1st Gown Fitting

Did my 1st gown fitting today. Love my both gowns very much. Hopefully things would go smoothly from now until 10 May 2009.

Nelvin's Wedding Dinner

This picture was taken before we left my house for my BIL's wedding dinner. For the first time, I was attending a wedding dinner which I dread. I am glad it is all over... Had to 'act' happy and giving my congrats to the groom, my laws, bride and her parents. Although the dinner was nice, however the area was very cramp and small for 23 tables. The bride does look pretty tonight but still I can't see how I would be able to have her as part of my in laws. Anyways, I do wish my BIL all the best in this current marriage 'cause he does look very happy at the dinner, hopefully, this PRC is sincerely in love with him with no strings attached.
Finally, 21 Sept 2008 is over. However, I still hate September for all the unhappiness I have been through for the past 2 weeks. Although we have patched back to maintain the marriage, but we are still trying to mend the cracks and gaps it has left.

1st POD

We had a good chat last night and decided to give ourselves one more last chance to maintain this marriage. We also realized that our patience towards one another has been running low and it is time to see how much more we can compromise before exploding. Thus, divorce is still not out the question. It is like, one more last straw and that would be final decision.
I had also expressed my views on how this relationship as well as compromising to him has taken toll on my patience as well as my feelings for him. Thus, I gave him a piece of warning too: I also will make the first move to divorce him once my patience runs out. Made it clear to him that although I had made the mistake to raise hands on him but I still would have my own pride to uphold.
So let's see how things go from here. Of course, I still love him and won't want this marriage to end, however, if things just get too out of hand, I guess, divorcing is still the best option.

Judgement Day Tommorrow

Tomorrow I will be getting the answer which I dread most.
Wonder if I would be strong enough to accept the truth.
2 weeks and I think that I have built up enough strength to hear the truth.
But not sure if my heart and soul would still shatter at the moment of truth.
Haiz... I am NEVER ever going to fall in love again or ever get married again.

One Week From That Fateful Day

Life is so different when suddenly my handphone is so quiet for the whole day, no caring sms-es, no phone calls to ask where to meet for dinner and no one to care about how my day at work went.

Guess for the past 8 years, I have been so used to all these simple care and concerns until now when everything is gone, I feel so eliminated, lonely, helpless and uncared for.

For the past week, the daily comfort I get are from my patients whom managed to cheer me up with their positive comments about life, their praises on how good I have been a nurse to them, how they missed my joyful character while they are at home recovering post-chemotherapy and how they have seem to be better after each chemotherapy.

My parents, especially my mother, has been quite concern over the situation of my marriage and has been asking me for daily updates, which has nothing pleasant to talk about.

Life is currently is like heading for a downturn for me. Reading my Christianity books to seek 'refuge' in God's words and helping me to feel less upset...

Praying daily for the best for my marriage and for my life. Praying for a happier time for myself soon. Hate to be in this depressive state but I can't help it when I am suddenly left to wonder what my marriage holds. Few times this week, even while I am wearing my uniform, tears just wells up in my eyes, attempting to flow down my cheeks and I have to consciously pretend to be yawning to wipe them away. Deep down, my heart is wrenching with sadness and remorse but yet I have to pretend that I am ok with this emptiness. Can't afford to let anyone see me in such an upset state. I am such a disgrace to myself...

Alone...

He has finally let me know when my judgement day would be: 4th October 2008. He has not called or sms-ed me today. My handphone is also oddly very quiet. Feel so quiet today, doubt he will ever call me for the next few weeks. Looks like this time I had really hurt his ego and pride real bad with those slaps. Seems like he is ready to condemn me.

Anyway, consulted a superior's son who happens to be a lawyer and he said that if their is no legal issue for a divorce, the couple has to separated for at least 3yrs before divorce is finalized. However, if one party has a legal issue to divorce and has evidence for his/her allegation, the divorce is quite immediate, probably in few months time. He had also told me if my husband is the one who wants to divorce, he should be the one finding the lawyer and paying for all legal fees. I should not be paying a single cent as I am not the one who initiates divorce. Thus, it only needs one lawyer to settle the divorce and I need not find my own lawyer.

It sounds like I am more or less prepared to face a divorce from him, especially after the conversation we had last night which ended quite bitterly. Haiz, what to do? I had physically hit him, which I regret doing and is willing to try to change or at least control my aggressiveness. True, he had also verbally abused me but the most people I had related the story to supported that physical abuse is much worse than verbal abuse.

It seems like I am destined to be a total failure in the aspect of my love life. Perhaps, I am not fated to be married. Maybe, I am fated to be single and lonely for the rest of my life. So sad...

Wish that God could take me away from all this misery soon. It is painful to be like this daily, tearing automatically whenever I think of him and feeling this sense of lost as well as emptiness inside me. Feel so vulnerable right now...

I So Hate Myself & September

Already blogged on how I hated September and now one more list to be added on why I am so going hate this year's September. Yes, had a major argument with my husband and we are kiv going to opt for a divorce.

It is my fault too... Don't wish to blog furthur about what a major disaster error I had committed but definitely not adultery... Just too upset and mad at myself to speak or mention it for now... (read the previous post to get a rough idea.)

I so hate September 2008. In fact, I am starting to hate 2008. Every month has not been a happy month for me. Every month this year has/had something bad happened. Haiz...

Now I am left dangling aimless, uncertain of what my future holds for my marriage. I feel like a criminal awaiting the sentence of the judge after I had pleaded guilty for the crime that I had committed. That feeling total sucks big time!

Guess I ain't that heartless as I thought afterall. Guess I still do have some feelings for him afterall. Guess I am still this woman in love with him afterall. No wonder someone once said to me that 'love can make you and it can also break you'... Yes, I am not too shy to admit, I have been broken and shatter into piece just by love itself. I am a victim to the cruelty of love.

Divorce On The Way

Had a major arguement with my husband (or perhaps, ex-husband to be) and even fought it out with him. All thanks to his verbal abuse and insults to my self esteem that contributed to him getting few slaps across his face from me. If I had not counted wrongly, it would be around 5-7 slaps.
Tonight, we will be talking it out with my parents to see the fate of my marriage.
Actually was thinking that if we really do divorce. It could also be a kind of blessing for me:
- I can go back to my own singlehood life
- I regain my freedom to do whatever I want and like
- I can go back to my cigarettes
- I can go clubbing and drinking of cocktails with my friends
- I need not tolerate his sister in law from China
- I can shake off my responsibility as a wife to wash, iron his clothes as well as try my best to accomodate to his dinner 'menu'.
- I need not worry if I would offend him anymore
- All my worries about the marriage ending one day would be over...

In fact, at this moment in time, I am kind of looking forward to his decision to divorce and hopefully, my parents would be on my side. Life would be much better I guess. But who knows, perhaps when that decision is made, tears may roll down my face again in the silence of the night when I am alone in my own room or whenever I see happy, romantic couples.

In the meantime, let nature takes it course until the finally decision is being made.

Just a part of a song I heard today which reminds me of I will might feel once the decision is made:
Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

1 Sept 2008

The dates I am hating the most in Sept are:
14 Sept- My brother in law and that PRC ROM
21 Sept- My brother in law and that PRC customary wedding
How I wish the above dates would not come or even past quickly. Basically just cannot stand the fact that she will legally and customarily become my sister in law. I would not dare to wonder what other chaos she will bring with her after she has gotten her newly found status. Haiz... Life for me will get more miserable...

The dates however I am looking forward in Sept are:
28 Sept- My wedding gown first fitting and plus my trial make up
End Sept- Josephine's wedding gown fitting. She is such a beauty to admire... I would think she would look totally like a princess in her wedding gown. *envious* (Wish I would have half her beauty...)

Anyway, Happy Teachers' Day to those teachers out there... Hopefully you all would put more effort in cultivating our future generations to have less ah bengs and ah lians, plus kindly refine their behaviour as well as speech to have less vulgarities.