Hi God

Hi God & Jesus,
It is me.
I am writing to You once again. Do you know that since start of the Lunar Pig, every month You have been throwing lots of issues for me to settle? I may be strong but I am human still, and I do have my breaking point. I am afterall still a mortal, who has limits to how much I can tolerate and take in.
All the gossip kings are drowning me in their rumours and gossips about what they think, perceive and feel about me. Some baseless and coined due to their insecurities. I can't fight them directly due to their authority as well as position. Coupled with colleagues who are either too childish to handle feedbacks or not mentally stable to call the shots. Not to forget, the housing issues that have made my neighbour, her contractors and HDB involved when there isn't really an problem with my unit and flat. Plus, all health setback that you have put me through and now suffering in much pain with discomfort with my every movement, so much so that if I don't recover in time, I may have to consider a surgery to in order to be better.
Each time, I try to be strong, another obstacle or issues pops up to test my patience and willpower to go through 2019. I know that this year I have 烦太岁 but no need to be so harsh on me, please.
However, I must thank You for the supportive parents, husband and close friends that you have blessed me with throughout the past years, this year included. Of course, also appreciate You for letting me have nice in-laws who understands us and doesn't pressurize me and my husband in making decisions that we may regret. You let me undergo a divorce and in turn blessed me with a better husband than the previous guy.
I plead with you to please stop throwing me more things, my arms are pretty full and tired from carrying all the pressure of problems around me. Please let the rest of the year be more peaceful and a better environment for me.
I don't expect to witness karma on those who has harmed, hurt or done evil-doings to me, but I do hope You are keeping a record book and acting in justice on my behalf.
Currently too wounded physically and mentally to stand up and fight anymore.  Please stop all the challenges...
Thank you and Amen.

Don't Let Me Be The Last to Know

总是有人猜我们不会爱到老
我要自己听过就忘了
爱属于我们不愿受到干扰
只想平静用心感受相知的美好
别人怎么说难到你都听不到
是不是该相信你就好
如果说我幸福又有隐约的孤独
了解你吗还爱我吗越来越模糊
是谁爱得多谁又爱得少可以不比较
可是能不能别让我感觉你随时会逃
假如有一天在你心中有别的人比我更重要
告诉我千万别让我最后一个才知道

In the end, I am still the last to know.
In the end, I am still the one hurting while you probably are OK leading your own life.

A Bit of My Heart Chipped Again

To that Him:
Although I know that you walk with a limp after that accident that you got involved in, during our separation period and before the final divorce papers were served, but when my friend saw you and told me about it, a part of my heart went out to you.
Not sure if it was pity or just a bit of sympathy for you. I am pretty sure it was an accident but can't help thinking it is karma as well as a form of 'someone' getting back at you on my behalf, punishing you for the hurt that I felt and sense of helplessness that I went through.

When my friend told me that you were alone, I naturally asked myself where was your wife? I answered myself, maybe she wasn't even in town, or, maybe she and you didn't marry for love but for a PR-ship. Yet, I know you wouldn't do such nonsense of being made used for obtaining a PR-ship, it just isn't you. But maybe, I don't know you anymore like you don't know the new me, the new me which you would never accept nor get along with. Whatever it is, I wish you well. I wish we would never ever cross paths in life. I wish we will never need to meet again. I wish, in fact, that I never met you, loved you, married you and allow myself to be so vulnerable to you. You have brought me much negative feelings and heartaches, so much that those memories of you and your hurt are deeply etched in my mind.
Sure, I have moved on and remarried, so have you. Yet, I can't let go of the memories we shared and had together, the good and bad, the happy ones and hurtful ones too...
I may not know about you, if you do think about what we used to be, the memories of our better days in polytechnic and what we used to share: that simplicity of love, but I don't wish to know. I don't want to know that also do think of us. I don't want my heart to hurt more for us and you. Don't tell me. Don't bother.

不值得

我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你

我走了。。。

What It Takes For Me to Feel Happy & Blissful

In my own opinion happiness/Feeling Blissful is when:
1) Witnessing a 全家福 that includes my parents and husband, knowing that all 4 of us sincerely trying to get along despite all the character or physical flaws of one another. The acceptance of one another as part of the family is comforting.
2) Sitting beside my husband as he takes over the steering wheel of my father's car and drives down the highway of Malaysia.
3) Being overseas with my dad and husband in the same vehicle, chit-chating, joking and having meals in a day trip.
4) Having a meal with my parents and husband all at one table every alternate Sunday evening.
5) Joking and creating laughters with my parents in-laws over a simple statement.

Those things were dreams and hopes I had years ago. Now these are reality and I hope they stay the same for many more years to come.

有一種悲傷留在我過往無法遺忘

有一種悲傷
是你的名字停留在我的過往
陪伴我呼吸
決定我微笑模樣
無法遺忘
有一種悲傷
是笑著與你分開
思念卻背對背張望
剩下倔強
剩下合照一張

Now that it is confirmed that we have both moved on to a new life without each other, wishing you have a more blissful marriage henceforth.

Now that it is evident that you have remarried, wishing you to be 比我们以前更幸福.

Although I still have constant reminders of what we used to be and used to have, 我会好好的过.

Although almost every corner of my daily life does bring about memories of us, I am reminded that without you, my life is much better.

But, you will always be a part of my pessimistic outlook and insecurity in life. You will always be the reason why I carry a pain in my heart.

As we start 2019 anew, I hope starting from 2019 onwards and knowing that we have both moved on well post-divorce, I would think of you less, releasing the deeply rooted feeling of unforgiveness that I have for you, as well as begin to attempt stop having evil-thoughts of witnessing your bad karma for everything you have put me through without an proper apology or satisfactory closure.

When Love is Gone and Replaced

愛都累了走了沒了
留下錐心的溫柔
除了它我什麼都沒有
當鋼琴在彈奏著
那麼應景的歌
我只聽見我哭了

夢都做了醒了散了
留下錐心的溫柔
你的吻餘溫都被沒收
好想緊緊抱著
卻是天涯之隔
錐心的溫柔瘋狂蔓延著

Perhaps our foundation wasn't build upon firmly. Neither was our love for each other strong enough to withstand the test of time, maturity and other avenues of interest.
Perhaps you just didn't understand the sanctity of a marriage and said your wedding vows for the sake of getting it over and done with, so that you could have your signature on the marriage certificate.
Perhaps we should have not progress on and be determined to get married when I went astray while you were at Taiwan. We should have broken off then.
Perhaps our lives would be better and we won't have wasted each others' youth, holding each other back from finding our own happiness.
Perhaps I should have more determined to let go of you, instead investing more feelings, commitments and love into our relationship.
Perhaps I should have left things the way it was and neglect whatever 面子 issues or gossips that I was worried about.

Either way, you have moved on your own way and I have too. You are preparing to get married again and I have already done so 3 years back. You have moved house and so have I. 我们互不相干了。