Officially Decision Made

Finally, today we managed to talk calmly and amicably to conclude the end of this marriage. At last, we can settle our next step to end this marriage like matured adults. I am not angry anymore with him 'cause for once a long time he was handle this matter like a gentleman.

Yes, miracles doesn't happen in my context. We are heading for a divorce...

The only thing we have to work out now is the HDB flat we are due to possess soon. The options I have been given to ponder:
1) Walk off from all this, divorce, and he will pay me back in cash/cheque for whatever penalty that HDB has decided to penalize me. He would also be paying back whatever deposit I have forked out in cash/cheque.
2) Wait for 2 years, waiting for him to turn 35 years of age, to fully possess the flat as a single. Then, he would be paying me whatever CPF being deducted from me during the collection of key and the monthly installment. However, in the meantime, I would be legally still married to him but in real fact, we ain't an item anymore. He would also be getting his family to move over to the new flat and rent out their current flat until he is 35 years old, during this 2 years, I would also be earning half of what the rental cost of their flat as a form of compensation.
3) Wait for 5 years, waiting to sell off the flat back into the property market and earn whatever profit possible from the sales of the flat. However, in the meantime, I would be legally still married to him but in real fact, we ain't an item anymore. He would also be getting his family to move over to the new flat and rent out their current flat until 5 years later, when the flat is sold. As above, I would also be earning half of what the rental cost of their flat as a form of compensation. In this way, I would not only get back whatever I had forked out from my CPF for this flat but also the profit made from the sales of it.

Now the part I have to consider before I made my decision:
- Bearing in mind that the above (2) and (3) is actually illegal in HDB context and no lawyers would draft this agreement black and white, how am I to ensure that I can trust his words for the monthly compensation during the 'separation' period?
- Bearing in mind that the above (2) and (3) is actually illegal in HDB context and no lawyers would draft this agreement black and white, how am I to ensure that when the time is ripe to sell the flat in 5 years time, he would give me the profit equally as agreed and not turn tables to fight with me for a huger portion of profit?
- What happens if they can't rent out his parents' flat smoothly, do I have to suffer the setback of no 'compensation' for those months when no one rents the flat? How would I know they would be truthful that the flat hasn't been smoothly rented out and the charges for rent?
- What if in 5 years, property market crashes? I would have to end losing money or hold onto the flat longer before selling it for a reasonable amount of profit?
- Can I really wait for 2 years or 5 years? What if I really do meet someone else suitable for me?
- Can he really wait for 2 years or 5 years? What if he does meet someone else suitable for him and he wants to settle down by then? Although, he currently claims he wants to remain single and concentrate on building his career, but we all know when cupid strikes, love can't be avoided?

Any advises from people out there?

2 Weeks Has Passed...

2 weeks since I walked out on you and you haven't even bother to contact me. This just shows that you don't seem to treasure this marriage and me. This just shows that you are not interested in any form of reconciliation. This just proves my own gut feeling that you basically won't ask for me back due to your own pride or ego. This just proves to me that I am never important to you anymore. This just makes me even more determined to let go of you one day.

So, in this case, I hope you would tell your mum straight that there isn't any more hope that we would give this marriage another chance. The poor lady was asking me to give you another chance to salvage this failed marriage. She even tried to put in good words for you and told me how upset you have been for the past one week since I had walked out, in hope to make me soft-hearted. Your poor mum was hoping that you wouldn't be walking the same path as your brother did, she even told me to forgive you for those harsh words you had said to me in fit of anger. Thus, I hope one day you would tell your mum the truth on how much you have hurt me and why I had finally given up on salvaging this marriage. I hope you would tell her that you were the one who refused to contact me and attempt to reconcile this broken down marriage.

Currently, I have adapting back to life without you. Adapting back to life where I have no more commitments and need for much considerations for my actions or behaviors. Adapting back to a life which I have sacrificed for the past 12years because of you. Adapting back to a life where I am back to square one but more hurt than ever and with more difficulty trusting people or even myself in future.

I won't deny that I still do think of you and us in happier times, but I guess that is now over. The happy times are history now. Those touching words you to me in the past now means nothing to me, 'cause all vows made by you are all broken. Whatever you said about loving me so much and telling me how you would love me forever is nothing but just a lie to me now... If you love me, you won't let me go. If you love me, you won't say those hurtful words to me even in fit of anger. If you love me, you won't allow pride and ego hinder you from salvaging this marriage. If you really do love me, I wouldn't be so miserable and hateful towards you right this moment.

I hope God would one day convince me to forgive you and let go of the memories we had as a couple... In the meantime, I really do hate you and your guts right now...
Anyway, you only have another 2 weeks to make good of your words to serve me the divorce papers, otherwise, I would be the one who drops bomb on you...

Flying Away In 17 Days

I need a breather from my complicated life.
I need some time to re-consider my options.
I need to take a step back to see how much I still mean to you but since u have already removed your wedding band, in my eyes, u are near hopeless.
I need some space to evaluate how worthy you are of me and my future.
I need to some practical actions rather than just talking.

After 15 May 2012 and u will know if you are fit enough for me and my future. In the meanwhile, I just pray for you to be more matured, more decisive, more humane, less heartless and mostly importantly, I pray that God would be able to allow me to forgive you for all those hurts and grieve you have caused me over the years. To forgive you as a person who has erred and not as my husband.

By the way, I won't even expect you to know that I am overseas during that period of time to come, because I know you won't care even if I am dead or alive. That is just you! The world means nothing to you at all, 'cause in your eyes, 你目中无人...

To Him: Too Late 2 Apologize & Return Back

It has been a week since I walked out of my marriage. This week has been a eventful week, the impact of a failed marriage at the back of my mind, mixed with preparation for exams on Wednesday and, coupled with the fact that I have to maintain my composure and brave-front in front of family, colleagues, patients, parents and friends.
Of course, I am also enjoying my new founded freedom and lesser feeling of responsibilities to be fulfilled. I am also basking in the joy of spending more time with my parents and going on car-rides with my dad.

There has been people asking me what if he decides to do some soul-searching (at last!), feels apologetic about it and wants to come back to me, would I allow it to happen? Some people even asked me if I would forgive him and give him another last chance to rectify this failed marriage?
The truth is, the probability of turning back in remorse is like 0.01%, the chances of him 'waking up' to his mistake is very slim, so what more the chances of him asking me back to patch up the scars of this marriage?
I have known him for 12yrs and I have witnessed his drastic change in character for the past 6 years. He has now become a man I don't know anymore. He has changed into a man I wouldn't have married. He has become a selfish, egoistic and self-centred freak! He has morphed into a stubborn and immatured fool, unable to analyze what is good for him and what is expected of him if he wants to claim that he has matured into a real man. Honestly, the main reason why I stayed on throughout the last 6 years of this relationship was because I had married him and I firmly believed in the covenant + holiness of maintaining my marriage vows to him no matter what happens. I also prayed for a constant miracle that one day he would wake up, realized how much he had 'tortured' me mentally with his erratic behaviour and treat me better henceforth. But since, it has come to this stage, where he has claimed that he has lost the amount of love for me and that he shows no signs of appreciating my efforts to maintain this marriage, then it is time for me to give up trying and working hard at a marriage when one does all the mending while the other does all the destroying it furthur with all his hurtful words.
Ok, even if the 0.01% of his remorse does happen, even if he finally wishes to be a real + dedicated man/husband to me and he asks for reconciliation, firstly, can I trust him yet again to handle my future? Secondly, can he convince me to serve and care for him the way I did before? Thirdly, would my parents allow me to go back to him? Fourthly, do I have the courage to face another erratic behaviour out-burst from him again? Fifthly, is he worth me carrying all my stuff back to his place and losing my pride in front of his parents, brother and relatives? Afterall, this isn't the first time, he had mentioned 'divorce' and 'go separate ways' to me, and it also his first time, 'pushing' me back to my parents due to his own stubborn ways of being unable to compromise to my own flaws? (I admit I ain't perfect in character. But yet, my imperfections doesn't deserve me to be treated by him in the way he did. I am afterall still a woman, a human who has feelings and emotions.)
Moreover, when I went back on Tuesday to collect my items from his place, he has also removed his wedding band and picture memories of us during happier time from his wall. That is also how I know, his heart for me is dead. Thus, the chances of him asking for reconciliation is very slim...

Now my heart is prepared for divorce, I am just worried that he would make it more complicated by not agreeing for divorce on my terms. I am going ask for him to make all compensation for HDB's penalty for giving-up the flat and I am asking for a monthly alimony of $200. He has always taken the process of divorce lightly and taken my love for him for granted. Every time, we argue and he mentions divorce to me, I stay rooted for this marriage, out of love for him. Maybe, that is why he perceives me having no guts to walk away and hence, keeps mentioning it to me as a threat, knowing that I ultimately wouldn't divorce him.
I am just going give him until 15 May 2012 to serve me the papers of divorce and if the terms are acceptable in my opinion. But if I don't receive any papers from him by then, it would my turn to find a lawyer and serve him the papers on my terms...

This drama has just started. This long and painful road of divorce has just begun. Wish me luck!

错的人

你在流的泪，我早就已经流过
你所脱掉的戒指，我也早脱掉了
你所拿下的照片，我也早拿下了
你所忘的承诺，我还是记得。。。

所说我一定会比你幸福对吗？
那我为什么会流的泪水总是比你多？
那我为什么会感到受的委屈比你多？
那我为什么会觉得我比你所付出的感情比较多？

可能你忘了我的那一天，我还依然还没把你给忘了。这就是你所为的＂我会比你幸福＂。。。

Somebody I Used To Know - Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

A Chance No More

15 April 2012 is the day I walked out of Sengkang with ALL my belongings worthy of me retrieving. I left back all those wedding photos, ROM photos or anything that would remind of the bond I had once shared with him.
His mum and him were at home, but he simply refused to show any signs of last efforts trying to salvage this marriage. He had even stated plainly that he wanted me to remove all my items at one go so as not to disturb his family and his sleep. After saying that, he proceeded to his mum's room to continue his slumber.

Although, I won't say that I am totally ok emotionally, but I dare to say, I am feeling better and more emotionally stable.

I know that from now on, I have to fight an ugly and long battle, which may be very stressful for me: mentally, emotionally and financially. I am just thankful for close friends, close relatives and of course, most importantly,my parents for all their support so far for the past 2 days.

I have to admit that I have shed few drops of tears for the past 2 days but compared to previous times, when I had to endured through those rocky moments, these few drops of tears is nothing! Close friends knows how much I have cried, had my mental and emotional breakdowns and yet endured it all trying to uphold the covenant of this marriage. So when his last piercing and heartless words broke my heart on Friday night, my love for him has turned to disappointment, anger and feeling of betrayal. He had betrayed my trust to allow him to give me happiness, to love me and care for me like how a good husband would. He had disappointed my expectations that he would be responsible and appreciative husband for my efforts to carry out my duties of a loving and faithful wife.

This marriage has failed. My love life has always failed me.

Frankly, even if he miraculously does regret or wants to rectify this marriage, how can he gain back the broken trust. It took 6 years for me to entrust my happiness, my marriage life, my love and my belief in him before I agreed to marry him. Does he have the endurance and patience to prove to everyone around me that I can trust him again? Can he regain the trust and approval from my parents to allow him to take care and love their daughter whole-heartedly? Even if he can gain approval from my parents, can he rebuild the trust that was shattered by him, from me?

6 years to build my trust, at least another 12-18 years to regain the trust back... Can he endure and afford that time? Does he have that kind of patience? I doubt so, if he had those qualities, this marriage wouldn't end up with me doing all the mending of cracks while he does the breaking apart.

6 years of happiness, 9 months of happily-married phase followed by another nearly 6 years of painful emotional roller coaster ride, with happiness or sadness dependent on his mood.

I am no perfect woman, no saint. However, for me to be able to put up with his erratic mood and attitude towards me was no easy feat. I held on 'cause I had love in him, I held on 'cause I believe in the covenant of marriage and I held on 'cause of my ability to forgive him for his imperfections. For him to in the end of all I have done, he says that he has no love for me and all his intimate behaviour towards me was all out of fakeness and to please those around him. That is enough for me!

Maybe out there, there could be a woman can please him and accept him or even maybe change him. It is now none of my concern.

According to him, there is no man who can accept a wife like me. We'll see about that statement... Of course, I have my bad points and flaws, plus now, I am going to be known as a divorcee. Nobody is perfect, just remember that...

In the meantime, let me re-enjoy the goodness of pure singlehood. I have lost that feeling for the past 12 years...

Friday, the 13th of April 2012: The End

I guess enough was enough for both of us. This time, I walked out with pride, no tears at all, no feelings of heartbroken-ness, only anger. Anger of time wasted. Anger of feeling unappreciated.

Guess now, it is all over. All the hopes of a successful marriage with him has ended.

This Sunday, I would walk back into that dog-shit hole, to retrieve all my personal items and bid goodbye to that place for good. No more room for forgiveness. No more space for love towards him again. Even my parents has given up hope on him, knowing that I have harden my heart.

I walked out of this marriage knowing that I have tried my best, done my best as his wife, committed myself fully with no regrets.

Once things are more or less settled, I would:
1) change my Facebook pictures, deleting him from my memories
2) throw out all of the items that would remind me of him
3) slowly learn the art of forgiving him for this failed relationship
4) may choose to leave Singapore and work overseas, with better prospects

CW and Vanessa, I back in the club with you peeps! Singlehood...

So Far My Favourite Acapella Group

http://youtu.be/hOKuAigsrec

Random But True

"老公，你手机来电话啦！”
男：喂？
女：喂，你……吗？
男：是，你是谁？...
女：我是……
男：噢，你啊！找我有事吗？
女：你能出来一下吗？我在你们家外面的。

“去吧？老公我相信你”

女：喝茶吧！
男：什么事快说吧！这么晚了。我不放心我老婆一个人在家，她怕黑。
女：我离婚了！
男：为什么啊！你老公不是很爱你吗？
女：他这个混蛋，他背着我搞了小三，呜呜呜呜
男：好了，别伤心了，你还年轻，还有更好的等着你……
女：你恨我吗？
男：一切都过去了。我现在把你当朋友，没有什么恨不恨。
女：真的？
男：呵呵当然，我有和你说过谎吗？
女：你还爱我吗？
男：……爱
女：我们结婚吧，我一定会做一个贤妻良母。
男：我有妻子了，我和她上个星期刚领的结婚证，再过两个月就结婚了。
女：不是还没结婚吗？
男：不可以，她真的很爱我，我不能伤害她。
女：你不好意思我去说……
男：那也不行。
女：呜呜，为什么？
男：因为我是男人，所以不可以。
女：我想知道是具体为什么 你还爱我，而且我也还爱你，为什么就不能再一起？
男：你真想知道为什么？
女：嗯。
男：1：是一个人 ，我知道爱上一个人不容易更知道被伤后有多痛苦，所以我不能离开她。 2：之所以决定结婚是因为我决定了，这一辈选定她了，选定她就是我这辈子唯一的女人。不管以后说什么话都以不愧于她为标准，做什么事都以不背叛她为原则，不管以后我们遇见的是风还是雨，我都会站在最前面为她挡风挡雨。 3：她很爱我，她很傻，很善良 她不管做什么事都处处为我着想。 我今天来都是经过她的劝说我才来的，她相信我，相信我不会对不起她，她决定嫁给我，就是决定把她的一生给了我。 女人的一生是不允许被践踏的。 明白吗？
女：懂了……

“世界上有两种美，外在美：它能满足你的面子，但不定能给一生的幸福。 内在美：它虽然不能给足你面子但它一定能给你一生幸福，女人——……面子重要……还是幸福重要……”

女：做个朋友可以吗？
男：不要了，我不需要女朋友以外的女性朋友！
女：为什么？说理由
男：第一，没有共同语言，我平时玩的东西你们女孩子也不喜欢玩；第二，你满足不了我女朋友可以给我的需求；等三，我没时间和你逛街吃饭什么的，那是陪女朋友做的事；第四，我女朋友会吃醋。所以何必呢？

男人最骄傲的不是睡过多少女人，而是能有一个女人愿意让他睡一辈子。 女人最骄傲的不是拥有多少男人，而是她的男人愿意为他拒绝多少女人。

男人，要经得起诱惑！！！！！！
女人，要耐得起寂寞！！！！！！



TRUST IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE BEEN HURT OR BETRAYED BEFORE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Marriage According 2 A Marital Counsellor

Many therapists aren’t crazy about doing marital therapy. It’s complicated and messy, and it often feels out of control. In the worst case scenario, the therapist has front row seats to a regularly-scheduled prize fight. But I love to do marital therapy. Why? Maybe I enjoy the work because I keep one simple principle in mind: if marriage is going to work, it needs to become a contest to see which spouse is going to lose the most, and it needs to be a race that goes down to the wire.

When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three kinds of marriages. In the first kind of marriage, both spouses are competing to win, and it’s a duel to the death. Husbands and wives are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging from fists, to words, to silence. These are the marriages that destroy. Spouses destroy each other, and, in the process, they destroy the peace of their children. In fact, the destruction is so complete that research tells us it is better for children to have divorced parents than warring parents. These marriages account for most of the fifty percent of marriages that fail, and then some. The second kind of marriage is ripe with winning and losing, but the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse. These are the truly abusive marriages, the ones in which one spouse dominates, the other submits, and in the process, both husband and wife are stripped of their dignity. These are the marriages of addicts and enablers, tyrants and slaves, and they may be the saddest marriages of all.

But there is a third kind of marriage. The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other. These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.

And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.

Because we live in a culture in which losing is the enemy (except in Chicago, where Cubs fans have made it a way of life). We wake up to news stories about domestic disputes gone wrong. Really wrong. We go to workplaces where everyone is battling for the boss’s favor and the next promotion, or we stay at home where the battle for the Legos is just as fierce. Nightly, we watch the talking heads on the cable news networks, trying to win the battle of ideas, although sometimes they seem quite willing to settle for winning the battle of decibels. We fight to have the best stuff, in the best name brands, and when we finally look at each other at the end of the day, we fight, because we are trained to do nothing else. And, usually, we have been trained well. In the worst of cases, we grew up fighting for our very survival, both physically and emotionally. But even in the best of situations, we found ourselves trying to win the competition for our parents’ attention and approval, for our peers’ acceptance, and for the validating stamp of a world with one message: win. And, so, cultivating a marriage in which losing is the mutual norm becomes a radically counter-cultural act. To sit in the marital therapy room is to foment a rebellion.

What do the rebellious marriages look like? Lately, when my blood is bubbling, when I just know I’ve been misunderstood and neglected, and I’m ready to do just about anything to convince and win what I deserve, I try to remember a phone call we recently received from my son’s second grade teacher. She called us one day after school to tell us there had been an incident in gym class. After a fierce athletic competition, in which the prize was the privilege to leave the gym first, my son’s team had lost. The losers were standing by, grumbling and complaining about second-grade-versions of injustice, as the victors filed past. And that’s when my son started to clap. He clapped for the winners as they passed, with a big dopey grin on his face and a smile stretched from one ear of his heart to the other. His startled gym teacher quickly exhorted the rest of his team to follow suit. So, a bunch of second grade losers staged a rebellion, giving a rousing ovation for their victorious peers, and in doing so, embraced the fullness of what it can mean to be a loser. When I’m seething, I try to remember the heart of a boy, a heart that can lose graciously and reach out in affection to the victors.

In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heart ache rather than a solution. It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times. It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong. It’s doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego. It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is eliminating anything from your life, even the things you love, if they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving. It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place. It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway.

Maybe marriage, when it’s lived by two losers in a household culture of mutual surrender, is just the training we need to walk through this world—a world that wants to chew you up and spit you out—without the constant fear of getting the short end of the stick. Maybe we need to be formed in such a way that winning loses its glamour, that we can sacrifice the competition in favor of people. Maybe what we need, really, is to become a bunch of losers in a world that is being a torn apart by the competition to win. If we did that, maybe we’d be able to sleep a little easier at night, look our loved ones in the eyes, forgive and forget, and clap for the people around us.

I think that in a marriage of losers, a synergy happens and all of life can explode into a kind of rebellion that is brighter than the sun. The really good rebellions, the ones that last and make the world a better place, they are like that, aren’t they? They heal, they restore. They are big, and they shine like the sun. And, like the sun, their gravitational pull is almost irresistible.

Happy Birthday 2 My Husband

11th year celebrating your birthday with you.
Happy birthday... Hopefully when we awake in 12hrs time, the flu bug would go away from my body and your leg would have healed from the sprain you sustained.
If all goes well, we will have a mini seafood celebration for your dinner :)

Love you so much despite all the ups and downs you have made me go through, through these years...