After so many years being with him, I finally realized many things last night:
1) I have lost my original self of carefreeness, emotionally strong, fun-loving, risk taking and someone who can take stress easily.
2) I have been dependent on him for my daily dose of emotional support, love and companionship.
3) I have been living this love life a lie.
4) He is still stuck in the era of how I had almost chosen him over another guy years ago when before I had ROM-ed with him.
5) He can't get over the fact as stated above until he is handicapped sexually.
6) He doesn't love me as much as I thought he do as he had verbalized that he only loves me 70% and not 100%.
7) My marriage with him may or may not last and it would be a gamble that I have to take if I want to carry on with this wedding.
8) He actually can't bear to call off the wedding due to the amount of money he had already pumped in and because he feels that he still kind of want this relationship as he finds it a 'pity' to let it go.
9) If choose to marry him on 10 May 2009, I would have a marriage without a sexual relationship.
10) I need to be stronger emotionally and psychologically with deal with the battle of my failed love life yet again.
PS: I almost called off the wedding but withdrawn from that decision as I found myself emotionally not ready to handle whatever consequences thereafter. I also can't bear to tell my parents that I am walking into a marriage that is already doomed from the start. My love life has failed terribly yet again... On the day of my wedding, remember to shed a tear of sympathy for me while I carry on living a lie due to my own weakness.
I found myself unable to sleep last night and even if I did for a short while, I had nightmares of stress and uneasiness...
About Me
- Mint + Bitter Chocolate = Heaven
- Just the blunt and honest me. Just someone who needs to air her inner most feelings and thoughts. Just a female who suffers from a crazy life journey, with lots of ups and down in her life. Just another moronic human being who wishes for peace and serenity in life one day.
1 comment:
girl, u got to do what is the best for urself and be strong! i don't know if i will still stick with him if he says he only loves me 70%and not 100%. it is not the correct mindset to be holding on to the relationship because it is a 'pity to let go'. if like that, ask urself, 'is it worth it?' If the answer is yes, ask 'is it worth it in the long run???' u have to love and treasure urself more. and ur husband has got to love u more than u love urself, if not equal. if he doesn't value u that much, he wouldn't be fit to be my 'jie-fu', least to say will be fit to be ur 'lao gong'.
u also know how to advise me when i lost him, but even though ur situation could be harder, u still got to live through. u can be tough and emotionally independent, just that u haven't realized it. u hven't realized it cuz u haven't even walked past the difficult stage. i am sure u are strong. u will be strong. u have to be strong.
ultimately the decision is urs. i will support u with whatever decision u make. but u got to be strong. i wouldn't shed a tear for u out of pity, for goodness sake!i will shed tears for happiness for weddings. and i'm sure u want the people who matters (esp ur parents!) shed happy tears for u, right?
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