No Progress

As my wedding date creeps nearer, nothing has been done... No progress. Wedding cards are not choosen, wedding favours, wedding dinner details not discussed and honeymoon destination or even of there is going to be a honeymoon are not planned. Asked him about these details and I am brushed off with a 'why so gan chong? still early?', 'got enough money for honeymoon meh?'. When the banquet representative from the country club calls to ask him when we would able to do down to choose the wedding cards and favours, his reply was 'next week lah. I am very tired.' Haiz... Why do I sense no form of enthusiasm from him? Isn't he as anxious and worried as me about the wedding? Is he really interested and willing to marry me as much as I am willing to marry him and looking forward to life with him?

Last evening, I was thinking about my worth to him? Am I just a secondary substitude to his work, PS games and arcade games? It seems to me, the only time that I do come to his mind is when he is done with his own things and is bored then that is the time when he comes looking for me.

At times, as I am reading self-improvement books or books regarding strengthening one's marriage or marital relationship, I get this feeling that I am the only one who is putting in effort in trying to maintain a strong marital relationshop. I don't know if he is even putting in any effort, 'cause I see or feel none.

Yes, he was there when I was sick and needed dinner. Yes, he was there when my PCOS pain came back and I was at A&E seeing the doctor. Yes, he is still with me at my house during the weekdays. Yes, we still do share the same bed. Yes, we still kiss, hold hands and hug at least once every two days. But, we are like a couple without a good, healthy sexual relationship, without much bonding, without romance like other couples.

That leads me to my next question... Does sex = true love? If no, when what is sex? If yes, does it mean he doesn't love me as much as I thought he does?

At times, I ask myself if I made a wrong move by signing on the marriage cert. at ROM. However, whenever I think of how much he has done for me so far, my heart waivers and I am touched by his small gestures. Then, I start thinking of how much of sexual aspect of the relationship that is lost along the way and I get into a dilemma yet again. I long for his 'touch' and the way he 'satisfies my sexual needs'... I am not desperate for any guys' touch, I only want his... That sometimes, just brings me close to tear that my simple yearnings are not met...

Why can't enjoy a healthy and good marriage like any other women? How different am I from other women that I do not deserve such simple pleasues of being married?

Hopefully, as I walk down the aisle on 10 May 2009, the tears that roll down my cheeks would be tears of joy, not tears of misery and sadness or pity for myself...





PS: After all the rantings, I still love him... Just only him...