A Chance No More

15 April 2012 is the day I walked out of Sengkang with ALL my belongings worthy of me retrieving. I left back all those wedding photos, ROM photos or anything that would remind of the bond I had once shared with him.
His mum and him were at home, but he simply refused to show any signs of last efforts trying to salvage this marriage. He had even stated plainly that he wanted me to remove all my items at one go so as not to disturb his family and his sleep. After saying that, he proceeded to his mum's room to continue his slumber.

Although, I won't say that I am totally ok emotionally, but I dare to say, I am feeling better and more emotionally stable.

I know that from now on, I have to fight an ugly and long battle, which may be very stressful for me: mentally, emotionally and financially. I am just thankful for close friends, close relatives and of course, most importantly,my parents for all their support so far for the past 2 days.

I have to admit that I have shed few drops of tears for the past 2 days but compared to previous times, when I had to endured through those rocky moments, these few drops of tears is nothing! Close friends knows how much I have cried, had my mental and emotional breakdowns and yet endured it all trying to uphold the covenant of this marriage. So when his last piercing and heartless words broke my heart on Friday night, my love for him has turned to disappointment, anger and feeling of betrayal. He had betrayed my trust to allow him to give me happiness, to love me and care for me like how a good husband would. He had disappointed my expectations that he would be responsible and appreciative husband for my efforts to carry out my duties of a loving and faithful wife.

This marriage has failed. My love life has always failed me.

Frankly, even if he miraculously does regret or wants to rectify this marriage, how can he gain back the broken trust. It took 6 years for me to entrust my happiness, my marriage life, my love and my belief in him before I agreed to marry him. Does he have the endurance and patience to prove to everyone around me that I can trust him again? Can he regain the trust and approval from my parents to allow him to take care and love their daughter whole-heartedly? Even if he can gain approval from my parents, can he rebuild the trust that was shattered by him, from me?

6 years to build my trust, at least another 12-18 years to regain the trust back... Can he endure and afford that time? Does he have that kind of patience? I doubt so, if he had those qualities, this marriage wouldn't end up with me doing all the mending of cracks while he does the breaking apart.

6 years of happiness, 9 months of happily-married phase followed by another nearly 6 years of painful emotional roller coaster ride, with happiness or sadness dependent on his mood.

I am no perfect woman, no saint. However, for me to be able to put up with his erratic mood and attitude towards me was no easy feat. I held on 'cause I had love in him, I held on 'cause I believe in the covenant of marriage and I held on 'cause of my ability to forgive him for his imperfections. For him to in the end of all I have done, he says that he has no love for me and all his intimate behaviour towards me was all out of fakeness and to please those around him. That is enough for me!

Maybe out there, there could be a woman can please him and accept him or even maybe change him. It is now none of my concern.

According to him, there is no man who can accept a wife like me. We'll see about that statement... Of course, I have my bad points and flaws, plus now, I am going to be known as a divorcee. Nobody is perfect, just remember that...

In the meantime, let me re-enjoy the goodness of pure singlehood. I have lost that feeling for the past 12 years...