Forgiveness

During one of his inspirational talks, Nick Vujicic spoke on forgiveness on the hurt caused by those you know and those who you don't. He even apologized on behalf those who had caused hurt knowingly and those who caused hurt unknowingly.

This brought about self-reflection on my own life and heart:
- Have I really forgiven those who had hurt me?
- Have I really let go of those grudges especially when the hurt was done by the ones who were closed to me?
- Have I really come to terms and accept that the ones who had hurt me were just being human and being human equates to err?
- Have I really put down those stones of resentment that I was being hurt and harmed in one way or another?
- Have I really accepted the fact that my history sucked due to those had caused hurt to me?

Guess the true is, NO. As much as I wish to forgive those people who had hurt me, I can't. Perhaps I have accepted my history but I still can't accept the fact that I was hurt by those people, especially the ones whom I had loved and trusted dearly.

The worst is that those who were dear to me and had hurt me had never apologize for the hurt that have caused. They had reflected and realized that hurt and damage were done but they simply refused to apologize as they felt that I deserved it.

Forgiveness is a easy word to preach but a hard task to perform.
Forgiveness is much desired by me but also a challenge to let go of those hurts and bitterness.
I truly hope one day I would be able to proudly say I have forgiven those who I had failed to truly forgive in my life, this includes:
1) my own parents for being biased, not understanding me and being abusive physically when I was younger.
2) my cousins for being judgemental on me due their own parents' prejudice that I was a doomed failure in my own life.
3) my relatives who had despised me that I was a failure as I was unable to achieve good grades in school.
4) Mr Ivan Teng for destroying my impression of first love and misunderstanding me thinking that I was a flirt when the truth was I spiteful towards his hurt.
5) Mr Jeff Ng for failing me as a husband and even had the cheek that he didn't know what he was doing when he had signed on our marriage certificate.  As well as being verbally and emotionally abusive for the last 6 years of our relationship. 

I am no God but that doesn't make me any less a Christian. Perhaps one day, just one day,  I will be able to forgive. Perhaps I would bring these resentment up with me to heaven and ask God for the explanation to those hurts...

The Way You Walked Into My Life

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done
Now I can't go on without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.
I always thought I would stand on my own
Climb a mountain top all alone
Relying, depending on no one
Now look at what you've done
Now I can't go on without you

There will always be somethings that I won't understand

Heard from a colleague that she is having thoughts of divorcing her husband. She is same age as me but married with two kids: 6 and 2 years of age. Not sure how long her husband and her have been married but at least I know that she still has that tiny bit of love in him.

However, I am not sure what is the main issue of their marriage break-down. As much as I want to advise her against divorce but I am unable to do so as I have to keep the dark secret (that I am also divorcee). I wish to share with her that painful process of divorce, how demoralizing it can get being labelled a divorcee, how the society somehow still does stigmatized a divorced woman with/without kids and lastly, the process the divorce would be more draggy due to fighting for custody of her kids. Not to forget, the process of numerous visits to the lawyer's office to file the affidavit of divorce to the waiting for final judgement papers and how nerve wrecking the whole process can get.

I am anti-divorce unless there is a valid reason for divorce, for example, due to emotional/physical/mental abuse or infidelity. I have always been anti-divorce from the day I understood the meaning of love and marriage. That sentiments is even stronger after my own experience of going through a divorce.

Although after a divorce, my life is somehow better and happier, but still, the process and memories of the process I had to go through, just to get a divorce still haunts me. The feeling of being accused indignantly just to end the divorce process as swift as possible is still fresh in my memory and that affidavit, which accused me of being an unreasonable and impossible to tolerate woman, will be kept with me in black and white forever.

Really wish to advice her against divorce but yet, I have to maintain my silence in order to protect my identity...

Fine Line Between 'Refusal' and 'Tried Yet Unable'

Through these years,  my dad had always enforced on the difference between 'able to do something and refusal to do it' and 'unable to do something despite trying very hard to get it done'. However, I only witness and agree to this theory recently.

My ex-husband had me and had everything possible to maintain a happy + blissful marriage. But he chose to give it up for singlehood and selfishness. He had the perfect health to do almost anything and everything he wants, yet he chose to destroy it by being a passive smoker and drinking beer with his pals cum 'bros'. He had a woman who was willing to go through thick and thin with him, even bow down to his egoistic mannerisms, especially during times of arguments and yet he chose give her up as he couldn't see all her good points.

My fiance on the hand isnt that privileged to have a divorcee as his fiancee, especially when I am more defensive and sensitive towards any changes in attitude or behaviour, however, he understands it and puts in all possible effort to maintain this relationship, reinforces my trust in him, using practical actions to win me back after any disagreements. He also puts in effort to build a future with me, works hard to assure that I would have a better future with him.  Although, his skin abnormality hinders him due to social stigma, I can still he tries his best to overcome the odds and face it bravely. His path in life hasnt been easy but he doesn't give up, instead, he finds way to work things out maturely.

My close pal also faces something similar in her fiance. Her fiance is able to give her the bliss she desires but he is unwilling to do so due to selfish reasons and because he was inculcated from young to be independent as well as self-centred. However, he is willing to self-reflect on his mistakes and at least,  tries for short period of time to improve, only to revert back to the same behaviour soon enough. However, due to the essense of love still present in the both of them, the relationship is still working out quite fine.

As for me, I adopted an attitude to try my best only if that certain thing or someone is worth my effort. I am not gonna be the same submissive woman I was 2 years back. Sorry, once bitten twice shy. If you cheat me the first time , shame on you, however if you cheat me the second time,  shame on me. That is why I say my fiance is unfortunate. If he had met me 12 years ago and married me then, he would have the fortune of marrying a good wife. Then again, if he met me 12 years ago, would I have the same maturity as I have now, to look beyond his skin abnormality and fell in love with him? Good question, eh? And, if I had met him 12 years back, did he have the same mature attitude as he has now?

Songs Edited To My Feelings

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I had always wanted you
But I can't live a lie, running for my life
I had always wanted you
I came in like a rainbow
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away

Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
Now you have won and lost me
------------------------------------

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I moved on and survived pretty well without you
---------------------------------------
It is sad to realize that you thought that I would never find someone better than you and I did.
You must be banging your head on the wall in frustration knowing that I am still very much alive without you.
You should be totally blaming yourself for your high-egoistic pride getting in the way in any reconciliation and for letting me go.

I, on the other hand, am glad with my life, my freedom and my frequent travelling trips whenever free...
I must thank you for pushing me away and making me lose patience in you. Without your force to end the dreadful marriage, I wouldn't be experience the current joys as well as wonderful peaceful relationship that I am currently in.
I am truly grateful for your 'wake-up call' to make me realized that what a jerk and failure you are as a human, as a man and what a useless husband you make.
And... nope, I don't hate you as much as I did when we first ended the marriage, in fact, I feel that you have taught me a lesson to see what kind of shit you have given me and the number of lies that you have presented to me.

Another thing: for goodness sake, please be a man of your words and change your phone number. It has been a damnt bloody year since you have proclaimed that you want to move on and change your mobile number...
 

Trials and Tribulations

Do I always have to go through so much obstacles just to get what I want or wish for?
Does it always have to be so hard for me to achieve happiness and smoothness in life?
Is it always so difficult for me to be granted peace in my life?
Why does my life have to go through so much drastic changes for these past few years?
Where is the fairness of the world?
What happened to the justice and karma?
Who can furthur predict my future so I could be more or less prepared mentally for any furthur downfalls?
When will I experience ultimate, everlasting bliss again?

Wish that someone has the answers to the above questions...