Time of The Year 2 Review Goals Set

Resolution/Wish for 2011:
1) I want to be promoted for SSN as I feel I am fully qualified with the relevant certification and experience. (I am still not promoted but was nominated for June 2012)
2) Earn more $$ and save more $$ for my love-nest in 2012. (Fulfilled only to be spending it on my degree program in 2012 instead)
3) Want to a more fulfilling & deeper marriage life and family life. (Goal met but not fully)
4) Learn to be more patient towards people who irritated me in 2010. (Still haven't managed to fully be more empathetic but made less enemies than friends in 2011)
5) God to bless those precious people around me & myself with great health and over-flowing happiness, let no one dear to me shed a single tear of pain, anger or sorrow... (Sadly, my year ended with much tears and missing of my granny who passed away from Stage 4 cancer just after 3 months of being diagnosed)

Run: Leona Lewis

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go, you´ve been the only thing that´s right
In all I´ve done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly doLight up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can´t raise your voice to say


PS: Ah Ma, I Miss You...

Fix You-Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

PS: Dearest Ah Ma, I hope when you were in pain and discomfort as the cancer progressed, I did as promised: I fixed you...

Christmas Wishlist

1. Granny to be safely in Heaven watching down on me and blessing the rest of the road I thread on.
2. A smooth night duty on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
3. God's grace to make my miracle wish come true.
4. A better and happier 2012 to come.

Reasons I Came Out With Why You Left Us So Soon

Reason 1: You knew that David was leaving Cheryl on 19 Dec for America to work on a long-term basis, so you were afraid that if you leave us then, Cheryl won't have anyone to 'support' her through the grief of losing you.

Reason 2: You were afraid that Cheryl may not be able to cope with a double whammy if you choose to pass away after David's departure to America.

Reason 3: You knew that Aunt Josephine has a Christmas party back in Hong Kong, which she is unable to cancel on the 17 Dec and you wanted to make it easier for her to plan her time.

Reason 4: You knew that your children were already near breaking-point of wrenching each other's neck due to your treatment plans as well as they already had many underlying, unresolved issues through out the years, just that they were maintaining peace on the surface to please you but yet try can't take it any longer.

Reason 5: You probably guessed as much that you were down with cancer, even though we tried to hide it from you. Thus, you could feel your body failing you day by day and you couldn't bear to suffer anymore.

Reason 6: You knew that I was torn between postponing my degree studies, juggling work and taking care of you when your condition deteriorates further but yet you drag on. You somehow knew that I wanted to do you proud and fulfill your wishes for me to be a degree graduate but yet I was worried of being unable to cope with multi-tasking and playing so many roles.

Reason 7: You basically fulfilled what God has planned for you and that you have earned your right to go back to Him.

Reason 8: You are content that those who truly loved and treasured you were already back to Singapore and by your side.

Missing Her...

It has been more than a week since my granny has passed away... Her body was cremated on Wednesday.

Her death has somemore impacted me a lot. Started fallling sick on Thursday until today. Fever, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting and tonsillitis.

There is an emptiness in my heart. It feels like someone has stabbed me in my heart and allowed me to bleed slowly. Although she had gave 'signals' to tell me that she is free from pain, free from any suffering and that she is happily settled now where-ever she is, I still feel the trauma of her sudden death and unexpectedly fast deterioration.

I miss her loads, going back to Jurong would never be the same. The empty room where she used to sleep would bring back much bitter-sweet memories... I know I would never really get over the sadness of losing her, but I am comforted that she has earned her rights to go back to the Lord and would be safe with Him...

Good bye Ah Ma

Dear Ah Ma,
You have left us on the morning of 10 Dec 2011.
May you rest in peace and may Angels guide you to your final destination in Heaven.
You will be dearly missed by me. How could I forget the happy times we had together and the smiles you had?
Please watch my road as I journey down the rest of my life and may we meet again when my time is due.
Love you lots...

Less Than Christmas

Brought granny to the polyclinic for a check on her blood levels and found out that she is going into what is known as 'septic shock' soon... Her white blood cell counts are increasing as compared to the results when she was discharged last week. She is also becoming increasingly drowsy, loss much appetite and has difficulties swallowing solid food now. Her liver mass is also enlarging causing her stomach and intestines to slow down in food digestion.

I wanted to know how much time do we have left with her and was informed that CNY would be a miracle. So I went on to ask the doctor, based on his experiences and professional judgement, if we have Christmas with her at least. He told me even Christmas would be a little 'stretchy'.

Mixed emotions. Happy for granny that she wouldn't need to suffer any much longer but yet sad + un-prepared to let her go. I am so going to miss her but I can't be selfish and allow her to suffer anymore discomfort or pain due to her cancer progression.

Anyway, I know that I have done my part and best as her grand-daughter and I have contributed lots to her care these few week, ever since she was diagnosed with cancer. I have no regrets of being her grand-daughter...

One of my aunt said she has a vibe that the death would be on 18 Dec 2011. So if we follow that vibe, I am left with 8 days to treasure moments with my granny but if we follow the doctor's prediction, I am left with 14 days to be with her...

Which ever it is... May angels guide her home to Heaven, where she may experience peace + comfort in her after-life. Amen.

Letting Her Go...

Dear Lord,
It really pains me to see my granny suffering and deteriorating each time I go visit her. She is getting worst weekly...

This week her limbs are swelling up and lymphatic fluid leaking out of her skin pores. Her legs are so swollen that she is having difficulties walking around and she is getting so weak that she even needs help sitting up on the bed from a lying position...
God, why do you make her suffer in such a way? Why can't u take her away without much sufferings? Although I would miss her but I rather u take her away with you to Heaven soon. I can't bear to see her in such sad state...
What wrong has she done that you want her to suffer in such a way? Why do you not answer my desperate prayers? From prayers for my marriage, to prayers for my granny, why do you not answer them? I am ready to let her go into your hands, I know I would lose her to you someday, but must u let suffer so much before you take her away to paradise?

Please, take her with you soon. Don't let her suffer any longer. Don't allow her to be such dreadful state. Don't allow her to deteriorate worst before you guide her into paradise. Don't make her journey to heaven to be so difficult. Please. I beg you. Amen.

Last Splurge of 2011

KK was having a branded bag sale and couldnt resist the temptation to buy one for myself as a reward for the crap + shit I have been through for 2011... :)