爱自己更深

Came across this song from a friend's Instagram post and the lyrics is quite reflective of what I went through with my ex-husband. Actually all the tell-tale signs that this marriage wasn't going to last nor will be a blissful one were already there but I still went ahead with the wedding and even stayed in the marriage for the next 6 years. I could have chosen to annul the marriage as he started changing his behaviour and attitude towards me 9 months into the legal matrimony binding we had. 

(如果你真的打算不闻不问, 如果就这样 

放下我一个人 ) 

When we quarrelled or had a fight, he would not even bother to show any forms of concerns. Yet, he expects me to compromise to his 'headaches', 'tiredness' or 'need for sleep'. My well-being was never his top priority, even when I was sick, I was told that I have hands and legs to see doctor myself, thus, should handle myself. 

After our last fight, he also insisted that I leave his house for good at 1+am alone, and even went to lengths to chase me out by being spiteful. My safety to reach home or even get a cab were least of his concerns. His main concern was that I leave his place as soon as possible after the arguement so that he can have a good night's rest and sleep. 

(明天我学着自己消化伤痕, 成为更值得 懂得 被爱的人) 

After that last fight and with his statement of 'I don't love you anymore', I walked out and started to reflect on myself, realising that I was mostly left alone to fend for myself. He as my husband was never there for me when I needed him or his love. 

The moment I reached back to my parents'place and back to my own room, that was the time I knew that I had to learn to love myself again, to accept myself once more, to be strong for myself and face the divorce head on. 

(都怪我不愿相信你是坏人) 

During the downtimes of the marriage, my close friend had already seen through him and tell me that he wasn't a good husband for me, she even suggested that I leave him instead. However, I kept telling and deceiving myself that his behaviour as well as temper towards to me improve, I even defended him and his actions as stemming from stress of studying for his degree. 

(都怪我一厢情愿用情太深) 

All my tolerance and patience was a foolishness on my part. I had to keep asking myself to hold on tightly to my marriage as I love him a lot. I thought my love was good enough for him to see that I was the wife for him. I had so much to lookforward to with him: living together in our love nest of the BTO flat. 

There were also constant self-consolation of myself that our marriage would be better after we start living as a couple, away from our parents. 

(谢谢你终于让我恢复单身, 学会爱自己更深)

After the separation and divorce, I have learnt to take care of my own needs and wants first. I have learnt to treasure my own freedom. I have learnt to be more of a feminist, to love myself better.

To my ex-husband, 

If you are still following or read my blog secretly, I believe that I have crossed with your cousin on the night of Lunar New Year's eve. Although, I have forgotten his name and even took me an extended time recognizes him, until I found the glare and sulky face familiar, I am pretty sure he can testify that I am definetely in a happier place and relationship/partnership/marriage now. And yes, the man who was with me is my husband. Our lives may not be perfect, but we are happy together and complement one another. We have healthy arguments and no usage of vulgarities with none of any abusive behaviours or actions towards one another.

I do wish you well too as I know that you have also remarried a Thai-lady. May you be also genuinely happily married with her. May you both, complement one another too. 

Although, I still very much carry the pain, hurt and some hatred towards you, I do wish you all the best as well as may we never cross paths if possible...