算了 - I Never Really Mattered to You Anyway

只能怪这屋子太陈旧
还留着我们喝一半的红酒
就像那个时候我们一口一口
的聊聊曾经和以后
竟然感觉你也走了没多久

难免会相遇在老街口
还是并肩走只除了没牵手
你语气像是朋友自然的对我问候
我只是敷衍著点头
分开的时候勉强说一句保重

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你不曾在意的我还一直都记得
有些事越闪躲越说明了爱过
以为自己放了眼眶却又湿了

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你的拥抱曾是最温暖的角落
牵着的手放了走着的人散了
也许越用心的越能感觉痛了
只好算了

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你的拥抱曾是最温暖的角落
推开怀中的我像是某种解脱
心被回忆困着爱在心中铭刻
怎么算了

有为我的过去流泪了

Watched a YouTuber post-divorce video cum interview. Somehow felt their sadness, reluctance, pain and yet they still have some sort of love for each other despite the divorce. However, their love for each other is no longer the romance type of love but rather more of deep friendship type of love. During the interview, the male was more emotional than the female. Although, he didn't said much during the interview and the female was more dominant in speaking as well as answering the questions posted by fans, his tears were sufficient to see his hurt, raw emotions and how he truly felt of the divorce. Their divorce was nothing to do with 3rd party, it was due to they married too young, only to realized that they had matured seperately into two different paths targeting the same goal.

As watched the such shows or videos relating to divorce-matters or break-up, I can't help to be a little affected as well as reminded of my own wounds from a failed marriage. Perhaps also we got ourselves committed to each other too young, or maybe we also did move on to have different goals in life and pursued our own goals apart from one another, losing the initial spark in the relationship. Like the female said, once the spark the is lost, it is hard to find it back. The male added on to say that once you still procrastinating to honour any form of anniversary or Valentine's day celebrations, that is where the marriage will spiral downhill.

I also realized that marriage and divorce are getting more common in our society, it is like the value of a lifelong marriage is getting lesser than our parents' generation. I also believe that no one who truly loves each other would get married with intentions of planning on a divorce much later. Yet, the mention of divorce is so loosely used...

Anyway, I hope I am not the only one who would feels the same sentimentals and emotional whenever watching or coming across break-ups or divorces stories and shows or videos... Sigh. 

10 May...

Today is supposed to be our 20 years Pak-Thor anniversary, our 14 years ROM anniversary and 11 years Customary Wedding anniversary but nope, those are out of the window. Instead, today we have re-married and are living our lives very much apart. We have stopped salvaging the broken pieces between us 8 years ago. We were a month short of our anniversary date.

At this moment, let me be just honest. You will always be a part of my memory, a scar that you left forever etched in my heart and someone whom I once knew. However, I must say that my life now is definitely much better after leaving you. I am in a happier and more fulfilling marriage. I don't regret agreeing to the divorce as well as don't feel bad about you also remarrying. I am also no longer the same person you knew. Part of me don't wish to ever cross paths or meet you on the streets, yet part of me wishes that you witness that I am living well and fine without you.

Seriously, I don't give a hoot on whether you are happier without me, in a blissful marriage or not. Neither am I interested to know if you have changed in your beliefs, personality and mindset of things, nor do I wish to know if you regret mentioning the last straw statement that made me give up on you and the marriage/relationship that we once shared. Although I would like to have a truth on the rumours that you now walk with a limp after the fateful accident, which you did once tell me that occur during our separation period, I also rather not know the truth for fear that I may have sympathy on you.

Nothing will change my mindset of partial hatred I have toward you for hurting me the way you did. Yet, I don't fully blame you as I made some wrong decisions when I was your girlfriend then. But you still chose for us to reconcile and progressed to marriage, so I don't see why you would still bear the grudge. Your apologies on that doesn't make any sense to me. Your presumption that you could accept my mistakes enough to make me your wife, isn't valid when you mentioned that you eventually realized that you not accept the mistake made. Then, you went on to say that you didn't know the seriousness of signing on the dotted line of our marriage papers. What rubbish excuse is that?! I wished that you were listening to your lame reasons, making me feel like a fool being your wife back then.

However, I must also thank you for waking me up from my own denial that our marriage is actually doomed from the start. Plus, for making me realized that sometimes there isn't a need to go all out for a man who doesn't know how to love, cherish and treasure me as his wife. If you had said that sentence that ultimately made me determined to leave you, I would probably still suffering and being stuck in an aimless marriage with you, a sexless marriage. It could have been worse that I am on this circuit breaker, facing you 24/7 in our BTO flat, still trying to push my patience limit and challenge my mental sanity to live with you under one roof. So yes, I am grateful that we parted. I am thankful that we are divorced.

On this 10 May 2020, I hope you feel the same peace and bliss that we are no longer affiliated with one another as I do. And to the rest of the world who still thinks that I can't let go of my ex-husband, carry on thinking whatever you wish, my conscience is clear...

COVID-19: Thoughts on Life during Circuit Breaker

Circuit breaker period starting 7th April 2020 - 1st June 2020. Following drastic changes in lifestyle, economic and our society:

1) Petrol price is down worldwide except SG 

2) Many offices will remain closed throughout the CB period and will continue to operate fully on a work-from-home basis.

3) All schools abruptly moved online. School holiday start on 5 May.

4) Self-distancing measures on the rise.

5) Tape on the floors at stores to help distance customers (1 metre) from each other.

6) Takeaway only for all F&B

7) Limited number of people inside stores. Non-essential stores and businesses mandated to be closed.

9) Entire sports seasons cancelled.

10) Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled

11) Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled

12) No masses. All places of worship are closed.

13) No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, 10, and now no gatherings at all. Not even for extended family living apart. 

14) Children's outdoor play parks are closed.

15) Limited masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers all around the world.

16) Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill in other countries.

17) Panic buying sets in with shortage of disinfecting supplies, laundry soap, hand sanitiser. People also hoarding and buying toilet paper for whatever reason.

18) Shelves are bare. 

19) Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.

20) Government has safe distancing ambassadors checking and issuing fines. 

21) Airline tickets are cheap but we can't travel.

22) Daily updates by MOH. 

23) Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths. 

24) Barely anyone on the roads.

25) People wearing masks and gloves outside.

26) Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.

27) Our hardworking healthcare workers are afraid to go home to their families. 

28) For the safely, island wide of MacDonald advised to closed for operations.

29) "Flatten the curve" is a daily saying, along with "We are in this together," and "We heal as one".

30) This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared on March 18, 2020.

Due to the above changes, my husband and I had to miss our birthdays, ROM anniversary, weekday dinner dates, Sunday family day events and couple time is reduced. Financially we are adapting to a lower income due to lack of work-assignments.

However, guess I wouldn't want have this all Circuit Breaker being in my previous marriage, with my ex-husband and his family. Can't imagine that lifestyle of constant worries, emotionally being wrecked by his lack of concern, being stuck in an unhappy marriage and having frequent abusive arguments over the the most trivia issues. Don't to forget have in-laws who can't control their son, allowing him to be an irresponsible husband, mostly always on his side as well as constantly gossiping on the phone about all my negative traits like their son is an angel.

I am predicting even if we had moved out of his parents' home and to our BTO flat, being stuck in the same household with his sucky attitude also wouldn't do me any good and this marriage that was already unstable from the start, would also end. 

So I am indeed thankful I am in this Circuit Breaker with the right man as my husband, supportive in his own ways and we can work together as a team to compromise as well as lower our financial expectations, make adjustments and hopefully, tide over this period.

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa 

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa

有求必应，答谢神嗯，Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu...

37Year Old Amelia To 20Year Old Amelia

Hi Amelia, 

I am your future self. 

Firstly, I would like to send my regards and congrats to you that you have just graduated to be a full-fledged Registered Nurse, your childhood ambition since when you were 6 years old. It was quite a rough 3 years in Nursing course and you have finally gotten your Diploma. Well done to you! Don't ever let that passion of being a good nurse put out your fire. You would meet many nasty Nurse Managers and Higher Management in Nursing that would be your wet blanket. You would suffer from burnt out. You would question your decision to be nurse but ultimately, you would still prevail to be a good nurse one day. You would also realize your value of having the medical knowledge to advice, care and comfort your parents and beloved paternal grandmother in her times of sickness. Your mum would finally see the greatness that you are as a nurse in the family. You would be a blessing to those who appreciate your nursing skills, knowledge and expertise to remain calm in times of medical crisis. You would go on to be an Oncology Nurse with an advance diploma and finally a Bachelor of Science (Nursing). Nursing would be the path you don't regret ever stepping into. 

Secondly, at your tender age of 20, the world is your oyster. However, your heart is still unsettled. You will meet different guys who would flirt with you, court you and present themselves to be the best guy for you. Keep your heart open. The one who are currently with, will one day break your heart. He will break all his promises as well as vows made to you. He would be good for you for another few years before he gradually changed into a man whom you wouldn't enjoy being with. Don't commit your future on him, he will end up being your deepest sadness and leave you scarred. Be brave and don't commit yourself solely on him. I know you love him a lot now and he will show himself worthy of you but he would mature into a guy that you wish that you never knew. You are still young and wild. Let your heart be free and don't tie yourself down so early.

Thirdly, you may be better exploring Nursing in Australia, like some of your course-mates. Who knows, you may like working with Caucasians? Embarking on a new life and journey may changes lots of your course of life as well as experiences to make you into a stronger woman. However, fate has it that you will be fall and get hurt real bad. That experience alone would mould you into a stronger woman for yourself at age 28, coming 29. You will learn to fend for yourself, bravely fighting for your own freedom and survive the stigma that society placed on you.

Lastly, at age 36, coming 37, you will learn to love yourself more than anything else in the world. You will become a woman, who goes through lots of ordeals as well as setbacks, only to be stronger in character, more stubborn to purse your own happiness, even more determine to treasure your freedom to do whatever you wish as long as it is righteous and morally legal.

Until we meet again. Stay safe during this SARs period and you will go on to fight the Coronavirus...

爱自己更深

Came across this song from a friend's Instagram post and the lyrics is quite reflective of what I went through with my ex-husband. Actually all the tell-tale signs that this marriage wasn't going to last nor will be a blissful one were already there but I still went ahead with the wedding and even stayed in the marriage for the next 6 years. I could have chosen to annul the marriage as he started changing his behaviour and attitude towards me 9 months into the legal matrimony binding we had. 

(如果你真的打算不闻不问, 如果就这样 

放下我一个人 ) 

When we quarrelled or had a fight, he would not even bother to show any forms of concerns. Yet, he expects me to compromise to his 'headaches', 'tiredness' or 'need for sleep'. My well-being was never his top priority, even when I was sick, I was told that I have hands and legs to see doctor myself, thus, should handle myself. 

After our last fight, he also insisted that I leave his house for good at 1+am alone, and even went to lengths to chase me out by being spiteful. My safety to reach home or even get a cab were least of his concerns. His main concern was that I leave his place as soon as possible after the arguement so that he can have a good night's rest and sleep. 

(明天我学着自己消化伤痕, 成为更值得 懂得 被爱的人) 

After that last fight and with his statement of 'I don't love you anymore', I walked out and started to reflect on myself, realising that I was mostly left alone to fend for myself. He as my husband was never there for me when I needed him or his love. 

The moment I reached back to my parents'place and back to my own room, that was the time I knew that I had to learn to love myself again, to accept myself once more, to be strong for myself and face the divorce head on. 

(都怪我不愿相信你是坏人) 

During the downtimes of the marriage, my close friend had already seen through him and tell me that he wasn't a good husband for me, she even suggested that I leave him instead. However, I kept telling and deceiving myself that his behaviour as well as temper towards to me improve, I even defended him and his actions as stemming from stress of studying for his degree. 

(都怪我一厢情愿用情太深) 

All my tolerance and patience was a foolishness on my part. I had to keep asking myself to hold on tightly to my marriage as I love him a lot. I thought my love was good enough for him to see that I was the wife for him. I had so much to lookforward to with him: living together in our love nest of the BTO flat. 

There were also constant self-consolation of myself that our marriage would be better after we start living as a couple, away from our parents. 

(谢谢你终于让我恢复单身, 学会爱自己更深)

After the separation and divorce, I have learnt to take care of my own needs and wants first. I have learnt to treasure my own freedom. I have learnt to be more of a feminist, to love myself better.

To my ex-husband, 

If you are still following or read my blog secretly, I believe that I have crossed with your cousin on the night of Lunar New Year's eve. Although, I have forgotten his name and even took me an extended time recognizes him, until I found the glare and sulky face familiar, I am pretty sure he can testify that I am definetely in a happier place and relationship/partnership/marriage now. And yes, the man who was with me is my husband. Our lives may not be perfect, but we are happy together and complement one another. We have healthy arguments and no usage of vulgarities with none of any abusive behaviours or actions towards one another.

I do wish you well too as I know that you have also remarried a Thai-lady. May you be also genuinely happily married with her. May you both, complement one another too. 

Although, I still very much carry the pain, hurt and some hatred towards you, I do wish you all the best as well as may we never cross paths if possible...