Trust Myself???

Can someone just tell me what the hell is going on? I can't even trust myself, how to trust others 100% ever again...

1st Step Out Of The Dark

Attended my first family function after so long ever since the split. I was kind of afraid facing relatives about my new status as being a divorcee, was fearful that they would start poking their noses in my affairs or randomly blurt out some sensitive comments which may hurt me. Instead, none of the above happened, everyone left me alone to chat with my closest cousin and no one dared to ask me anything about the failed marriage. I am blessed. From what my cousin told me, everyone was more or less been forewarned by my dad, before the dinner, to shut their gaps and refrained from asking me about Jeff. Actually, everyone could tell I was unhappy in the marriage and was only trying my best to maintain it. Now that I am divorced from him, they could tell that I am happier and more confident without him. I guess certain things does show, eh? Despite my efforts to hide my pain and try hard to conceal the cracks in the marriage, the fault lines must be so big that others can actually spot it.

Frankly, there are days whereby I am happy to be single and enjoying my single-hood status but there are still some days, where I still think about him and wonder what actually happened to make him snap so badly. Maybe he is just being petty and unforgiving for my past. Perhaps, he has found someone else. Or just maybe, he really is that unable to forget the fact that almost chose another guy to him. Whatever the reason is, everything is over... No use to even try to salvage it. Doubt I would like to go back those days of worrying about his sensitive temper as well as trying hard not to step on his land mines.

Through this marriage, I have learnt that actually I can be and am a good wife by nature, but sadly, to the wrong guy, who doesn't know how to treasure me and cherish me...

Currently, I declare that I am still single and open to any male competition but just that in order to win me over, the poor guy has to work extra hard to win my trust and heart.

To Jeff: I have had feedback that you are also doing pretty well without me and I am glad that you are doing good. Keep it up and may you find your aims in life. Good luck in your future endeavors. I will return your books as promised once my results for this semester is out. Don't worry, I would put it in your letter box as I respect your wishes to never wanting to see me again.

心声

答應自己沒有你也要努力過下去
但我從沒刻意對你的消息回避
我之後的愛情。。。
我之後的你在她的愛裡
真的確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
也決心一個人練習不那麽想你
我之後的你在她的愛裡
終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
偶爾想你也未必是不可理喻
有些困難的事情，等時間處理
我漸漸聽見了心裡的聲音，原來真正的幸福那麽容易
懂得了祝福只要你愛得再也不猶豫
我之後的你在她的愛裡
終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我比較愛自己
陪回憶寫完了日記
告訴自己停止再想你
我之後的你終於確定過去都已過去
你之後的我懂得愛自己
讓回憶不留痕跡
我會自己停止再想你

Rewind back to 26 April 2000

还记得吗 窗外那被月光染亮的海洋
你还记得吗 是爱让彼此把夜点亮
为何后来我们 用沉默替代依赖
曾经朗朗星空 渐渐阴霾

心碎离开 转身回到最初荒凉里等待
为了寂寞 是否找个人填心中空白
我们变成了世上 最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀

只怪我们爱得那么汹涌 爱得那么深
于是梦醒了 搁浅了 沉默了挥手了 却回不了神
如果当初在交会时能忍住了 激动的灵魂
也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里 沉沦

我们变成了世上最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀

Fly Away

<---Manado

<---Cebu

Ever since I left Jeff in April, a part of me kind of died. The part where Amelia needs to stay put in Singapore for more than half a year has died. I feel that I have this craving to fly away and explore new places alone. Face the world alone, without anyone knowing my history and asking me if I am coping ok or if I am happier now being single with the freedom to do anything I want. I am just sick and tired of answering the same answers only to kid myself and bluff the world that I am perfectly fine, coping with divorce well as well as 100% happy to be single.

This time, I am exploring the options of flying away from 31/12/2012 to 5/1/2013...
Where should I head to:
1) Manado
2) Bali
3) Phuket
4) Langkawi
5) Cebu
6) Krabi

I feel that I wanna countdown alone sitting by the beach, emo-ing myself away while the world counts down to a brand new year. After this January 2013 trip, I am also thinking of going away during CNY in Feb 2013. So which place should I go first and second? I love sitting by the beach and enjoying the horizon, peace and serenity of the sea coupled with the sea breeze. The salty sea smell also refreshes my mind.


Any suggestions?

Epic Fail

Another Emo Night

只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
在這場愛情角力的拔河裡
愛我還是愛你　你選擇了自己
撒嬌的　可愛的　黏人的　愛哭的
照片裡　曾經的都是你喜歡的
如今我還在原地 你卻走回你的記
分開是一種解脫　讓你好好的想過
我想要的　那片天空　你是不是能夠給我
分不清激情　承諾永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口　我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔　是因爲我太愛你
安靜了　在我枕邊的夢裡
我知道相愛原本就不容易
愛不是一加一　努力就有結局
臉頰的淚還溫熱　卻沒有人握我的手
愛情是一道傷口　我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔　是因爲我太愛你

我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我 也只是曾经
我会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你

如果这最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重逢也无法继续 失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在
也同样落的不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能
我承认你是我不该爱的人
如果再见是为了再分 失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生
需要那么残忍才证明爱的深
我愿意承认你是我爱错了的人

等时间过去 等现在的一切变成回忆
在某个夜里我将站在海边大声喊你
曾有的悲喜将会温暖也会刺痛我的心
我知道我一定会后悔失去你
就快看不到你的背影
分手就要成定局我快要不能呼吸
能够相爱并不容易
那些洒满阳光日子里 那些眼泪和笑语
你真的已不在意
My love, 轻轻的喊着你
曾经爱你永远爱你
我还抱着盼望停留在原地
一段并不长的距离 爱却跨不过去
天空无语海无情
对着你的背影轻声说 "我爱你"

How Much Did/Do I Loved/Love Him?

He had always claimed that he loved me more than I did loved him. But how do one measure love? Is there a scale that can be used to measure love? What is the 'SI' for it?

Frankly, I know I do/did love/loved him otherwise, I wouldn't have gone against parental advice and married him. I wouldn't have swallowed so much of my pride and 'princess' behaviour for him. I wouldn't have put down my dreams of migrating overseas for him. I wouldn't have put him at/as the top priority of my daily life. I wouldn't have him constantly in my mind. I wouldn't be always defending him and protecting his image in front my parents, relatives and friends.

If I didn't love him so much, I won't allow him the easy way out this divorce. I won't set him free so easily. I won't feel this sadness and go through frequent sleepless night or feeling so emotional at times thinking of how this marriage had failed. I won't give him this peace that he requested to forget me.

So how can he claim that he loved me more than I do when he was the one who wanted a divorce? How can he claim that he love me when he was the one who couldn't work things out properly? How can he claim that he love me when he was the one who broke my heart? How can he claim that he love me when he totally wants to cut off all ties with me and move on with his own life? How can he claim that he love me when he said hurtful words towards me and chased me out of the house? How can he claim that he love me when now he is happier than me instead of missing my presence? How can he claimed that he love me when he chose to leave me at a time when I was supposed to be concentrating on my exams and was still ill? How can he claimed that he love me when he was the one who gave up on our marriage and our 12 years of relationship?

He lied. Whatever vows and promises he gave me were all lies now... He won my heart and trust only to shatter it thoroughly.

Understood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at16vn2T__I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
拼命與世人角力最終偏狠狠跌低
人家的東西 無法去佔有
三歲般公園中爭皮球
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有

貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 未到手的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少

貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 沒有的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少

誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
你別說世人既是要貪必須貪到底
人家的東西 無法去佔有
不再想誰共誰還博鬥
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有

Depressive Mood

Been on a depressive mood since that divorce. Of course, I do contradict myself when people around me ask if I am ok and if I am dealing the divorce fine. Don't expect me to crumble down and start crying, right? It is in such times that I wonder when God will really take me back to Him? I fear being left alone to die alone when my parents have passed on later in life. I fear suffering like how some of my patients have suffered before dying...

Just a song to express my mood:

It's a long, long journey

Till I know where I'm supposed to be

It's a long, long journey

and I don't know if I can believe

When shadows fall and block my eyes

I am lost and know that I must hide

It's a long, long journey

Till I find my way home to you



Many days I've spent

Drifting on through empty shores

Wondering what's my purpose

Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter

I know I will cry

I know you'll be standing by my side

It's a long, long journey

And I need to be close to you



Sometimes it seems no one understands

I don't even know why I do the things I do

When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul

Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

'Cause it's a long, long journey

Till I feel that I am worth the price

You paid for me on calvary

Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes

It feels like everything is out to make me lose control

It's a long, long journey

Till I find my way home to you

Goat VS Ox

One is shy while the other is more out-spoken
One is 1.85m while the other is 1.72m
One is Chinese while the other is Eurasian
One is below average financially while the other is rich
One is an engineer while the other is a band director cum diving instructor
One is single while the other is divorced with 2 young kids
One is a Buddhist/Taoist while the other is Catholic
One is has driving license but can't afford a car while the other drives
One is doing his Degree but the other is planning to do his Masters soon
One is highly insecure with issues in life while the other is too flamboyant to let anything bog him down
One stays at Bukit Batok while one stays at Opera Estate
One speaks Aussie english while the other speaks Queen's english

Both are not handsome
Both are typical tunnelled-vision men, who can't multi-task
Both are not that the romantic sort
Both are not so vocal of their feelings for me but can figure out that they are interested to progress on with me
Both are highly sex-charged
Both are very egoistic in their own ways
Both don't mind migrating to Australia in future

I have trusting issue, my heart is still healing from being betrayed by a guy who broke his promise + vows towards me and I cannot commit at the moment due to my dangling divorce issues. They understand.
God please choose and show me the right one... Who knows, maybe both are not the one for me even? Time will tell.

Halfway Over

Time to make plans to leave Singapore once I have obtained my degree. If everything goes on smoothly, hopefully I would finish my degree course, get my official transcript by the end of 2012, get my certificate by May next year and move on to another country. Maybe I should move to UK and make good use the opportunity to walk away totally from this misery of travelling around Singapore and every place would remind me of him.

This time, I doubt anyone would be able to stop me. I have given up on the hopes of finding love again and trusting another man enough to settle down again. Too much pain, too much risk of getting myself hurt again, too much instability, too much fear to trust again and too much risk of sacrificing for him again for nothing.

Between an ox and a goat, I have no clue who will able to capture my heart again. One who is rich, yet too flamboyant for my liking and the other, sincere yet too shy + financially strapped to keep up with my current life.

My parents won't stop me now from leaving Singapore, 'cause they both know that flying away was my dream before I entered nursing. However, I allowed myself to be held back due to a guy, who ended up breaking my heart after 12 years.

Once, I have gotten my final judgement papers for divorce by November 2012, I would be lawfully and legally free from any form of commitments to the guy who hurt me so bad. Currently, with the interim judgement papers, I am still 'married' to him and 'committed' to him under the eyes of the law.

I really want to forget him and everything I had with him...

Greatness of Love

Is It Possible To Remain As Friends After Divorce?

In 2006, after 6 years of courtship, I had thought that I had found my one true love and decided to agree to giving my hand in marriage to him, thinking that he is as much in love with me as I was with him. 6 years later, the marriage ended with a divorce. Sadly in this current era, divorce is a common reality. Couples are more willing to throw their break down in marriage out the window more easily nowadays than to fix it. Lesser and lesser people are honouring their wedding vows.

For the past 2 days, I begin to wonder if it was possible for me to remain as friends with him, forgiving him for hurting me and betraying my trust that he would love me until the end of time? I wondered if I was friends would him, would I be able to accept news in future when he has found someone new and even be able to attend his wedding if he does invite me by then? I wondered if I could even go out with him for a simple dinner or movie as a platonic friend without feeling the hurt of lost love between us?

Personally, I feel that I have forgiven him and is ready to move on with my life, with or without him as a friend. I wouldn't mind him as a friend also. Afterall, 12 years of relationship together, I doubt I would also be able to get him off my mind and the happy memories we had shared would still always be lingering on my mind forever. If we can't be husband & wife, boyfriend & girlfriend, we could might as well as be just friends, without any commitments or responsibilities to one another. I even feel that if one day I ever found out that he is seeing someone new, getting married or even invites me to their wedding, I would gladly oblige and be able to attend it without any hint of jealousy or hurt.

However, I know he wouldn't be able to do the same. I know he is also somehow hurting deep down inside that this relationship had to end in a divorce although he is the one who opted and suggested for divorce, it is just that he is too prideful and egoistic to admit it to anyone and even me (duh?). He is also unable to handle this friendship as he may not be able to accept this brand new, all natural me: more confident, more self-centred and much more out-spoken than before. For all I know, he has probably also found someone new and is unable to keep in contact with me, for fear that the new girlfriend would be jealous and sensitive. Most importantly, I doubt he is mature enough to accept me as a friend after divorce.

Hence, I totally respect his request for me to totally get out of his life and allow him to move on, just like Ivan, who couldn't accept my decision to get ROM 6 years ago. Guess, the guys I dated will never be matured enough to remain friends after a break-up or divorce. Period.

自恋狂

Narcissism is a term with a wide range of meanings, depending on whether it is used to describe a central concept of psychoanalytic theory, a mental illness, a social or cultural problem, or simply a personality trait. Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, "narcissism" usually is used to describe some kind of problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. In everyday speech, "narcissism" often means egoism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others. In psychology, the term is used to describe both normal self-love and unhealthy self-absorption due to a disturbance in the sense of self.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, it was historically called megalomania, and it is closely linked to egocentrism.