31 Dec 2010 <--- Last Post 4 The Year 2010

So the day has came... Time to make my resolutions and state my wish for 2011!

Resolution/Wish:
1) I want to be promoted for SSN as I feel I am fully qualified with the relevant certification and experience.
2) Earn more $$$ and save more $$$ for my love-nest in 2012.
3) Want to a more fulfilling & deeper marriage life and family life.
4) Learn to be more patient towards people who irritated me in 2010.
5) God to bless those precious people around me & myself with great health and over-flowing happiness, let no one dear to me shed a single tear of pain, anger or sorrow...

HAPPY 2011 TO THOSE OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY MY BLOG READERS CW, VANESSA, PRINCESS JO AND FIONA! :P

Review Of 2010 Resolutions

4 days to end of 2010. 5 days to start of a brand new 2011. Time for me to see if I have met my resolutions and hopes for 2010:

1) Get through my Advanced Diploma in Oncology Nursing and graduate --> DONE!
2) Have a happy and fulfilling marriage --> still the same of arguements throughout the year, not as happy and fulfilling as I wanted it to be. However, still can be considered DONE, at least I management to maintain it so far.
3) Improve my health and gear up for 3 rotating shift after my studies--> DONE!

Time to think of new 2011 resolutions... Will think about them and update by 31 Dec 2010... Stay tuned!

Elva Xiao Ya Xuan - Cuo De Ren

Back From Tanjung Pinang

Experience: **** (Nice experience with the wonders of simplicity of life)
Hotel: * (Horrible place with lots of cockroaches but service is very good)
Food: *** (Only limited seafood choices. Fresh but small with less meat as compared to seafood in Singapore)
Tour guide: ****
Spa + Massage: ****
Overall: *** (Nice place to visit but I doubt I would go there again)

Living With A 2-Headed Snake

Guess I am not different from any typical woman living with her in laws... MIL FROM HELL NIGHTMARE!

How can a person gossip about her DIL and yet say she had no ill-intentions?
How can a person tell her son that his wife ain't doing a good job washing the laundry and yet says she had no idea that it would lead to unhappiness between the couple?
How can a person says she desires for peace in the household yet instigate an argument with her son and his wife?

So contradicting... Best of all, she 'dramatically' attempts to end the argument between her son and the daughter in law by slapping herself twice, blaming herself for being 'big-mouthed' and even saying she would jump off the building if the argument continues cause of the guilt she feels! Crap.

What a MIL I have... Acting like an angel yet behaviour like a devil. Vocally saying she wants a happy and peaceful marriage between my husband and me yet instigating us to argue and picking on my difference in handling household chores from hers. One moment saying she knows that being picky would cause unhappiness, next moment says she shouldn't have voiced out her 'care' for the way I do the laundry.

Come to think of it, most of the argument between my husband and me are mostly due to her interference when we discuss matters or due her behaviour or instigated by her 'mistakes' of being too nosey.

Hopefully I can bear with all these craps until we get our own house in 2013... 3 years more... Faster! Hopefully, by then I haven't run out on patience to maintain this marriage and file for a divorce. Hopefully, by then life would be more peacefully and stable. Most of all, hopefully she doesn't voice out that she would like to move in with us!

Actually, I don't blame my husband for being unable to handle his mum and her mouth well. He is just too straight forward in character and always too truthful in telling me what his mum feels about the way I do stuff. He just can't tell his mum off due to his filial piety character.

Argh! 3 years more of tolerance of her crappy behaviour and contradicting behaviour...

Crystal Shawanda - You Can Let Go

A song that never fails to make me cry and miss my dad...
I guess I will always be a 'Daddy's girl' no matter how old I may be...

It's December Already???

Wow! It is come to the last month of the year and it is December. So fast.
2010 is ending soon and I am guess I have not achieved what I have aimed. I would review my resolutions for 2010 and start my resolution for 2011.

Come to think of it, I am less happier in 2010 as compared to in 2009. My wish for 2010 has not come true yet... The miracle I have been wishing for has yet to reach me.

New Toy

My old one decided to grow old and slow down on me... So I bought something I always wanted to get since 2 years back...
Ok, one BIG hole in my pocket now...

Re-assured

Had a good talk with my dad and I feel much better there after. Used to fear the possibility of divorce mainly in regards to family's pride, parents' face and how they would 'answer' to relatives or friends that their only daughter ends up being a divorcee.
Conversation goes...
Dad: Mummy says regardless if you were wrong or right, we will support you if you get a divorce
Me: Then would it be tarnishing our family's reputation?
Dad: No, we already know where the problem lies. This man obviously cannot forgive you for your past and blames you for it.
Me: How about Ah Ma side? How you all going to explain?
Dad: What is there to explain? They don't know what is going on and what you are going through.
Me: Would relatives or friends gossip or laugh at the loss of family's face?
Dad: Who dare? If I hear about it, I would shout at them and scold them!
Me: Ok.
Dad: In the meantime, just be yourself and if this man wants to play punk, come back to Azalea, your room would always be yours...
Me: Orh.
Dad: Don't need to do anything for him if you are uncomfortable with. Just be humble and don't allow him to find further faults with you. Let me know if you meet with any troubles from him again.
Me: *speechless and near to tears* Ok.

So far, he has returned back to his caring self, after failing to get my parents to side him when he called them to 'complain' and he had caused his own ego to be bruised after my dad rebuked him gently to remind him that what past is past and no use harping on it since improvement has been made.
Now, although I am glad he has returned to his own self before the argument but I am even more glad that I exploded and poured out my woes to my parents gaining their support no matter. At least, they know that if this marriage fails, I am not entirely to be blamed and that the main faults lies in his stubbornness to forgive and forget.
Although I hope the marriage to last and improve, I guess I would be more confident to walk out of it with my own parents' support and understanding. Looks like I will always be a 'Daddy's girl' after-all... No matter how I try to run from their shield, it is always there when I need it the most!

翻旧帐

又提那些过去的事件来侮辱我
又拿往事来威胁我
又把离婚挂在口边
又说出难听的话来令我伤心，难过

说全怪我
说全是我的错
说你自己很委屈
说你自己面对我很无奈

那我呢？

难到我没牺牲过吗
难道我没附出过吗
难道我没委屈过吗
难道我没容忍过吗

那你呢？

难道你没错吗
难道你在这婚姻没开心过吗
难道你舍得放弃这段感情吗
难道我在你心中是这样差的一个人吗？

我好想回到过去

那我就不会嫁给你
那我就不会和你在一起
那我就不会对你付出真感情
那我也不会越陷越深

我真的好想说算了
好想放弃
好想放下一切
好想当一切是个恶梦，说自己没爱过你

说的到容易！

Sweet Gift From Him 2 Me

He was supposed to buy dinner for me and dinner came with something extra... :) A simple cup with lots of thought + love in it...

Sweet! :)

Paid For My Mistakes Dearly

At times, I do wonder if I hadn't made that silly, stupid mistake, would I be happier now?
I wonder if I hadn't commit that error of playfulness, would my life would so badly affected?
I wonder if I hadn't made that particular mistake, would he have used it against me rendering me speechless and hurt.
I miss the old you and sometimes hate the new you. But it is something I must accept indefinetely 'cause I made a mistake that changed everything...


"I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now"

The Child's Eye

Rating: 3/5
Lame show, with a horrible ending.

Boring Life

Life nowadays = boring = mundane

Freddy Is Back

Finally caught 'Nightmare On Elm Street' on DVD. Watched with hubby. Won't say it was a fantastic show but I would dare say I satisfied my curiousity of who Freddy was and how come he is so disfigured as well as what was with the bladed fingers... Don't like the ending of the show though.
Now can't wait to watch 'Child's Eye' soon, either in the movies or on DVD...

PCOS Haunts Me

Went to see my gynae for routine Pap Smear, Blood Tests and Ultrasound. Have missed these check-up for the past 2 years due to busy with stuff and lazy to make appointments.
Anyways, the good news is that my blood tests and Pap Smears are normal. HOWEVER, my ultrasound report is not so good, it shows that I have more than 12 cyst in my right ovary, which means my PCOS has not improved and has gotten worst. No wonder I missed my period for 4mths! That also explains the constant nagging pain I have been experiencing on & off... :( How I wish I could be like any normal females free from this PCOS thing. I won't mind having regular menses and lead a normal life using pads + tampons monthly...
Told my hubby and his only reply was 'What to do? It ain't your fault'. Not sure I am supposed to be relieved by this reply or should I be upset by such unfeeling reply from him?
Maybe I am just not blessed to concieve and lead a normal life like a female should...

What If??? Could It Be???

Few questions lingering on my mind nowadays:
1) My granny has just celebrated her 83th birthday and I start to painfully wonder how I would cope if I hear the news of her death one day.
2) Been having weird dreams of my own death (like the way I would die) recently and even dreaming that I was in heaven after death.
3) Missed my period for nearly 4mths now, my PCOS is acting up again... Risk of endometrial cancer for me. (Will have my check-up in 2 weeks time with my gynae...)
4) Hubby has been acting weirdly (in good and bad ways) towards me and I am more suspicious that he maybe having an affair out there... If there really is infidelity present, how am I supposed to cope or how would/should I respond? I just hope it is just me and my over-sensitive character acting up again.
5) Been told that I may not need 2 years to be promoted and may be promoted sooner depending on my ADN's approval.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival To All

Betrayal...

Where do broken hearts go?
When they don't have a song to sing or have a prayer.
When your heart is bare.
Where do broken hearts go?
When your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on.
When your body goes numb and you can no longer care.
Where do broken hearts go?
To shun themselves away from the rest of the world.
When they're all alone and can't stand to go on.
To be at one with themselves.
And think...think...think...think.
Thinking why?
Why would this person want to deliberately hurt me?
Was it something I did?
Something I said?
How could they do this to me?
Then the depression turns to RAGE.
You feel betrayed.
You want revenge.
But what is the use of revenge? Would it cure the broken heart?
Would it make you truly happier?

WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO?

Lack Of Job Satisfaction

When I newly graduated from my Advance Diploma, I was 'on fire' to start work and fulfill my purpose to serve and care for Oncology patients...

However, now after nearly 3 months of ward life, shift work and dealing with patients who needs palliative and best supportive treatment to maintain the last days of their life, I am starting to lose the 'fire' and passion yet again. I feel that I am starting to lose that passion I had like when I was in SGH, which made me resign in 24hrs after working in that mundane ward setting for 3 years.

I am not sure why I lost the passion so soon, barely 3 months in the ward... I am not sure if I am sick of the rotating shift or am I am just sick of ward work life or perhaps I am getting the fulfillment I wanted from Oncology Nursing? It may also be due to the fact I feel inferior as compared to the other staff who had been in the ward for the past few years prior to going for their Advance Diploma, so blending back into the ward is much easier for them as compared to me. Sure, I got a few awards and some sort of recognition for certain jobs well done. But that has slowly decreased and I am making more silly errors while on the job rendering me to doubt my own capabilities as a ward staff. As I compare, I seemed to be more suited for outpatient setting and my performance seems to excel to my full potential when I was working office hours as a Chemotherapy nurse.

Then, you may ask why did I choose to go back to ward setting? Well, I thought I would give ward life a second chance and anyway, I couldn't resist the possibility of furthering my education and attaining another certificate to ease my way up to be a SSN. Thus, now I am tied down 2 years to ward setting and feeling so upset as well as unsure if my decision is right...

I doubt speaking to my supervisor would also do me any good 'cause she would tell me that going back to outpatient setting is not possible as the positions are filled. She would also tell me that when I signed the 2 years bond to fulfill my further education, I was also informed of being posted to ward setting after my studies and I had also agreed to their terms and condition. So whatever I say or voice out would be futile now...

....

Mundane work life.
Mundane family life.
Mundane love life.
Mundane married life.
Enough said.

Progression

Went down to my future love nest to snap some pix and to see if there is any progression...

Singapore Flyer With Daddy

In celebration of Nurses' Day, the Singapore Flyer was having a one for one free admission. Thus, I went with Dad to have a virgin trip on board the Flyer... Nice! But after a while the scenery gets a bit boring. Anyway, we sat on the Flyer from a nice weather until it began heavy downpour. Not bad an experience...

Haiz...

不喜歡懷疑什麼, 並不表示我沒有感受.
看你微妙的變化, 慢慢不同, 我不是生氣, 只是心痛.
我從來都不說不, 不是因為我願意, 是因為我愛你.
我從來都不生氣, 不是因為我沒有脾氣, 是因為我愛你.
但是哭過就好了, 因为不是我的, 永远不回属于我的.

你要的是她的幸福.而我只是你生命必須走過的一段路.我很清楚...

Promises made are meant to be broken.
So what for make promises and vows???
All useless when they are all broken and I am made to pick up the broken pieces all by myself...

I thought things would improve once married but they all remained the same or worsened... Haiz...

Sometimes we just don't appreciate those people who really care for us until they leave us. Until we lose them, then we would regret...

What It Means To Be A Nurse

Being a nurse means...
You will never be bored.
You will always be frustrated.
You will carry immense responsibility and very little authority.
You will step into people’s lives and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you.
Some will curse you.
You will see people at their worst and at their best.
You will never cease to be amazed at people’s capacity for love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs and devastating failures.
You will cry a lot.
You will laugh a lot.
You will know what it is to be human and to be humane
Nursing is a career measured in moments



By: Melodie Chenevert

Happy Nurse's Day 2010

Finally Another 'Toilet Paper'!

Un-suited For Ward Life

Been back to work for nearly about 2 months now and I am still mal-adaptive to ward life. It is not the shift work that I am not adjusting. It more of the work. I am still forgetting stuff like what needs to be done prior to certain procedures and what I can't am not supposed to do as a nurse as well as what I am supposed to do at different times. I forgot about flushing central venous lines, taking consents prior to blood transfusions, giving of insulin injections or even certain protocols. Then, I am doing stuff that is meant for doctors to be done.

I am beginning to wonder I am supposed to cope for the next 2years. I can't ask for transfer back to outpatient setting, where I am more familar now as I have signed a contract to work as inpatient post my advanced diploma. *Sigh*

I am really not sure what I have gotten myself into :(
Anyway, on a positive note, I am collecting my advanced diploma certification on Monday. That means I have another 'toilet-paper' to my added to my future resume or CV...

Kids...

Scene 1-----
Mom: Did you know that you are very selfish?
Kid: Why?
Mom: 'Cause you don't share your toys with 'mei-mei' (sister).
Kid: Then, mummy, you are also selfish.
Mom: Why you say that?
Kid: 'Cause when daddy looks at other women, you also scold him.


Scene 2-----
Mom (scolding): You really make me lose face, so old already still don't know how to queue up for food at the tuckshop. Your teacher has to complain to me! So disgraceful.
Kid: But...
Mom: But what?! You want to drive me to your grave with your excuses is it?
Kid: If I do that, can I stop queueing up for things?
Mom: ...


Scene 3-----
Dad: Stop running around! Later you fall into the crocodile enclosures and get eaten!
Kid: No, I won't be eaten...
Dad: Yes, you will be.
Kid (pointing to the board): Feeding time has just finished. So the crocodiles are not hungry anymore.


Scene 4-----
Me: Wei Xin, stop rocking about in your chair and sit properly before you fall down and hurt yourself.
Wei Shi (his younger sister): Gor gor, you better stop it later your head hit the ground and split open.
Me: ...


Scene 5-----
Wei Shi: Jie jie, I want to sit with you and hold your hand where-ever we go, ok?
Me: Ok. Good girl.
Wei Shi: I am not being good girl. I just do so 'cause I like you.
Me: ... (ew...so sweet...)




* wonder if it is all the new milk powders added with DHA, Immunoforte and stuff that makes them so much cleverer than us when we were at their age*

Silent Lover

He is not romantic but he does care.
He does not use words but action to show he does love me afterall.
He ain't one who uses gifts to show his affection but practical gestures to show his concern for me.
He isn't the kind who lets emotions show outwardly but through his sacrifices I could see how much I mean to him.
He often denies my importance to him but deep down I know he can't live without me.
He doesn't say it but I can see he is fearful of losing me.
Sometimes practical actions and gesture means more than honeyed & sugared words.

患难见真情...
Thank you. :) 我也好爱你，更不想失去你...

Officially Oncology Trained Nurse

Got my grades and exams results. Although it wasn't as good as I had expected it to be but I guess I should be satisfied. Got 6 'B's, a 'C' and 2 'D's. I am glad that at least managed to graduate and would proudly claim myself to be an oncology-trained nurse.
Thank God for His blessings and for giving me this much courage to return back to school after so nearly 6 years of being out of school. I am also thankful for His work in me to discipline myself to study, burn midnight oil to study for my exams and do my assignments.
Would be recieving my transcript in few days time for submission for a slightly higher pay. :)

Loving 2 Guys

Went to watch Twilight: Eclipse alone yesterday.
In the movie, Bella said that it was ok to love two guys at the same time, however, it just mattered who love more. She loves Edward and Jacob, however, she loves Edward more, thus, she has agreed to marry him and sacrifice her human form as a vampire for the sake of love.
It made me think and finally confess certain issues within myself. It made me realize that perhaps I haven't really let go of that particular someone in my heart even though I am married to a guy I love too. Perhaps, the reason why I can't let go of him is because, he is already engraved and engrafted to my heart.
Anyway, guess I would never have the chance or courage to admit this fact to him, unlike Bella who could. Also, unlike Bella, who has Edward to accept her double love towards Jacob, I don't have a husband who would understand and accept how I truly feel about have two guys in my heart...

Waiting for part 4 to see how this Twilight story progresses...

Envious...

Someone at the age of 35 would be soon promoted to be the ADN (Assistant Director of Nursing). Wow! Most ADNs are like in their late forties, fifties or even near 60... Here is someone who has her Masters and already is an APN ( Advance Practice Nurse), which is already a big deal these days. By 1 July she would officially be promoted to a position much desired and fought for by many nurses. A position which brings envy to many people. It is also commented that she would be the youngest ADN known. How cool is that?
I wonder where my career be when I am 35? Probably still a pathetic SSN ( Senior Staff Nurse) and at most maybe a NC (Nurse Clinician) or NM ( Nurse Manager). I can't see myself anywhere near being an APN, so don't talk about being an ADN. Anyway, I doubt I would have the capabilities like her to move up the corporate ladder so quickly. She was barely an APN for 2 years!!!
However, due to the constant grooming and sponsorship of KK, she is bonded to KK for the rest of her life, much akin to selling her life, soul and body to KK. This something I kind of dislike: being tied down to an organization with no chance of searching for a higher salaried job in the private section, which also has quite a fast track of promotion if you have a glib tongue.
Anyway, I won't see myself getting a degree or Masters, 'cause I know I am not that capable as compared to my peers... I am destined to a small fly at work... Someone who is replacable and of no importance to the organization...

Kelong World Cup 2010

Recently, been losing money betting on the world cup football... The scores nowadays are getting more and more unpredictable and those strong teams are getting weaker and beaten. Why? One good reason would be KELONG!!!! Imagine England and Germany are like losing to countries which were labelled as weak and not good...
Have already lost $50 bucks over these 2 weeks... So pissed off! Can these teams play fairly or buck up or not? Making people and fans around the world lose money and disappointed with their performance...

Happy Birthday XXXX

Not sure why after so many years, you still do appear into my dreams randomly?
Not sure why after so many years, I am still reminded of you on & off?
Not sure why after so many years, I am still feel the pains of us losing contact?
Not sure why after so many years, I am still bothered by your words 'sad ending to our relationship' when I chose to get married and move on?

Although, I am curious to know how you are getting on and what you are up to recently, but I dare not to pursue furthur.
Although, I very much wish to meet up with you for a cup of coffee and chat with you, but I guess when that day comes, I may politely refuse meeting you.
Although, I would like to add you as a friend on Facebook, but I dared not click that 'add as friend' button for fear of the unknown.

Happy Birthday...

Last Day Of Adv.Dip Life

Good bye to student and welcome back to 3 rotating shift work life again...

Final 3 days!

3 days more and I officially graduated from my Advance Diploma course to resume back my full fledged RN status. Kinda excited, yet sad... Yeah, I have been looked down by many other staff from different department thinking I am just a newbie student who has no knowledge or experience but yet I enjoy the freedom of walking away from such people instead of arguing with them (lessen my responsibilities and save my time listening to crappy orders or comments made by them).

Yesterday was a good example of never belittle a Advance Diploma student...
Doctor: who is the nurse in charge of bed 24 patient?
Me: I am.
Doctor (looking at me up & down): erm, I mean in charge of this bed 24 patient.
Me: I?
Doctor: You are just a student, how can u be in charge, how come this ward allow a student to take charge of patients? Who is in charge of you then?
(Another RN walks up) RN: Nevermind, you can tell me the orders, I would then pass the message over to the in charge.
Me to the RN: Later, you tell me what is going on... (walks away)
Moments later...
RN: Amelia, the doctor say the patient's medication is very funny and she has taken 5 of the medication already?
Me: What medications are you talking about? Where is the medication now?
RN: I don't know, the medications are her own medications from home and she has consumed 5 of it!
Me: What is name of the medication?
RN: I don't know, the doctor just told me like that!
Walks over to the doctor...
Me: Excuse me, what message did you tell my colleague to tell the in-charge, who is me???
Doctor: I told her that the patient is allergic to Panadol but yet she has been taking her own medications which contains Panadol for many years. Anyway, she refuses to hand over her 5 tablets which is left with her as she says that the medication is hard to get and she rather keeps it on her own.
Me: .... (walking away to the patient to convince her to let us handle her medications)


What a distorted message I got!!!!

Romance Post-Marriage = 0

Was having a chat with a patient's mum over the past few days while trying to bluff my marital status (which was blown by my ward manager). Hence, after my cover was blown, I started to lament to her about my husband being very practical and very much less romantic ever since we ROM-ed. Yes, he is still sweet at times and does pamper me once in a blue moon, but I miss the good ole times when courtship was filled with daily doses of romantic gestures and pampering...

As this patient's mum works with SDU (Social Developement Unit), she began to share with me that most married tend to divorce over lack of romance issues and even told me that romance is only meant for courting couples, which after marriage this romance would soon die down. After marriage, it is more of a time for the couple to settle down, be as a unit and be practical about building their relationship furthur and developing their own culture and home-life. She even told me that she would rather a practical, down to earth, geeky husband than a romantic husband. Her logic? A down to earth and practical husband would have lesser chance of extra-marital affairs and is more reliable.

I am not sure if it is due to era differences but I see other married peers also telling me the same story. Romantic life has died post-marriage, especially to Asian men, some feels vast differences while some feels slight differences. As a compare myself with other peers, I seem to be on the average range with lesser than normal romance post marriage. Somehow, it just doesn't sit right with me... Talking to him about it also is futile...

Yes... I am a romantic freak!!! I am a princes who needs daily doses of sweet gestures and pampering. I am a woman who craves for a romantic love-life with a romantic husband who allows me to indulge in his loving embraces and kisses till the day I die.

Last Lap

Today, I was told by my lecturer that the whole class has passed their exams and can get ready for graduation (provided we passed the OJT)... Woo Hoo!!! So finally, I am on my final lap before securing my Advance Diploma!!!

Recently, I was starting to miss the studying 'effect' as I have started to go back to my shift work, even though I am still carrying the status of a student nurse, I am expected to work and be competent like a full-flegded RN, which is good and bad....

Was thinking of studying somemore, like a degree in nursing... but... back to the same old low esteem of unsure if I can pull through the studying phrase and graduate with a degree. Don't want to waste time and money if I don't succeed in getting the degree...

Anyways, to reward myself, I went on a nice dinner at The Cathay Restaurant with hubby and topped off the evening with Shrek: The Final Chapter 3D! Cool!!!

Love the show, love the 3D effect!!!

Nice Ending For The Birthday

The day ended with a surprise bouquet of roses and Korean dinner with husband. Although he did not verbalized any form of sweet words of apology or even wish me a 'Happy Birthday', I am contented and gave in to his gestures...

What Happy Birthday?!

Tommorrow is my birthday but looks like it would be a sad birthday.

Hurricane storm with husband and I screwed up at attachement due to something that is not directly my fault.

Having a cold war with my husband means no more birthday mood or even the slightest chance of celebration is gone. Really don't understand why I still choose to hang on to this quarrelsome man who tends to provoke me on purpose. I wonder what he stands to gain when he makes me angry and we quarrel, especially when the arguement turns into a heated one, where his parents would step in to intervene before the 'fire' escalated furthur...

WTF!

Anyway, still a Happy Birthday to my bestie cum 'sister', CW, who would be celebrating her birthday on the 13th... Wishing her mood would be better than mine and she would be much happier with her life than me... :)

A Decade Of Couplehood

10 years is a long time. I have spent the past decade loving him, tolerating him, being loved by him and yet being tormented by him. These 10 years had lots of laughter, love, fair share of romance but also lots of tears, regrets, anger and unhappiness. This relationship was never smooth!
I wonder how many more decades would I have with him? How many more decades would I have to spend as his wife... How many more decades of sacrifices would I have to give?
I have choosen a road of no return. Since I have choosen to marry and love him from the start, I have no return back. Although at times, he makes me really mad and fed up but my love of him remains the same after I have cooled off.
Wishing us many more decades of marriage and love to come.


*updated: an anniversary night ended up into yet another heated arguement leading to cold war*

没那么简单

没那么简单
就能找到聊得来的伴
尤其是在看过了那么多的背叛
总是不安只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫
没那么简单
就能去爱别的全不看
变得实际也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单一久也习惯
不用担心谁也不用被谁管
感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话随便听一听
自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上关上了手机
舒服窝在沙发里
相爱没有那么容易
每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪
轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易
才会特别让人着迷
什么都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心
所以最开心曾经
想念最伤心
但却最动心的记忆

How Do You Say Good Bye??

How do you say good bye when you know you haven't let it go?
How do you say good bye when you know you ain't ready to let it go?
How do you say good bye when you know you would regret letting it go?
How do you say good bye when you know it would be near impossible to let it go and even harder to move on?
How do you say good bye when you know your life would crumble when you let it go?

A Decade Ago

10yrs ago, when I was still young, I had my first date with my husband. Although he can't remember any of it (and so he claims), I could remember every single detail of it: meeting at the mrt and trying to recognize one another, the nervous dinner session to the alpha-numeric pager message post-date. Keke...

10yrs and time has past so fast. In another 2 weeks or so, we would have been married for 4yrs (ROM) and 1yr (Customary), plus been a couple for 10years. Wow... Can't believed I tolerated the nonsense from this guy for so long and can't believe the amount of patience I had for him while he put me through a long period of emotional rollar coaster ride post ROM.

Pray for better more decades to come and better marriage life with less arguements or quarrels... Yes, we are still squabbling like newly married couples monthly over trivia matters, just like kids. Wonder when will all these arguements, cold war and make up process stops... Perhaps, that is the part and parcel of married life... :S *irritating* Why can't married life be a bed a roses and full of romances 24/7 instead of arguements, squabbles, quarrels and flying anger rages???

Exams Over Back 2 Attachment

On Saturday went out with my 2 'sisters' to the zoo and night safari... Nice trip except that hubby's privilege card can't be used as he wasn't present. Thought that each of us can save $18 as the card allows free admission to the zoo.

Anyway, despite the heavy downpour at around 4-5.30pm, we managed to view all the animals in their enclosures for the zoo and had so much fun giggling at parents being outsmarted by their witty kids :)

Dinner at Ulu Ulu restaurant was madness... $8 for sugar-cane juice, $11 for 6 sticks of satay, $17 for duck rice, $15 for crab fried rice and $15 for chicken rice. What a way to knock their tourist with such pricey food which doesn't even taste good as compared to hawker centres, which have much cheaper prices... *boo*

Exams Over!

Finally, at last my exams are over! Not sure if I did well for my papers. As long as I can pass without a single supplementary paper, get my certification and move on the career ladder, I am satisfied.

It is now all in God's hands and of course my lecturers' hands who is marking my papers. All I know I wrote a lot of crap for my SAQs. Wishing the lecturer who is marking my paper all the best trying to decipher what I am trying to elaborate about and make out my handwriting, which was neat slowly turning into pure untidiness due to tried hands and time constraint.

Party for now until next Monday when I start work again... WOO HOO!

Goodbye PRC Sis In Law

Yesterday afternoon, I was gossiping on the phone with one of my close friends about my brother in law (BIL) and the PRC sister in law (SIL). I was talking about their on-off marital fights and SIL's weird demands and threats to divorce if she doesn't get her way, then lowering her expectations when the threats prove useless. My BIL also trying to avoid her calls and contacts with her by travelling to Genting Highlands frequently, going out with other friends until late at night or purposely working late into the night. Of course I was unsure if the both still does go out together as a married couple. I was also mentioning to my friend that his room is still decorated with the wedding pictures, couple photos and the huge '喜喜' word on the wall, so I presumed the relationship is still present, otherwise, he won't be keeping all these stuff...

Last night at around 1am, while I was studying for my exams, I went lots of noise in the living room and went to 'investigate'. I saw my BIL clearing out the wedding stuff, photos and even took down the '喜喜'. His room was totally wiped out of any memento of the relationship. I felt guilty, I thought he might have over-heard my gossip session.

This morning, I woke up and managed to eavesdrop on my mum in law's (MIL) conversation with my father in law (FIL). She was telling my FIL that the PRC woman had all long been playing a fool with my BIL and this marriage was just part of her plot to get what she wants. I vaguely heard my MIL saying that my BIL has gone down to the lawyer's office and the divorce would take 3-5years to be finalized as they have already been married for more than a year...

Somehow, I am gloating and happy that this PRC is out of this family for good, yet at the same time, I pity my BIL. I sympathize with his predicament of the failure of his second marriage. His first marriage had failed due to his fault of neglecting the wife, now the second marriage is also failing due to his folly, thus being blinded to the wolf in sheep's clothing. He has to go through the painful divorce process yet again after walking away from the previous failed marriage 6years ago. If what I overheard is true, this divorce would be longer and more traumatic process for him.

My heart really does go out to him... Of course, I won't voluntarily go and comfort him, knowing his prideful and egoistic nature but I know inside that hard and brave front of his, he must be hurting and upset. Hopefully, once he has recovered from his current wounds, he would learn to be smarter when choosing his next 3rd wife (that is if he ever wants to get married again). Hopefully, this 3rd girlfriend or wife to be, does not turn the family chaotic or causes havoc again to this family. I had enough of being blamed and misunderstood as the 小人, only to get my name cleared after certain number of events or months or years later...

Anyway, this divorce is the best option for him now also. No use keeping a wife who only wants your money, your property and keeps coming out with devious plans to wreck peace and harmony in the family...

Plagiarism

好人没好报
狗咬吕洞宾
不识好人心
好心未必会有好报


One of my classmate cum group-mates called me last Tuesday night saying that his laptop had crashed and died on him (mother-board got burnt and laptop screen had cracked). He claimed that his assignment which was due last Friday was in the laptop together with the pointers for the assignment elaboration.

On Wednesday, he didn't come to school and said he was sending his laptop for repair.
Wednesday evening, he called and asked me to let him have a look at my assignment, which I had already completed. Being nice, I emailed him the my assignment and he 'promised' not to copy my assignment. How foolish of I to trust him...

After handing in of assignment on Friday, I realized he had used on the same trick on my another group mate and he plagiarized 80% of her assignment in the main body part of the assignment and 15% of my assignment for his ending part of the assignment. The rest of the 5% of his assignment, which is the introduction was he own work. Bloody hell!

This matter has been reported to my lecturer and she said that she can't promise anything good or neutral as an outcome. She even said the 3 of us maybe even penalized for plagiarism! WTF!

This is what happens when you are compassionate and soft hearted enough to believe men! Gullible!

Enough Of Studying

After this advance diploma, I vow never to study again, 'cause it sucks! Not sure if it the school system that sucks big time or the people (classmates) that sucks, or is it that my character sucks?!

Guess it all of it! Don't want rant about it on this blog and make myself more fuming mad at everything that has happened, is happening and will happen before the course ends. Just hope that this advance diploma ends faster, get my certification and move off...

Anyway, family is not get any better. I am dad has moved to Indonesia for the time being to help his friend set-up business there, that leaves my mother and me in Singapore. For the time-being, everything is ok. It is my in laws' side that is pissing me off... The PRC woman is throwing her drama again... Si Bei Sianz... She wants to divorce yet again, this time, her reason is that my brother in law has no money to support her and that she wants to start her own business to sell clothes. She demands my brother in law to give her capital to start business, otherwise she wants a divorce. My stupid brother in law told her that if she wants a divorce, she can by all means go find a lawyer and sign the divorce paper herself but he won't sign it. Mad man! If I were him, I would sign the divorce and ask that stupid PRC women to get the FUCK out of my life and family's life, then I would file for bankruptcy so I need not have to pay her alimony or a single cent!!!!

Instead now, this PRC is irritating my in laws by calling and complaining to my in laws every now and then to pass messages to my brother in law (who is ignoring her and not picking up her calls). My poor mother in law is like getting more pissed and yet not telling that PRC off and still listens to her nonsense. CRAP!!!!

New Toy

Introducing my new toy... cheaper than what the IT fair offers :)
A reward to myself for passing my biology paper, health assessment practical test and research critique assignment. It is also a way to encourage myself to continue my passing grades(hopefully)... :)

Back To School

After a month having attachments, it is back to school from next Monday and stress starts once again...

8 March - Physical Assessment Exams & APN assignment due (500words)

18 March - Change Management Presentation

19 March - Systematic Review Presentation

24 March - Research Report due (3000words)

26 March - Theory of Oncology Nursing Exams (x2 papers)

5~ 9 April - EXAMS (Psycho + Sociology & Management)

STRESSFUL especially when it happen to a person like me with extremely low self esteem and pessimistic personality...

伟大的女人

Part 1 Question:
Ladies, if your businessman husband was found cheating on you years ago (behind your back, of course), his mistress then cheated his money and ran away with another man. Now, your husband is back in Singapore and down with a rare form of cancer which slowly eats into his brain and hence he is losing his motor and speech function day by day until he dies. Would you be magnanimous enough to take him back and care for him until the day he dies?

My Answer:
I am not sure myself but I sure will be very bitter and upset for a moment when the truth of his affair surfaces and may not consider taking him back. However, now that he is sick and dying, the compassionate part of me would over-right my rational thoughts and hence, I may consider taking care of him until he dies, afterall, isn't that what is stated in the vows of marriage: in sickness and in health, I shall not forsake you.

Part 2 Question: During the period of time that you are caring for him, he is constantly ventilation his frustrations at you, ranting at you and even verbally abusing you. Not only that, he accuses you of having an affair behind his back. (Mind you, he is still very much alert and rational.) Would you now scream back at him for false accusation when he is the one who has let you down in the first place? Would now forsake him and leave him at a hospice care as an inpatient and wash your duties as a wife off to care for him?

My Answer: I may scream back at him and even dump him in a hospice inpatient care as I have low threshold for such ungratefulness. However, I may still go to the hospice to visit him but I guess by then love is no longer be present.

Congrats!

To my lost ex-close friend, Ky: Congrats! I know I am a bit late as you got ROM-ed last year Nov. Once again, congrats and may your marriage be blissful...

PS: If you ever read this post, I really am glad that you found that special one for you and stay happy 4ever. God Bless...

Post Valentine's Day Dinner

Husband's desktop decided to crash on him and we went to Sim Lim with my dad to buy a new lappie for him... Yes, he finally owns a laptop of his own, so no more bugging me to borrow mine... *evil laugh*
Went to a HongKong Cafe down Tampines 1 for post v.day celebration dinner. No flowers this year but he got me a Aristocat pillow and Stitch blanket as present. Ok, he is forgiven for the no flowers afterall...
Dad would be leaving for Jakarta on 1 March 2010 to start his new job and won't be back until at least 6mths later (if he is successful over there), thus, mum would be alone in Singapore. He has asked me to accompany her more often. I wish I could! Not that I want to be labelled un-filial but I really can't get along with her. I can't tolerate her temper and attitude. I know she is my mum afterall but I have got my limits too. No way will I give in to her nonsense and bad-temper attitude. I have unsettled grudges with her too. I have unresolved issues to deal with too...
Haiz... just hope she will learn to be more mellowed once my dad has left her for Jakarta. Hopefully, she will see that she has no one else left except me to fend for her and hopefully she won't be so aggressive towards me...

No CNY Mood

It is friday and tommorrow is CNY eve, normally as per other years before, I would be very excited about CNY. However, this year, I feel it like a normal day. Although I have bought my CNY clothes but I don't have that festive mood to go along with it... I associate this dullness with:
1) I have an assignment due straight after CNY
2) After CNY, I also have major presentations and exams
3) I don't feel like it is gonna be a good year
4) I am choosing not to eat reunion dinner with my own grandmother due to Jeff's family issue and I have seeked approval from my parents. (I was told, I was actually not SUPPOSED to eat with my grandmother 'cause I have married out anyway...)
5) CNY falls with V.day and thus, no V.day for me (Jeff has already said no V.day celebration this year as it clashes with CNY, unless I want CNY flowers as my V.day bouquet.)
6) $$$$$$$ fly as I have to start giving ang baos this year


Oh what a dreadful CNY it is gonna be... :(

Blondie

Been very stressed up with studying that I turned blonde... LOLx...

Ownership At Last

Blk 271D #08-549 will finally be ours! Would be going down tomorrow to pay the downpayment of SGD 20K and wait patiently until 2013 for the house keys...

Recently, feeling very helpless and regretful for entering my Advanced Diploma. Overwhelming and stressful. Not sure if I have up to passing my modules. Feel very low self-confidence in my assignments, tests and practical skills. It seems everyone in my class is also feeling the same way, even though physically everyone looks fine on the outside, but through their rants on facebook, they are stressed and overwhelmed too. Wonder if this is a normal process of the Advanced Diploma? I didn't have such strong regret while studying my Diploma years back...

Next thing that has been on my mind is my husband's relationship with my parents. He is getting more introvert these weeks due to work and study stress. In fact, he hasn't visited my parents with me for nearly 2mths now. He also verbalized he doesn't see the need to see my parents with me... I understand that in the very first place, he doesn't really like my parents and isn't comfortable with my parents but I also don't know how to persuade and make him see that it is just right for him to at least accompany me to visit my parents with me at least once a month.
I am unsure if my parents can understand that their son in law actually doesn't feel comfortable with them. I mean when with my husband around, they tend to act like this domineering figure and that makes him uncomfortable. The way my parents talk to him is like a over-bearing figure telling him or 'questioning' him and that makes him very uncomfortable as well as he dislikes the way they 'treat' him like a child.
I doubt my parents would change their way of mannerism with him as they feel it is only right as well as natural for them to behave that way they do with him.

Haiz... if both my parents and him can make do with not meeting often and my parents can accept that their son in law doesn't feel comfortable around them, life would be so much better and I need not always find excuse for him not to attend family functions or coming over to visit them with me...

Why Haven't I Let You Go???

Put away the pictures, put away the memories
I put over and over through my tears
I've held them 'til I'm blind, they kept my hope alive
As if somehow that i'd keep you here
Once you believe in a love forevermore
How do you leave it in a drawer

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone
Guess I'm just learning, learning the art of letting go

Try to say it's over, say the word good bye
But each time it catches in my throat
You're still here in me and I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friends forever-more
Wish I could open up that door

Watching us fade, what can I do
But try to make it through the pain
Of one more day without you

Where do I start to live my life alone
I guess I'm learning, only learning
Learning the art of letting go




PS: After so long, I thought I have let you go. But guess I haven't... Sigh...

A Moltivation To Exercise

20mins brisk walk to and another 20mins brisk walk back

Unappreciated...

- 2 nights in a row, I had to stay up past midnight waiting for him to come back just to heat up his dinner 'cause I understand he has a hard day at work and missed his dinner. Last night, added abalone slices to his dinner dish and got chided for adding it. He even told me he actually doesn't really like abalone taste. WTF!

- Messaged and called him few times only to be ignored and no replies. WTF! I just want to spend some quality time with him!

- Turned up for group meeting today, only to be told 1hr later that the group meeting was cancelled as someone couldn't finish her assignment that was due today. WTF!

- Passed a classmate some information she wanted to search for, only to be told by her that she already found the information from someone else and thus, mine was not needed. WTF!

I am really getting real pissed at myself being too nice and helpful. I am totally sick and tired of being the 'nice' wife who serves her husband like lord only to be told off and ignored. I feel like a total fool! What good deed will reap good results or good things?! Crap!

He is not the only one tired and stressed! Although I don't have work to do but I have ASSIGNMENTS and TUTORIALS to do. Yes, I do take naps sometimes, but that doesn't mean I am not tired and obligated to stay up late to wait for him to heat up food for him! Yes, I may not look stressed but I am! I am afraid that I am not up to my lecturers' standard, I am afraid of failing my module, I am afraid of repeating the module, I am afraid of affecting my 2 years bond!

Argh... why do I strive so hard only in vain? Why do other wife and students cope so much better than me? Why do other husbands appreciate their wives while mine takes me for granted?! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1st Day Of 2010

First day of 2010 is spending listening to PRC throwing her nonsense behaviour as expected. After moving out a month ago, now she has called my mum-in law to discussing some issues. As I didnt manage to eavedrop on the conversation, I would believe it is to with my brother in law promising her a house one year post marriage. Now she doesn't get her house, she wants something else. I am not sure what is her 'plan' now and what she called my mum in law for. But I guess is probably divorce and perhaps money...

Sigh... first day of new year and trouble starts. What a way to start 2010?!

Yes, I may dislike this PRC woman but I am ain't gloating over my brother in law's fate. I just feel sorry and pity him now. First marriage had failed... Now married this PRC thinking this marriage will work out well only to find out a year later, her 'pattern' and 'wolf's tail' is out... Poor guy!!!

Haiz... hopefully this matter is just like a husband and wife normal quarrel and they would make-up soon. Family happiness and peace is what I wish, no more family politics or nonsense...