I Survived

Yesterday, I heard the news one of the ladies who came to confide in me for probable divorce is undergoing the process as the husband mentioned it. She was crushed and at lost. She mentioned that isn't as strong as she thought that she would be when the actual event happened. Honestly, I doubt anyone would be fully prepared for a divorce no matter how many premonitions one had or thoughts of being ready for the news.
I was brought back to years ago when I faced the same matter myself. The final straw, the final decision to agree to a divorce when he mentioned it and face the truth that the marriage had failed. I too, had many mental preparations that the marriage will end up in a divorce someday and how I had told myself to be strong when it happens. However, when faced with the real thing, I was angry, upset, bitter, sad and depressed. I asked myself how the world would view me, how the people around me will judge me as a divorcee, how my relatives would mock or belittle me for the predicament and what was the next course of actions I should take to 'hide' myself from the world. I remember, that I was due for night shift the following day and ended up taking leave from work for a day to stabilize my emotions.
I had many thoughts blaming myself, my ex-husband, my ex-husband's mother including the following:
- wasn't I good enough as a wife
- how could he be so heartless after 12 years of being together
- how could he betray the wedding vows we made
- how could his mum allowed such a thing to be said
- what was I going to be do now
- how do I carry on with life suddenly without a partner
- how can I face my own family, relatives, friends and colleagues as a divorcee
- where can I hide my face now
- what is the next course of action I should take
- what if he change his mind
- why has my efforts to salvage the marriage all gone to waste
There was one thing I was sure though, I was sure that I wasn't going to forgive him and return to the broken marriage, I was determined to start a life afresh without being constantly berated as well as emotionally brought down by him. I knew that I had to act strong and put a wall between me and others, especially those not close to me, to mask my own broken heart and mind. I knew that I could not let my parents worry too much of me or feel my pain.

Sure, I did contemplate the possibility of suicide, but somehow, being a Christian, I knew that it would be a big sin to commit suicide. It would also be a huge blow to my parents. What if the suicide had failed, I would putting my life in a worse state? Even if I succeed, I would be proving my ex-husband 'right' by his presumption that I would die without him in my life and that I can't live without him. So the option of suicide was out.

One month after the separation, I took a flight out of town to find myself and recollect my thoughts.

I came back from my trip all ready to fight for myself and settle the divorce head-on. I told myself that I had to do this final step for myself, for my own sanity as well as my own future. My ex-husband wasn't good for me.

The next few months leading up to the final papers being served to legalize the divorce was no doubt painful, tiring mentally, emotionally draining and I found myself always crying behind closed doors in my own room, sometimes, I would hide inside my cupboard, the darkness, to cry until my throat were burning dry.

Although, now I am remarried to someone much better than my ex-husband, that doesn't mean I don't remember the pain and sadness that I went through previously, neither does it mean that I am not haunted by my past failed marriage. It is a scar that I is deeply etched in my memories and heart. No one is and will be absolutely immune to a divorce unless the marriage wasn't build on love.

I hope the one day my blog would be able to help those undergoing divorce or divorcees, who are finding the strength to carry on living their life to feel that they were not alone in suffering the wounds of divorce.