tolerate your 'incapabilities' when I knew or should I say, when I should have suspected something else was wrong rather just your physical 'incapabilities' to fulfill your duties as a husband.
Anyway, all has ended now, just the way you have asked for and wanted. Now that I have spoken all I should have told you over the phone, face to face or via message through my this blog post, I have nothing else heart-felt to say to you. Somehow, I guess you still follow my blog and may continue to do so until one day you have decided to give up totally on me.
Hope on 3rd Dec, if need be, you will be able to put aside your pride and ego to confess whatever you need or want to say to me. I doubt I would be bringing anyone along with me, 'cause I think you may want to have some private talk to me or whatever. Hopefully, my sixth sense isn't wrong and end up being the laughing stock as I have always been in your eyes. Anyway, it doesn't hurt to be mocked by you one last time. I also wouldn't be surprised that you would still continue the same aloofness to maintain your pride, 'face' and ego...
PS: If you want to ask me to forgive you, I have already done so when I signed the papers for divorce at Jayne's office. If you want to ask me to move on without you in my life, I have also done so maturely. As long as you are happier, I have already granted all that you request from me by leaving you and signing on the divorce papers. All I ask for is peaceful parting on 3rd Dec, ideally with a mutual handshake to end it all.
Another 15 Days Wait
Received news from my ex-husband (to be) that the finalizing of divorce would be delayed for another 7-10 working days. Not sure why...
Haiz, and I thought I could pop my champagne on the 15 Nov @ 6pm.
So yes, I am still bound legally to him for until end of Novemeber. Hopefully, by 1st Dec 2012, I would be officially single again... Starting to regret 10 May 2006. If I had knew that I would have to go through so much shit as his wife and yet so difficult to leave him thereafter, I would have not agreed to ROM with him and would have just backed-out of this whole thing.
' To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richness or poor, to be faithful, honor and respect one each other for so long as we shall live'... Yeah, right. Crap! Wedding vows said and broken by him, yet, I am the one, whose suffering is prolonged another 15 days.
1st Dec is now the new date I look forward to...
Haiz, and I thought I could pop my champagne on the 15 Nov @ 6pm.
So yes, I am still bound legally to him for until end of Novemeber. Hopefully, by 1st Dec 2012, I would be officially single again... Starting to regret 10 May 2006. If I had knew that I would have to go through so much shit as his wife and yet so difficult to leave him thereafter, I would have not agreed to ROM with him and would have just backed-out of this whole thing.
' To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richness or poor, to be faithful, honor and respect one each other for so long as we shall live'... Yeah, right. Crap! Wedding vows said and broken by him, yet, I am the one, whose suffering is prolonged another 15 days.
1st Dec is now the new date I look forward to...
Monday, November 12, 2012
7 Months Without You
You know, I always remember your constant taunting that I would not live without you and that I would be miserable without you. Well, guess what? 7 months have passed since I left your side or should I say (like my dad calls it) since you chased me out of your life due to your own immaturity to handle situations, but I am still alive. In fact, my life has been good. I am traveling around, exploring new places both in Singapore and overseas.
Oh, I almost forgot also how you would add salt to my wound telling me that I wouldn't find someone like you.
Indeed, I couldn't find someone like you, 'cause I have learnt to detect such disaster like you. I wouldn't allow myself to commit the same error as I did with you. I have learnt to judge a guy by his actions rather than his words. I have learnt to judge that inner character and personality is much more important than outer looks.
The guy you met that night was mocking you after we left your house void deck. I must thank you for using your own ways to verify all the truth in my description of you to him before the fateful meeting. Even though the meeting was a short 5-10mins but it was sufficient for him to see what a crappy behavior and attitude I had to endure from you throughout the past 6 years. Perhaps it is karma, I had good 6 years as your girlfriend and repaid you 6 years of psychological abuse as your wife thereafter.
Anyway, with all said and done. In 3 days (I hope), all ties with you would be legally severed and I would be officially able to regain my single status again. Of cause, it also applies to you. Congrats to the both of us! *Clink champagne glasses* The divorce was what you have always wanted and so you get your wish. Worth a celebration, yeah?
Hmm, I now wonder how many more months or years or decades would I be able to live without you...
PS: My sincere apologies if this post has badly damaged your bruised ego. But this is my blog and I am free to type or write anything I like as long as it isn't some racist or defamatory post stating your name and NRIC number.
Oh, I almost forgot also how you would add salt to my wound telling me that I wouldn't find someone like you.
Indeed, I couldn't find someone like you, 'cause I have learnt to detect such disaster like you. I wouldn't allow myself to commit the same error as I did with you. I have learnt to judge a guy by his actions rather than his words. I have learnt to judge that inner character and personality is much more important than outer looks.
The guy you met that night was mocking you after we left your house void deck. I must thank you for using your own ways to verify all the truth in my description of you to him before the fateful meeting. Even though the meeting was a short 5-10mins but it was sufficient for him to see what a crappy behavior and attitude I had to endure from you throughout the past 6 years. Perhaps it is karma, I had good 6 years as your girlfriend and repaid you 6 years of psychological abuse as your wife thereafter.
Anyway, with all said and done. In 3 days (I hope), all ties with you would be legally severed and I would be officially able to regain my single status again. Of cause, it also applies to you. Congrats to the both of us! *Clink champagne glasses* The divorce was what you have always wanted and so you get your wish. Worth a celebration, yeah?
Hmm, I now wonder how many more months or years or decades would I be able to live without you...
PS: My sincere apologies if this post has badly damaged your bruised ego. But this is my blog and I am free to type or write anything I like as long as it isn't some racist or defamatory post stating your name and NRIC number.
Friday, November 9, 2012
New Toy For Myself
A great gift idea for family and friends! This sleek purple pearl ballpoint pen adds a colorful, stylish note to your desktop. The body is filled with 160 sparkling crystals, creating magnificent light reflections with every stroke. It is delivered in a stylish velvet pouch and the high quality refill can be replaced quickly and easily.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Random Rant of Bitterness
When you almost have up on Nursing, I cheered you and motivated you.
Without me, you won't have your diploma.
I did your homework for geography, literature, freshman composition and human sexuality.
Without me, you won't even achieve your degree!
When you were a nobody and the whole world despising you, I stood by you.
Without me, you wouldn't be a wrecked mess.
Now that you have made it through and 'someone' in life, you betrayed me.
Some man you are! I do hope karma would catch up on you one day and may she be more ruthless than you were with me. Perhaps when that day happens, you will finally understand the pain you brought upon me. Perhaps when that day comes, I won't be around anymore for you to offer your apology. Perhaps when that day comes, I won't even know you.
I really hope to forget you and erase you out of my memories. I wish you didn't even exist in the first place. I wish that I didn't even know you or loved u so much in the beginning.
Without me, you won't have your diploma.
I did your homework for geography, literature, freshman composition and human sexuality.
Without me, you won't even achieve your degree!
When you were a nobody and the whole world despising you, I stood by you.
Without me, you wouldn't be a wrecked mess.
Now that you have made it through and 'someone' in life, you betrayed me.
Some man you are! I do hope karma would catch up on you one day and may she be more ruthless than you were with me. Perhaps when that day happens, you will finally understand the pain you brought upon me. Perhaps when that day comes, I won't be around anymore for you to offer your apology. Perhaps when that day comes, I won't even know you.
I really hope to forget you and erase you out of my memories. I wish you didn't even exist in the first place. I wish that I didn't even know you or loved u so much in the beginning.
Studying Life Sucks
Dear God,
I am getting pretty much sick and tired my study-life. I am losing interest in my studies. I am less motivated to complete my last semester of studies. I am more compelled to stop studying and give up, but people around me are cheering me that its my last semester and only 2 more months to finally be able to graduate (that's if I pass). The truth is that I am so tired of studying and mugging for all those assignments, especially when the topic is so boring: research and theories of nursing. I totally hate research for one and I dislike history that explains my dislike for theories nursing. What Nightingale's theory or Orem's theory or Watson's theory or Maslow's theory? Haiz, I know it relates to modern day nursing but I really don't wish to study about them anymore.
I am just going to do my assignments haphazardly, God, just like me pass this last 2 modules. I don't aim for any merits or distinction. Just a pass and I am contented. Amen.
PS: I promised never to study ever again. Maybe take up courses but no concentrate studies which require exams or assignments. I want to lead my life like the cat in my attached pix!
I am getting pretty much sick and tired my study-life. I am losing interest in my studies. I am less motivated to complete my last semester of studies. I am more compelled to stop studying and give up, but people around me are cheering me that its my last semester and only 2 more months to finally be able to graduate (that's if I pass). The truth is that I am so tired of studying and mugging for all those assignments, especially when the topic is so boring: research and theories of nursing. I totally hate research for one and I dislike history that explains my dislike for theories nursing. What Nightingale's theory or Orem's theory or Watson's theory or Maslow's theory? Haiz, I know it relates to modern day nursing but I really don't wish to study about them anymore.
I am just going to do my assignments haphazardly, God, just like me pass this last 2 modules. I don't aim for any merits or distinction. Just a pass and I am contented. Amen.
PS: I promised never to study ever again. Maybe take up courses but no concentrate studies which require exams or assignments. I want to lead my life like the cat in my attached pix!
Friday, November 2, 2012
What Was Never Meant To Be Mine
Blogging this post while sitting in front of what was supposed to be my love-nest, however, it doesn't belong to me anymore. I have signed it back to HDB.
Something that I had looked forward to for the past 2-3years is finally done and built, but it isn't mine anymore. Something that I had been planning for the past 2-3years is finally ready, but yet, I am not owing it anymore. How disappointing is that?!
Today, I will walk in here for the first time and the last time. I want to know what I had to let go for my future happiness. I want to know what that guy has caused me to lose. Emotionally tormenting but yet reality.
Good-bye, Punggol Residence, Blk 271D, #08-549...
Something that I had looked forward to for the past 2-3years is finally done and built, but it isn't mine anymore. Something that I had been planning for the past 2-3years is finally ready, but yet, I am not owing it anymore. How disappointing is that?!
Today, I will walk in here for the first time and the last time. I want to know what I had to let go for my future happiness. I want to know what that guy has caused me to lose. Emotionally tormenting but yet reality.
Good-bye, Punggol Residence, Blk 271D, #08-549...
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Amelia, Something Was Wrong With You
Amelia, something was seriously wrong with your brain and character. Seriously flawed and too compromising. I really wonder how you could tolerate such crappy behavior from him and stand his nonsensical, egoistical attitude towards you for the 6 years as his wife... How could you serve him like a lord and still allow him to treat you the way he did for the past 6 years? I really am amazed at your tolerance level to put up with his f-ing mannerism through these 6 years.
But I am glad for you that you have finally decided to walk away and move on with your own life, a more confident and stronger woman than I have expected you to be. I am proud of your ways now, you are much more worthy now than you were as his wife. I could see that you are happier now, much more blissful than you were married to him as well as better off without him.
Amelia, oh Amelia, thank your lucky stars and guardian angel for the 'wake up' call.
May you faster settle your divorce and be officially single again. I wish you all the best in your new life come 15th Nov 2012.
But I am glad for you that you have finally decided to walk away and move on with your own life, a more confident and stronger woman than I have expected you to be. I am proud of your ways now, you are much more worthy now than you were as his wife. I could see that you are happier now, much more blissful than you were married to him as well as better off without him.
Amelia, oh Amelia, thank your lucky stars and guardian angel for the 'wake up' call.
May you faster settle your divorce and be officially single again. I wish you all the best in your new life come 15th Nov 2012.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Lego Land
Needed a breather from all the stress of assignments and exams...
Needed a pre-holiday mood to prepare myself for December trip to Manado...
Monday, October 22, 2012
Given Up
http://youtu.be/OMi6hyqgpbg
sinking into this depressive mood.
lost my drive to continue studying.
mentally stressed with multiple issues.
reviewing my life this year: sux.
sinking into this depressive mood.
lost my drive to continue studying.
mentally stressed with multiple issues.
reviewing my life this year: sux.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
BROKEN.
It seems like you're wired, to stay here held in time,
'Cause nothing seems to change.
No nothing's gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.
If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
'Cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Out of Town For 2012 Countdown
As planned... I am leaving town to celebrate new year 2013. Don't wish to be in Singapore to welcome 2013, too much painful memories to be celebrating countdown differently this year after celebrating countdowns with him for the past 12 years.
Not sure who is coming along with me. May end up going alone as initially planned. If I am lucky, my future boyfriend, would be with me and celebrating the countdown with me...
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Half A Year On...
6 months since I have stepped out his house.
6 months since I have made the final choice to leave this marriage behind.
6 months since I have agreed to his decision for divorce.
6 months of singlehood, freedom, enjoyment and self-centredness
SO...
WHOEVER SAID I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU?
WHOEVER SAID I WOULD DIE WITHOUT YOU?
WHOEVER SAID I COULD NEVER FIND SOMEONE ELSE WORTHY OF ME?
WHOEVER SAID I COULD NEVER FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO WOULD LOVE ME FOR ME, LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM NATURALLY?
Next month would be the finalising of the divorce papers and I am so looking forward to receiving those papers of ultimate freedom, whereby, I would really have no so-whatever connection with you anymore. Officially next month, I would be able to enjoy the whole dating process without guilt or fear of being labelled as committing adultery, then, I can officially confirm my relationship with my new guy.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Crazy Idea Again
7 years ago, I did an ear cartilage piercing which ended up with an infection and the ear piercing hole has (duh?) closed up. Now, 7 years later, I crave the same type of piercing, but I forgot which ear I had it pierced before...
No one to stop me now. No one to consider on whether he would approve or not. No need to seek any more permission to pierce my ear. Freedom of singlehood.
Now, I have to consider which side to re-pierce again... Any suggestions?
No one to stop me now. No one to consider on whether he would approve or not. No need to seek any more permission to pierce my ear. Freedom of singlehood.
Now, I have to consider which side to re-pierce again... Any suggestions?
Monday, October 8, 2012
Collection of Keys
Today, should be the day, we collect the keys to our home.
Today should be the day, I would have my own house, under my own name.
Today should be the day, we walk into our own love-nest.
Today should be the day, our long awaited dreams and plans come true.
Today should be the day, our CPF would be wiped dry to pay for the house.
Too bad, all the above mentioned didn't happen, 'cause you choose to break the convenant of a marriage.
Today should be the day, I would have my own house, under my own name.
Today should be the day, we walk into our own love-nest.
Today should be the day, our long awaited dreams and plans come true.
Today should be the day, our CPF would be wiped dry to pay for the house.
Too bad, all the above mentioned didn't happen, 'cause you choose to break the convenant of a marriage.
6 Stages of A Failing Relationship
SOUNDS AWFULLY FAMILIAR:
The Beginning: This is always fun. You meet the person for the first time and start spending time together. You get butterflies in your stomach when they are around.
The Bonding: Commitment often begins here. You decide to stay with this person and see where things lead. Love may be present.
The Comfort: The fire has left and has been replaced with a warm comfort for one another. Routines are usually established at this stage.
The Boredom: The relationship becomes boring and you might be bored of each other. You may begin fighting about things that you do not really care about.
The Avoiding: Avoiding each other completely has become normal in your relationship. The only reason you stay together is because of convenience.
The End: The last of all the relationship stages. You may have tried several things to save the relationship but it was too late. You split up.
BEEN THERE DONE THAT!
GUESS I WILL NEVER COMMIT MYSELF FULLY INTO A RELATIONSHIP EVER AGAIN... PERHAPS FALLING IN LOVE IS JUST FUN AND GAME IN THIS MODERN ERA.
The Beginning: This is always fun. You meet the person for the first time and start spending time together. You get butterflies in your stomach when they are around.
The Bonding: Commitment often begins here. You decide to stay with this person and see where things lead. Love may be present.
The Comfort: The fire has left and has been replaced with a warm comfort for one another. Routines are usually established at this stage.
The Boredom: The relationship becomes boring and you might be bored of each other. You may begin fighting about things that you do not really care about.
The Avoiding: Avoiding each other completely has become normal in your relationship. The only reason you stay together is because of convenience.
The End: The last of all the relationship stages. You may have tried several things to save the relationship but it was too late. You split up.
BEEN THERE DONE THAT!
GUESS I WILL NEVER COMMIT MYSELF FULLY INTO A RELATIONSHIP EVER AGAIN... PERHAPS FALLING IN LOVE IS JUST FUN AND GAME IN THIS MODERN ERA.
Friday, October 5, 2012
=)
I remember when we broke up, the first time
Saying this is it, I've had enough, 'cause like
We haven't seen each other in a month
When you, said you, needed space, what?
Then you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you
Oooh we called it off again last night
But Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
Like ever...
I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I'm right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind, with some indie record
That's much cooler than mine
Oooh you called me up again tonight
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
I used to think, that we, were forever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you
And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know like
We are never getting back together, like ever
No!
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
We, oooh, oooh, not back together, we
Oh, getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
PS: I have learnt from my mistakes of saying break up and divorce in spur of anger. So my current boyfriend also knows that I won't tolerate such crap ever again. Lesson learnt!
Saying this is it, I've had enough, 'cause like
We haven't seen each other in a month
When you, said you, needed space, what?
Then you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you
Oooh we called it off again last night
But Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
Like ever...
I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I'm right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind, with some indie record
That's much cooler than mine
Oooh you called me up again tonight
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
I used to think, that we, were forever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you
And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know like
We are never getting back together, like ever
No!
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
We, oooh, oooh, not back together, we
Oh, getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
PS: I have learnt from my mistakes of saying break up and divorce in spur of anger. So my current boyfriend also knows that I won't tolerate such crap ever again. Lesson learnt!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Self Explanatory Post
He may not be as well-educated as you.
He may not be earning the same salary range as you.
He may not be have the same family background as you.
But he has a better heart, character, loves me more and treats me better than you.
Period.
Friday, September 28, 2012
There's A Fine Line
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
There's a fine, fine line between love and hate.
Goodbye and I don't hate you...
Actually I thank you for letting me find someone who deserves me more than you do and my freedom to like someone again.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Something That Really Shoots Straight Into My Thoughts
Maybe, I don't exactly need the excuse or reasons anymore, 'cause I walked away a better and more natural person. I won't dare say I am a happier person without you, but at least I am happy where I am and less fearful with my behaviour/actions done or words spoken out of my mouth. I am less conscious about my non-verbal cues and don't need to thread on thin ice with my every move.
Oh, I just remember another benefit of finally plucking up my courage to leave you. That is, that I need not feel any more guilt towards you for almost choosing Andy over you. I had automatically redeemed myself from your torturous unforgiving attitude and constant pettiness to keep this grudge until today. At least now, I can life my head up high again and take this Andy's incident as a lesson well-learned.
However, I wish you could be more 'man' enough to explain your actions to me face to face, rather than dismissing our past marriage with just a 'I don't love you anymore' or 'I don't think I can tolerate and live you any longer' excuse. But, I know for you to one day be able to tell me the truth on why you gave up our 12 years of relationship would be an absolute bonus... Some sort of a miracle if it ever does happen.
As usual, I wish you well and also happiness with your current life without me.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
New Life Ahead
Dear Mr J,
glad that you have gone back to your passion. It was great to know that you didn't exactly lose your job, rather you quitted something that you won't interested in and have finally, found back your passion in social sector. It was also a pleasure knowing that I had over-estimated your nobility, thinking that you had deserted me due to a potential sickness and didn't want to drag me into any form of commitment that may affect my future.
I wish you all the best as usual. I wish you success in your new career. I wish you happiness in your future endeavor.
I am off to my own new life more comfortably and knowing that I had nothing else to worry about with regards to you and your health.
glad that you have gone back to your passion. It was great to know that you didn't exactly lose your job, rather you quitted something that you won't interested in and have finally, found back your passion in social sector. It was also a pleasure knowing that I had over-estimated your nobility, thinking that you had deserted me due to a potential sickness and didn't want to drag me into any form of commitment that may affect my future.
I wish you all the best as usual. I wish you success in your new career. I wish you happiness in your future endeavor.
I am off to my own new life more comfortably and knowing that I had nothing else to worry about with regards to you and your health.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Entangled Again
Entangled up in the webs.
In a mess.
Doubtful of the decision made.
Blinded by feelings again.
Overwhelmed with emotions.
In love.
Hope not with the wrong guy again.
In a mess.
Doubtful of the decision made.
Blinded by feelings again.
Overwhelmed with emotions.
In love.
Hope not with the wrong guy again.
Monday, September 17, 2012
New Beginning? Maybe... Perhaps...
Found someone who treats me well...
Yet, I can't put 100% into it.
Found someone better than Jeff in character and culture...
Yet, I can't believe him fully.
Found someone who treats me like a princess...
Yet, it took me nearly a month to commit myself as his girlfriend.
Put him on 6 months probation to assess his eligibility to my confirmed boyfriend.
I had returned Jeff's book few days ago, so now I owe him nothing. I am ready to move on to a new relationship, perhaps, to someone better and someone who may treasure me more than Jeff.
God bless me and my new journey...
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Bless My Broken Road
"My road has been broken with my bridges burned." This is how I have been feeling since the day I left him. Yes, although I have started a brand new life without him, I still do reminisce the good old times we once shared and I do ask myself why things has ended up in such a sad way. The only reason I can conclude is that this marriage had failed 'cause he lack to understand the meaning of forgiveness, acceptance and tolerance. Perhaps, due to the fact I am his first girlfriend, thus he doesn't know the true meaning of loving someone and accepting someone. He has yet to learn the true essence of love.
Although he has hurt me deeply and wasted my 12 years, I learnt that he isn't worth me nor my tears anymore. He has moved on well without me because what he needed wasn't a wife, he needed someone to take over his mum's position, he needed a maid. He craved the freedom of a single and refused to acknowledge the works of a doting wife. He has lost a good wife. I am not perfect but at least I know I had tried my best to love him and cared for him just like a wife should. It's a pity that he just didn't feel it and couldn't appreciate it, much less reciprocate it. After taking a step back, I evaluated that he is definitely not suited to be my husband. He isn't my ideal husband material. He was boyfriend material but not made to be a husband. I was also perhaps not his ideal wife material.
Like I always said, I still Thank God that so far this divorce proceedings has been smooth and civil. No calling names to each other's face. Just slowly drifting apart and stop contacting.
Thankfully for that. By mid-Nov, I should be free from this bondage of being married to him. By mid-Nov, I should be finishing my last semester of my degree course. Guess a new phrase of life will happen after November then. Hopefully a better life than now. Hopefully a more peaceful life than now. Hopefully a new beginning of new hope... Amen.
Although he has hurt me deeply and wasted my 12 years, I learnt that he isn't worth me nor my tears anymore. He has moved on well without me because what he needed wasn't a wife, he needed someone to take over his mum's position, he needed a maid. He craved the freedom of a single and refused to acknowledge the works of a doting wife. He has lost a good wife. I am not perfect but at least I know I had tried my best to love him and cared for him just like a wife should. It's a pity that he just didn't feel it and couldn't appreciate it, much less reciprocate it. After taking a step back, I evaluated that he is definitely not suited to be my husband. He isn't my ideal husband material. He was boyfriend material but not made to be a husband. I was also perhaps not his ideal wife material.
Like I always said, I still Thank God that so far this divorce proceedings has been smooth and civil. No calling names to each other's face. Just slowly drifting apart and stop contacting.
Thankfully for that. By mid-Nov, I should be free from this bondage of being married to him. By mid-Nov, I should be finishing my last semester of my degree course. Guess a new phrase of life will happen after November then. Hopefully a better life than now. Hopefully a more peaceful life than now. Hopefully a new beginning of new hope... Amen.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
2012: Not a Kind Year So Far
Was having a chat with a friend and reflected back on how this year has treated me so far... Yes, as I reflect on how the 9 months has just flown by, I am also reminded of my more downs than ups of 2012.
First, I started in January my degree course barely healing from the bereavement of losing my beloved granny in Dec 2011.
Followed by my huge argument with my ex-husband leading to the divorce in April and it was my exam period. Thankfully, I scraped through my exams without letting it affect my studies much.
Went to Melbourne in May to heal myself and my raw emotions of the divorce.
From May until now, I am still bearing the pains of the divorce as it has not been finalised and won't be until mid Nov. Moreover, from May until now,
I am although enjoying my single-hood, I still can't comprehend or even begin to understand how someone can be so heartless to just let go of a 12years relationship without a hint of sadness or feeling. I am also unable to trust myself to anyone although I long to find that special guy again and restart my love life. However, I am held back by the fact that if a guy whom I trusted and love so much of 12 years can do just throw in the towel to end everything, how can ever trust the next guy won't do the same? I wouldn't want to go through the same crap all over again...
12 years of everything now back to being total strangers. But thank God that it has been civil so far (I use the word 'so far', as the divorce is not fully over yet and he can still do anything to irritate , hurt or anger me further).
Now it is September, another 3 months more to end of 2012 and I just pray that God would have mercy at me and don't throw me anymore hurts or obstacles. I already have my hands full with mixed emotions, dilemmas and unanswered question marks in my own head...
First, I started in January my degree course barely healing from the bereavement of losing my beloved granny in Dec 2011.
Followed by my huge argument with my ex-husband leading to the divorce in April and it was my exam period. Thankfully, I scraped through my exams without letting it affect my studies much.
Went to Melbourne in May to heal myself and my raw emotions of the divorce.
From May until now, I am still bearing the pains of the divorce as it has not been finalised and won't be until mid Nov. Moreover, from May until now,
I am although enjoying my single-hood, I still can't comprehend or even begin to understand how someone can be so heartless to just let go of a 12years relationship without a hint of sadness or feeling. I am also unable to trust myself to anyone although I long to find that special guy again and restart my love life. However, I am held back by the fact that if a guy whom I trusted and love so much of 12 years can do just throw in the towel to end everything, how can ever trust the next guy won't do the same? I wouldn't want to go through the same crap all over again...
12 years of everything now back to being total strangers. But thank God that it has been civil so far (I use the word 'so far', as the divorce is not fully over yet and he can still do anything to irritate , hurt or anger me further).
Now it is September, another 3 months more to end of 2012 and I just pray that God would have mercy at me and don't throw me anymore hurts or obstacles. I already have my hands full with mixed emotions, dilemmas and unanswered question marks in my own head...
Sunday, September 2, 2012
After Months of Emo-ness
Had been having bouts of depression for the past few days. Some stuff had happened and impacted my life furthur. Took the whole saturday for some 'me-time', switched off my mobile phone and went out on some self-indulgences, ended up randomly attending a blood donation drive and cut off my long hair.
Felt better after the hair cut and long bus ride from one end of Singapore back home. Sat in the bus, plugged in my ear phones and listened to some Kevin Kern, Josh Groban and Yiruma, that tamed my raw emotions.
So far the feedback I had of my new haircut is that makes me look younger and more refreshed. Hopefully, my mood has been as 'refreshed' as my new image. Found out that I lost weight since April. Good and not as good in certain sense...
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Wide Awake
I think I could get used to being single.
I think I could pretend I never fell in love before.
Let my tears warm up myself through the cold nights.
I think I could get used to being single.
Pretending the vows you once made never existed.
This is the end result of me loving you. I think I could get used to being single.
I think I could pretend I never loved you.
Who could stop me if I ever wanted to leave you first.
I think I could get used to being single.
I could pretend all those sweet words were never said to me before.
I'll take it as this love was a dream that I could never wake up from.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Trust Myself???
Monday, August 27, 2012
1st Step Out Of The Dark
Attended my first family function after so long ever since the split. I was kind of afraid facing relatives about my new status as being a divorcee, was fearful that they would start poking their noses in my affairs or randomly blurt out some sensitive comments which may hurt me. Instead, none of the above happened, everyone left me alone to chat with my closest cousin and no one dared to ask me anything about the failed marriage. I am blessed. From what my cousin told me, everyone was more or less been forewarned by my dad, before the dinner, to shut their gaps and refrained from asking me about Jeff. Actually, everyone could tell I was unhappy in the marriage and was only trying my best to maintain it. Now that I am divorced from him, they could tell that I am happier and more confident without him. I guess certain things does show, eh? Despite my efforts to hide my pain and try hard to conceal the cracks in the marriage, the fault lines must be so big that others can actually spot it.
Frankly, there are days whereby I am happy to be single and enjoying my single-hood status but there are still some days, where I still think about him and wonder what actually happened to make him snap so badly. Maybe he is just being petty and unforgiving for my past. Perhaps, he has found someone else. Or just maybe, he really is that unable to forget the fact that almost chose another guy to him. Whatever the reason is, everything is over... No use to even try to salvage it. Doubt I would like to go back those days of worrying about his sensitive temper as well as trying hard not to step on his land mines.
Through this marriage, I have learnt that actually I can be and am a good wife by nature, but sadly, to the wrong guy, who doesn't know how to treasure me and cherish me...
Currently, I declare that I am still single and open to any male competition but just that in order to win me over, the poor guy has to work extra hard to win my trust and heart.
To Jeff: I have had feedback that you are also doing pretty well without me and I am glad that you are doing good. Keep it up and may you find your aims in life. Good luck in your future endeavors. I will return your books as promised once my results for this semester is out. Don't worry, I would put it in your letter box as I respect your wishes to never wanting to see me again.
Frankly, there are days whereby I am happy to be single and enjoying my single-hood status but there are still some days, where I still think about him and wonder what actually happened to make him snap so badly. Maybe he is just being petty and unforgiving for my past. Perhaps, he has found someone else. Or just maybe, he really is that unable to forget the fact that almost chose another guy to him. Whatever the reason is, everything is over... No use to even try to salvage it. Doubt I would like to go back those days of worrying about his sensitive temper as well as trying hard not to step on his land mines.
Through this marriage, I have learnt that actually I can be and am a good wife by nature, but sadly, to the wrong guy, who doesn't know how to treasure me and cherish me...
Currently, I declare that I am still single and open to any male competition but just that in order to win me over, the poor guy has to work extra hard to win my trust and heart.
To Jeff: I have had feedback that you are also doing pretty well without me and I am glad that you are doing good. Keep it up and may you find your aims in life. Good luck in your future endeavors. I will return your books as promised once my results for this semester is out. Don't worry, I would put it in your letter box as I respect your wishes to never wanting to see me again.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
心声
答應自己沒有你也要努力過下去
但我從沒刻意對你的消息回避
我之後的愛情。。。
我之後的你在她的愛裡
真的確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
也決心一個人練習不那麽想你
我之後的你在她的愛裡
終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
偶爾想你也未必是不可理喻
有些困難的事情，等時間處理
我漸漸聽見了心裡的聲音，原來真正的幸福那麽容易
懂得了祝福只要你愛得再也不猶豫
我之後的你在她的愛裡
終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
陪回憶寫完了日記
告訴自己停止再想你
我之後的你終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我懂得愛自己
讓回憶不留痕跡
我會自己停止再想你
但我從沒刻意對你的消息回避
我之後的愛情。。。
我之後的你在她的愛裡
真的確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
也決心一個人練習不那麽想你
我之後的你在她的愛裡
終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
偶爾想你也未必是不可理喻
有些困難的事情，等時間處理
我漸漸聽見了心裡的聲音，原來真正的幸福那麽容易
懂得了祝福只要你愛得再也不猶豫
我之後的你在她的愛裡
終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
陪回憶寫完了日記
告訴自己停止再想你
我之後的你終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我懂得愛自己
讓回憶不留痕跡
我會自己停止再想你
Rewind back to 26 April 2000
还记得吗 窗外那被月光染亮的海洋
你还记得吗 是爱让彼此把夜点亮
为何后来我们 用沉默替代依赖
曾经朗朗星空 渐渐阴霾
心碎离开 转身回到最初荒凉里等待
为了寂寞 是否找个人填心中空白
我们变成了世上 最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀
只怪我们爱得那么汹涌 爱得那么深
于是梦醒了 搁浅了 沉默了挥手了 却回不了神
如果当初在交会时能忍住了 激动的灵魂
也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里 沉沦
我们变成了世上最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀
你还记得吗 是爱让彼此把夜点亮
为何后来我们 用沉默替代依赖
曾经朗朗星空 渐渐阴霾
心碎离开 转身回到最初荒凉里等待
为了寂寞 是否找个人填心中空白
我们变成了世上 最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀
只怪我们爱得那么汹涌 爱得那么深
于是梦醒了 搁浅了 沉默了挥手了 却回不了神
如果当初在交会时能忍住了 激动的灵魂
也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里 沉沦
我们变成了世上最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀
Monday, August 20, 2012
Fly Away
<---Manado
<---Cebu
Ever since I left Jeff in April, a part of me kind of died. The part where Amelia needs to stay put in Singapore for more than half a year has died. I feel that I have this craving to fly away and explore new places alone. Face the world alone, without anyone knowing my history and asking me if I am coping ok or if I am happier now being single with the freedom to do anything I want. I am just sick and tired of answering the same answers only to kid myself and bluff the world that I am perfectly fine, coping with divorce well as well as 100% happy to be single.
Where should I head to:
1) Manado
2) Bali
3) Phuket
4) Langkawi
5) Cebu
6) Krabi
I feel that I wanna countdown alone sitting by the beach, emo-ing myself away while the world counts down to a brand new year. After this January 2013 trip, I am also thinking of going away during CNY in Feb 2013. So which place should I go first and second? I love sitting by the beach and enjoying the horizon, peace and serenity of the sea coupled with the sea breeze. The salty sea smell also refreshes my mind.
Any suggestions?
Friday, August 17, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Another Emo Night
只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
在這場愛情角力的拔河裡
愛我還是愛你 你選擇了自己
撒嬌的 可愛的 黏人的 愛哭的
照片裡 曾經的都是你喜歡的
如今我還在原地 你卻走回你的記
分開是一種解脫 讓你好好的想過
我想要的 那片天空 你是不是能夠給我
分不清激情 承諾永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因爲我太愛你
安靜了 在我枕邊的夢裡
我知道相愛原本就不容易
愛不是一加一 努力就有結局
臉頰的淚還溫熱 卻沒有人握我的手
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因爲我太愛你
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经
我会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你
如果这最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重逢也无法继续 失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在
也同样落的不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能
我承认你是我不该爱的人
如果再见是为了再分 失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生
需要那么残忍才证明爱的深
我愿意承认你是我爱错了的人
等时间过去 等现在的一切变成回忆
在某个夜里我将站在海边大声喊你
曾有的悲喜将会温暖也会刺痛我的心
我知道我一定会后悔失去你
就快看不到你的背影
分手就要成定局我快要不能呼吸
能够相爱并不容易
那些洒满阳光日子里 那些眼泪和笑语
你真的已不在意
My love, 轻轻的喊着你
曾经爱你永远爱你
我还抱着盼望停留在原地
一段并不长的距离 爱却跨不过去
天空无语海无情
对着你的背影轻声说 "我爱你"
在這場愛情角力的拔河裡
愛我還是愛你 你選擇了自己
撒嬌的 可愛的 黏人的 愛哭的
照片裡 曾經的都是你喜歡的
如今我還在原地 你卻走回你的記
分開是一種解脫 讓你好好的想過
我想要的 那片天空 你是不是能夠給我
分不清激情 承諾永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因爲我太愛你
安靜了 在我枕邊的夢裡
我知道相愛原本就不容易
愛不是一加一 努力就有結局
臉頰的淚還溫熱 卻沒有人握我的手
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因爲我太愛你
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经
我会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你
如果这最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重逢也无法继续 失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在
也同样落的不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能
我承认你是我不该爱的人
如果再见是为了再分 失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生
需要那么残忍才证明爱的深
我愿意承认你是我爱错了的人
等时间过去 等现在的一切变成回忆
在某个夜里我将站在海边大声喊你
曾有的悲喜将会温暖也会刺痛我的心
我知道我一定会后悔失去你
就快看不到你的背影
分手就要成定局我快要不能呼吸
能够相爱并不容易
那些洒满阳光日子里 那些眼泪和笑语
你真的已不在意
My love, 轻轻的喊着你
曾经爱你永远爱你
我还抱着盼望停留在原地
一段并不长的距离 爱却跨不过去
天空无语海无情
对着你的背影轻声说 "我爱你"
Saturday, August 11, 2012
How Much Did/Do I Loved/Love Him?
Frankly, I know I do/did love/loved him otherwise, I wouldn't have gone against parental advice and married him. I wouldn't have swallowed so much of my pride and 'princess' behaviour for him. I wouldn't have put down my dreams of migrating overseas for him. I wouldn't have put him at/as the top priority of my daily life. I wouldn't have him constantly in my mind. I wouldn't be always defending him and protecting his image in front my parents, relatives and friends.
If I didn't love him so much, I won't allow him the easy way out this divorce. I won't set him free so easily. I won't feel this sadness and go through frequent sleepless night or feeling so emotional at times thinking of how this marriage had failed. I won't give him this peace that he requested to forget me.
So how can he claim that he loved me more than I do when he was the one who wanted a divorce? How can he claim that he love me when he was the one who couldn't work things out properly? How can he claim that he love me when he was the one who broke my heart? How can he claim that he love me when he totally wants to cut off all ties with me and move on with his own life? How can he claim that he love me when he said hurtful words towards me and chased me out of the house? How can he claim that he love me when now he is happier than me instead of missing my presence? How can he claimed that he love me when he chose to leave me at a time when I was supposed to be concentrating on my exams and was still ill? How can he claimed that he love me when he was the one who gave up on our marriage and our 12 years of relationship?
He lied. Whatever vows and promises he gave me were all lies now... He won my heart and trust only to shatter it thoroughly.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Understood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at16vn2T__I&feature=youtube_gdata_player
誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
拼命與世人角力最終偏狠狠跌低
人家的東西 無法去佔有
三歲般公園中爭皮球
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有
貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 未到手的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少
貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 沒有的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少
誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
你別說世人既是要貪必須貪到底
人家的東西 無法去佔有
不再想誰共誰還博鬥
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有
誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
拼命與世人角力最終偏狠狠跌低
人家的東西 無法去佔有
三歲般公園中爭皮球
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有
貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 未到手的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少
貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 沒有的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少
誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
你別說世人既是要貪必須貪到底
人家的東西 無法去佔有
不再想誰共誰還博鬥
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Depressive Mood
Been on a depressive mood since that divorce. Of course, I do contradict myself when people around me ask if I am ok and if I am dealing the divorce fine. Don't expect me to crumble down and start crying, right? It is in such times that I wonder when God will really take me back to Him? I fear being left alone to die alone when my parents have passed on later in life. I fear suffering like how some of my patients have suffered before dying...
Just a song to express my mood:
It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
and I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you
Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to you
Sometimes it seems no one understands
I don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?
'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you
Just a song to express my mood:
It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
and I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you
Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to you
Sometimes it seems no one understands
I don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?
'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Goat VS Ox
One is shy while the other is more out-spoken
One is 1.85m while the other is 1.72m
One is Chinese while the other is Eurasian
One is below average financially while the other is rich
One is an engineer while the other is a band director cum diving instructor
One is single while the other is divorced with 2 young kids
One is a Buddhist/Taoist while the other is Catholic
One is has driving license but can't afford a car while the other drives
One is doing his Degree but the other is planning to do his Masters soon
One is highly insecure with issues in life while the other is too flamboyant to let anything bog him down
One stays at Bukit Batok while one stays at Opera Estate
One speaks Aussie english while the other speaks Queen's english
Both are not handsome
Both are typical tunnelled-vision men, who can't multi-task
Both are not that the romantic sort
Both are not so vocal of their feelings for me but can figure out that they are interested to progress on with me
Both are highly sex-charged
Both are very egoistic in their own ways
Both don't mind migrating to Australia in future
I have trusting issue, my heart is still healing from being betrayed by a guy who broke his promise + vows towards me and I cannot commit at the moment due to my dangling divorce issues. They understand.
God please choose and show me the right one... Who knows, maybe both are not the one for me even? Time will tell.
One is 1.85m while the other is 1.72m
One is Chinese while the other is Eurasian
One is below average financially while the other is rich
One is an engineer while the other is a band director cum diving instructor
One is single while the other is divorced with 2 young kids
One is a Buddhist/Taoist while the other is Catholic
One is has driving license but can't afford a car while the other drives
One is doing his Degree but the other is planning to do his Masters soon
One is highly insecure with issues in life while the other is too flamboyant to let anything bog him down
One stays at Bukit Batok while one stays at Opera Estate
One speaks Aussie english while the other speaks Queen's english
Both are not handsome
Both are typical tunnelled-vision men, who can't multi-task
Both are not that the romantic sort
Both are not so vocal of their feelings for me but can figure out that they are interested to progress on with me
Both are highly sex-charged
Both are very egoistic in their own ways
Both don't mind migrating to Australia in future
I have trusting issue, my heart is still healing from being betrayed by a guy who broke his promise + vows towards me and I cannot commit at the moment due to my dangling divorce issues. They understand.
God please choose and show me the right one... Who knows, maybe both are not the one for me even? Time will tell.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Halfway Over
This time, I doubt anyone would be able to stop me. I have given up on the hopes of finding love again and trusting another man enough to settle down again. Too much pain, too much risk of getting myself hurt again, too much instability, too much fear to trust again and too much risk of sacrificing for him again for nothing.
Between an ox and a goat, I have no clue who will able to capture my heart again. One who is rich, yet too flamboyant for my liking and the other, sincere yet too shy + financially strapped to keep up with my current life.
My parents won't stop me now from leaving Singapore, 'cause they both know that flying away was my dream before I entered nursing. However, I allowed myself to be held back due to a guy, who ended up breaking my heart after 12 years.
Once, I have gotten my final judgement papers for divorce by November 2012, I would be lawfully and legally free from any form of commitments to the guy who hurt me so bad. Currently, with the interim judgement papers, I am still 'married' to him and 'committed' to him under the eyes of the law.
I really want to forget him and everything I had with him...
Friday, August 3, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Is It Possible To Remain As Friends After Divorce?
In 2006, after 6 years of courtship, I had thought that I had found my one true love and decided to agree to giving my hand in marriage to him, thinking that he is as much in love with me as I was with him. 6 years later, the marriage ended with a divorce. Sadly in this current era, divorce is a common reality. Couples are more willing to throw their break down in marriage out the window more easily nowadays than to fix it. Lesser and lesser people are honouring their wedding vows.
For the past 2 days, I begin to wonder if it was possible for me to remain as friends with him, forgiving him for hurting me and betraying my trust that he would love me until the end of time? I wondered if I was friends would him, would I be able to accept news in future when he has found someone new and even be able to attend his wedding if he does invite me by then? I wondered if I could even go out with him for a simple dinner or movie as a platonic friend without feeling the hurt of lost love between us?
Personally, I feel that I have forgiven him and is ready to move on with my life, with or without him as a friend. I wouldn't mind him as a friend also. Afterall, 12 years of relationship together, I doubt I would also be able to get him off my mind and the happy memories we had shared would still always be lingering on my mind forever. If we can't be husband & wife, boyfriend & girlfriend, we could might as well as be just friends, without any commitments or responsibilities to one another. I even feel that if one day I ever found out that he is seeing someone new, getting married or even invites me to their wedding, I would gladly oblige and be able to attend it without any hint of jealousy or hurt.
However, I know he wouldn't be able to do the same. I know he is also somehow hurting deep down inside that this relationship had to end in a divorce although he is the one who opted and suggested for divorce, it is just that he is too prideful and egoistic to admit it to anyone and even me (duh?). He is also unable to handle this friendship as he may not be able to accept this brand new, all natural me: more confident, more self-centred and much more out-spoken than before. For all I know, he has probably also found someone new and is unable to keep in contact with me, for fear that the new girlfriend would be jealous and sensitive. Most importantly, I doubt he is mature enough to accept me as a friend after divorce.
Hence, I totally respect his request for me to totally get out of his life and allow him to move on, just like Ivan, who couldn't accept my decision to get ROM 6 years ago. Guess, the guys I dated will never be matured enough to remain friends after a break-up or divorce. Period.
For the past 2 days, I begin to wonder if it was possible for me to remain as friends with him, forgiving him for hurting me and betraying my trust that he would love me until the end of time? I wondered if I was friends would him, would I be able to accept news in future when he has found someone new and even be able to attend his wedding if he does invite me by then? I wondered if I could even go out with him for a simple dinner or movie as a platonic friend without feeling the hurt of lost love between us?
Personally, I feel that I have forgiven him and is ready to move on with my life, with or without him as a friend. I wouldn't mind him as a friend also. Afterall, 12 years of relationship together, I doubt I would also be able to get him off my mind and the happy memories we had shared would still always be lingering on my mind forever. If we can't be husband & wife, boyfriend & girlfriend, we could might as well as be just friends, without any commitments or responsibilities to one another. I even feel that if one day I ever found out that he is seeing someone new, getting married or even invites me to their wedding, I would gladly oblige and be able to attend it without any hint of jealousy or hurt.
However, I know he wouldn't be able to do the same. I know he is also somehow hurting deep down inside that this relationship had to end in a divorce although he is the one who opted and suggested for divorce, it is just that he is too prideful and egoistic to admit it to anyone and even me (duh?). He is also unable to handle this friendship as he may not be able to accept this brand new, all natural me: more confident, more self-centred and much more out-spoken than before. For all I know, he has probably also found someone new and is unable to keep in contact with me, for fear that the new girlfriend would be jealous and sensitive. Most importantly, I doubt he is mature enough to accept me as a friend after divorce.
Hence, I totally respect his request for me to totally get out of his life and allow him to move on, just like Ivan, who couldn't accept my decision to get ROM 6 years ago. Guess, the guys I dated will never be matured enough to remain friends after a break-up or divorce. Period.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
自恋狂
Narcissism is a term with a wide range of meanings, depending on whether it is used to describe a central concept of psychoanalytic theory, a mental illness, a social or cultural problem, or simply a personality trait. Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, "narcissism" usually is used to describe some kind of problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. In everyday speech, "narcissism" often means egoism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others. In psychology, the term is used to describe both normal self-love and unhealthy self-absorption due to a disturbance in the sense of self.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, it was historically called megalomania, and it is closely linked to egocentrism.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, it was historically called megalomania, and it is closely linked to egocentrism.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Countdown: 3 days More
Come 31st July, Amelia would be single and availble once again!
With effect of 1st August, after the court mention of my divorce case on 31st July, I am officially allowed to spread my wings out as wide as I want to enjoy my re-instated single status. I am ready to shake off the thoughts of being 'married' in status and be free with my own actions, to do whatever I like and whenever I want without the fear of people gossiping behind my back or telling me that I am still legally 'married' to him.
It would also be a good time for me to experience all that I have missed out for the past 12 years. No more being restricted mentally of being 'attached' or 'answerable to a guy' for my actions and behaviours. No more such thing called betrayal or infidelity, until I managed to settle down my heart for another guy worthy of me. I would go back to those days, where I need not commit myself to anyone unless I find a guy who can ensure me of happiness and regain my trust again. God bless that lucky guy if he can ever win over Amelia's heart again. The previous guy didn't know how to treasure his wife, and probably still feel triumph over divorcing her. Let it be. Amelia is ready to regain her freedom and no one can ever stop her from doing whatever she wants and likes anymore. The chances of any guy giving her enough assurance to settle down again is slim. The chances of her falling truly in love ever again is slim. The chances of her commiting herself fully into a relationship again is slim.
I don't owe you no shit now. Since you have choosen this path and still don't regret it (from the last phone call, I doubt you ever will also), it is time, I live my life knowing you won't come back.
Goodbye married status, hello, single status!
With effect of 1st August, after the court mention of my divorce case on 31st July, I am officially allowed to spread my wings out as wide as I want to enjoy my re-instated single status. I am ready to shake off the thoughts of being 'married' in status and be free with my own actions, to do whatever I like and whenever I want without the fear of people gossiping behind my back or telling me that I am still legally 'married' to him.
It would also be a good time for me to experience all that I have missed out for the past 12 years. No more being restricted mentally of being 'attached' or 'answerable to a guy' for my actions and behaviours. No more such thing called betrayal or infidelity, until I managed to settle down my heart for another guy worthy of me. I would go back to those days, where I need not commit myself to anyone unless I find a guy who can ensure me of happiness and regain my trust again. God bless that lucky guy if he can ever win over Amelia's heart again. The previous guy didn't know how to treasure his wife, and probably still feel triumph over divorcing her. Let it be. Amelia is ready to regain her freedom and no one can ever stop her from doing whatever she wants and likes anymore. The chances of any guy giving her enough assurance to settle down again is slim. The chances of her falling truly in love ever again is slim. The chances of her commiting herself fully into a relationship again is slim.
I don't owe you no shit now. Since you have choosen this path and still don't regret it (from the last phone call, I doubt you ever will also), it is time, I live my life knowing you won't come back.
Goodbye married status, hello, single status!
27 Sept 2012: Avenue Q
Date: 27 Sept 2012
Time: 8pm
Venue: Marina Bay Sands (Grand Theatre)
I am so looking foward to this musical.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Songs That Remind of The Guys Who Impacted My Love Life The Most
The 1st Guy:
I swear by the moon and the stars in the skies
And I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart
And I swear by the moon and the stars in the skies
I'll be there
I swear like a shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse,
Till death do us part,
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear
I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the walls
And when (and when) just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as the time turns the page,
My love won't age at all
And I swear (I swear) by the moon and the stars in the skies
I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)
For better or worse,
Till death do us part,
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear
I swear (I swear) by the moon and stars in the skies
I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)
For better or worse (better or worse),
Till death do us part (oh no),
I'll love you with every (every single) beat of my heart
I swear, I swear, oh... I... swear...
The 2nd Guy:
望着广场的时钟
你还在我的怀里躲风
不习惯言不由衷
沉默如何能让你都懂
此刻与你相拥 也算有始有终
祝福有许多种 心痛却尽在不言中
请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说苦 爱不用抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐
请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数 最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊 慢慢被放逐
望着广场的时钟
你还在我的怀里躲风
不习惯言不由衷
沉默如何能让你都懂
此刻与你相拥 也算有始有终
祝福有许多种 心痛却尽在不言中
请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说苦 爱不用抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐
请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数 最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊 慢慢被放逐
放心去追逐你的幸福
别管我愿不愿孤不孤独 都别在乎
请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说苦 爱不用抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐
请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数 最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊 慢慢被放逐
放心去追逐你的幸福
别管我愿不愿
But all these were all lies to me...
I swear by the moon and the stars in the skies
And I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart
And I swear by the moon and the stars in the skies
I'll be there
I swear like a shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse,
Till death do us part,
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear
I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the walls
And when (and when) just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as the time turns the page,
My love won't age at all
And I swear (I swear) by the moon and the stars in the skies
I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)
For better or worse,
Till death do us part,
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear
I swear (I swear) by the moon and stars in the skies
I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)
For better or worse (better or worse),
Till death do us part (oh no),
I'll love you with every (every single) beat of my heart
I swear, I swear, oh... I... swear...
The 2nd Guy:
望着广场的时钟
你还在我的怀里躲风
不习惯言不由衷
沉默如何能让你都懂
此刻与你相拥 也算有始有终
祝福有许多种 心痛却尽在不言中
请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说苦 爱不用抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐
请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数 最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊 慢慢被放逐
望着广场的时钟
你还在我的怀里躲风
不习惯言不由衷
沉默如何能让你都懂
此刻与你相拥 也算有始有终
祝福有许多种 心痛却尽在不言中
请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说苦 爱不用抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐
请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数 最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊 慢慢被放逐
放心去追逐你的幸福
别管我愿不愿孤不孤独 都别在乎
请你一定要比我幸福
才不枉费我狼狈退出
再痛也不说苦 爱不用抱歉来弥补
至少我能成全你的追逐
请记得你要比我幸福
才值得我对自己残酷
我默默的倒数 最后再把你看清楚
看你眼里的我好模糊 慢慢被放逐
放心去追逐你的幸福
别管我愿不愿
But all these were all lies to me...
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Thank You
Had my fortune based on my 八字 today and found out that I have two things that I would to thank Mr J.Ng for:
1) thanks for being able to inseminate me 3 years back, 'cause I was due to be actually pregnant then. Thankfully, I didn't get pregnant otherwise things would be more complicated now.
2) thanks for letting me go and divorcing me, so that I can look forward to the possibility of having at least another 2-3 kids in the next 10 years if I find the right guy.
Now that I know what my future roughly holds. Thank God for it :)
1) thanks for being able to inseminate me 3 years back, 'cause I was due to be actually pregnant then. Thankfully, I didn't get pregnant otherwise things would be more complicated now.
2) thanks for letting me go and divorcing me, so that I can look forward to the possibility of having at least another 2-3 kids in the next 10 years if I find the right guy.
Now that I know what my future roughly holds. Thank God for it :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Day I Die
When I die one day, bury me in satin with an acrylic coffin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on those loves me
They'll know I'm safe with you when they stand under my colors.
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding me hand
There's a boy, who said he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed
A penny for my thoughts
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep them in your pocket
Save them for a time when you are really gonna need them
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Love Myself
Learned to love myself more each day
Learned to trust myself more each day
Learned to spoil myself more each day
Learned to dote on myself more each day
Learned to be myself naturally more each day
Learned to do whatever I like, whenever I like more each day
Learned to be happier each day
Learned to be more narcisstic each day
Me, Myself & I, Amelia!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Predictions... True? LIKE FUCK!
Sheep & Pig
The Sheep and the Pig are similar in the most important ways, making for a smooth, loving and sensuous relationship that's satisfying for both. The Pig is a great sensualist who loves reveling in the comforts of rich foods, lovemaking, even sleeping and bathing. The Sheep is no materialist -- this Sign is perfectly content to dwell within the richness of its own imaginings -- but, especially when in love, has a sensual side that comes to the fore. In any type of relationship between these two, the Pig will admire the Sheep's unique mind and creative intelligence. The Sheep will love the Pig for its generosity, its emotional constancy and its strong shoulder to lean on.
As lovers these two make a great match. These are both emotional Signs; in fact, the Sheep needs lots of love and admiration in order to maintain emotional equilibrium, and the Pig is just the Sign to serve as the Sheep's "safe harbor." The Sheep can seem like a loner, but this reputation comes from the simple fact that this Sign often finds it easier to keep its own, vibrant (mental) company than the unpredictable company of the real world. With the Pig, the Sheep will feel free to come out of hiding. The Pig is incredibly helpful and generous to a lover, since this Sign considers close relationships to be of utmost importance
The Sheep and the Pig are similar in the most important ways, making for a smooth, loving and sensuous relationship that's satisfying for both. The Pig is a great sensualist who loves reveling in the comforts of rich foods, lovemaking, even sleeping and bathing. The Sheep is no materialist -- this Sign is perfectly content to dwell within the richness of its own imaginings -- but, especially when in love, has a sensual side that comes to the fore. In any type of relationship between these two, the Pig will admire the Sheep's unique mind and creative intelligence. The Sheep will love the Pig for its generosity, its emotional constancy and its strong shoulder to lean on.
As lovers these two make a great match. These are both emotional Signs; in fact, the Sheep needs lots of love and admiration in order to maintain emotional equilibrium, and the Pig is just the Sign to serve as the Sheep's "safe harbor." The Sheep can seem like a loner, but this reputation comes from the simple fact that this Sign often finds it easier to keep its own, vibrant (mental) company than the unpredictable company of the real world. With the Pig, the Sheep will feel free to come out of hiding. The Pig is incredibly helpful and generous to a lover, since this Sign considers close relationships to be of utmost importance
If I Died Tomorrow...
If I left this world tomorrow, would anyone even care?
If I was never seen again, would you notice I wasn't there?
If my heart stopped beating in my chest,
And I laid down for that final rest
Would anyone hold my memory in there hearts, so dear?
Would anyone even shed a tear?
Knowing that I was nothing but part of your past,
And this glimpse of me would be your last.
Would you sit and think of the fun memories we did share?
Would you break down when you became aware,
That all those happy memories would be
The only thing you had left of me...
If I was never seen again, would you notice I wasn't there?
If my heart stopped beating in my chest,
And I laid down for that final rest
Would anyone hold my memory in there hearts, so dear?
Would anyone even shed a tear?
Knowing that I was nothing but part of your past,
And this glimpse of me would be your last.
Would you sit and think of the fun memories we did share?
Would you break down when you became aware,
That all those happy memories would be
The only thing you had left of me...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
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