I just had a mini disagreement with my husband 'cause I wished he could respect me more and be more accountable to me for his actions as well as whereabouts. I was upset that he came back past midnight reeking of smokers' cigarette smoke on his clothes and it stunk-up the whole room. I perfectly understand what passive smoking does to one's health and he has an history of
asthma, the last thing I need is a husband having an asthma attack on me or nursing a husband down with lung cancer later on in my life. It is painful enough losing my grandmother to cancer, I don't wish to lose anyone else closed to me to cancer ever. However, he also had own logic that it isn't pleasant to walk away from a friend or colleague when he/she starts smoking. But I rather he lose a friend than his health. So went to bed a hit unhappy and upset with one another. As usual, he doesn't see my point of health over friends and I don't see why he enjoys the company of such inconsiderate friends who wants to turn their friends into passive smokers...
Thus, out of exasperation, I prayed asking God, what He has to say to my argument with my husband and opened an iPhone app that I would always read before sleeping and this is what I got:
"Self-righteousness in marriage is when you wish your spouse would do things the way you want them to do it. We are not the standard when it comes to doing things right. Just because they do things differently doesn't mean it's wrong. Growth in marriage happens when we embrace the differences and learn from each other."
Wow! I hit the jackpot!
I guess, what He is trying to say to me to be more flexible in my opinions to my husband.
Sometimes, I really wonder why do I seem to have more marital issues than my other married friends? Why do I feel so upset being married at times as compared to others? Why do I feel so indignant about my married life? At times, I wonder if I had chosen the other 'him', would I be as upset as I am now?
Somehow, I had learnt some stuff from my mum and walked her similar path: tolerance of a husband, who doesn't seem to appreciate the goodness of having a wife who is willing to care for him, willing to stick with him through thick and thin, willing to love him with all her life, willing to tolerate all his egoistic nonsense and sacrifice so much just for him.
Not that I am saying my husband is a bad or irresponsible man but I do feel at times that he doesn't really bother or respect how I think or feel towards to things and matters. He tend to think that I kick up a fuss for nothing and label me as 'unreasonable' just because he can't understand my views and how upset I can get when he does things that differs from my ideal. Just like my dad, who thinks of my mum as being sensitive and unreasonable at times. But at least my dad knows how to give in to my mum, my husband doesn't, he only knows how to fight it out with me, making me more furious and angry.
Frankly, I have thought of leaving this all behind and walk out of his life. But it is my love and vow to him that keeps me from walking out of this marriage and relationship. Nearly 12years of relationship, how can I just walk away from it without feeling anything strong?
However, to my husband, he always think that am not leaving him because of my fear of being laughed or mocked at for being a divorcee by family member it friends or colleagues. See, difference of ideas again...
We have lost all that romantic and intimate gestures over the years... So much of these are gone that sometimes I also wonder why he is staying on in this marriage? Is it because of love for me or is it due to knowing that I take over the duties of his mum in caring for his laundry, cleanliness of room and being a near submissive wife...
Heart-broken. I feel that I have been taken for granted as his husband. I feel that I am replaceable in his life. I don't feel I am important to him. I think if one day I were to die in an accident, he won't even shed a tear for me. I think of one day I were to be diagnosed with stroke or cancer, he would leave me to fend for myself... I am so on my own...
About Me
- Mint + Bitter Chocolate = Heaven
- Just the blunt and honest me. Just someone who needs to air her inner most feelings and thoughts. Just a female who suffers from a crazy life journey, with lots of ups and down in her life. Just another moronic human being who wishes for peace and serenity in life one day.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Granny Came By
The presence of a big moth was made known only after I came home from work and was about to have my bath this evening in the toilet.
Based on superstition, a moth of this size is believed to be a dead relative visiting...
I am inclined to believe that this moth is my granny, 'cause I was the first to notice its presence and if it was my husband's granny, it would have made its presence known before I got home. Why choose me to reveal its presence? Why hide in the toilet? Why dare not to show it's presence in the living room with everyone (my husband, MIL and BIL there)?
Thus, conclusion is that the moth is my granny!!!
I am glad she came by to see me, to
spot-check on me perhaps... Maybe to see if I am ok. Maybe to visit me to assure me that she always around me. Maybe a sign to me that she misses me too. Maybe a hint that she knows I miss her too. Maybe she wants me to know that she is reincarnating soon. Maybe she is letting me know that she has heard my prayers... Anyhow, I am thankful for her visit, I am happy she came by to see me.
I really miss her so much... Last year, during this time, I still had her with me. Now, I dun have her anymore to shower her with my love and chat with...
Won't mind having her back with me... If God permits...
Based on superstition, a moth of this size is believed to be a dead relative visiting...
I am inclined to believe that this moth is my granny, 'cause I was the first to notice its presence and if it was my husband's granny, it would have made its presence known before I got home. Why choose me to reveal its presence? Why hide in the toilet? Why dare not to show it's presence in the living room with everyone (my husband, MIL and BIL there)?
Thus, conclusion is that the moth is my granny!!!
I am glad she came by to see me, to
spot-check on me perhaps... Maybe to see if I am ok. Maybe to visit me to assure me that she always around me. Maybe a sign to me that she misses me too. Maybe a hint that she knows I miss her too. Maybe she wants me to know that she is reincarnating soon. Maybe she is letting me know that she has heard my prayers... Anyhow, I am thankful for her visit, I am happy she came by to see me.
I really miss her so much... Last year, during this time, I still had her with me. Now, I dun have her anymore to shower her with my love and chat with...
Won't mind having her back with me... If God permits...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Jealousy = A Poisonous Substance In A Relationship
Mum and Dad had major argument last night... Mum caught dad with another woman running to board a bus.
The point was mum didn't witness them holding hands, hugging or behaving intimately, yet she is so mad and claims my dad had betrayed her.
Dad explained that they were catching the bus to attend a dinner, which my mum refused to attend as she was tired. Dad claimed (of course) that there is nothing between them. But the point is that mum claimed the woman was dressed seductively in spaghetti straps and is young + pretty, slightly older than me. Thus, no matter how dad tried to explain himself, mum totally shut out his explanation.
Now mum is asking for a separation leading to divorce for this matter. She suspects my dad is keeping this woman. But she has no evidence for her claims. She wants my dad to move out the matrimonial home and she also would find another place to stay while she intends to sale the matrimonial home and then spilt the money earned from the sales between my dad and her.
No matter how I tell mum that she has no evidence to accuse my dad of infidelity or betraying her trust, she still stubbornly insisting my dad is fooling around her back. She even claims just by witnessing this event today is a 'sign' from God that my dad is fooling around behind her back. So by witnessing the event this evening, as she puts it, is like God's arrangement and will for her to see the 'truth' of my dad's infidelity.
To be honest, I can understand how my mum feels, seeing her husband with another woman running for a bus together isn't one of most pleasant thing to handle emotionally. Although not hand in hand but good enough to trigger a jealous response. Which woman won't be jealous to see her husband with another woman in a pair, not in a group, especially for socializing purpose? Even I would be freaking annoyed... I would also be jumping mad and allow my mind to start running wild on how unfaithful my husband has been.
But, looking at it from another angle, there is actually nothing wrong. Firstly my mum was the one who said she didn't want to go for the dinner with my dad as she is tired. So my dad had to sort of find 'someone' to take my mum's place in order not to waste the ticket. Some more this dinner is organized by his Teochew clan itself as a bi-monthly organization dinner event. It is not like they were checking into a hotel room or behaving intimately. Plus this world is made of males and females, so can't expect your husband or wife to just mingle among the same sex of friends. Even while I work, although it is a gynecological ward, I have to mingle with male doctors to get work done, I still have to talk to patients' sons or husband or brothers. Even out of work life, I do have male friends, just that I don't go on one to one dates with them anymore after my Advanced Diploma studies. At that most, when I go out with those guys one to one, my conscience is also clear. I knew what I was doing, I behaved myself as per a married woman should. Thus, looking from this perspective, I think my mum is being overly sensitive and insecure. She has over-reacted a bit.
I guess after all said and done. It boils down to the word 'TRUST'. She doesn't trust my dad enough to believe his conscience is clear and my my dad has not done enough as her husband to reassure her of his faithfulness to her. I know trust has to be earned and not all woman can fully trust her husband. Take me for an example: I trust my husband not I never to fully trust him 100%. I admit that I have trusting issues too and have my own insecurities in my own marriage. But, I always try to keep a cool head even when female colleagues call my husband, when I hear female voices around him when i call him during lunch time, or when he works late frequently.
Just like my dad, my husband ain't one romantic guy, who believes in giving u any form of reassurance of his love and neither doesn't he perform romantic gestures as a prove of his love. You just got to believe in him and his faithful love towards you. You just got to psycho yourself that he has a major problem expressing himself and his love for you.
I know all these are easier said than done. But I sincerely hope this misunderstanding with clear up soon because I still believe love is present in their marriage. If there isn't love in the marriage, my mum wouldn't be jealous and so irate over seeing my dad with another woman. She won't be jealous that the woman is prettier, younger and even notice that she wearing spaghetti straps, jumping to conclusion that that woman is trying to entice my dad with her sexiness.
Seriously, if my dad wanted to have another woman out there, the whole family would have long found out about it and just remember '纸是包不住火'.. It wouldn't be so simple as just witnessing them running to catch a bus...
Haiz... I pray that this is all just a misunderstand and my mum would see the light for this matter soon.
Seeing her so mad also makes me reflect on my own level of jealousy and my own marriage. Jealousy = Poison, but Jealousy can also = love is still present between both parties.
Am I right?
The point was mum didn't witness them holding hands, hugging or behaving intimately, yet she is so mad and claims my dad had betrayed her.
Dad explained that they were catching the bus to attend a dinner, which my mum refused to attend as she was tired. Dad claimed (of course) that there is nothing between them. But the point is that mum claimed the woman was dressed seductively in spaghetti straps and is young + pretty, slightly older than me. Thus, no matter how dad tried to explain himself, mum totally shut out his explanation.
Now mum is asking for a separation leading to divorce for this matter. She suspects my dad is keeping this woman. But she has no evidence for her claims. She wants my dad to move out the matrimonial home and she also would find another place to stay while she intends to sale the matrimonial home and then spilt the money earned from the sales between my dad and her.
No matter how I tell mum that she has no evidence to accuse my dad of infidelity or betraying her trust, she still stubbornly insisting my dad is fooling around her back. She even claims just by witnessing this event today is a 'sign' from God that my dad is fooling around behind her back. So by witnessing the event this evening, as she puts it, is like God's arrangement and will for her to see the 'truth' of my dad's infidelity.
To be honest, I can understand how my mum feels, seeing her husband with another woman running for a bus together isn't one of most pleasant thing to handle emotionally. Although not hand in hand but good enough to trigger a jealous response. Which woman won't be jealous to see her husband with another woman in a pair, not in a group, especially for socializing purpose? Even I would be freaking annoyed... I would also be jumping mad and allow my mind to start running wild on how unfaithful my husband has been.
But, looking at it from another angle, there is actually nothing wrong. Firstly my mum was the one who said she didn't want to go for the dinner with my dad as she is tired. So my dad had to sort of find 'someone' to take my mum's place in order not to waste the ticket. Some more this dinner is organized by his Teochew clan itself as a bi-monthly organization dinner event. It is not like they were checking into a hotel room or behaving intimately. Plus this world is made of males and females, so can't expect your husband or wife to just mingle among the same sex of friends. Even while I work, although it is a gynecological ward, I have to mingle with male doctors to get work done, I still have to talk to patients' sons or husband or brothers. Even out of work life, I do have male friends, just that I don't go on one to one dates with them anymore after my Advanced Diploma studies. At that most, when I go out with those guys one to one, my conscience is also clear. I knew what I was doing, I behaved myself as per a married woman should. Thus, looking from this perspective, I think my mum is being overly sensitive and insecure. She has over-reacted a bit.
I guess after all said and done. It boils down to the word 'TRUST'. She doesn't trust my dad enough to believe his conscience is clear and my my dad has not done enough as her husband to reassure her of his faithfulness to her. I know trust has to be earned and not all woman can fully trust her husband. Take me for an example: I trust my husband not I never to fully trust him 100%. I admit that I have trusting issues too and have my own insecurities in my own marriage. But, I always try to keep a cool head even when female colleagues call my husband, when I hear female voices around him when i call him during lunch time, or when he works late frequently.
Just like my dad, my husband ain't one romantic guy, who believes in giving u any form of reassurance of his love and neither doesn't he perform romantic gestures as a prove of his love. You just got to believe in him and his faithful love towards you. You just got to psycho yourself that he has a major problem expressing himself and his love for you.
I know all these are easier said than done. But I sincerely hope this misunderstanding with clear up soon because I still believe love is present in their marriage. If there isn't love in the marriage, my mum wouldn't be jealous and so irate over seeing my dad with another woman. She won't be jealous that the woman is prettier, younger and even notice that she wearing spaghetti straps, jumping to conclusion that that woman is trying to entice my dad with her sexiness.
Seriously, if my dad wanted to have another woman out there, the whole family would have long found out about it and just remember '纸是包不住火'.. It wouldn't be so simple as just witnessing them running to catch a bus...
Haiz... I pray that this is all just a misunderstand and my mum would see the light for this matter soon.
Seeing her so mad also makes me reflect on my own level of jealousy and my own marriage. Jealousy = Poison, but Jealousy can also = love is still present between both parties.
Am I right?
Friday, March 16, 2012
Permanent Damage & Scarring
I still do think of him at times
I still do dream of him at times
I still do feel the pain that he left behind in my heart at times
I still do wish to see him again on the streets
I still do want to know that he is doing well
But does he think and feel the same way as do? I doubt so, I would think that he had probably forgotten who am I and forgotten my existence. After-all he was the one who broke my heart and left me wounded. After-all he was one who heartlessly moved on. After-all he was the one who told me to get lost out of his life. After-all, he was the one who chose to lose contact with me...
Haiz... Guess I will never forget him and will bring all these painful memories with me to my grave... Too ashamed to admit them in person and yet can't let my husband know how hurt I have been and still am after so long.
PS: But get one thing clear, I love him no more...
My husband is the most important man in my life now besides my dad. So never ever associate him as my lover or suspect that I still do love him!
I still do dream of him at times
I still do feel the pain that he left behind in my heart at times
I still do wish to see him again on the streets
I still do want to know that he is doing well
But does he think and feel the same way as do? I doubt so, I would think that he had probably forgotten who am I and forgotten my existence. After-all he was the one who broke my heart and left me wounded. After-all he was one who heartlessly moved on. After-all he was the one who told me to get lost out of his life. After-all, he was the one who chose to lose contact with me...
Haiz... Guess I will never forget him and will bring all these painful memories with me to my grave... Too ashamed to admit them in person and yet can't let my husband know how hurt I have been and still am after so long.
PS: But get one thing clear, I love him no more...
My husband is the most important man in my life now besides my dad. So never ever associate him as my lover or suspect that I still do love him!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Addicted 2 This Song Recently
不愛了(李玖哲)
你的不快樂
在心裡瀰漫著
我們怎麼了
你在逃避著
我在心疼著
是什麼在傷害著
讓美好都遺忘了
你是背對的
我是沉默的
我只好假裝
我已不愛了
催眠自己我們不適合
我放開你了
我已不愛了
說一個謊在離別時刻
就當作最後是我不愛了
關上門以後
就算愛你又如何
你快不快樂
過得是否好呢
我這樣想著
你在愛誰呢
誰在想你呢
是什麼在反覆著
讓回憶都翻起了
你是遙遠的
我是孤獨的
我只好假裝
我已不愛了
催眠自己我們不適合
我放開你了
我已不愛了
說一個謊在離別時刻
就當作最後是我不愛了
關上門以後
就算愛你又如何
是什麼在傷害著
讓美好都遺忘了
你是背對的
我是沉默的
我只好假裝
我已不愛了
催眠自己我們不適合
我放開你了
我已不愛了
說一個謊在離別時刻
就當作最後是我不愛了
關上門以後
就算愛你又如何
你的不快樂
在心裡瀰漫著
我們怎麼了
你在逃避著
我在心疼著
是什麼在傷害著
讓美好都遺忘了
你是背對的
我是沉默的
我只好假裝
我已不愛了
催眠自己我們不適合
我放開你了
我已不愛了
說一個謊在離別時刻
就當作最後是我不愛了
關上門以後
就算愛你又如何
你快不快樂
過得是否好呢
我這樣想著
你在愛誰呢
誰在想你呢
是什麼在反覆著
讓回憶都翻起了
你是遙遠的
我是孤獨的
我只好假裝
我已不愛了
催眠自己我們不適合
我放開你了
我已不愛了
說一個謊在離別時刻
就當作最後是我不愛了
關上門以後
就算愛你又如何
是什麼在傷害著
讓美好都遺忘了
你是背對的
我是沉默的
我只好假裝
我已不愛了
催眠自己我們不適合
我放開你了
我已不愛了
說一個謊在離別時刻
就當作最後是我不愛了
關上門以後
就算愛你又如何
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Different Perception of Love
When I was young teenager, I lived in the world believing that being loved by someone is much more important than loving someone. I perceived that I rather be the receiver rather than the giver. I had this perception that romance from the guy is much more important in proving his love for me. I believed that daily dose of saying 'I Love You', 'I Miss You', 'Don't leave me and I won't leave you', etc, was the judgement of love.
When I reached my late teenage years to early 20s, I changed my perception slightly. I begun to see peers manipulating that boyfriends and if he allows himself to be manipulated by the female, it is considered that he loves the girlfriend a lot. Of cause, I still believe in receiving love more than giving love out. It was crucial then that in order for a guy to prove his love got me, he has to treat me like a princess and dote on me dearly. Expensive gifts or expensive meals didn't really matter much to me, what was most important was that he does whatever I say as well as give in to my every single tantrums or requests.
During my mid-20s, I had the idea that love was about equally giving out and sharing of feelings. Giving me gifts became no longer a crucial measurement of love. Saying sweet-little-nothings were not quite useful in judging how much the guy loves me. I begun to judge him based on his attitude towards me, his actions when around me and his interest in my life, as as form of measurement on how much I mean to him in his life.
Now that I am reaching soon, a mundane lifestyle with him, without quarrels, peacefulness and stability is all the ask for. No need to say those mushy words, use purely your actions and behaviour is suffice to prove your love to me. Don't be an ego-maniac and I would be happy enough to believe that you love me. Don't bother buying me presents and later pick up an argument with me days later, ending the argument with a cold war. If you could humble your pride, I would be grateful enough to believe in your love for me...
Of course, I still crave for romance and physical affections but I guess, action speaks louder than words. It is useless that you say 'I love you' and yet flirt with other woman behind my back or buy me gifts and treat other women out there gently too or provide me physical affection but doing the same to other women also... In short, just let time prove your love for me and give me a stable + peaceful life and I would be extremely thankful for that.
When I reached my late teenage years to early 20s, I changed my perception slightly. I begun to see peers manipulating that boyfriends and if he allows himself to be manipulated by the female, it is considered that he loves the girlfriend a lot. Of cause, I still believe in receiving love more than giving love out. It was crucial then that in order for a guy to prove his love got me, he has to treat me like a princess and dote on me dearly. Expensive gifts or expensive meals didn't really matter much to me, what was most important was that he does whatever I say as well as give in to my every single tantrums or requests.
During my mid-20s, I had the idea that love was about equally giving out and sharing of feelings. Giving me gifts became no longer a crucial measurement of love. Saying sweet-little-nothings were not quite useful in judging how much the guy loves me. I begun to judge him based on his attitude towards me, his actions when around me and his interest in my life, as as form of measurement on how much I mean to him in his life.
Now that I am reaching soon, a mundane lifestyle with him, without quarrels, peacefulness and stability is all the ask for. No need to say those mushy words, use purely your actions and behaviour is suffice to prove your love to me. Don't be an ego-maniac and I would be happy enough to believe that you love me. Don't bother buying me presents and later pick up an argument with me days later, ending the argument with a cold war. If you could humble your pride, I would be grateful enough to believe in your love for me...
Of course, I still crave for romance and physical affections but I guess, action speaks louder than words. It is useless that you say 'I love you' and yet flirt with other woman behind my back or buy me gifts and treat other women out there gently too or provide me physical affection but doing the same to other women also... In short, just let time prove your love for me and give me a stable + peaceful life and I would be extremely thankful for that.
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