不知不觉以经过五年了

5 years has past. Hope you have been well. Hope you have found your own happiness and comfort. I believed you have probably moved on and probably even forgotten my existence. As much as I have move on in lift without you quite happily and comfortably, I still can't forgive nor forget the hurt as well as disappointment that you caused me. You gave me hope, you destroyed my own self-esteem for nothing. You made empty promises and vows only to break it.
I doubt I would be able to forgive you anyway, and moreover, you have never once apologized sincerely nor address the hurt that you have put me through. Menial monetary compensation was all you could do to appease me as a form of apology. Really f*** you!
Yes, I am still very much looking forward karma to catch up with you on my behalf and I am hopeful that I would get to watch you suffer, perhaps then I could and would bring myself to forgive you. I may be a Christian but that doesn't mean I can forgive you for your broken promises and vows, how much emotional abuse you put me through, all your bad gossips sessions with your mum behind my back is unknown and lastly, your final words of 'I don't love you anymore'.
Resolution will not be easy if one day you decide to settle or apologise. By the way, as much I wish for proper closure, I know you wouldn't be man enough or humble enough to do that. Your ego is too big to do such a thing 'cause, you always think you are right no matter what.

Pride VS Love

I have learnt to always choose pride over love. Love can betray you but your pride will always guard you.
I won't never allow another man to tear down my pride ever again. If he really treasure and cherish me, I has to give in to my pride and not attempt to over-rule mine.
Of course, I would also be mindful of his ego and pride as a man. I wouldn't bash him up un-necessarily in front of his family and friends. I shall leave any unhappiness to be settled when in private.

In my last failed marriage and relationship, especially towards the final few years, I had to lower myself as well as my pride to accommodate to his growing ego. I had to be submissive to his needs, wants and demands. That was the power of my love for him.

Currently, I am in a marriage with a guy who loves me more than I do love him. So I am cautious not to make the same mistake as I did to be submissive and allow him to rule over me, neither will I be overbearing towards him. So far, it is working out well and hopefully, it would last.

I Survived

Yesterday, I heard the news one of the ladies who came to confide in me for probable divorce is undergoing the process as the husband mentioned it. She was crushed and at lost. She mentioned that isn't as strong as she thought that she would be when the actual event happened. Honestly, I doubt anyone would be fully prepared for a divorce no matter how many premonitions one had or thoughts of being ready for the news.
I was brought back to years ago when I faced the same matter myself. The final straw, the final decision to agree to a divorce when he mentioned it and face the truth that the marriage had failed. I too, had many mental preparations that the marriage will end up in a divorce someday and how I had told myself to be strong when it happens. However, when faced with the real thing, I was angry, upset, bitter, sad and depressed. I asked myself how the world would view me, how the people around me will judge me as a divorcee, how my relatives would mock or belittle me for the predicament and what was the next course of actions I should take to 'hide' myself from the world. I remember, that I was due for night shift the following day and ended up taking leave from work for a day to stabilize my emotions.
I had many thoughts blaming myself, my ex-husband, my ex-husband's mother including the following:
- wasn't I good enough as a wife
- how could he be so heartless after 12 years of being together
- how could he betray the wedding vows we made
- how could his mum allowed such a thing to be said
- what was I going to be do now
- how do I carry on with life suddenly without a partner
- how can I face my own family, relatives, friends and colleagues as a divorcee
- where can I hide my face now
- what is the next course of action I should take
- what if he change his mind
- why has my efforts to salvage the marriage all gone to waste
There was one thing I was sure though, I was sure that I wasn't going to forgive him and return to the broken marriage, I was determined to start a life afresh without being constantly berated as well as emotionally brought down by him. I knew that I had to act strong and put a wall between me and others, especially those not close to me, to mask my own broken heart and mind. I knew that I could not let my parents worry too much of me or feel my pain.

Sure, I did contemplate the possibility of suicide, but somehow, being a Christian, I knew that it would be a big sin to commit suicide. It would also be a huge blow to my parents. What if the suicide had failed, I would putting my life in a worse state? Even if I succeed, I would be proving my ex-husband 'right' by his presumption that I would die without him in my life and that I can't live without him. So the option of suicide was out.

One month after the separation, I took a flight out of town to find myself and recollect my thoughts.

I came back from my trip all ready to fight for myself and settle the divorce head-on. I told myself that I had to do this final step for myself, for my own sanity as well as my own future. My ex-husband wasn't good for me.

The next few months leading up to the final papers being served to legalize the divorce was no doubt painful, tiring mentally, emotionally draining and I found myself always crying behind closed doors in my own room, sometimes, I would hide inside my cupboard, the darkness, to cry until my throat were burning dry.

Although, now I am remarried to someone much better than my ex-husband, that doesn't mean I don't remember the pain and sadness that I went through previously, neither does it mean that I am not haunted by my past failed marriage. It is a scar that I is deeply etched in my memories and heart. No one is and will be absolutely immune to a divorce unless the marriage wasn't build on love.

I hope the one day my blog would be able to help those undergoing divorce or divorcees, who are finding the strength to carry on living their life to feel that they were not alone in suffering the wounds of divorce.

Divorce Isn't Child's Play

This week 2 people I know have came up to me asking and seeking advice pertaining to divorce their spouses. One wanted to know the proceedings and how to go about settling a divorce that was mentioned by her husband. The other, sick and tired of her husband being the lesser man in the household, being irresponsible to work and help out in the housework as well as chores. However, after speaking to both of them, I realise that they still have feelings for their husbands. For one, her husband had mentioned the idea of divorce at every argument that she feels so hurt by his la k of commitment to work the marriage out. For the other, it is the sparks that had gone out and she no longer feels the importance of having a husband to support the family and kids. 

These ladies reminded me of my own divorce:
- How my ex-husband mentioned divorce at every disagreements, fights, quarrels and arguments
- How I felt that he had belittled the essence of marriage as well as the vows made.
- How I felt that the marriage was one-sided love.
- How I finally had enough of his threats and non-commitment to the marriage vows that I decided to grant his wish for a divorce.

The process of divorce sounds simple as finding a lawyer, signing of papers and waiting for the final judgement to dissolve the marriage under law. But, it isn't that easy on one's mental and emotional status. The numerous thoughts of betrayal, regrets of marrying him,  recollections happier times, anger of tolerance of his behaviour, the pain of facing society as a divorcee and the struggles to getting used to being alone again were the struggles of undergoing a divorce. The false front that I had to put up to public and people around me and the nights of tears while I am alone in bed.

Although, I have survived and moved on from my divorce, coming out stronger than I ever thought I could and would be, that doesn't mean I condone the decision of divorce unless there is a 3rd party involved or any form of abuse in the marriage.

Divorce isnt a game nor an escape route to marriage. However, sadly many have not tried their best to work out the marriage and feel that divorce is their only answer as well as solution to a marriage that had failed.

CNY 2017

Happy Lunar Year to all!
This is the 2nd CNY that I celebrated with my parents since I remarried and decided to make myself transparent to the nosy relatives for CNY gatherings. This is also the 2nd CNY that I attended my husband's side of CNY as a married couple.
Throughout all the gatherings and visitations that we went, many thoughts run through my mind as well as I had mixed feelings, which I didn't vocalized to my husband. However, most of my thoughts were positive. I felt lucky, loved, respected and well-supported by my husband, who accompanied me to my family gathering and making special visits to those relatives, who are dear and close to me. He didn't complain about how the long the drive was to Jurong East, neither did he get too upset that the schedule for his grandmother's place was delayed due to delays at my auntie's house for lunch. Of course, I had compared him to my ex-husband, who would have long given me a 'black face' or outwardly shown his displeasure, making me embarrassed and indirectly forcing me to cut short all my CNY visitations. My ex-husband won't even accompany me to go to friend's place for any events, what more CNY visitations?
Every time there is an event that I would prefer him to attend with me, he would oblige and be with me. I do the same for him too.
I am glad that I made the right choice in choosing my husband this time round. However, I always have this insecurity that history will repeat itself and he will change in the way the precious jerk did. Hence, I won't be complacent and be contented as the days goes by.
I am just thankful for every day that he doesn't morph into a bastard like my previous one did. Amen.

When Love Is Lost

Why is it that everything he does of late, irritates and annoys me?

That was a question which I failed to ask myself years ago? In fact, it was a recent question that I asked myself when I find myself laughing over my husband's mistakes or careless doings.

The answer to the above question is as straight-forward and blunt as because you no longer love him anymore, hence everything and anything he does annoys or makes you unable to see eye to eye with. It is true. I was constantly unhappy with my ex-husband's doing, even when he falls asleep, I was annoyed with the fact that he falls asleep so easily. I was so irritated with the mere fact that he goes out with friends, yet when he is in my presence, I felt was an 'extra' person whom I am supposed to tolerate, love, change, mould and pretend that I am happy with him.
When love has faded, you would find faults in practically everything he has does, says or behaves. I believe the same went for him. Perhaps, the mere existence of me in front of him also disgusted and repulsed him so much. No wonder his last sentence to me strike a chord in me: let's not pretend to love anymore 'cause I don't love you anymore.

Come to think of it, his words were indeed hurting to hear but it were words to release my penned up frustrations. They were words that indicated that it was my chance to leave my pathetic act of letting the world believe that the marriage was working. They were words to announce that I could walk away from that failing marriage and start my life anew. I need not repent any longer for two-timing him while he was serving his army training in Taiwan. I do not need to carry on tolerating his ego, verbal and psychological issues abuse. Those last words were said for me regain freedom.

The next 6 months of divorce proceedings (I do not deny) were although painful but yet, I enjoyed my freedom to meet new guys, travel without much cares and lastly, to regain confidence to step into a new relationship with the man I eventually married last year. The whole marriage and divorce made me realize many truths:
1) Love has to be the foundation of a marriage. Without it, there would not be trust, patience and tolerance.
2) A marriage needs two individuals to work to refuel the love gauge and keep the marriage alive.
3) Having kids doesn't equate to a stable marriage.
4) You don't need kids to tie a person down. If he/she is determined to leave, he/she would do so eventually even if he/she kids or no kids to consider.
5) Always make it a point to choose your spouse over anyone else. That is/was your marriage vow, to forsake all others for your spouse.
6) Never allow love to die. Once love is dead, it is time to move on and attempts to revive it would be harder than expected.
7) If you happen to fall in love someone else,  just leave and go with that someone else, 'cause love isn't present anymore with the latter.

I believe as past and as I grow older and wiser, I would have more realization of why my previous marriage was doomed for failure from the start. In the meantime, I should relax and enjoy my current marriage, continue to fuel it with love, hand in hand with my husband.

PS: I would still blog on and off. Less post means I have less troubles, events, or stress to release and to share. :)

Love Involves Two Actor/Actress

简单点说话的方式简单点
递进的情绪请省略
你又不是个演员
别设计那些情节

没意见我只想看看你怎么演
你难过的太表面像没天赋的演员
观众一眼能看见

该配合你演出的我演视而不见
在逼一个最爱你的人即兴表演
什么时候我们开始收起了底线
顺应时代的改变看那些拙劣的表演
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子才能延缓厌倦
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
才是考验

没意见 你想怎样我都随便
你演技也有限又不用说感言
分开就平淡些

该配合你演出的我演视而不见
别逼一个最爱你的人即兴表演
什么时候我们开始没有了底线
顺着别人的谎言被动就不显得可怜
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子才能配合出演
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
都有个期限

其实台下的观众就我一个
其实我也看出你有点不舍
场景也习惯我们来回拉扯
还计较着什么

其实说分不开的也不见得
其实感情最怕的就是拖着
越演到重场戏越哭不出了
是否还值得

该配合你演出的我尽力在表演
像情感节目里的嘉宾任人挑选
如果还能看出我有爱你的那面
请剪掉那些情节让我看上去体面
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
不在意的样子是我最后的表演
是因为爱你我才选择表演
这种成全

This song reminds me of us when all the love we had had died, when what we had left wasn't love, but rather the false-front to pretend the marriage and relationship was working. The time when we were left drained of making things work out just to preserve each other's pride and ego. We were like actor and actress acting that we were like any married couple going through a rough patch and trying to make things rosy on the outside but in fact, we were both miserable. We desperately wanted a way out of this marriage but none of us dared to make the divorce decision for the fear of repercussion, which none of us want to bear. While we were acting, we both sucked at it and the rest of our friends as well as family members could see we were unhappy and the rifts between us. The constant fights, quarrels and non-verbal cues gave away the clues that we were already on verge of going insane being married to each other.
Thankfully, none of us have to act now. We have freed ourselves from one another...