Goodbye 2012...

3 days to end of 2012. The time of the year to evaluate my life for past year has come again...

For those who knows me a personal level, will know that 2012 wasn't a fantastic year for me and to say it was average year would also be a bit too far-fetched. In fact, 2012 was a bad and horrid year for me: too much struggles and painful events that scarred me for life. 2012 left me battled and bruised.

Negative memories of 2012:
1) Exams
2) Assignments
3) Arguments with the man I used to love
4) The end of my 6 years marriage
5) The end of my 12 years relationship with 'him'
6) Divorce settlement
7) Juggling my personal life, studies, work and bereavement of my granny

Positive memories of 2012:
1) Managed to regain freedom and enjoyed not being tied down or having the need to answer to anyone for my actions, except towards myself
2) Learned to appreciate Moscato drinks
3) Travelled overseas to de-stress every 2-3mths once since April
4) Found someone new after 'him'
5) Given a new role at work, thus, more work-fulfillment

Goals for 2013:
1) Graduate and get my degree conferment
2) Achieve my long awaited promotion to SSN (have been delayed this year due to my poor work performance as a results of coping emotionally during my initial divorce period)
3) Get my parents' approval for my new boyfriend
4) Travel to Sydney/Perth during May and Edinburgh in winter ($$$$$$$)

Doubt I would be blogging anymore until I am back from my holiday next year. So here wishing all my blog readers a 'HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HOPE 2013 WOULD BE A BETTER YEAR FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!'
Till 2013 then, ciao!

21.12.2012: Apocalypse

Much hype about today being doomsday. But I am still alive and the world hasn't ended. In fact, my world hasn't collapse on me (yet).

Just another false alarm, yet again...

When will the actual armageddon? Can everyone stop speculating and announce the actual date and time?

But seriously, if the world is gonna end, I would like to spend my last few moments in peace and solitude, listening to music, with no one to disturb me or for me to miss. I rather meditate my last few minutes away than to spend it cherishing it with my loved ones. Sounds cruel or heartless but I guess, since the day I was born, I was destined to be the only child, only girl for my parents and I have been alone mostly to fend myself. My parents has brought me up well to be independent and self-reliant. So when the time for me to go, I rather go back to God in silence and solitude. No one to hold me back or make me reluctant to let go of worldly matters...

Now, can someone tell me the truth to when the world will end?

Life Goes On

I am good
I am well
I am happy
I am free
I am single
I am ready
I am fearless
I am me
I am Amelia


Reading through my past blog posts since the start of this blog has made me realize all the wide range of emotions I had to go through just to maintain my marriage, which had failed in the end. The frequency of events causing pain, sadness, anguish, anger, helplessness, exasperation and disappointment was more as compared to happy events.
As I read the post, it is true that being married to him was akin to being on a roller coaster ride: never knowing what to downfalls I would have to go through and moments of being on the top or even remaining on a flat surface was so minimal.
Perhaps, afterall, I was right. He may have had a 3rd party or perhaps the love just died, or maybe, it wasn't even love in the first place. For all know, this whole love thing was one-sided. The gullible me, who couldn't see it from the start. The blinded and fooled by love me, had failed to realize that this marriage was doomed from the start.
12 years wasted on him just like that! Wasted my youth on him. If was lucky, I would have married a better man by now and perhaps be a proud mother of two lovely kids by now. Too bad, I had to 'suffer' his incapabilities and his 'disability'. I was even a fool to cover up his 'inability' in bid to save his face. Yet, he can't treasure me as a wife. HIS LOST!
However, I am just glad that he maintained his gentleman-ness so far. He has stopped messaging me as promised and left me alone... I doubt he has changed his mobile phone though, perhaps he is allowing someone to use it as I still see him online on whatsapp. Whatever it is ain't my business nor concern now.

He lead his own life, I lead my own, never to cross paths again...

But because of him, I am emotionally scarred...

12.12.12

Nothing much happened except that:
1) I was helping a couple work out their relationship. Glad they managed to talk things out and handle the 'confrontation' maturely.
2) I had to deal with a wedding proposal, which I rejected as the 5 criteria of my ideal wedding proposal was not met.
3) Worked my ass off at work and busy with dealing with by new 'designation' as a preceptor to a year 3 student nurse.

12.12.12 = another mundane day. Nothing special for me to brag about, except that I am 19 days closer to flying overseas to celebrate my countdown to 2013.

Last Assignment For Degree Sent

As I submit my last assignment for degree tonight, I feel a sense of relief yet a sense of uncertainty that I would pass this semester smoothly. Uncertain about passing this semester not because of low self esteem but rather because I know that I have been very slip shot this semester with my school work. For the last 3 months, I have lost my 'fire' and 'ommph' to complete my studies. I totally feel so tired striving for this degree. Suddenly, this degree seems so difficult to attain that I feel like giving up, coupled with lecturers who doesn't seem to know what they are teaching makes this semester all the more difficult to study and keep up.

Anyhow, I just hope to scrap through this last semester and get my degree on hand by next year January...

Tomorrow, 10th Dec 2012, also marks the first year without my beloved granny. 1st death anniversary... One year has passed since and so much changes have happened in my life. 365 days without her physical presence but I know spiritually she has walked me through the major changes in my life for the past year. It wasn't easy coping with her death, studies and marital issues but I survived! Guess what the bible says is right: God wouldn't give me things that I wouldn't be able to handle. But I just wish He didn't think so highly of me...

Hope to get good news when I recieve my results slip next year January... God bless my results...

一个人生活

叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱你怎么会是这个结果

叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱

你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说 NO
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头

我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头

Finally December Comes

One more month before 2012 ends...

My avid blog followers would know that 2012 wasn't a good year for me and it was filled with more tribulations than joy.

According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end on 21/12/2012.

Actually, at this point of time, I don't really care when the apocalypse would be, as my life is as mundane as it should be and I don't fear death as much as I used to. I have done the best I could in life and lead the my life with sheer determination for success but in the end, I failed. I trusted the wrong people in life, made many wrong moves and decisions and suffered the consequences of them. I also don't mind meeting my granny who had passsed on nearly a year ago. I miss her lots.

No, I am suicidal but what I am trying to say is that I don't fear death as I did years ago. But, I am hoping death also. Let nature takes its own course. If the world was to end on 21/12/2012, I would have no regrets nor anything to feel much regretful for. Maybe, it is a pity that I would have to miss my Manado spa trip.

Anyway, I have no achievements this year. I made no progress this year. So 2012 is not a year that I wanna brag about, neither evaluate positively. All I know is that 2012 was a sux year for me. Full of problems and depressing events that almost break me into pieces. However, thanks to all my close friends and family member, especially my parents, I 'survived' and 'moved on'. I also have to thank God for making me the woman I am: a woman who has a strong and stubborn character and one who can handle multiple stressors without crumbling down into pieces, wallowing in self-pity.
I managed to take a step back from it all and evaluate my own happiness vs forcing myself to be whom I wasn't naturally, of course, I see it clearly that my own happiness was more important than being trapped and falsely decieved that I was happy or would be happy.

Hence, if the world was to really end on 21/12/2012, I would just go and be dead. No regrets. No pain. Me, Myself and My Own World!