Time of The Year 2 Review Goals Set

Resolution/Wish for 2011:
1) I want to be promoted for SSN as I feel I am fully qualified with the relevant certification and experience. (I am still not promoted but was nominated for June 2012)
2) Earn more $$ and save more $$ for my love-nest in 2012. (Fulfilled only to be spending it on my degree program in 2012 instead)
3) Want to a more fulfilling & deeper marriage life and family life. (Goal met but not fully)
4) Learn to be more patient towards people who irritated me in 2010. (Still haven't managed to fully be more empathetic but made less enemies than friends in 2011)
5) God to bless those precious people around me & myself with great health and over-flowing happiness, let no one dear to me shed a single tear of pain, anger or sorrow... (Sadly, my year ended with much tears and missing of my granny who passed away from Stage 4 cancer just after 3 months of being diagnosed)

Run: Leona Lewis

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go, you´ve been the only thing that´s right
In all I´ve done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly doLight up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say


PS: Ah Ma, I Miss You...

Fix You-Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

PS: Dearest Ah Ma, I hope when you were in pain and discomfort as the cancer progressed, I did as promised: I fixed you...

Christmas Wishlist

1. Granny to be safely in Heaven watching down on me and blessing the rest of the road I thread on.
2. A smooth night duty on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
3. God's grace to make my miracle wish come true.
4. A better and happier 2012 to come.

Reasons I Came Out With Why You Left Us So Soon

Reason 1: You knew that David was leaving Cheryl on 19 Dec for America to work on a long-term basis, so you were afraid that if you leave us then, Cheryl won't have anyone to 'support' her through the grief of losing you.

Reason 2: You were afraid that Cheryl may not be able to cope with a double whammy if you choose to pass away after David's departure to America.

Reason 3: You knew that Aunt Josephine has a Christmas party back in Hong Kong, which she is unable to cancel on the 17 Dec and you wanted to make it easier for her to plan her time.

Reason 4: You knew that your children were already near breaking-point of wrenching each other's neck due to your treatment plans as well as they already had many underlying, unresolved issues through out the years, just that they were maintaining peace on the surface to please you but yet try can't take it any longer.

Reason 5: You probably guessed as much that you were down with cancer, even though we tried to hide it from you. Thus, you could feel your body failing you day by day and you couldn't bear to suffer anymore.

Reason 6: You knew that I was torn between postponing my degree studies, juggling work and taking care of you when your condition deteriorates further but yet you drag on. You somehow knew that I wanted to do you proud and fulfill your wishes for me to be a degree graduate but yet I was worried of being unable to cope with multi-tasking and playing so many roles.

Reason 7: You basically fulfilled what God has planned for you and that you have earned your right to go back to Him.

Reason 8: You are content that those who truly loved and treasured you were already back to Singapore and by your side.

Missing Her...

It has been more than a week since my granny has passed away... Her body was cremated on Wednesday.

Her death has somemore impacted me a lot. Started fallling sick on Thursday until today. Fever, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting and tonsillitis.

There is an emptiness in my heart. It feels like someone has stabbed me in my heart and allowed me to bleed slowly. Although she had gave 'signals' to tell me that she is free from pain, free from any suffering and that she is happily settled now where-ever she is, I still feel the trauma of her sudden death and unexpectedly fast deterioration.

I miss her loads, going back to Jurong would never be the same. The empty room where she used to sleep would bring back much bitter-sweet memories... I know I would never really get over the sadness of losing her, but I am comforted that she has earned her rights to go back to the Lord and would be safe with Him...

Good bye Ah Ma

Dear Ah Ma,
You have left us on the morning of 10 Dec 2011.
May you rest in peace and may Angels guide you to your final destination in Heaven.
You will be dearly missed by me. How could I forget the happy times we had together and the smiles you had?
Please watch my road as I journey down the rest of my life and may we meet again when my time is due.
Love you lots...

Less Than Christmas

Brought granny to the polyclinic for a check on her blood levels and found out that she is going into what is known as 'septic shock' soon... Her white blood cell counts are increasing as compared to the results when she was discharged last week. She is also becoming increasingly drowsy, loss much appetite and has difficulties swallowing solid food now. Her liver mass is also enlarging causing her stomach and intestines to slow down in food digestion.

I wanted to know how much time do we have left with her and was informed that CNY would be a miracle. So I went on to ask the doctor, based on his experiences and professional judgement, if we have Christmas with her at least. He told me even Christmas would be a little 'stretchy'.

Mixed emotions. Happy for granny that she wouldn't need to suffer any much longer but yet sad + un-prepared to let her go. I am so going to miss her but I can't be selfish and allow her to suffer anymore discomfort or pain due to her cancer progression.

Anyway, I know that I have done my part and best as her grand-daughter and I have contributed lots to her care these few week, ever since she was diagnosed with cancer. I have no regrets of being her grand-daughter...

One of my aunt said she has a vibe that the death would be on 18 Dec 2011. So if we follow that vibe, I am left with 8 days to treasure moments with my granny but if we follow the doctor's prediction, I am left with 14 days to be with her...

Which ever it is... May angels guide her home to Heaven, where she may experience peace + comfort in her after-life. Amen.

Letting Her Go...

Dear Lord,
It really pains me to see my granny suffering and deteriorating each time I go visit her. She is getting worst weekly...

This week her limbs are swelling up and lymphatic fluid leaking out of her skin pores. Her legs are so swollen that she is having difficulties walking around and she is getting so weak that she even needs help sitting up on the bed from a lying position...
God, why do you make her suffer in such a way? Why can't u take her away without much sufferings? Although I would miss her but I rather u take her away with you to Heaven soon. I can't bear to see her in such sad state...
What wrong has she done that you want her to suffer in such a way? Why do you not answer my desperate prayers? From prayers for my marriage, to prayers for my granny, why do you not answer them? I am ready to let her go into your hands, I know I would lose her to you someday, but must u let suffer so much before you take her away to paradise?

Please, take her with you soon. Don't let her suffer any longer. Don't allow her to be such dreadful state. Don't allow her to deteriorate worst before you guide her into paradise. Don't make her journey to heaven to be so difficult. Please. I beg you. Amen.

Last Splurge of 2011

KK was having a branded bag sale and couldnt resist the temptation to buy one for myself as a reward for the crap + shit I have been through for 2011... :)

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord,
If you need to bring my granny home with you, kindly make it swift and painless. Please do so ASAP and don't let her suffer any more complications before her death.
Amen & Thank You

Suicide of An Acquintance

Last Wednesday, there has been news of a Myanmar nurse, from the neighboring ward that she jumped off a building from the 4th floor and died.

It was said that her boyfriend had cheated on her with her best friend. She even wrote a letter to her best friend pleading her to take care of the boyfriend and even 'instructed' regarding the likes and dislikes of the guy. So touching and sad.

Her body has since been flown back to Myanmar and prayers for her would be conducted tomorrow in Myanmar.

Some people should say that she is foolish and silly to have ended her life due to love matters and it was inconsiderate of her to commit suicide without thinking of how upset her parents would be. Some would say that she was too blinded by love and by dying would just means that she gave up on her boyfriend, allowing him to be live life scot-free and continue romancing with her best friend. In my eyes, I am touched by her self-sacrificing ways to even go to the extend of writing 'instructions' to her best friend on how to care and keep the guy interested but yet I feel she is silly. With her death, the best friend and the boyfriend would not only be granted their wish but they can also be living the rest of their lives in fear and guilt. Her death is also unfair for her parents and for those who loves her as a close friend, sister, cousin, granddaughter and lastly, colleague. Yet, I can somehow empathize her sadness and anger of losing her boyfriend to someone whom is your best friend.

Anyway, now that she is gone, I pray that she would be happier where-ever she is and bless those who truly loves her and misses her. She was only 22 and had a life-long journey ahead of her but now she has eternity in Heaven, I hope...

God bless her soul.

11.11.11

Started the day with an argument regarding his insistence to go to JB on 12.11.11 with few colleagues for day to explore the place and due to my insecurities I objected. But instead he rebuked me by saying that he wasn't asking me for permission to go and he was just informing me of his plans, so it doesn't matter if I said yes or no.
WTF!
Cold war now... Fuck it!

Life Of Having A Cancer-Strickened Granny

I never know how patients' relatives and loved on truly felt when their loved ones were/are diagnosed with cancer. Finally, I do.

It is this thought that keeps reminded you that their days are numbered and you fear that time is running out.

Granny has been diagnosed with Stage 4, Colon Cancer, which has metastasized to large part of her liver and part of her lungs. Thus, currently she is on an absolute no fiber diet and need to be closely monitored for fecal blockage and ascities.
Although she is still fit now, she isn't fit enough to even walk to the toilet without panting for breaths. She isn't even able to eat her usual portion of food as compared to the beginning of the year. Her skin integrity is getting worst.

It is at times like these that everyone in the family is FINALLY making good use of the remaining 6mths-1yr time frame to treasure her presence and to spend time with her. Even I am guilty of it. I used to hold off visiting her to like few months once but now, I have making it a point to drop by her house once a week. I feel like I need to see her once a week and assess her condition to ensure that she isn't deteriorating. I feel I want to act like her palliative nurse to ensure even if she needs to go, she would go painlessly, without any sufferings. Being in this line and having my specialization in Oncology is paying off. At least, I know what to look out for and how to manage confidently should there be any complications related to her cancer progression.

I feel like the pressure is on me to facilitate a smooth cancer progression journey for her. Although, I would not bear to let her go but I pray for the Lord to have mercy on her and if He does need her to go, let it be swift and as painless as possible. I pray that she would have to suffer for more than 10 seconds.

She is 84 now and if she has to go back to the Lord, she has to go. However, I just hope when that day comes, I would be strong to accept her death.

Since her cancer diagnosis, I have not shed much tears. Not that I am numbed, not that I am unfeeling, neither is it that I am not upset by the news, it is just that I have to be strong for the family and for her...

Dilemma Over Degree Studies

Have been contemplating whether I should postpone my degree studies until my granny had passed away for the fear of being unable to cope with multi-tasking.

Currently, granny's health is still manageable but I can see that she is slowly deteriorating and the end would be quite near. Moreover the doctors has given as a 6months to 1 year prognosis period, provided nothing drastic happens. So which means her condition would most likely to go down hill after a period of time. I have self nominated myself to be the main advisor of the family as well as palliative 'nurse' should she need any palliative care during period when she deteriorates and needs palliative management. I would predict that when that time comes, I would practically need to be available for at least weekly house visits and frequent phone advise.

As such, I am worried that I would not be able to cope with studying, working and caring for my granny all at once. Not to forget my new house would also be ready by mid to end of 2012, which also coincides with my 6-12mths prognosis period. So I am not sure if I would be able to cope with these things happening all around the same time.

Yet, if I postpone my studies, I wouldn't be able to fulfill my own wish for my granny to witness me attaining my degree when she is alive. Although she doesn't say so but from young, she has always encouraged me to study as much as I can and if possible go to 'university'.

This year when I graduated from my Advanced Diploma, she didn't manage to attend the graduation ceremony, so I really want her to see me wear the mortar board when I do graduate from my degree course. She would be like one of my few motivational factors why I must pass my degree course.

I am so not sure if I should defer my studies to 2013 instead??? We'll see and play by ear.

Bad News For The Past Week

Has been a tough last one week me...
18 Oct:  grandma was admitted to SGH due to anaemia after a routine blood test showed low haemoglobin
19 Oct: I recieved news that she has been diagnosed with suspected colon cancer as her CEA was 4360 (the normal is <5), so a colonoscopy was rendered to do a check
20 Oct: Colonoscopy was done and showed 2 tumours, one at the sigmoid, which had 'eaten' up about 70% of the colon space, hindering the scope from proceeding furthur. Hence, a CT scan was scheduled on the same evening to see if there are any other tumours.
21 Oct: CT Scan showed that there are 2 tumours in the colon. One at the sigmoid and the other, a larger one, located at the ascending colon. The scan also shows that there are some liver metastasis and lung metastasis. Thus, a referral to the colorectal surgeon and oncologist is made.
24 Oct: Met up with the colorectal surgeon who told the family that a surgery is not suitable due to my grandma's age, thus, they are not going to do anything about the tumours unless it is an emergency or life threatening. He also told us that the liver metastasis was not just limited to some but nearly the whole liver. The prognosis is about 6months - 2years. However, there may be a possibility of the tumour rupturing and causing a massive bleeding, which would lead to immediate death. Next, we had to be prepare for a stoma if the tumour increases in size and cause a total blockage of the colon leading to intestinal obstruction. The oncologist came along and told us he is recommending oral chemotherapy drugs as my grandma's body may not be able to take the intensive chemotherapy. But he wants to await the histology report to come in before making any final decision.
25 Oct: Grandma is discharged with an appointment to meet the colorectal surgeon again next Tuesday to discuss the histological report and another appointment to meet the oncologist on 21 Oct to discuss about the chemotherapy.

Now, the whole family looks upon me to give advice so as to care for my grandmother. Everyone is also upset with the news and coping differently.

Haiz... I have to be strong for the family but yet I also have to cope with the bad news...

KK Dinner & Dinner 2011

This year's theme was 'When I Grow Up...', so I followed the theme. Since I was already following my childhood dream of becoming a nurse and that it would be kind of boring to wear my nursing uniform to the event, I decided to go with 'When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be A Tai-Tai'. LOLx...
My table-mates aka as my colleagues rocks! Had so much laughter and fun with them...
Sadly, I am not sure if this would be the last time I attend KK DnD or the last DnD I spend with my ward colleagues 'cause, I am seriously thinking of leaving shift work hours and pursue back the office hours nursing career. So I am not sure if I would still remain in KK or even the ward...

Management Issues

Pretty mad today at my nursing manager. Felt that she has suddenly become biased and turned her back on me the moment she knows I would not be helping her with any more projects due to my degree studies soon.

Since, she has decided to be so practical in her behaviour and management style, then, I think I shall not hold back and be so obliging towards her anymore. It is time I fight for my own career happiness and care about no one else but myself now.

I would see how best I could by-pass her and speak to higher management authorities to get the job promotion I need as well as my office hours job back. I have sacrificed so much for my nursing manager for the past 1.5 years and slogged for the hospital for the past 4 years. If the hospital cannot meet either of my two requests, I have planned to leave after my bond in July 2012 and find my own office hours nursing career.

I have been a nurse since 8 years ago and most of my peers are either SSNs or even in the management role, but because I was job-hopping around, I missed the chance of promotion as most places would promote staff after at least 3 years of being in that particular organization. Now I have my advanced nursing certification, even more reasons for me to be promoted. Hence, if my hospital has no plans to promote me due to whatever invalid or unjustifiable reasons they have, I would have to find better pastures again or at least do a job which is office hours and which I enjoy as well as have job satisfaction in. Frankly, I used to have that kind of job satisfaction before when I was working as the day chemotherapy nurse but I was transferred to the inpatient oncology ward due to my advance certification, which they claim that my skills would be more needed at ward level. Thinking that I could cope and may have a chance of promotion, I agreed. Then, my nursing manager kept asking me to do her projects to improve the ward's level of nursing care, especially in the the chemotherapy area, which I also obliged thinking that it would increase my chance of promotion. Now I know, I am wrong, whenever I asked her about when I could be promoted, she would come out with many excuses not to be promote and even asked me to be fulfill her expectations of waiting for the right time. Whenever, I voiced out my difficulties in doing shift work, she would say that their isn't any job openings for office hours and that the ward really needs me so she is kind of unwilling to release me, she would then tell me that she would keep a look out for me to transfer me out to another department with office hours unless the other department is willing to exchange staff also. Currently, I have enough of waiting around and feeling unappreciated for all my efforts as well as patience.

I have started to show her attitude and I guess she would call me into her room on Monday to discuss this with me. Perhaps, it is time I voiced out my unhappiness and really seek for re-dress of my grievances.

Let's see what happens next... Would I get what I need and want or do I really have to leave this organization in seek of better pastures out there??

Random Rant & Thoughts

I am almost done praying for the 'miracle' in my marriage. It is never gonna happen and I have to stop hoping for it. To some, it is the most important element in a marriage and to some, it ain't a big deal. In my heart, mind and soul, it was and still is considered an important aspect of a marriage BUT it should not be used as a form of judgement for whether a marriage is successfully blissful or as a form of proof for fidelity in marriage.
Anyway, I just need to let this out of my chest! Ok. Just for the record, if I ever have a son, I would name him, Xavier. If I ever had a girl, I would name her Alethea. Don't ask me how I got these names and why I love my kids to bear those names? I don't know either. Just liked it and have been telling myself this for the past few years. I have even prayed about it. However, it seems God doesn't want to bless me with a kid or perhaps, He doesn't feel I should be given the gift of love.
Now that I am done with this rant. Good. I am happy to sleep and allow this matter to rest in peace forever. Yet another unhappiness I have in God! Whatever! I still believe in Him and worship Him.

Considerations...

Introduction:

This BSc Nursing Degree Programme delivered in Singapore is equitable with the education offered to registered nurses by Edinburgh Napier University within the United Kingdom and Europe and is accredited by the Singapore Nursing Board. The aim of the programme is to enable registered nurses to work in a variety of dynamic and challenging healthcare settings.
Nurses are required to be professional, knowledgeable; self reliant and resourceful in their care approaches. The completion of this programme will enable individuals to develop theory and practice skills that together, reflect the essential components of a professional registered practitioner.
The 16-month part-time degree course for registered nurses consists of eight nursing units and will be conducted at the University's Singapore partner facilities at CSM Academy.


Why a Bachelor in Science (Nursing)?
The Bachelor course provides registered nurses with the opportunity to: study core concepts of nursing which are concerned with the well being of individual, family and community and which can be applied to any nursing situation;
expand theoretical foundations in the physical, biological and behavioural sciences relevant to the present day practice of nursing;
critically analyse structural and functional elements of health care systems and using these make constructive contributions in the development of a health team approach to the delivery of health care in hospital and community health agencies;
increase skills in problem solving and appreciate the need for continually recognising and solving problems affecting the delivery of health care in hospital and community health agencies;
accept responsibility for continuing personal and professional development and for contributing in a leadership capacity to the changes occurring within nursing and the community;
extend skills in the location and interpretation of relevant information and application of administrative records, statistics and other forms of management information, including an awareness of the relevance and use of computers and other types of electronic data processing within the health care system;
initiate and/or actively participate in the formulation and implementation of applied research projects;
critically evaluate and revise nursing practice.


Career Prospects:
Graduates have enhanced career opportunities in a wide variety of health care organisation settings. The foundation of the program spans professional nursing issues, such as ethics, law, quality improvement, personnel and budget management, performance management, strategic and operational business planning, principles of research methodology, written communications, nursing science, health assessment, nursing theories and self-development accountability.

Course Fees:
S$1,700 per module totalling S$13,600
(8 modules) for the entire programme.

Application Fee:
S$300 (before GST at prevailing rates)


Subject Synopsis
1)Evaluating Practice through theories and models -
NUR09113 (20 Credits @ Level 9)
2)Health Promotion -
HLT08102 (20 Credits @ Level 8)
3)Innovation and Change -
NMS09101 (20 Credits @ Level 9)
4)Learning, Teaching and Assessment in Practice -
NUR09114 (20 Credits @ Level 9)
5)Pharmacology
NUR09100 (20 Credits @ Level 9)
6)Principles of Research and Evidence Based Practice
NMS09100 (20 Credits @ Level 9)
7)Professional, Ethical and Legal Issues in Health Care
ADN08102 (20 Credits @ Level 8)
8)Health Assessment of Acute Illness & Deterioration
NUR09115 (20 Credits @ Level 9)


Course Delivery & Assessment Methods:

Part time students may be offered 2 modules per semester. Delivery of course will have a combination of classroom lectures, tutorials, online & practical.
Student's learning is assessed from a theoretical and clinical practice perspective. Theory is assessed through problem-based learning via exams, essays, care studies, group work and student presentations.


Course Duration:
Part-time: 16 months


Course Commencement:
September, January & May




Updated (2/9/11): Still considering... All the important people around me fully supports my idea of studying. Now it is my own personal huddle of lack of self-confidence and fear of failure that is stopping me.

Final Destination 5

Caught the movie in 3D with husband.
Didn't exactly enjoy the movie much, I found it not as gruesome and 'disgusting' as it's previous sequels. The way of death lack the awesome blood-splashes and gore as I would have expected it to be.

I Am Not A Perfect Wife, Never Is & Never Will Be

I am just a plain woman who requests for a happy & stable marriage. A woman who just want her husband to treasure & appreciates me for the things I do for him. Is that so hard?

You have your bad mood days and so do I! You have to work to earn money and I am no different!
You are not the only one who likes to laze around and not do a single thing around the house. I also would like to laze around, not having to worry if the clothes are washed, ironed or fret over the fact that dishes are not washed or think about when was the last time the bed linen were changed or when was the floor cleaned and mopped or is fridge stocked up with enough groceries to last us for the next few days.
You have your pride and 'face' to maintain in front of your parents, I also have my own pride and 'face' to uphold as a daughter in-law to your parents.
You had a good life from young with your parents picking up your mess, attending to your needs and always giving in to you. I have parents who taught me the meaning of self-dependence and how to try to compromise to others while keeping mum about my own unhappiness if possible to maintain a happy and stable living environment.
You have your tolerance limits to how much I nag at you but have you ever listened to my reason for nagging? Do you even know what triggered it? Do you know what made me so unhappy that I have to nag about it? NO! YOU ARE JUST PLAINLY ABSORBED INTO YOUR OWN WORLD, LIVING LIFE THE WAY YOU LIKE IT TO BE! 'CAUSE YOU HAVE THE MENTALITY THAT WITHOUT ME, YOU HAVE YOUR MUM TO DEPEND ON AND I MEAN NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE!

You used to suck up to me whenever we have an argument. In the present few years, you just pretend as nothing happened whenever we have an argument and you choose to maintain your pride and not apologize. You always think you are right and never wrong. At the back of your mind, I am always the one at fault, I am the unreasonable one, I am the trouble-maker and I am getting out of hand... Well, continue living in your own world, one day, your mum would die and leave you. By then, perhaps (just maybe) you would realize the importance of me in your life. The same goes for your dad and brother, cause they are like you, always dependent on your mum to care for their daily needs and she is one who would always clear their mess after them.

I must also thank your mum for constantly cheering you on despite your own mistakes and making you think I am unworthy of you. I must respect her for her determination in making the world think I am a bad daughter in law, a bad wife and a bad person.



PS: Just remember, you have parents and so do I, except my parents do correct me of my mistakes and they do guide me to be a better person...

What Is Considered An Ideal Wife?

It is a high honor for a woman to be chosen from among all womankind, to be the wife of a godly and true man. She is lifted up to be a crowned queen. Her husband's manly love laid at her feet, exalts her to the throne of his life. Great power is placed in her hands. Sacred destinies are reposed in her keeping. Will she wear her crown beneficently? Will she fill her realm with beauty and with blessing? Or will she fail in her holy trust? Only her married life can be the answer.

A woman may well pause before she gives her hand in marriage, and inquire whether he is worthy, to whom she is asked to surrender so much; whether he can bring true happiness to her life; whether he can meet the cravings of her nature for love and for companionship; whether he is worthy to be lifted to the highest place in her heart and honored as a husband should be honored. She must ask these questions for her own sake, else the dream may fade with the bridal wreath—and she may learn, when too late, that he for whom she has left all, and to whom she has given all—is not worthy of the sacred trust, and has no power to fill her life with happiness, to awaken her heart's chords, to touch her soul's depths.

But the question should be turned and asked from the other side. Can she be a true wife to him who asks for her hand? Is she worthy of the love that is laid at her feet? Can she be a blessing to the life of him who would lift her to the throne of his heart? Will he find in her all the beauty, all the tender loveliness, all the rich qualities of nature, all the deep sympathy and companionship, all the strengthful, uplifting love, all the sources of joy and help, which he seems now to see in her? Is there any possible future for him, which she could not share? Are there needs in his soul, or hungers, which she cannot answer? Are there chords in his life which her fingers cannot awaken?

Surely it is proper for her to question her own soul for him—while she bids him question his soul for her. A wife has a part in the song of wedded love—if it is to be a harmony. She holds in her hands on her wedding day—precious interests, sacred destinies, and holy responsibilities, which, if disclosed to her sight at once, might well appall the bravest heart. Her opportunity is one which the loftiest angel might covet. Not the happiness only of a manly life—but its whole future of character, of influence, of growth, rests with her.

What is the true ideal of a godly wife? It is not something lifted above the common experiences of life, not an ethereal angel feeding on ambrosia and moving in the realms of imagination. In some European cities they sell to the tourist models of their cathedrals made of alabaster, whiter than snow. But so delicate are these alabaster shrines that they must be kept under glass covers or they will be soiled by the dust; and so frail that they must be sheltered from every crude touch, lest their lovely columns may be shattered. They are very graceful and beautiful—but they serve no lofty purpose. No worshipers can enter their doors. No melody rises to heaven from their aisles. So there are ideals of womanhood which are very lovely, full of graceful charms, pleasing, attractive—but which are too delicate and frail for this wearisome, storm-swept world of ours. Such ideals the poets and the novelists sometimes give us. They appear well to the eye—as they are portrayed for us on the brilliant page. But of what use would they be in the life which the real woman of our day has to live? A breath of earthly air would stain them! One day of actual experience in the hard toils and sore struggles of life would shatter their frail loveliness to fragments! We had better seek for ideals which will not be soiled by a crude touch, nor blown away by a stiff breeze, and which will grow lovelier as they move through life's paths of sacrifice and toil. The true wife needs to be no mere poet's dream, no artist's picture, no ethereal lady too fine for use—but a woman healthful, strong, practical, industrious, with a hand for life's common duties, yet crowned with that beauty which a high and noble purpose gives to a soul.

One of the first essential elements in a wife is faithfulness, in the largest sense. The heart of her husband safely trusts in her. Perfect confidence is the basis of all true affection. A shadow of doubt destroys the peace of married life. A true wife, by her character and by her conduct, proves herself worthy of her husband's trust. He has confidence in her affection; he knows that her heart is unalterably true to him. He has confidence in her management; he confides to her the care of his household. He knows that she is true to all his interests, that she is prudent and wise, not wasteful nor extravagant. It is one of the essential things in a true wife—that her husband shall be able to leave in her hands the management of all domestic affairs, and know that they are safe. Wifely wastefulness and extravagance have destroyed the happiness of many a household, and wrecked many a home. On the other hand, many a man owes his prosperity to his wife's prudence and her wise administration of household affairs.

Every true wife makes her husband's interests her own. While he lives for her, carrying her image in his heart and toiling for her all the days—she thinks only of what will do him good. When burdens press upon him—she tries to lighten them by sympathy, by cheer, by the inspiration of love. She enters with zest and enthusiasm into all his plans. She is never a weight to drag him down; she is strength in his heart to help him ever to do nobler and better things.

All wives are not such blessings to their husbands. Woman is compared sometimes to the vine, while man is the strong oak to which it clings. But there are different kinds of vines. Some vines wreathe a robe of beauty and a crown of glory for the tree, covering it in summer days with green leaves and in the autumn hanging among its branches rich purple clusters of fruit. Other vines twine their arms about it—only to sap its very life and destroy its vigor, until it stands decaying and unsightly, stripped of its splendor, discrowned and fit only for the fire!

A true wife makes a man's life nobler, stronger, grander, by the omnipotence of her love, turning all the forces of manhood upward and heavenward. While she clings to him in holy confidence and loving dependence, she brings out in him whatever is noblest and richest in his being. She inspires him with courage and earnestness. She beautifies his life. She softens whatever is crude and harsh in his habits or his spirit. She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood. While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path.

But there are wives also like the vines which cling only to blight. Their dependence is weak, indolent helplessness. They lean—but impart no strength. They cling—but they sap the life. They put forth no hand to help. They loll on sofas or promenade the streets; they dream over sentimental novels; they gossip in drawing rooms. They are utterly useless—and being useless they become burdens even to manliest, tenderest love. Instead of making a man's life stronger, happier, richer—they absorb his strength, impair his usefulness, hinder his success and cause him to be a failure among men. To themselves also the result is wretchedness. Dependence is beautiful when it does not become weakness and inefficiency. The true wife clings and leans—but she also helps and inspires. Her husband feels the mighty inspiration of her love in all his life. Toil is easier, burdens are lighter, battles are less fierce—because of the face that waits in the quiet of the home, because of the heart that beats in loving sympathy whatever the experience, because of the voice that speaks its words of cheer and encouragement when the day's work is done. No wife knows how much she can do to make her husband honored among men, and his life a power and a success, by her loyal faithfulness, by the active inspiration of her own sweet life!

The good wife is a good housekeeper. I know well how unromantic this remark will appear to those whose dreams of married life are woven of the fancies of youthful sentimentality. But these frail dreams of sentimentality will not last long amid the stern realities of life, and then that which will prove one of the rarest elements of happiness and blessing in the household, will be housewifely industry and diligence.

When young people marry they are rarely troubled with many thoughts about the details of housekeeping. Their dreams are high above all such common place issues. The mere mention of such things as cooking, baking, sweeping, dusting, mending, ironing—jars upon the poetic rhythm of the lofty themes of conversation. It never enters the brains of these happy lovers—that it will make every difference in the world in their home life—whether the bread is sweet or sour; whether the oatmeal is well cooked or scorched; whether the meals are punctual or tardy. The mere thought that such common matters could affect the tone of their wedded life, seems a desecration.

It is a pity to dash away such exquisite dreams—but the truth is, they do not long outlast the echo of the wedding peals—or the fragrance of the bridal roses! The newly married are not long within their own doors, before they find that something more than tender sentimentality is needed to make their home-life a success. They come down from the clouds—when the daily routine begins and touch the common soil on which the feet of other mortals walk. Then they find that they are dependent, just like ordinary people, on some quite commonplace duties. One of the very first things they discover is the intimate relation between the kitchen and wedded happiness. That love may fulfill its delightful prophecies and realize its splendid dreams—there must be in the new home, some very practical elements. The palace that is to rise into the air, shooting up its towers, displaying its wonders of architecture, flashing its splendors in the sunshine—to the admiration of the world, must have its foundation in commonplace earth, resting on plain, hard, honest rock. Love may build its palace of noble sentiments and tender affections and sweet romances—rising into the very clouds, and in this splendid home two souls may dwell in the enjoyment of the highest possibilities of wedded life; but this palace, too, must stand on the ground, with unpoetic and unsentimental stones for its foundation. That foundation is good housekeeping. In other words, good breakfasts, dinners and suppers, a well-kept house, order, system, promptness, punctuality, good cheer—far more than any young lovers dream—does happiness in married life depend upon such commonplace things as these!

Love is very patient, very kind, very gentle; and where there is love no doubt the plainest fare is ambrosia; and the plainest surroundings are charming. I know the wise man said: "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a good roast-beef dinner, with hatred!" But herbs as a constant diet will pall on the taste, even if love is ever present to season them. In this day of advanced civilization, it ought to be possible to have both the stalled ox—and love. Husbands are not angels in this mundane state, and not being such they need a substantial basis of good housekeeping, for the realization of their dreams of blissful home-life!

There certainly have been cases in which very tender love has lost its tenderness, and when the cause lay in the disorder and mismanagement of the housewifery. There is no doubt that many a heart-estrangement, begins at the table where meals are slipshod, and food is poorly prepared or served. Bad housekeeping will soon drive the last vestige of romance out of any home! The illusion which love weaves about an idolized bride, will soon vanish if she proves lazy or incompetent in her domestic management. The wife who will keep the charm of early love unbroken through the years, and in whose home the dreams of the wedding day will come true—must be a good housekeeper!

In one of his Epistles Paul gives the counsel that young wives should be "workers at home," signifying that home is the sphere of the wife's duties, and that she is to find her chief work there. There is a glory in all the Christian charities which Christian women, especially in these recent days, are founding and conducting with so much enthusiasm and such marked and abounding success. Woman is endowed with gifts of sympathy, of gentleness, of inspiring strengthfulness, which peculiarly fit her to be Christ's messenger of mercy to human woe and sorrow and pain.

There is the widest opportunity in the most fitting service for every woman whose heart God has touched to be a ministering angel to those who need sympathy or help. There are many who are free to serve in public charities, in caring for the poor, for the sick in hospital wards, for the orphaned and the aged. There are few women who cannot do a little in some one or more of these organizations of Christian beneficence.

But it should be understood, that for every wife the first duty is the making and keeping of her own home! Her first and best work should be done there—and until it is well done—she has no right to go outside to take up other duties. She is to be a "worker at home!" She must look upon her home as the one spot on earth, for which she alone is responsible, and which she must cultivate well for God—even if she never does anything outside. For her the Father's business is not attending benevolent societies, and missionary meetings, and mothers' meetings, and bible conventions, or even teaching a Sunday-school class—until she has made her own home all that her wisest thought and best skill can make it!

There have been wives who in their zeal for Christ's work outside, have neglected Christ's work inside their own doors! They have had eyes and hearts for human need and human sorrow in the broad fields lying far out—but neither eye nor heart for the work of love close about their own feet. The result has been that while they were doing angelic work in the lanes and streets—the angels were mourning over their neglected duties within the hallowed walls of their own homes! While they were winning a place in the hearts of the poor or the sick or the orphan—they were losing their rightful place in the hearts of their own household. Let it be remembered that Christ's work in the home is the first that he gives to every wife, and that no amount of consecrated activities in other spheres, will atone for neglect or failure there.

The good wife is generous and warm-hearted. She does not grow grasping and selfish. In her desire to economize and add to her stores—she does not forget those about her who suffer or are in poverty. While she gives her wisest and most earnest thought and her best and most skillful work to her own home, her heart does not grow cold toward those outside who need sympathy. I cannot conceive of true womanhood ripened into mellow richness, yet lacking the qualities of gentleness and unselfishness. A woman whose heart is not touched by the sight of sorrow, and whose hands do not go out in relief where it is in her power to help—lacks one of the elements which make the glory of womanhood.

This is not the place to speak of woman as a ministering angel. If it were, it would be easy to fill many pages with the bright records of most holy deeds of self-sacrifice. I am speaking now, however, of woman as wife; and only upon so much of this ministry to the suffering—as she may perform in her own home, at her own door and in connection with her housewifely duties—is it fit to linger at this time. But even in this limited sphere, her opportunities are by no means small.

It is in her own home—that this warmth of heart and this openness of hand are first to be shown. It is as wife and mother—that her gentleness performs its most sacred ministry. Her hand wipes away the teardrops when there is sorrow. In sickness she is the tender nurse. She bears upon her own heart every burden that weighs upon her husband. No matter how the world goes with him during the day—when he enters his own door he meets the fragrant atmosphere of love. Other friends may forsake him—but she clings to him with unalterable fidelity. When gloom comes down and adversity falls upon him—her faithful eyes look ever into his like two stars of hope shining in the darkness. When his heart is crushed, beneath her smile it gathers itself again into strength, "like a wind-torn flower in the sunshine." "You cannot imagine," wrote De Tocqueville of his wife, "what she is in great trials. Usually so gentle, she then becomes strong and energetic. She watches me without my knowing it; she softens, calms and strengthens me in difficulties which distract me—but leave her serene." An eloquent tribute—but one which thousands of husbands might give.

Men often do not see the angel in the plain, plodding woman who walks quietly beside them—until the day of trial comes; then in the darkness—the glory shines out. An angel ministered to our Lord when in Gethsemane he wrestled with his great and bitter sorrow. What a benediction to the mighty Sufferer, was in the soft gliding to his side of that gentle presence, in the touch of that soothing, supporting hand laid upon him, in the comfort of that gentle voice thrilling with sympathy as it spoke its strengthening message of love! Was it a mere coincidence that just at that time and in that place, that the radiant messenger came? No, it is always so. Angels choose such occasions to pay their visits to men.

So it is in the dark hours of a man's life, when burdens press, when sorrows weigh like mountains upon his soul, when adversities have left him crushed and broken, or when he is in the midst of fierce struggles which try the strength of every fiber of his manhood—that all the radiance and glory of a true wife's strengthful love shine out before his eyes! Only then does he recognize in her—God's angel of mercy!

In sickness—how thoughtful, how skillful, how gentle a nurse is the true wife! In struggle with temptation or adversity or difficulty—what an inspirer she is! In misfortune or disaster—what lofty heroism does she exhibit and what courage does her bravery kindle in her husband's heart! Instead of being crushed by the unexpected loss, she only then rises to her full grandeur of soul. Instead of weeping, repining and despairing, and thus adding tenfold to the burden of the misfortune—she cheerfully accepts the changed circumstances and becomes a minister of hope and strength. She turns away from luxury and ease—to the plainer home, the simpler life, the humbler surroundings, without a murmur!

It is in such circumstances and experiences, that the heroism of woman's soul is manifested. Many a man is carried victoriously through misfortune and enabled to rise again—because of the strong inspiring sympathy and the self-forgetting help of his wife! And many a man fails in fierce struggle, and rises not again from the defeat of misfortune—because the wife at his side proves unequal to her opportunity.

But a wife's ministry of mercy reaches outside her own doors. Every true home is an influence of blessing in the community where it stands. Its lights shine out. Its songs ring out. Its spirit breathes out. The neighbors know whether it is hospitable or inhospitable, warm or cold, inviting or repelling. Some homes bless no lives outside their own circle; others are perpetually pouring out sweetness and fragrance. The ideal Christian home is a far-reaching blessing. It sets its lamps in the windows, and while they give no less light and cheer to those within, they pour a little beam upon the gloom without, which may brighten some dark path and put a little cheer into the heart of some poor passer-by. Its doors stand ever open with a welcome to everyone who comes seeking shelter from the storm, or sympathy in sorrow, or help in trial. It is a hospice, like those blessed refuges on the Alps, where the weary or the chilled or the fainting are sure always of refreshment, of warmth, of kindly friendship, of gentle ministry of mercy. It is a place where one who is in trouble may always go confident of sympathy and comfort. It is a place where the young people love to go, because they know they are welcome and because they find there inspiration and help.

And this atmosphere of the home, the wife makes; indeed, it is her own spirit filling the house and pouring out like light or like fragrance. A true wife is universally beloved. She is recognized as one of God's angels scattering blessings as far as her hand can reach. Her neighbors are all blessed by her ministrations. When sickness or sorrow touches any other household, some token of sympathy finds its way from her hand into the shadowed home. To the old she is gentle and patient. To the young she is inciting and helpful. To the poor she is God's hand reached out. To the sufferer she brings strength. To the sorrowing she is a consoler. There is trouble nowhere near—but her face appears at the door and her hand brings its blessing!

Some wife, weary already, her hands over-full with the multiplied cares and duties of her household life—may plead that she has no strength to spend in sympathy and help for others. But it is truly wonderful how light these added burdens seem—when they are taken up in love. Always the duties we perform out of love for Christ and his suffering ones—become easy and pleasant as we take them up. Heaven's benediction rests ever on the home of her who lives to do good.

Scarcely a word has been said thus far of a wife's personal relation to her husband and the duties which spring out of that relation. These are manifold, and yet they are so sacred and delicate—that it seems hardly fit to speak or write of them. A few of the more important of these duties belonging to the wife's part may be merely touched upon. A true wife gives her husband her fullest confidence. She hides nothing from him. She gives no pledge of secrecy which will seal her lips in his presence. She listens to no words of admiration from others, which she may not repeat to him. She expresses to him every feeling, every hope, every desire and yearning, every joy or pain.

Then while she utters every confidence in his ear—he is most careful to speak in no other ear any word concerning the sacred inner life of her home. Are there little frictions or grievances in the wedded life? Has her husband faults which annoy her or cause her pain? Does he fail in this duty or that? Do differences arise which threaten the peace of the home? In the feeling of disappointment and pain, smarting under a sense of injury—a wife may be strongly tempted to seek sympathy by telling her trials to some intimate friends. Nothing could be more fatal to her own truest interests, and to the hope of restored happiness and peace in her home. Grievances complained of outside—remain unhealed sores. The wise wife will share her secret of unhappiness with none but her Master, while she strives in every way that patient love can suggest—to remove the causes of discord or trouble.

Love sees much in a wife which other eyes see not. It throws a veil over her blemishes; it transfigures even her plainest features. One of the problems of her wedded life—is to retain this charm for her husband's eyes as long as she lives, to appear lovely to him even when the color has faded from her cheeks and when the music has gone out of her voice. This is no impossibility; it is only what is done in every true home. But it cannot be done by the arts of the dressmaker, the milliner and the hair-dresser, only the arts of love can do it! The wife who would always hold in her husband's heart the place she held on her wedding day—will never cease striving to be lovely. She will be as careful of her words and acts and her whole bearing toward him—as she was before marriage. She will cultivate in her own life whatever is beautiful, whatever is winning, whatever is graceful. She will scrupulously avoid whatever is offensive or unwomanly.

She will look well to her personal appearance; no woman can be careless in her dress, slovenly and untidy—and long keep her place on the throne of her husband's life. She will look well to her inner life. She must have mental attractiveness. She will seek to be clothed in spiritual beauty. Her husband must see in her ever-new loveliness, as the years move on. As the charms of physical beauty may fade in the toils and vicissitudes of life, there must be more and more beauty of soul to shine out to replace the attractions which are lost. It has been said that "the wife should always leave something to be revealed only to her husband, some modest charm, some secret grace, reserved solely for his delight and inspiration, like those flowers which give of their sweetness only to the hand which lovingly gathers them." She should always care more to please him—than any other person in the world. She should prize more highly a compliment from his lips—than from any other human lips. Therefore she should reserve for him the sweetest charms; she should seek to bring ever to him some new surprise of loveliness; she should plan pleasures and delights for him. Instead of not caring how she looks—or whether she is agreeable or not when no one but her husband is present, she should always be at her best for him! Instead of being bright and lovely when there is company, then relapsing into languor and silence when the company is gone—she should seek always to be brightest and loveliest when only he and she sit together in the quiet of the home. Both husband and wife should ever bring their best things to each other!

Again let me say, that no wife can over-estimate the influence she wields over her husband, or the measure in which his character, his career and his very destiny are laid in her hands for shaping. The sway which she holds over him is the sway of love—but it is mighty and resistless. If she retains her power, if she holds her place as queen of his life—she can do with him as she will! Even unconsciously to herself, without any thought of her responsibility, she will exert over him an influence which will go far toward making or marring all his future! If she has no lofty conception of life herself—if she is vain and frivolous—she will only chill his ardor, weaken his resolution and draw him aside from any earnest endeavor. But if she has in her soul noble womanly qualities, if she has true thoughts of life, if she has purpose, strength of character and fidelity to principle—she will be to him an unfailing inspiration toward all that is noble, manly and Christlike! The high conceptions of life in her mind—will elevate his conceptions. Her firm, strong purpose—will put vigor and determination into every resolve and act of his. Her purity of soul—will cleanse and refine his spirit. Her warm interest in all his affairs and her wise counsel at every point—will make him strong for every duty and valiant in every struggle. Her careful domestic management, will become an important element of success in his business life. Her bright, orderly, happy home-making, will be a perpetual source of joy and peace, and an incentive to nobler living. Her unwavering fidelity, her tender affectionateness, her womanly sympathy, her beauty of soul—will make her to him God's angel indeed—sheltering, guarding, keeping, guiding and blessing him! Just in the measure in which she realizes this lofty ideal of wifehood—will she fulfill her mission and reap the rich harvest of her hopes.

Such is the "woman's lot" which falls on every wife. It is solemn enough to make her very thoughtful and very earnest. How can she make sure that her influence over her husband will be for good—that he will be a better man, more successful in his career and more happy, because she is his wife? Not by any mere moral posturing so as to seem to have lofty purpose and wise thoughts of life; not by any weak resolving to help him and be an uplifting inspiration to him; not by perpetual preaching and lecturing on a husband's duties and on manly character! She can do it only by being in the very depths of her soul, in every thought and impulse of her heart, and in every fiber of her nature—a true and noble woman. She will make him not like what she tells him he ought to be—but like what she herself is!

So it all comes back to a question of character. She can be a good wife only by being a good woman. And she can be a good woman in the true sense only by being a Christian woman. Nowhere but in Christ—can she find the wisdom and strength she needs, to meet the solemn responsibilities of wifehood. Only in Christ can she find that rich beauty of soul, that gemming of the character, which shall make her lovely in her husband's sight, when the bloom of youth is gone, when the brilliance has faded out of her eyes, and the roses have fled from her cheeks. Only Christ can teach her how to live so as to be blessed, and be a blessing in her married life!

Nothing in this world is sadder than to compare love's early dreams, what love meant to be, with the too frequent story of the after-life; what came of the dreams, what was the outcome of love's venture. Why so many sad disappointments? Why do so many bridal wreaths fall into dust? Is there no possibility of making these fair dreams come true, of keeping these flowers lovely and fragrant through all the years? Yes—but only in Christ! The young maiden goes smiling and singing to the marriage altar. Does she know that if she has not Christ with her—she is as a lamb going to the sacrifice? Let her tarry at the gateway until she has linked her life to Christ, who is the first and the last. Human love is very precious—but it is not enough to satisfy a heart. There will be trials, there will be perplexities, there will be crosses and disappointments, there will be solicitudes and sorrows. Then none but Christ will be sufficient! Without him, the way will be dreary. But with his benediction and presence—the flowers which droop today will bloom fresh again tomorrow! And the dreams of early love will build themselves up into a palace of peace and joy for the solace, the comfort and shelter of old age!

Life Of Regrets

Been 28 years and 2 months since I have stepped foot on this planet, Earth. I am suddenly reminded of some stuff I did throughout my life as a human, which I truly regret and seriously wished I hadn't done. Some of these events changed my life for the worst and some that were minor wrong decisions made to serve as a learning lesson:
1) I wished I wouldn't have been so spiteful towards Ivan.
2) I wished I hadn't been so gullible to associate love = sex.
3) I wished I hadn't lose my virginity at the age of 15 to the wrong guy.
4) I wished I had remain single from 14-17 years old, waiting for his return instead of fooling around and getting myself hurt in love for nothing.
5) I wished I hadn't choose SGH as my first working place. Their management of staff totally sucks.
6) I wished I hadn't mess up my life with a married man at the age of 20-22 years old.
7) I wished I hadn't been so honest about my fling with that married man. It should have been my kept secret.
8) I wished I would have just conceived after my ROM instead of waiting for the 'right' time.
9) I wished I hadn't taken up my advanced diploma, especially with a bond. Been gullible yet again to trust the wrong company thinking that after my further studies, I would be promoted as promised.
10) I wished I would have more guts to confront certain issues that is bugging me and improve my current misery...

ABCs 2 A Happy Marriage

A- Acceptance
B- Beauty
C- Care and Concern
D- Devotion
E- Edification
F- Friendship
G- Genuine
H- Honesty
I- Integrity
J- Joy
K- Kindle old good times
L- Love
M- Magnanimosity
N- Non-judgemental
O- Observant
P- Patience
Q- Quantify
R- Respect
S- Sensitive
T- Trust
U- United
V- Vibrant
W- Win-win situation
X- Xtra dose of everything nice
Y- Yielding
Z- Zest

Daze Of A Preceptor

Recently, I have been appointed to be a preceptor to a new Filipino staff, Babette. Many of my colleagues has already pre-warned her that Amelia is a strict and fierce preceptor, thus, she has to be prepared mentally to cry during her preceptor-ship.

Haha! Looks like I am 'famous' for my perfectionist attitude at work and my colleagues do know that I treat my work seriously and strictly with no nonsense, which I find it a good thing. At least I know I won't be given crappy work or half-past six work when I take-over from them.

So far, Babette, has been quite recessive to learning and I love her earnest attitude to learn new stuff. She is also picking up the ropes pretty fast and well. I have also gotten feedback from her that I ain't that bad as she was 'warned'. But she did say, she was a bit of afraid of me when she first met me due to the haunting comments made by my other colleagues. I did remind that I do expect a tip-top work from her once she has finished her preceptor-ship with me. She is now stressed but I have confidence in her that she would reach my standard by the time she 'graduates' from her preceptor-ship in 3 months.

As for the rest of my life, is as usual mundane and boring. Nothing new or fancy to brag about...

Life Full of Imbalances

Love + Married Life = GREAT! May it stay that way! Appreciative of the simple pleasures and gestures of his to make me feel loved + cared for by him.
Family Life = Neutral. Dad found himself a great job near home and seems happy at work. Happy for him!
Work Life = SUX BIG TIME (depressive and 'small people' around to harm me + de-fame me). Been quite unhappy at work due to frustrations faced by difficult clients or their family members. Don't feel the same sense of achievement that I used to have before when I was still in WDTC. I am now a preceptor to a Filipino newbie, Babette. I hope I would have the virtues of a good preceptor and be able to guide her to be as capable as me. I hope to be able to pass my knowledge to her patiently. God, kindly bless me with the patience and strength to be a good preceptor to her. So far, I think I have done pretty well in orientating her and guiding her.

Happy Birthday

Although you have perhaps forgotten my existence after so long. But I guess I would never be able to get you out of my mind and memories. Happy birthday!

I Ain't Perfect

Movies... Amidst Hubby's Reservist!

Watched these 2 shows recently... Watched Dylan Dog on 29 May and X-Men today... Although both shows wasn't up to my expectations and were boring + a waste of money to watch, I much prefer Dylan Dog...

Husband has been in reservist these 2 weeks and would re-unite with him this Friday. However, I managed to at least chat with him daily as he has been excused from out-field. :) So, I don't miss him as much as I thought I would... HEHE!

Long Over-dued Graduation

Actually graduated in June 2011 but graduation ceremony was held nearly a year later...

Back 2 Work Week

Was back to work after a 2 week long hiatus only to be 'hinted' that there are some politics around the ward and that I should watch my back...
It is also said that the 'backstabber' has blabbered to our manager that we have been posting work-related stuff on our Facebook, which violates the confidentiality nature of our work. Hence, some of those offenders has been 'counselled' and given stern warning with regards to that matter. Sadly, I was one of those people. Thus, I shall refrain myself from posting about work related frustrations on Facebook and shall just post vague comments even I want to ventilate my frustrations at work.

Damn't! I just hate politics and yet, I can't seem to escape from it. Politics loves me so much and yet I can't reciprocate it's love... How sad!

Family Drama Part 3 Waiting To Unfold

My brother in law has brought back that female 'colleague' (as he claims) back again. This time, they spent 2 hours sleeping in the room in darkness, while my mother in law and me were in the living room watching TV. We just shook our heads, knowing that drama is about to unfold soon, predicting the same relationship failure that would proceed.

Really don't understand why my brother in law can't just bring home, a proper and decent woman? Every woman he chooses is from bad to worst. First he married a psychiatric & depressive woman, then, he married a PRC woman, whose main motive was to get a PR-ship status & lead a tai-tai lifestyle, now, he brings home another woman, who seems like a Malaysian and doesn't seem to know how to portray decency.

This time, the speculations is that this woman wants a PR-ship status and have a roof under her head, without forking out a single cent. Firstly, my brother in law is turning 35 this year and he has made plans to buy a second hand flat from HDB and live on his own. However, as he is a MCP, he needs a woman to tend to the household chores of the house, cook his meals, do his laundry and take care of his needs to play mahjong whenever and however late he wants. So what a better than to get a woman who would provide free of charge service for him. All he needs to get grant this woman whatever she asks for and she would do according to his biddings. Anyway, to him, he has nothing to lose, as long as he doesn't give that woman ownership of the house. Perhaps, he doesn't even have the intention to marry this woman, all he wants to make use the woman like a 2nd mother to attend to his basic needs of food, clean laundry and tidied house.

Anyway, I have brought this matter up for discussion with my husband and we have concluded that:
1. None of us are in the position to advise or enlighten the foolish brother of potential relationship failure again for choosing this woman. In past, his mum and relatives did warn him about marrying the PRC woman, but he choose to defend her aggressively saying that everyone was biased against his future wife and still chose to marry her amidst all disapproval.
2. Neither of us are in the position to 'approve' or 'disapprove' this relationship when the mother is mum herself and chooses to be oblivious of her own son's mistake.
3. As long as that new woman doesn't get us involve or affect us in anyway, we should not bother about them and leave them be.
4. If it comes to one day, this woman decides to move in and stay with this family in Sengkang, I have the choice to move back to my parents' place until our new house in Punggol is ready for moving in.
5. The brother's matter is none if our business and concern. Hence, if he chooses to make the same mistake of marrying a woman with ulterior motives, that is his own life and path that he chooses on his own free-will.



CASE CLOSED WHILE WE JUST PLAY BY EAR AND SEE WHAT OR HOW THE NEXT DRAMA WOULD UNFOLD + END...

Happy 28th Birthday 2 Me

- Spent the morning attending to the last rites, funeral and cremation of my husband's granny.
- Had lunch with the family after the cremation
- Headed home for a rest
- Had dinner with my husband at Brewer's Baker


*exhausted*

HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY TO CW ON 13/05/2011!!!!

Cursed

Today marks being for 5 years and knowing one another for 11 years. Not only has he forgotten this date but he choose to curse me 3 things on this very day.
1) he cursed me to die of sickness
2) he cursed me that I would have bad luck following me
3) he cursed me that I am clouded with bad luck now

Thank you very much for his curses as an anniversary present instead of something pleasant.

A Letter 2 Him

Dear 'Him',
It's me. Even as I type this blog post, you know deep down inside me I still love you and would continue to worship you. However, my faith in you has made me more angry and frustrated. I have been talking to you every day or night since that fateful day, but you have never shown me any much form of acknowledgement for my one-sided conversation with you. These few nights, I have been trying harder to speak you but I have yet to see results.
Why do you bless others and not me? Why do allow your other children to have happy marriages, fulfill their dreams of parenthood and bless them with a good, loving husband? Why have you not shown me any of your blessings? Why have you made me suffer so much for the past 4 years? Since 2007, you have put me on a roller coaster ride, playing with my emotions and toying with my love for him, yet I faithfully prayed for some form of miracle for us and my marriage. As years go by, I see some improvement, however, of late, things has been spiraling downwards again. We are arguing more again, I am starting to feel his love waiver for me again, I am feeling upset and miserable yet again. As I see other friends, colleagues and family members being happily married and some even moving on to parenthood, I begin to ask myself why have you forsaken me? Have I not been faithful enough to you? Am I not your beloved child too? Why do you plan such a difficult road for me these few years and how long more do you want me to be in this envious yet miserable state? Why do you answer the prayers of others and not mine? They say we should believe in miracles that you would create for us, I have not seen any of your miracles on me nor my marriage! I am frustrated and yet upset that you have neglected and forsaken me... Why? Why do you do that to me?
Nearly everyday, I have to put up a brave front to others that I am truly happy in my marriage and only a few close friends of mine actually knows my pain. People ask me why I have to conceive or do I intended to be a mum, I can only smile and lie to them that I ain't ready or that I don't like kids... You know the truth why I can't be a mum and can't conceive?
What have you done my ex-loving and gentle husband who doted on me so much that I entrusted my happiness to him since 2006, only to have my happiness short-lived? Why do you do this to me? Why do you want to frustrate me! Am I not worthy of your salvation? Do you not want me to continue serving you? Do you want to infuriate me so much that I hate you and would stop worshipping you? Others have sang praises of you and sadly, I don't have any good testament about you to share with them...
I am sincerely quite and pretty much sick as well as tired of this journey... If I ever see you after my death, I would kneel at your feet and brawl, telling you that you have forsaken me and played with my devotion to love him forever...

Till I see you... Good bye.


From: Just Me

I Voted Have You?

Today marks polling day: a day whereby Singaporean re-elect which political party to best represent them between the PAP or Opposition party? Seems like going to be a tough fight with poor attendance at PAP rallies and over-crowding at Opposition Party rallies. YouTube has also many anti-PAP videos uploaded to stir the minds of voters. Brain-washing perhaps.

Anyway, I have made my decision and hopefully it wouldn't fail me. Hope that the next elected party, be it PAP or Opposition would not fail the rest of Singapore. Hope that Singapore citizens need not suffer or live in regret for the next 5 years until the next elections...

I have made my choice, have you?

Mixed Emo-ness

Ever woke up to feeling a mixture of overwhelming emotions? Woke up feeling pissed, angry, frustrated, upset, irritated and depressed with your own pathetic life? Woke up just wanting to ventilate all these emotions? Woke up with all these mixed emotions but not sure where and why you are experiencing them?

This is how I felt today after waking up. Feeling a sense of surging anger and frustration, mixed with sadness and depressive thoughts on how pathetic my life is, feeling irritated with life itself and with my husband who had not created any mistakes. Why am I feeling this way? I do not know. All I know is that I need to ventilate it out. So I did, now my husband and I are having cold war. Pride has prevented me to admitting the way I feel and telling him that I woke up with such overwhelming mixture of emotions.

Just so pissed with everything around me! Just so angry that my husband can't be understanding enough to just give in to me! Just so irritated that he doesn't even bother about how I feel! Just so upset with my life!

Living My Life Under Scrutiny Of Other

I feel so restricted... First, I much want to vote for the opposition party for the up-coming elections only to be told that as a government worker (civil servant) it is unwise to vote for opposition. It is said that although votes are anonymous but behind scene it may not be so and thus, if a civil servant votes for the opposition party instead of PAP, his/her future promotions would be indirectly affected. Crap!

Secondly, due to some mistake of a doctor and junior nurse, my patient had to suffer much pain before her death. When I posted comments on my Facebook, ther response I got from my Assistant Director of Nursing and Nursing Manager was to remove the post immediately and that the both of them wanted to speak to me on Tuesday regarding this post! Crap! No freedom of speech! Restricted to post stuff on MY OWN Facebook page even!

Thirdly, as I was doing my night duty tonight, I slept at 4am the very morning and woke up for breakfast with my husband at 7.30am, went back to sleep at 9am. By 7pm, I was hearing my mother in law gossiping that I am lazy, sleeping the whole day without waking up to pee, eat or even drink water. She even commented that the way I sleep is worst than being on sleeping pills. She also said I was wierd, sleeping so much that I neglected my lunch. Unknown to her is that I didn't sleep the night before and need to sleep in the whole day in preparation for my night duty. I mean, what's her problem? I need sleep and should be given the freedom to sleep in as late as I want and wake up in the evening for work, right? I don't have the luxury like others to be entitled to long weekends, work from 8-6pm daily, 5 days work week and routine lifestyle. I am sorry, I don't have such beautiful life anymore. I work on distruptive shift duties and at times don't get to sleep at night like others do. Now, I am being resticted to sleep and purposely wake up to pee, eat or drink water just because you want me to? No way! Crap!

I just hate being resticted with my lifestyle and even down to whatever I put in my Facebook status has to be 'approved'... Let's see what lecture I would get from my Assistant Director of Nursing and my Nursing Manager on Tuesday... CRAP to the MAX!

Stressed/Burn Out

Been having difficulties at work lately... Maybe I am getting a bit burned-out resulting in my temper has been really short-fused, getting a cranky easily and kind of dragging my feet to work. I feel very dis-respected and unappreciated at work as well as being 'drained' or 'squeezed' dry by my manager.
Problems faced at work include:
1) I have been working back to back weekend night duty for 3 consecutive weeks, giving myself only 1 pathetic day of rest per week. This 1 day of rest is for me to do my house-hold chores, meet up with friends and to meet my parents.
PS: I have to do frequent nights as I have few colleagues are excused from night duty due to family commitments, health reasons and those pregnant staff are automatically exempted from night duty.
2) My manager has placed me, without my consent, in some PIP (Practice Improvement Project). She just nominated my name into this project and plainly told me to take up this 'challenge' as the project leader needed a nursing staff in his project in preventing blood transfusion wastage.
3) My manager knows I can't handle morning duties as I would get 'anxiety' attacks the night before, hence rendering me unable to sleep, affecting my health and performances at work. However, she still places me few morning duties, while my other colleagues, who has excuse not to do night shift/duty gets their wishes. Do I really did to see a doctor to diagnose myself as 'anxiety disorder' just so that I am excused from morning duty?
4) My manager keeps reminding me that I am the 'Senior' of the ward based on experience and qualifications and wishes me to uphold the 'Senior' attitude when dealing with my less experienced or newer staff. Yet, when I do correct their mistakes outwardly to attempt to 'discipline' them for poor attitude at work, I am being held back by her and the staff 'escapes' the disciplinary actions or 'scolding' from me. This has led my newer or less experienced staff to walk away scot-free and they tend to lose their respect for me. I am pissed! You expect me to maintain standards as a 'Senior', yet I can't discipline when errors are being made.
5) The above event has led to me being 'disrespected' and 'ignored' at work. I even had less experienced staff telling me, "You are not even an SSN, so don't even tell me what to do, 'cause we are same rank!"
6) These few weeks, patient load has been high and the turnover rates for admissions and discharges have been high. The ward work-flow is like mad these days and everyone at work is also facing burn-out or stressed related health issues. Junior staff has been throwing MCs when they are tired out and my manager expects 'Seniors' like me and my other capable colleagues to work like mad. Then, when we suffer burn-out and fall sick, we are counselled for our high MC rates.
7) For the past 9 months, I have been voicing out my unhappiness to work shift and have requested to revert back to my office hours duties to my manager. Her reply always comes as 'No Vacancies' or 'The ward needs people like you'. However, she is sending other staffs who doesn't enjoy working office hours to temporarily fill in vacancies at my previous office hour position on a 3 months rotation. I really don't see why she can't let go of me and allow me to willing fill up this office hour position instead?

Due to all the poor management and high stressed levels, many capable staff are also thinking of resigning... Perhaps, it is time for me to move on too after July 2012, when my bond ends...

RUDENESS 2 THE MAX NEWBIE

Example 1
Me: XJ, could you please come over and help Narin with the transfer of patient for scan now?
XJ: (turns out & walks off, ignoring)
Me: XJ! Narin needs your help right now.
XJ: (turns back and shouted back at me) WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?! I AM VERY BUSY NOW! (walks away again...)

Example 2
Me: XJ, you did this procedure the wrong way.
XJ: What do you mean?
Me: This thing should be done using xxx method and in xxx way. The way you did it is wrong, not aseptic. Will cause infection to the patient.
XJ: WHY ARE YOU ALL ALWAYS PICKING ON ME?!
Me: I am not picking on you. I am trying to teach you the right to do things around. You are new to the ward and to S'pore practice, so people have to correct you when you do things not right. You have to learn from your mistakes.
XJ: YOU ALL ARE ALWAYS FINDING FAULT WITH ME! NO MATTER WHAT I DO, YOU ALL MUST ALWAYS HAVE A SAY IN IT! (stomps away...)

Example 3
While handing over of report...
Me: Who re-cannulated the patient? What happened to the old cannula?
XJ: (Blank stare)
Me: Do you know who re-cannulated the patient and what happened to the old cannula?
XJ: I don't care...

Example 4
XJ splashes water on floor on purpose in bid to 'flick' water out of the cup...
Me: You know you shouldn't do that? The ward is filled with patients. By splashing the water on the floor, you create a hazard for a fall to happen. What if a patient falls? Moreover, in the ward we also have pregnant staff, can you imagine what would happen if they fall?
XJ: Never mind, it doesn't matter... (walks off)

Example 5
XJ created a medication error, she administers a high dosage of insulin when a patient is due for operation and is kept fasting from 12 midnight the night before, therefore causing a dangerous dip in the patient's blood sugar level, requiring immediate medical intervention...
Me: XJ, I think you owe KW an apology for the mistake u have made.
XJ: I don't understand why I have to apologize to her?
Me: Well, she was supposed to 'take care' of you this morning and due to both your negligence, you created an error by giving the insulin. Now, she was the one who counter-signs your administration of insulin, so in the eyes of the law, you both have committed an error and if need be, both of you are punishable by law. So, you have indirectly dragged her into your mistake. Understand? Anyway, she is very upset about this matter and is crying in the pantry. Perhaps, you would like to apologize and comfort her later?
XJ: Why should I? If she is such a crybaby and enjoys crying at such a small matter, it is still of no use if I apologize to her?!
Me: Ok, fine. If you don't feel obligated to apologize to her. I would prefer to you to at least do proper documentation of the incident in the patient's casefile. This would ensure staff on the preceding to take special note of her blood sugar level. As you written English is not very good, I would suggest to write down what you are intending to write in the casefile on a piece of paper as a draft and let KW vet through it before you pen it down into the casefile.
XJ: (blank stare)
Me: Do you understand what I say?
XJ: OF COURSE! I AM NOT AS IRRESPONSIBLE AS WHAT YOU THINK! (continues to do her things...)

Happy Birthday To My Baku

He turns 32 this year... 'Old' man already! Haha! 10th time celebrating his birthday.

He already his birthday present 2 weeks back. I have bought him a mountain bike (bicycle not motorbike) which cost $250. Tonight's celebration would be a nice dinner at Jack's Place and perhaps catching a movie thereafter.

Happy birthday to him...

Random 'Before I Sleep' Thoughts

As I lay in bed next to the man whom I had entrusted my next decades of happiness in, I begin to think of the good old times, reminiscing the first day we chatted on MIRC, talked on the phone, met for dinner, held hands, kissed, all the way to where we are today. This road of relationship wasn't smooth. It was full of highs and downs, ranging from parental objections to almost ending it all due to exasperation. But I am glad that we managed to 'conquer' all the obstacles that almost destroyed us.

Not many people knows exactly we went through. Only we, ourselves, know every obstacles that stood in our way and how hard we fought to keep this relationship going till what it is today. Although those flames of romance has sort of been extinguished over the time, we still have our own ways to show that we still care and love for each other.

Next month, we walk into 11 years since we been a couple... It may sound short to some and long to some. But to me, these 11 years wasn't a walk in the park. I had suffered a lot. I cried a lot. I almost wanted to give up and to walk away. I've been through lots of pain. I have been jeered at for loving him. I was mocked at for choosing him instead of other guys. He too, have been mocked and jeered at for being with me by his own friends. Yet, today, we still stand firm on our own mutual belief in each other that we are meant for one another.

If I had a choice to choose once more. I would still choose him and still want to walk down the same path we did years ago. Of course, I would change and prevented a mistake for and paid dearly for. I won't make that silly mistake that affected my relationship with him. I would not allow myself to fall into that pit-hole again.

Above all, I still love him to bits and may time prove to me that all my love invested would be worth effort. May death do us apart. Amen.

Marriage 2 Me

I would not leave you in times of trouble.
We never could have come this far.
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times.
I take you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew.
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you. Thats forever.
This I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better.
I love you just the way you are.

Love you, Accept you for who are.
Love you, Accept your flaws.
Love you, Accept your 'disability'.
Love you, Accept my own fate with you.


PS: Still praying for the miracle... :)

Fragility Of Life

3,676 confirmed dead, 7,558 unaccounted for in Japan quake tragedy

God bless the souls of those dead and give those who have lost their loved ones in the Japan earthquake and Tsunami, the strength to rebuild their own lives and move on...

Woes Of Having A Future House

Princess Jo finally have gotten her new house in Fernvale. So after my night duty, I went down on Monday after my night duty to 'kapo' around and see how she deals with renovation of an empty house. Man! Totally freaked out at the size of the house and the master-bed room... Small! Her ceiling was also low. The kitchen was small too. I guess my future house would also be like that. I have to start thinking how to cope in smaller space as I am used to houses with more than 100 meter square and my future house would be a pathetic 93 meter square only...

She told me that she had already busted her pockets for the renovations and it started to worry me. I wonder how much I should be saving for my own house renovation cost, plus all the furniture to buy. Wow! It would be like spending for a second wedding except this time no way to recover cost. No one would give you red packet for house warming. Anyway, I doubt I would have any 'grand' house-warming as my husband and I are pretty much anti-social people who doesn't much close friends. Thus, perhaps when the day comes, I would just invite my few close friends and family members for a small party.

The most important point of all, I must start saving for my future house in order to furnish it nicely, buy all the necessary furniture and electrical appliances and ensure that the home would be place where my husband and I would be happy to come back after a tiring day at work.

I am so looking forward to everything but yet 'heartache' to see all the money fly away during the renovations and buying of furniture, etc...

Waiting For The Day Of Miracle 2 Happen

But only love can say, try again or walk away.
But I believe for you and me, the sun will shine one day.
So I'll just play my part and pray you'll have a change of heart.
But I can't make you see it through, that's something only love can do.

I know if I could find the words to touch you deep inside, you would give our dream just one more chance...

Personality Test I Took

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||| 31% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 75% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||| 45% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 67% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 51% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 37% Your main type is 3 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Fast Moving

My brother in law brought a female home tonight! So exciting and I am happy for him. Happy that he has moved on...

Although he claimes that this female is just a colleague of his, but, you don't invite colleagues into your room and share childhood photo album of your brother and you. Moreover, you don't start giggling and laughing with the girl over the childhood pictures....

Anyway, this girl looks like in her early 30s and the way she dresses 'feels' like a malaysian. Didn't get to talk to her but only glanced at her a few times, while she was sitting in my bro-in law's room, on his bed flipping the album with him by her side.

Hopefully, it works out and it is nice to see him find himself another girlfriend to start a new relationship. Whether the 'ba zi' of the female and me does collide or not will be known... Until I get to know her better and when she visits more often in future, den we shall see...

:P