After much consideration, I decided to let the wedding continue.
Reasons:
- Save our parents' and our face.
- He also loves me and also feels that he wants the wedding too as he still has that feelings for me.
- It is so near to the wedding date already, kind of too late to back-out or postpone.
- Lots of effort and cash has been pumped in for the wedding, so kind of wasted it is cancelled.
- Since, I was the one who created the mess years ago, I must live with the aftermath of it no matter what.
- Most importantly, we still do love each other. That should be sufficient enough to carry on the wedding.
Just like what one of friend said to me, as long as he loves u truly and still showers you will other forms of intimacy like kisses and hugs, sex ain't crucial.
I must be determine to prove that a sexless marriage will still be a fulfilling marriage.
About Me
- Mint + Bitter Chocolate = Heaven
- Just the blunt and honest me. Just someone who needs to air her inner most feelings and thoughts. Just a female who suffers from a crazy life journey, with lots of ups and down in her life. Just another moronic human being who wishes for peace and serenity in life one day.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I Need To Find Myself
After so many years being with him, I finally realized many things last night:
1) I have lost my original self of carefreeness, emotionally strong, fun-loving, risk taking and someone who can take stress easily.
2) I have been dependent on him for my daily dose of emotional support, love and companionship.
3) I have been living this love life a lie.
4) He is still stuck in the era of how I had almost chosen him over another guy years ago when before I had ROM-ed with him.
5) He can't get over the fact as stated above until he is handicapped sexually.
6) He doesn't love me as much as I thought he do as he had verbalized that he only loves me 70% and not 100%.
7) My marriage with him may or may not last and it would be a gamble that I have to take if I want to carry on with this wedding.
8) He actually can't bear to call off the wedding due to the amount of money he had already pumped in and because he feels that he still kind of want this relationship as he finds it a 'pity' to let it go.
9) If choose to marry him on 10 May 2009, I would have a marriage without a sexual relationship.
10) I need to be stronger emotionally and psychologically with deal with the battle of my failed love life yet again.
PS: I almost called off the wedding but withdrawn from that decision as I found myself emotionally not ready to handle whatever consequences thereafter. I also can't bear to tell my parents that I am walking into a marriage that is already doomed from the start. My love life has failed terribly yet again... On the day of my wedding, remember to shed a tear of sympathy for me while I carry on living a lie due to my own weakness.
I found myself unable to sleep last night and even if I did for a short while, I had nightmares of stress and uneasiness...
1) I have lost my original self of carefreeness, emotionally strong, fun-loving, risk taking and someone who can take stress easily.
2) I have been dependent on him for my daily dose of emotional support, love and companionship.
3) I have been living this love life a lie.
4) He is still stuck in the era of how I had almost chosen him over another guy years ago when before I had ROM-ed with him.
5) He can't get over the fact as stated above until he is handicapped sexually.
6) He doesn't love me as much as I thought he do as he had verbalized that he only loves me 70% and not 100%.
7) My marriage with him may or may not last and it would be a gamble that I have to take if I want to carry on with this wedding.
8) He actually can't bear to call off the wedding due to the amount of money he had already pumped in and because he feels that he still kind of want this relationship as he finds it a 'pity' to let it go.
9) If choose to marry him on 10 May 2009, I would have a marriage without a sexual relationship.
10) I need to be stronger emotionally and psychologically with deal with the battle of my failed love life yet again.
PS: I almost called off the wedding but withdrawn from that decision as I found myself emotionally not ready to handle whatever consequences thereafter. I also can't bear to tell my parents that I am walking into a marriage that is already doomed from the start. My love life has failed terribly yet again... On the day of my wedding, remember to shed a tear of sympathy for me while I carry on living a lie due to my own weakness.
I found myself unable to sleep last night and even if I did for a short while, I had nightmares of stress and uneasiness...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
No Progress
As my wedding date creeps nearer, nothing has been done... No progress. Wedding cards are not choosen, wedding favours, wedding dinner details not discussed and honeymoon destination or even of there is going to be a honeymoon are not planned. Asked him about these details and I am brushed off with a 'why so gan chong? still early?', 'got enough money for honeymoon meh?'. When the banquet representative from the country club calls to ask him when we would able to do down to choose the wedding cards and favours, his reply was 'next week lah. I am very tired.' Haiz... Why do I sense no form of enthusiasm from him? Isn't he as anxious and worried as me about the wedding? Is he really interested and willing to marry me as much as I am willing to marry him and looking forward to life with him?
Last evening, I was thinking about my worth to him? Am I just a secondary substitude to his work, PS games and arcade games? It seems to me, the only time that I do come to his mind is when he is done with his own things and is bored then that is the time when he comes looking for me.
At times, as I am reading self-improvement books or books regarding strengthening one's marriage or marital relationship, I get this feeling that I am the only one who is putting in effort in trying to maintain a strong marital relationshop. I don't know if he is even putting in any effort, 'cause I see or feel none.
Yes, he was there when I was sick and needed dinner. Yes, he was there when my PCOS pain came back and I was at A&E seeing the doctor. Yes, he is still with me at my house during the weekdays. Yes, we still do share the same bed. Yes, we still kiss, hold hands and hug at least once every two days. But, we are like a couple without a good, healthy sexual relationship, without much bonding, without romance like other couples.
That leads me to my next question... Does sex = true love? If no, when what is sex? If yes, does it mean he doesn't love me as much as I thought he does?
At times, I ask myself if I made a wrong move by signing on the marriage cert. at ROM. However, whenever I think of how much he has done for me so far, my heart waivers and I am touched by his small gestures. Then, I start thinking of how much of sexual aspect of the relationship that is lost along the way and I get into a dilemma yet again. I long for his 'touch' and the way he 'satisfies my sexual needs'... I am not desperate for any guys' touch, I only want his... That sometimes, just brings me close to tear that my simple yearnings are not met...
Why can't enjoy a healthy and good marriage like any other women? How different am I from other women that I do not deserve such simple pleasues of being married?
Hopefully, as I walk down the aisle on 10 May 2009, the tears that roll down my cheeks would be tears of joy, not tears of misery and sadness or pity for myself...
PS: After all the rantings, I still love him... Just only him...
Last evening, I was thinking about my worth to him? Am I just a secondary substitude to his work, PS games and arcade games? It seems to me, the only time that I do come to his mind is when he is done with his own things and is bored then that is the time when he comes looking for me.
At times, as I am reading self-improvement books or books regarding strengthening one's marriage or marital relationship, I get this feeling that I am the only one who is putting in effort in trying to maintain a strong marital relationshop. I don't know if he is even putting in any effort, 'cause I see or feel none.
Yes, he was there when I was sick and needed dinner. Yes, he was there when my PCOS pain came back and I was at A&E seeing the doctor. Yes, he is still with me at my house during the weekdays. Yes, we still do share the same bed. Yes, we still kiss, hold hands and hug at least once every two days. But, we are like a couple without a good, healthy sexual relationship, without much bonding, without romance like other couples.
That leads me to my next question... Does sex = true love? If no, when what is sex? If yes, does it mean he doesn't love me as much as I thought he does?
At times, I ask myself if I made a wrong move by signing on the marriage cert. at ROM. However, whenever I think of how much he has done for me so far, my heart waivers and I am touched by his small gestures. Then, I start thinking of how much of sexual aspect of the relationship that is lost along the way and I get into a dilemma yet again. I long for his 'touch' and the way he 'satisfies my sexual needs'... I am not desperate for any guys' touch, I only want his... That sometimes, just brings me close to tear that my simple yearnings are not met...
Why can't enjoy a healthy and good marriage like any other women? How different am I from other women that I do not deserve such simple pleasues of being married?
Hopefully, as I walk down the aisle on 10 May 2009, the tears that roll down my cheeks would be tears of joy, not tears of misery and sadness or pity for myself...
PS: After all the rantings, I still love him... Just only him...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
When You Tell Me That You Love Me
I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do
I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know whats beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
Ill make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
Im shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everythings easy now
I have you here
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
Ill make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
Im shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
Ill make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
Im shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
You love me
When you tell me that you love me
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do
I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know whats beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
Ill make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
Im shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everythings easy now
I have you here
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
Ill make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
Im shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
Ill make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
Im shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
You love me
When you tell me that you love me
Saturday, February 14, 2009
'Romantic' Valentine's Day
The flu bug loves and missed me so much that it has to pay me a visit on Valentine's Day, spoiling my mood. My 'big aunt' also visited me... So nice... Thus, I had to stay at home today, sneezing, clearing my throat, sleeping, taking meds and changing pads.
Hubby came with flowers and take-away food for dinner in the evening... Kind of feel sorry that we had to spend Valentine's day like that. So pathetic with packets of wanton noodles, almond jelly, liang teh and dessert was 'red ruby'.
Going to take my medicine and once the drowsy effect take place. Hopefully, we will have our proper Valentine Dinner soon... Haiz...
Friday, February 13, 2009
Easier Said Than Done
Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage
1. Never both be angry at the same time.
2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.
4. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.
5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
8. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner.
9. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.
10. It take two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.
Ten Rules for a Happy and Successful Husband
1. Show affection to your wife and be truly faithful to her.
2. Do not nag or abuse her; avoid prolonged arguments.
3. Always kiss and make up before retiring.
4. Compliment your wife liberally. It makes her a better cook and a finer companion.
5. Treat your wife occasionally to a dinner or a show or both.
6. Drink and eat moderately.
7. Plan your budget together.
8. Admit your mistakes with regret.
9. Keep your business problems and troubles where they belong.
10. Pray together and stay together.
Ten Rules for a Happy and Successful Wife
1. Avoid arguments. Your husband has his share from other sources.
2. Don't nag.
3. Don't drink or eat to excess.
4. If you offend your husband, always ask forgiveness before you retire.
5. Compliment your husband liberally. It makes him a better husband.
6. Budget wisely together. Live within your income.
7. Be sociable and go out with your husband.
8. Dress neatly and attractively for your husband, and keep your home clean and cheerful.
9. Keep your household troubles to yourself.
10. Pray together and stay together.
PS: We had an arguement one day before Valentines' Day, so looks like I would spend my Valentines' Day sulking, lonely, nursing a flu at home ALONE... Watever! What The Heck!
1. Never both be angry at the same time.
2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.
4. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.
5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
8. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner.
9. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.
10. It take two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.
Ten Rules for a Happy and Successful Husband
1. Show affection to your wife and be truly faithful to her.
2. Do not nag or abuse her; avoid prolonged arguments.
3. Always kiss and make up before retiring.
4. Compliment your wife liberally. It makes her a better cook and a finer companion.
5. Treat your wife occasionally to a dinner or a show or both.
6. Drink and eat moderately.
7. Plan your budget together.
8. Admit your mistakes with regret.
9. Keep your business problems and troubles where they belong.
10. Pray together and stay together.
Ten Rules for a Happy and Successful Wife
1. Avoid arguments. Your husband has his share from other sources.
2. Don't nag.
3. Don't drink or eat to excess.
4. If you offend your husband, always ask forgiveness before you retire.
5. Compliment your husband liberally. It makes him a better husband.
6. Budget wisely together. Live within your income.
7. Be sociable and go out with your husband.
8. Dress neatly and attractively for your husband, and keep your home clean and cheerful.
9. Keep your household troubles to yourself.
10. Pray together and stay together.
PS: We had an arguement one day before Valentines' Day, so looks like I would spend my Valentines' Day sulking, lonely, nursing a flu at home ALONE... Watever! What The Heck!
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