Bye Bye Hair

Snipped off my long lock of hair yesterday. Found it useless to keep my long hair anyway as I am not going to be anywhere being a beautiful bride anytime soon. This year 10 May 2008 would be equally painful as 10 May 2009.
All dreams and hopes are dashed...

Thought of flying away from the dreaded 10 May 2008, don't wish to be reminded what that date was supposed mean for me. Don't wish to remember that date. Don't want that date to come by but it has to come so that it would over. Want to spend 10 May 2008 overseas... May want to go over to Melbourne to spend it with my 'sister' but yet don't wish to be a light-bulb as 10 May would be her bf's birthday... Perhaps, I would go somewhere else alone. Doubt that he would be going with me anyway.

I am living like a zombie for the past 2 weeks, tortured mentally and being so emotionally vulnerable. I hate this depressive state but can't help it. I am just so upset and feel so hopeless...

The Day Pigs Will Fly

The day that important man in my life says such nice things to me again would the day that pig will grow wings and fly, the moon would be square and that armageddeon would occur...
Life is getting from bad to worst now and I think I am totally not sure what to do and say to him. All I can do is to pray daily to God to bless and show me happiness in my marriage again...

As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don’t want to take responsibility for

I’m sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I’m sorry for the times that I had to go
I’m sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I’m sorry for the times I would neglect
I’m sorry for the times I disrespect
I’m sorry for the wrong things that I’ve done
I’m sorry I’m not always there for my son
I’m sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can’t sleep at night when I am not there
Because I am in the streets like everyday
Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can apologize for being wrong
Then it’s just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

Dead

I feel like a dead person walking pretending like I am ok.
People and patients said I slimmed down and lost some weight. (that's supposed to be good, rite?)
I eat one meal per day (provided if I am hungry and have the appetite to)
I sleep only around 3 hrs every night, only to wake up feeling lonely and scared.
My mood is only good when I am at work as I have to maintain optimal cheerfulness to encourage my patients and motivate them to get well soon.

I feel like a walking zombie...

Trapped

Our love died on the same day as He has died.
Hopefully, our love will rise again on the same day as He has rose from the cross.

I ain't as strong as I had imagined.
He aint't as weak as I had thought.

His personal issue has to be resolved and it aint as easy as I thought it to be.
One day the issue is not resolved, one more day of pain for me.

Love is just so painful.
That is why they say God's love is always very great and worthy of our respect.

God's love is just so unbelieveable.
He accepts our mistakes, forgives us, put our mistakes aside, never to use it as a defense for Himself to hurt us furthur.

I need His love and His mercy.
Yet, I have my own difficulties accepting His love.
I am such a failure...

I can only pray for the best in my marriage.
Hope He can grant me my prayers and let me happy once again...

Judgement Day

I would get my judgement tonight. How many of you know what it feels like to be awaiting a judgement that means a death sentence? That is how I am feeling right now.
I have plead guilty to my mistake and now it is time for judgement on what will happen to me and my future.
Who doesn't make mistakes due to childish thoughts and moment of folly?
If you love someone enough, you would put their past mistakes behind and continue to accept to him/her.
If you love someone enough, you wouldn't use his/her past as your shield to gain the upperhand to make him/her miserable.
If you love someone enough, you would forgive him/her for the mistake made and look forward to a future with him/her.

On this Good Friday holiday, I would be given the judgement of my life and my future. Guess I should have this day coming when I committed that dreadful mistake. Guess this what most call retribution and karma. Well, since I have admitted to the mistake, I have to face whatever his decision may be. It is a make me or break me decision that I am awaiting. Such a sickening feeling in my heart...
If the decision he makes break me, I would have a hard time standing back on my both feet and if I ever make it back on my both feet, please remind me never to fall in love again. Remind me how painful it can be to love someone. Remind me how much torture it can be to love someone so deeply only to be let down time and time again.
My feelings now are all mixed up:
Sad that he doesn't love me enough to totally forgive me and live with me in happiness for the future.
Disappointed that I was promised a future on 10 May 2006 only to get it all crushed up nearly 2years later.
Anger that I was suffering unfairly for the past 1 year.
Contentment that at least I managed to be the wife of a man I love a lot although it took the mistake to realized how much my love for him can be.
Fear that he would be decision to break my heart apart only to regret it in the future or a decision to make me temporary happy only to break me again in the future.


May God bless my broken road and give me strength to accept whatever judgement I would be facing tonight...

记 得

誰還記得　是誰先說永遠的愛我
以前的一句話　是我們以後的傷口
過了太久　沒人記得當初那些溫柔
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後
我們都忘了　這條路走了多久
心中是清楚的　有一天　有一天都會停的
讓時間說真話　雖然我也害怕
在天黑了以後　我們都不知道會不會有遺憾
誰還記得　是誰先說永遠的愛我
以前的一句話　是我們以後的傷口
過了太久　沒人記得當初那些溫柔
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後
我們都累了　卻沒辦法往回走
兩顆心都迷惑　怎麼說　怎麼說都沒有救
親愛的為什麼　也許你也不懂
兩個相愛的人　等對方先說找分開的理由
誰還記得愛情開始變化的時候
我和你的眼中　看見了不同的天空
走的太遠　終於走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我　要有兩個相反的夢
誰還記得　是誰先說永遠的愛我
以前的一句話　是我們以後的傷口
過了太久　沒人記得當初那些溫柔
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後
我和你手牽手　說要一起走到最後

Whatever I have to be do, has already been done.
Whatever needs to be done , has been done.
Whatever efforts that is needed to be put on, has already been put in.
I have tried my best to fulfill my duties.
I have tried given this relationship my best shot.
The rest is up to you...

Just A Silly Poem

十 四 岁 的 我 邓 着 他 ， 还 以 为 爱 着 他 我 的 世 界 会 更 良 好 。
十 五 岁 的 我 还 是 觉 得 郭 富 城 正 有 才 干 。
十 六 岁 的 我 爱 上 了 王 鸿 杰 也 把 他 当 成 我 未 来 的 老 公， 但 我 错 了 。
二 十 二 岁 那 年 ， 我 终 于 希 望 培 我 过 黄 金 年 华 的 源 就 是 他 。


PS: just wondering how many of you will understand and realize the real meaning of this stupid poem. hahaha......

I Am Not A Perfect Daughter In Law

1) I can't come home daily by 5pm to prepare dinner for my in laws and family as I have to work until 6pm at least. (Unlike her, who doesn't have to work at all, can spend as much time she likes cooking.)
2) My mouth ain't so sugar coated and I don't possess a glib tongue to talk my in laws to believe that I am a good daughter in law and that I respect them as much as I respect my own parents.
3) I can't be bothered to pretend that I am a virtuous daughter in law who can dote on them and to prove that I do love their son very much. (I don't see the point in trying to be fake and prove my love for their son 'cause as long as their son knows I love him a lot, that is good enough for me.)
4) I don't make it a conscious effort to try to socialize with my in laws or immediate in law family members just to make my existance known. (I rather have a lower profile then to be so fake and entertain people <-- I am not a clown.)
5) My behaviour and personality is not of some dainty, feminine person who only knows how to sit at home, eat, shit, sleep, watch tv, do cross-stitching and do household chores limited to my own room.
6) When asked to do strenous household work, I don't feign backaches and that I don't complain that it is strenous. I just hang on to those tireness and aches to do the housework I think I should do.
7) I can't spend my days 24/7 just to be with my in laws, I have my own parents and relatives in S'pore to be with and to quality spend time with.
8) I don't have the relevant knownledge in TCM (traditional chinese medicine) to educate them on what is the best types of herbs to brew for their different chronic conditions. I only can advise them on the western ways which their are the least interested in.
9) I don't act myself to someone who comes from a rich family background, don't work and still be able to buy stuff for my in laws. (at least, I know when I do buy stuff for my in laws, it comes direct from my own pocket and salary.)
10) I don't really have the energy and car to drive my in laws and in law's family around S'pore to buy or to shop for stuff they like every weekend.


I know I am incomparable to that PRC woman, but deep down in my heart I know, in the long run, I will make a better daughter in law than that PRC woman. Time will just prove hers and mine true character and by then, let's just see who is the better daughter in law.

Unkind Life

Why is everyone so happily in love, except me?
Why is everyone so blissfully married, except me?
Why does everyone has such healthy, loving relationship with their husband/boyfriend, except me?
Why does everyone has such fair compromising relationship with their wife/girlfriend, except me?
Why does everyone's husband/boyfriend so doting on their wife/girlfriend except mine?
Why does everyone's husband/boyfriend so loving towards their wives/girlfriend except mine?
Why does everyone's husband/boyfriend treat their wife/girlfriend with such TLC, except mine?



This world is so unfair towards me...
I am so jealous and envious of those ladies who have such nice, loving relationship with their boyfriends/husbands.
Perhaps, I am destined to be so miserable and a failure in love...
I am such a loser...
Happy Women's Day To Myself

Missing Her

I miss her laughter
I miss her joyous voice
I miss her warmth
I miss her naughty jokes
I miss her playfulness
I miss her sleepiness after Diphenhydramine is infused
I miss her blurness after the chemotherapy has end
I miss her snugly body sleeping in our chemo chair

Basically I miss everything about her.

I wished I had hugged her when I said goodbye to her last week, now I would never get the chance anymore.
I wished I had held her hand longer while she was lying in the hospital bed last week, now I would never be able to hold that pair of hands anymore.
I wished I had stayed with her slightly longer that day when I went to visit her in the ward but I was too shy as she had so many relatives around her.
I wished I had played with her more, now I will never be able to even hear a laughter anymore.

She has gone to Heaven to be with God, who would shower her with all His love and give her eternal happiness for she was a good soul.

Goodbye My Friend...

Helped in two seperate cases of one RTA as well as patient who fainted in the toilet, plus one bad and shocking news of a close friend cum patients 'made' my day...



Goodbye my friend... You have finished you fight with cancer and now have gone to Heaven to enjoy eternal happiness. May you rest in peace and I am glad to have fought this cancer with battle with you... I will always remember you, this cheerful and naughty patient.

Would You Be There For Me?

If I were blue, would you be there for me and whisper in my ears that's okay?

Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight and say you love me one more time?

If I feel good, would you slow dance with me and touch my lips with tender loving care?

Would you die for me, would you run with me and never look back?

Would you be there to love to be with me?

Would you swear that your love is always true?

Would you say that you'll always be the one, to take my breath away?

If I am away, would you stil think of me and wish that you could hold me now

Would you die for me?

Would you run with me all the way?

Would you be there to save my soul tonight?

Would you swear that your love is always true?

Would you say that you'll always be there to kiss my pain away?

Would you would be there for me...