A Letter 2 Him

Dear 'Him',
It's me. Even as I type this blog post, you know deep down inside me I still love you and would continue to worship you. However, my faith in you has made me more angry and frustrated. I have been talking to you every day or night since that fateful day, but you have never shown me any much form of acknowledgement for my one-sided conversation with you. These few nights, I have been trying harder to speak you but I have yet to see results.
Why do you bless others and not me? Why do allow your other children to have happy marriages, fulfill their dreams of parenthood and bless them with a good, loving husband? Why have you not shown me any of your blessings? Why have you made me suffer so much for the past 4 years? Since 2007, you have put me on a roller coaster ride, playing with my emotions and toying with my love for him, yet I faithfully prayed for some form of miracle for us and my marriage. As years go by, I see some improvement, however, of late, things has been spiraling downwards again. We are arguing more again, I am starting to feel his love waiver for me again, I am feeling upset and miserable yet again. As I see other friends, colleagues and family members being happily married and some even moving on to parenthood, I begin to ask myself why have you forsaken me? Have I not been faithful enough to you? Am I not your beloved child too? Why do you plan such a difficult road for me these few years and how long more do you want me to be in this envious yet miserable state? Why do you answer the prayers of others and not mine? They say we should believe in miracles that you would create for us, I have not seen any of your miracles on me nor my marriage! I am frustrated and yet upset that you have neglected and forsaken me... Why? Why do you do that to me?
Nearly everyday, I have to put up a brave front to others that I am truly happy in my marriage and only a few close friends of mine actually knows my pain. People ask me why I have to conceive or do I intended to be a mum, I can only smile and lie to them that I ain't ready or that I don't like kids... You know the truth why I can't be a mum and can't conceive?
What have you done my ex-loving and gentle husband who doted on me so much that I entrusted my happiness to him since 2006, only to have my happiness short-lived? Why do you do this to me? Why do you want to frustrate me! Am I not worthy of your salvation? Do you not want me to continue serving you? Do you want to infuriate me so much that I hate you and would stop worshipping you? Others have sang praises of you and sadly, I don't have any good testament about you to share with them...
I am sincerely quite and pretty much sick as well as tired of this journey... If I ever see you after my death, I would kneel at your feet and brawl, telling you that you have forsaken me and played with my devotion to love him forever...

Till I see you... Good bye.


From: Just Me