Judgement Day

I would get my judgement tonight. How many of you know what it feels like to be awaiting a judgement that means a death sentence? That is how I am feeling right now.
I have plead guilty to my mistake and now it is time for judgement on what will happen to me and my future.
Who doesn't make mistakes due to childish thoughts and moment of folly?
If you love someone enough, you would put their past mistakes behind and continue to accept to him/her.
If you love someone enough, you wouldn't use his/her past as your shield to gain the upperhand to make him/her miserable.
If you love someone enough, you would forgive him/her for the mistake made and look forward to a future with him/her.

On this Good Friday holiday, I would be given the judgement of my life and my future. Guess I should have this day coming when I committed that dreadful mistake. Guess this what most call retribution and karma. Well, since I have admitted to the mistake, I have to face whatever his decision may be. It is a make me or break me decision that I am awaiting. Such a sickening feeling in my heart...
If the decision he makes break me, I would have a hard time standing back on my both feet and if I ever make it back on my both feet, please remind me never to fall in love again. Remind me how painful it can be to love someone. Remind me how much torture it can be to love someone so deeply only to be let down time and time again.
My feelings now are all mixed up:
Sad that he doesn't love me enough to totally forgive me and live with me in happiness for the future.
Disappointed that I was promised a future on 10 May 2006 only to get it all crushed up nearly 2years later.
Anger that I was suffering unfairly for the past 1 year.
Contentment that at least I managed to be the wife of a man I love a lot although it took the mistake to realized how much my love for him can be.
Fear that he would be decision to break my heart apart only to regret it in the future or a decision to make me temporary happy only to break me again in the future.


May God bless my broken road and give me strength to accept whatever judgement I would be facing tonight...