Missing My Granny

As I was watching some videos on YouTube, the song 'Fix You' was played and immediately I am reminded of my late granny and the entire period of her cancer: from diagnosis to death.

Being blessed with the knowledge acquired from my Advanced Diploma, I was her palliative nurse, the advocate for her, spokesperson for the family whenever medical decisions is needed and her nurse for venepuncture as well as cannulation.

However, I wasn't allowed to fully grief and to absorb her diagnosis before she was taken away to Heaven in less than 2 months post-diagnosis. I was in the amidst of preparing myself for last Christmas with her in 2011 when she left us 15 days before Christmas.

In a sense, I am partially grateful that she didn't have to suffer so long with the trajectory of cancer and she didn't need to cope with any major medical emergencies. I am also glad that she went peacefully after her breakfast. However, I am upset that I wasn't allowed Christmas with her and that I was denied the chance to fully comprehend the whole diagnosis and the futility of any curative medical options as the cancer was at its final stage when it was diagnosed. I have witnessed her spiral downwards day by day and how she slowly deteriorated in physical strength. I was practically updated daily on her condition and visited her weekly to titrate her morphine dose as well as to assess her needs. It was painful witnessing her deteriorating, yet I am torn between losing her to the angel of death.

Even till today, nearly 2 years after her death, I still feel the grief of losing her. I am often reminded of her, especially when significant events happen in my family or relatives and my life.

She loved all her grandchildren and children lots. Thus, I believe that she is now an angel in Heaven, watching and protecting us all in our lives. But, she can't prevent all mishaps, she can only help to cushion them...

My dearest granny, you will always be dearly missed and never forgotten in my life... Till I see you jn Heaven. *Muacks*

Want to Judge Me? Make Sure Your Hands Are Clean First...

Throughout my life, I have been mis-judged by people. The decisions that I make for myself are often criticised by others. My actions are often misunderstood and taken wrongly by people.

Firstly, before you decide to judge me, please make sure that your hands clean enough and your life is sinless.
Secondly, before you jump to conclusions of who you think I am, please ask yourself if you did walk the same path and share the exact experience as I did? Plus, do you know me well enough to give your opinion?
Thirdly, before you open your mouth to gossip about me, please ensure you have heard the two sides to my story and understood every piece of information presented to you.
Fourthly, before you point your finger at me to criticized me, please ensure that you are some God  or Buddha or Goddess or Almighty. 
Fifthly, before you backstab me, please be sure that you protect yourself from something called 'Karma' aka 'Retribution'. 

It is so sickening to be constantly living under the eyes of others and be ruled as a misfit to the society or to the family.
It is so tiring ro be leading my life according to others' expectation of me, according my 'social status'.
Yes, I have made some bad decisions and choices in life. But who hasn't made wrong choices in their lives only to pick up the mess later?
Even if I do make the wrong turns in life (according to you), it's my life and only I would have the rights to rule it. I am the one walking this life path not you and don't worry, I wouldn't drag you into it if you are not willing to support me.

I am me. Only I can decide what's best for myself. I will choose when to open a new chapter and when to close a chapter in my own life... Stop judging and interfering into my life and concentrate in managing your own life. Thank you.

Countdowns...

In 10 days, I would be pursuing a better future and new start in life. Another chapter of my life begins, a chapter that I had been planning for quite awhile. My working life would be anew. I am going miss my close colleagues whom I had played, worked, joked around, shared my tears and new found happiness with.

In 14 days, I would probably be officially engaged. I would be pursuing my own happiness with a guy whom my parents would totally disagree... I would be sort of his and he will sort of be mine. Who could resist a 2-carat diamond with 0.75-carat diamonds on its left and right, set in Rose-Gold? Haha! Of course, that is not going to be the reason for me accepting the proposal. There are more concrete reasons to it.

Probably in a year, I may be married again. God knows!

Never did visualise my life changing this way. Never had I foreseen myself making such decisions. Guess that is part of life: expect the unexpected changes...

Icy Mint Princess is Back

Had been having crazy days of work recently. The ward is constantly having to deal with high patient workload but low staff head count. MCs daily wasn't helping either.

But I have been blessed with a very loving boyfriend who makes the effort to pick me up from work via cab and accompanying me for supper, or rather late dinner.

The comfort of sitting down with him and having a meal feels great. The warmth of him holding me while walking home feels me with bliss. The thought of him being so kind to pick me from work makes me feel blessed. The conversations we have over dinner and whilst in cab makes me feel less stressed over work matters.

Guess, I am really pampered by him. Back to the position of being a spoilt girlfriend. However, the mere thought of familiarity that matches my past experience scares me. The insecurity of history repeating itself makes me uneasy. Of course my boyfriend reassures that he ain't anything like that jerk, who had left me scars and major hurt. All I can do is trust and pray that history won't repeat itself. All I can do is to hope my boyfriend would remain this sweet and pampering even when he becomes my fiance or husband in the future. All I can do is to hope that I would remain in the same bliss in future no matter what happens.

May God bless this relationship and guide my boyfriend to be a loving fiance and husband to me. May God give me the strength of trust to believe that same horrible history won't befall on me again. May God path our way to cross the obstacle of parental approval.
Amen.

Blessed.

Sometimes I do wonder what have I done to deserve a divorce in my life 'history page'? But at the same time, I would console myself that if I hadn't face a divorce, would I have met my current boyfriend? If my ex-husband and I didn't end the draggy marriage, would I experience the joys of this new relationship with this new guy? Doubt so.
Thus, while my ex-husband is probably enjoying his 'life after divorce' days, I am also basking in the days of being truly loved, cherished and treasured by my boyfriend. I often feel that I am back to those days of being treated like a gem by him. I need not spend my days in fear of being treated with erratic mood swings or being emotionally tied down to a guy who doesn't know how to love me and maintain a harmonious relationship.

♥ Maybe God gave me this boyfriend as a compensation for all the crap that I have been through.
♥ Maybe God allowed this guy into my life to bring me back to the basics of enjoying simple pleasures of life that money can't buy.
♥ Maybe God allowed this guy to bring me the joys of simplicity in this materialistic and practical world.
♥ Maybe God wanted to enlighten me that true love still does exist in this complicated world.
♥ Maybe God wanted me to face a divorce so that I could be freed from a torturous marriage with an egoistic guy who needed a maid or a substitute for his mother, not a wife or partner.
♥ Maybe God made me go through a divorce to bless me with a guy who is more worthy of me and my love.

Yes, I do understand that my boyfriend has lower education, lower salary income, lower family background and isn't exactly 'normal' in looks but at least, he is humble, hardworking and has a much better character than my ex-husband. My boyfriend may not be comparable to my ex-husband in the materialistic aspect of life but he has a commendable better personality,  character,  moral values and most importantly, he is able to give me the security I require in a relationship. I can trust him fully and doesn't need to worry about him taking me for granted.

My eyes had been opened to see that there isn't going to be much happiness if I had maintained my marriage with my ex-husband. Forcing myself to be in an unhappy marriage is detrimental to both my mental health and emotional health.

Of course, this new relationship is not without trials and tribulations of obstacles as well as arguments.  But through each obstacles and argument, we have learnt to treasure each other better and strengthen our relationship to a newer level of intimacy and built our foundation to stabilise the relationship.

Just hope that history will not repeat itself. Hopefully this love will last me through this lifetime. Hopefully this love will not one that I would regret in the future. Afterall, no one can predict the future for sure and only God knows what my future holds...

Uncertain Future

How do I reassure myself that I won't make the same mistake of trusting the wrong guy again?
How can I tell myself that history won't repeat itself in the future?
How can I promise myself that I won't get myself into the same predicament as I was before?
How do I encourage myself to take the risk and walk.into marriage again?
How do I reinforce myself that I would be truly happy and blissful under his care forever?
How do I show myself evidence of his love, care and concern for me is genuine?
How do I assure myself that this bliss I am experiencing will be everlasting?
How do I challenge myself to take this step of being someone's wife again?
How do I build my own confidence in him that he won't change after marriage like that previous jerk?
How do I shake off all these bad memories and overlook the scars that I suffered in the past?

I walked away from a disastrous marriage in April 2012 and wonder if is it too soon for me to step into another potential marriage?
I battled nearly a month of agony facing impending divorce and survived with scars that remind myself of what I had to go through to be who I am and where I am now.  Am I ready to entrust my happiness to another guy?
I gave myself a brand new brave start last year to end up walking into a potential marriage that my parents would furiously object. (Anyway, when have they ever approved any boyfriends of mine...)

3 weeks more to the first year anniversary of the relationship. How time flies? Although this relationship is only 1 year old, I feel very much connected and comfortable with him. It seems like I know him for more than an year.

I have never been lucky in my love life. Hopefully, this time it will be an exception to end all those curses of failed relationship and marriage. Amen.

Meow Love

Had once downloaded this application on my Iphone last year and was chided by someone for being childish as well as 'having nothing better to do'. That person didn't appreciate this application as sweet, romantic and cute.

This time when I chanced upon this application again, I am told that I shared the same sentiments as him and he has since been using it to send me sweet messages of love.

Same application,  two different reaction.

幸福不难

我好想脱下身上的盔甲
好好呼吸一下
每个人都想好好爱一场
其实我也一样
人总会有 悲伤 狂欢 离别和沮丧
经过了才算
学会坚强
带我飞翔
到个安全的地方
是你让我看见未来的希望
幸福不难
就在前方有你陪在我身旁
我才勇敢
你的力量
是无止境的温暖
让我张开翅膀
自由的飞翔
幸福不难
就在前方有你在身旁
我会勇敢
你只想紧握你的手不礬
走到云的顶端
哪怕只拥有一次的绚烂
我会陪你转弯
人总会有 悲伤 狂欢 离别和沮丧
经过了才算学会坚强
带我飞翔
到个安全的地方
是你让我看见未来的希望
幸福不难
就在前方
有你陪在我身旁
我才勇敢
你的力量是无止境的温暖
让我张开翅膀自由的飞翔
幸福不难
就在前方
有你在身旁 我会勇敢
_________________________________
Everyone has to have a hero in their life, just that, that hero may not be someone else but yourself. I am not sure if I have found my hero but I guess the hero inside me should be suffice for now.

Been having weird dreams recently. Some dreams that brings tormented tears and some dreams just weird beyond explanation. But through these dreams I know that I am scarred and fearful of making the same dreaded mistake. Perhaps no one would really understand the pain that I went through to become who I am today, 'cause people would tell me to move on and remind me that I found a better guy to trust my future with. However, they forgot that although I am newly healed, I still carry the scars of a failed marriage and the memories of how much I struggled to keep the marriage together, only to have failed.

All I can do now is to walk on the path of life, praying that the same mistake would not be made. Afterall,  no one can predict the future... It may be good or it may turn out bad. Whatever it is, I have to still run the race until the end of my life journey.

Love Isn't Always A Bed Of Roses

Sometimes love is just a bunch of calla lilies: Seasonal. Colourful. Pretty. But not everlasting.

Nothing in life is promised.  Promises are made to be broken.
What matters is finding the right one who honours his words, promises and vows.

Something random... No pun intended.

Submitted a Long Due Letter

Today is the day I submit my long due resignation letter. I didn't submit it personally to my nursing manager as I felt that I wouldn't have the courage or heart to witness her reaction. Although, it was never a secret to her that I was planning to leave but I still think the resignation would come as a surprise.

I just left the resignation letter on her table for her to discover it later today.

I had thought that I would experience a sense of happiness after submission of the resignation letter but instead, a sense of mixed emotions overwhelmed me: relieve yet sad, happiness yet reluctance,  satisfaction yet anger.

So guess this is it! I am finally doing what I had planned,  to start my life anew with another organisation, where no one knows that I am a divorcee and where no one knows my dark, hidden secrets. Starting in new workplace, where I would I start life afresh and hopefully succeed in my dreams of being an educator to my juniors, team player to my colleagues, advocate and advisor to my patients.

I wouldn't be saying where I am heading to on this blog as I want to play safe, just in case my ex-husband still reads this blog. I don't wish him to disrupt my future plans and new life. But I have done as 'promised' to him, to start a better new life without him, to move on to a more blissful future without him.

May God bless this new future and new career that I am seeking. Amen.