What If Our Paths Crossed Again

During the course of years after my divorce, I had a few people and even myself asking this question: what if one day our paths crossed again? What would I do or what would happen?

Well, on a logical basis, I would quote you, "we would ignore one another and pretend that we never knew one another. Strangers once again."
However, on a reality basis, I may not know you but I do myself, that one thing for sure, that would be that you to spark an array of emotions in me, ranging from anger to sympathy. Anger that stemmed from what had happened between us that made me on verge of reaching breaking point of almost making me less worthy and near suicidal. Anger that I had misjudged us to be happily married and anger that I had wasted much of my patience as well as time on you with hopes that we would regain back those days of love we once shared.
I would also have sympathy on you as you walk with a limp, hopefully not that obvious to the plain eye to notice. The more limp your gait is, the more I would pity you for the karma served on my behalf.

Although, our lives are separated and completed with someone else as we have  remarried, I still do not wish to cross paths with you ever, especially not with my current husband and your new wife by our sides.

As my friend once said to me, if our fate has ended, we would never cross path again. I sincerely wish that to be true...

Another Surgery, Another Hospital Stay, Another Man

Just came back home after a 2 days hospitalization stay. As mentioned, 2019 hasn't been a good year for me. Dealing with lots of ups and downs for the past few months.

This time round of hospitalization and having my husband beside me majority of the time. He just good like that, simple man yet willing to sacrifice his business making and time just to be make sure I am fine post-operatively. For the next few days to weeks, I will be depending him to do daily wound dressings for me.

This hospitalization reminded me of my cyst surgery done more than a decade ago, I was cared for by a different guy. A guy whom I thought was going to be a good and devoted husband. A guy whom I decided to be with and thought we would grow old together, caring for one another until our death-bed. Another way, that aside. The main gist of this post is on the emotional self-reflection of comparison after being cared by two different man, at a different age gap. The feeling I had were comparatively different in such ways:
1) With my ex, I had that feeling of being touched by his care and sacrifices to shuttle between his army barrack to hospital on a daily basis. Staying overnight with me. With my current husband, I had that neutral feeling that it was an expected outcome that he should be there with me throughout the whole hospitalization, leaving me only to get his meals or to return back home to feed my cat.
2) With my ex, I had this warm and fuzzy feeling of love that he used his sacrificial actions to prove his doting nature. With my current husband, I feel this gratitude that he was always there, never leaving my side unnecessarily. I felt his support and tender nature that make me feel a form of affirmation that I didn't marry a wrong guy.
3) Although this time round my visitors were less, I still felt the concerned shown by my mother in-law. Her companionship in the hours after my surgery together with my husband was impeccably nice of her. She didn't have to spend her whole afternoon with me, she could have chose to go play mahjong with her own siblings or even stay home to read her online books, yet she chose to remain in the room with us and spend her time to ensure I was well supported.
4) Although I did feel miserable every night when the post-operative pain were the worse, my husband only slept when I slept. His sacrifice of sleep is something my ex couldn't do. In the eyes of my ex, sleep was his priority, I was never more important than his sleep hours. This for a fact is yet again, another reason for the feeling of self-reassurance that I didn't marry the wrong man.
5) As my ex was medically trained, he wasn't very on the ball learning how to take care of me post-operatively. My current husband took all trouble to learn how to do wound cleaning and dressing, which he knows is crucial for the my recovery. Even my surgeon praised him for his TLC (tender loving care) in performing the wound care procedure.

In conclusion, I do have some faith that I didn't marry the wrong man again... Hopefully this time, it wouldn't prove me otherwise again.

Hi God

Hi God & Jesus,
It is me.
I am writing to You once again. Do you know that since start of the Lunar Pig, every month You have been throwing lots of issues for me to settle? I may be strong but I am human still, and I do have my breaking point. I am afterall still a mortal, who has limits to how much I can tolerate and take in.
All the gossip kings are drowning me in their rumours and gossips about what they think, perceive and feel about me. Some baseless and coined due to their insecurities. I can't fight them directly due to their authority as well as position. Coupled with colleagues who are either too childish to handle feedbacks or not mentally stable to call the shots. Not to forget, the housing issues that have made my neighbour, her contractors and HDB involved when there isn't really an problem with my unit and flat. Plus, all health setback that you have put me through and now suffering in much pain with discomfort with my every movement, so much so that if I don't recover in time, I may have to consider a surgery to in order to be better.
Each time, I try to be strong, another obstacle or issues pops up to test my patience and willpower to go through 2019. I know that this year I have 烦太岁 but no need to be so harsh on me, please.
However, I must thank You for the supportive parents, husband and close friends that you have blessed me with throughout the past years, this year included. Of course, also appreciate You for letting me have nice in-laws who understands us and doesn't pressurize me and my husband in making decisions that we may regret. You let me undergo a divorce and in turn blessed me with a better husband than the previous guy.
I plead with you to please stop throwing me more things, my arms are pretty full and tired from carrying all the pressure of problems around me. Please let the rest of the year be more peaceful and a better environment for me.
I don't expect to witness karma on those who has harmed, hurt or done evil-doings to me, but I do hope You are keeping a record book and acting in justice on my behalf.
Currently too wounded physically and mentally to stand up and fight anymore.  Please stop all the challenges...
Thank you and Amen.

Don't Let Me Be The Last to Know

总是有人猜我们不会爱到老
我要自己听过就忘了
爱属于我们不愿受到干扰
只想平静用心感受相知的美好
别人怎么说难到你都听不到
是不是该相信你就好
如果说我幸福又有隐约的孤独
了解你吗还爱我吗越来越模糊
是谁爱得多谁又爱得少可以不比较
可是能不能别让我感觉你随时会逃
假如有一天在你心中有别的人比我更重要
告诉我千万别让我最后一个才知道

In the end, I am still the last to know.
In the end, I am still the one hurting while you probably are OK leading your own life.

A Bit of My Heart Chipped Again

To that Him:
Although I know that you walk with a limp after that accident that you got involved in, during our separation period and before the final divorce papers were served, but when my friend saw you and told me about it, a part of my heart went out to you.
Not sure if it was pity or just a bit of sympathy for you. I am pretty sure it was an accident but can't help thinking it is karma as well as a form of 'someone' getting back at you on my behalf, punishing you for the hurt that I felt and sense of helplessness that I went through.

When my friend told me that you were alone, I naturally asked myself where was your wife? I answered myself, maybe she wasn't even in town, or, maybe she and you didn't marry for love but for a PR-ship. Yet, I know you wouldn't do such nonsense of being made used for obtaining a PR-ship, it just isn't you. But maybe, I don't know you anymore like you don't know the new me, the new me which you would never accept nor get along with. Whatever it is, I wish you well. I wish we would never ever cross paths in life. I wish we will never need to meet again. I wish, in fact, that I never met you, loved you, married you and allow myself to be so vulnerable to you. You have brought me much negative feelings and heartaches, so much that those memories of you and your hurt are deeply etched in my mind.
Sure, I have moved on and remarried, so have you. Yet, I can't let go of the memories we shared and had together, the good and bad, the happy ones and hurtful ones too...
I may not know about you, if you do think about what we used to be, the memories of our better days in polytechnic and what we used to share: that simplicity of love, but I don't wish to know. I don't want to know that also do think of us. I don't want my heart to hurt more for us and you. Don't tell me. Don't bother.

不值得

我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你

我走了。。。

What It Takes For Me to Feel Happy & Blissful

In my own opinion happiness/Feeling Blissful is when:
1) Witnessing a 全家福 that includes my parents and husband, knowing that all 4 of us sincerely trying to get along despite all the character or physical flaws of one another. The acceptance of one another as part of the family is comforting.
2) Sitting beside my husband as he takes over the steering wheel of my father's car and drives down the highway of Malaysia.
3) Being overseas with my dad and husband in the same vehicle, chit-chating, joking and having meals in a day trip.
4) Having a meal with my parents and husband all at one table every alternate Sunday evening.
5) Joking and creating laughters with my parents in-laws over a simple statement.

Those things were dreams and hopes I had years ago. Now these are reality and I hope they stay the same for many more years to come.