Nurse-Patient Relationship

As a nurse, I am constantly reminded to maintain a professional relationship towards my patients and especially in my field of work, not to develop any form of close bond towards my patients. However, once in a while, there comes one patient whom you can't help but feel the closeness to her. Thus, I always end up developing this a close bond cum friendship with her and her family members. She becomes like my friend whom I would share our 'secrets' and comfort one another. I am her nurse, thus, I comfort her by alleviating her symptoms of cancer progression and when the end of life is near, I become her palliative nurse, adjusting her medications, titrating it according to her needs. I become her advocate to her family members and to doctors.

As she fades off to end her journey of life, as painful as it gets, I have to end our friendship with an appropriate closure. Tears will drop while she is no longer able to respond to me, I would shed a tear or two as I share the last few moments with her alone. It is a blessing from God that I still get to hold her hand as her breath shallows.

Although half of me would pray that she wouldn't die in front of me, for fear that I would lose my professional coolness but half of me would hope that she will die during my shift as a form of a closure and so that I could end my friendship with her with what we call 'The Last Office'.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do... A Nurse. Not just an ordinary nurse, but a nurse who has feelings for her patients. A nurse who risk her professional boundaries to develop friendship and feelings for her patients and their families.

God bless their last journeys back to Heaven, where their souls may rest in eternal peace.

If I Should Die

If I should die anytime from now, I would like the following:

1) I want to be lying in a pink tinted acrylic coffin
2) I want to wear an ivory, tube, ballerina wedding gown.
3) Christian funeral rites
4) Buried
5) Obituary stating that I had lived a brave life. (I feel that I am much stronger than I thought I would be.)
6) If possible, my organs donated to those who need it or for medical research purposes.
7) Tears are allowed at my funeral but they should forever be stopped after my funeral period ends.
8) Any of my ex-boyfriends are allowed at my funeral, except my ex-husband, as I feel that he no longer owes me anything. Vice-versa.
9) In the event that my body isn't 'whole' due to mutilation or bomb blast or plane crash, don't bother having a funeral for me. Just light a candle in memory of me as a form of 'send off' for me.
10) After my death, don't bother remembering my death anniversary. Just remember me by lighting a candle every year on my birthday.

PS: Life is unpredictable. I just wanna to be sure that someone will be able to bring this post of my post-death wishes to my parents, future partner or future kids.

0-10 Narcissism Before I Die (Choy!)

Countdown: 3 weeks more before my trip to Bali.
Last week's news: Lion Air landing into the sea instead of Bali island.
This week's news: Boston bombing leaving many wound and few fatalities.

These above news had me reflecting on my safety and life during the Bali trip... What if my air plane crashed instead of landiny safely? What if Bali were to be targeted for bombing again during my holidays there?

Well, if God wants to take me back with Him before/during/soon after my 30th birthday, I can't stop Him, right? All I can say is all is Heaven's will and like it or not, everything is pre-destinated. If I am meant to die, I can't avoid death. If I am not meant to die yet, there would be obstacles to prevent my death.

So be it my last few weeks alive or not, I am still going to just be me and stop fretting over the news or whatever people says to warn me about my upcoming trip...

1 Year On

13 April 2012: I moved out of Sengkang, walked out of an unhappy marriage. I made the choice to respect his wishes for a divorce. I made the decision to move on with my life, away from any more negative emotions attached to being his wife. I decided that I had enough of his threat of divorce. I did what I felt was right for me and my future. We both decided that we had enough pretending to the world that we were happily in love and married.

13 April 2013: I am back in love with someone whom I think is better in accepting me for me. I am a girlfriend to someone who is able to handle conflicts maturely and is able to deal with my emotions who rationally as well as calm me down whenever I am upset over stuff. I am reminded constantly what I seek in a relationship involving love daily. I am able to speak my thoughts and behave freely, without the fear of saying or doing the wrong things. I am able to communicate my feelings with him without the fear of being called immature, irrational, mad, unreasonable, spoilt or demanding.

1 year has passed since the day I almost sunk into depression due to a failed marriage. I am still occasionally haunted of the arguement over a plate of chicken rice, escalating to end up in a divorce. I still have the memories of my deeply overwhelmed emotions so much so that I have to jet over to Melbourne to take a breather and settle my emotions before returning to face the impending divorce process.

I thank God and to those who had stayed by me, supporting me psychologically and emotionally. I am grateful for everyone who had helped me step out of the taboo of being a divorcee. Thankfully God made me strong enough to ride through this storm with the help of close friends, family members, relatives and blessing me with a boyfriend who is better than my ex-husband in personality and maturity level.

May my journey be smooth from now onwards. No more devastating relationship related issues and no more emotional roller coaster rides. Amen.

Love Doesn't Involve Politics

Over the past few days, I have been tending a close friend's BGR issues. The insomnia and frustrations that she has been experiencing sounds so familiar to me. The fact of threading on thin ice, for fear of an argument with her bf and the totally heck care bf brings me back to a year ago.
I am reminded that I broke free from that dumb-ass routine of being the fearful and 'obedient' partner to a totally selfish and self-conceited husband.
As I 'celebrate' my anniversary of being a divorcee on 13th April, I am thankful for the fact that I can live my life fearlessly and do whatever or say whatever I want as long as I don't betray my own conscience. I need not thread on thin ice wondering if my words would spark any arguments or would my sms-es cause an explosion of negative emotions of verbal abuse and emotional abuse.
I am inclined to believe that he is also having a good life as a single person as he once told me that he had enough of me and sick of being married when he craved for single life.
I just wish my close friend all the best and advised her to be careful with her bf as I know he has intention to break off with her sooner or later but he doesn't want to be the 'bad person', thus he would be installing a CCTV to capture her behaviour while he attempts to annoy her and use it against her when mentioning the subject of break-up.
When there is politics in a relationship, it is not called love anymore. When there is an intention to backstab one another, love doesn't exist anymore. Love in this era isn't as simple and everlasting as compared to our parents' or grandparents' era. Sigh.

Mixed Personality Me

I may look confident on the outside but inside, I am insecure.
I may look strong on the outside but inside, I am vulnerable.
I may seem to care-less of the world that revolves around me but, I am one person who reads deeply into everyone or everything.
I may seen not to be haunted by my setbacks but, actually I am bothered by my own past.
I may seem nonchalant about what others think of me but, in fact, I am self conscious of what people gossip about me.
I can be happy but deep down be bothered.
I can be seen quiet at times but actually I am deep in thoughts.
I am easily affected by my own emotions.
I may seem to get over matters fast and forgive people easily but in reality, I am petty and bear grudges hoping for karma to hit you in the face while I sit down and watch you suffer or writher in pain.
I may have gotten over certains matters but in real life, I have used my own downfalls as life lessons.
This is me. This is Amelia. This is my life.  This is my complicated personality.  This is me, multi-faced dealing what life throws at me.

Dreaded April Is Here

The next 2 weeks of April is what I am dreading. The 2 dates that I don't wish to go through but have to. WTF!

8 April: Reminder of his birthday.

13 April: My 'start of divorce path ' anniversary

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The only date that brings slightly more joy.
14 April: My bf's birthday...

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April  please pass quickly so that I could start with May and start looking forward for my birthday trip overseas with my bf, as well as KIV with my 'sister' cum close friend, who may join me for our birthday celebration.
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Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty (it is foolishness on my part for thinking that I could let my guard down and allow you to see my negative points and everything about me)
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep,
Things you never say to me,
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love (not to forget telling me that you have tolerated of my 'unreasonable behavior' enough and how you can't forget & forgive that I almost chose another guy over you.)

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
(too bad, as your heart/love died, my love towards you unknowingly died too)
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts (yes, you scarred me real bad)
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again (I did, I fell in love with someone else more worthy of my heart)