Understood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at16vn2T__I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
拼命與世人角力最終偏狠狠跌低
人家的東西 無法去佔有
三歲般公園中爭皮球
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有

貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 未到手的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少

貧窮與富貴都不緊要 耀眼的不需要 拿來拼命炫耀
人存在世上多麼渺小 蠢得到為半斤斗折腰 為了慾望困擾
何用你去當奬品頒給我我就要要 沒有的我從來未要
儘管你去笑 我都不曾求饒 誰計較你共我爭多少

誰懂得珍惜 誰一手摧毀
誰慢慢地學會種種攻心計
誰有了智慧 還要去控制
你別說世人既是要貪必須貪到底
人家的東西 無法去佔有
不再想誰共誰還博鬥
而屬於他的 我都不要 期望去擁有

Depressive Mood

Been on a depressive mood since that divorce. Of course, I do contradict myself when people around me ask if I am ok and if I am dealing the divorce fine. Don't expect me to crumble down and start crying, right? It is in such times that I wonder when God will really take me back to Him? I fear being left alone to die alone when my parents have passed on later in life. I fear suffering like how some of my patients have suffered before dying...

Just a song to express my mood:

It's a long, long journey

Till I know where I'm supposed to be

It's a long, long journey

and I don't know if I can believe

When shadows fall and block my eyes

I am lost and know that I must hide

It's a long, long journey

Till I find my way home to you



Many days I've spent

Drifting on through empty shores

Wondering what's my purpose

Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter

I know I will cry

I know you'll be standing by my side

It's a long, long journey

And I need to be close to you



Sometimes it seems no one understands

I don't even know why I do the things I do

When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul

Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

'Cause it's a long, long journey

Till I feel that I am worth the price

You paid for me on calvary

Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes

It feels like everything is out to make me lose control

It's a long, long journey

Till I find my way home to you

Goat VS Ox

One is shy while the other is more out-spoken
One is 1.85m while the other is 1.72m
One is Chinese while the other is Eurasian
One is below average financially while the other is rich
One is an engineer while the other is a band director cum diving instructor
One is single while the other is divorced with 2 young kids
One is a Buddhist/Taoist while the other is Catholic
One is has driving license but can't afford a car while the other drives
One is doing his Degree but the other is planning to do his Masters soon
One is highly insecure with issues in life while the other is too flamboyant to let anything bog him down
One stays at Bukit Batok while one stays at Opera Estate
One speaks Aussie english while the other speaks Queen's english

Both are not handsome
Both are typical tunnelled-vision men, who can't multi-task
Both are not that the romantic sort
Both are not so vocal of their feelings for me but can figure out that they are interested to progress on with me
Both are highly sex-charged
Both are very egoistic in their own ways
Both don't mind migrating to Australia in future

I have trusting issue, my heart is still healing from being betrayed by a guy who broke his promise + vows towards me and I cannot commit at the moment due to my dangling divorce issues. They understand.
God please choose and show me the right one... Who knows, maybe both are not the one for me even? Time will tell.

Halfway Over

Time to make plans to leave Singapore once I have obtained my degree. If everything goes on smoothly, hopefully I would finish my degree course, get my official transcript by the end of 2012, get my certificate by May next year and move on to another country. Maybe I should move to UK and make good use the opportunity to walk away totally from this misery of travelling around Singapore and every place would remind me of him.

This time, I doubt anyone would be able to stop me. I have given up on the hopes of finding love again and trusting another man enough to settle down again. Too much pain, too much risk of getting myself hurt again, too much instability, too much fear to trust again and too much risk of sacrificing for him again for nothing.

Between an ox and a goat, I have no clue who will able to capture my heart again. One who is rich, yet too flamboyant for my liking and the other, sincere yet too shy + financially strapped to keep up with my current life.

My parents won't stop me now from leaving Singapore, 'cause they both know that flying away was my dream before I entered nursing. However, I allowed myself to be held back due to a guy, who ended up breaking my heart after 12 years.

Once, I have gotten my final judgement papers for divorce by November 2012, I would be lawfully and legally free from any form of commitments to the guy who hurt me so bad. Currently, with the interim judgement papers, I am still 'married' to him and 'committed' to him under the eyes of the law.

I really want to forget him and everything I had with him...

Greatness of Love

Is It Possible To Remain As Friends After Divorce?

In 2006, after 6 years of courtship, I had thought that I had found my one true love and decided to agree to giving my hand in marriage to him, thinking that he is as much in love with me as I was with him. 6 years later, the marriage ended with a divorce. Sadly in this current era, divorce is a common reality. Couples are more willing to throw their break down in marriage out the window more easily nowadays than to fix it. Lesser and lesser people are honouring their wedding vows.

For the past 2 days, I begin to wonder if it was possible for me to remain as friends with him, forgiving him for hurting me and betraying my trust that he would love me until the end of time? I wondered if I was friends would him, would I be able to accept news in future when he has found someone new and even be able to attend his wedding if he does invite me by then? I wondered if I could even go out with him for a simple dinner or movie as a platonic friend without feeling the hurt of lost love between us?

Personally, I feel that I have forgiven him and is ready to move on with my life, with or without him as a friend. I wouldn't mind him as a friend also. Afterall, 12 years of relationship together, I doubt I would also be able to get him off my mind and the happy memories we had shared would still always be lingering on my mind forever. If we can't be husband & wife, boyfriend & girlfriend, we could might as well as be just friends, without any commitments or responsibilities to one another. I even feel that if one day I ever found out that he is seeing someone new, getting married or even invites me to their wedding, I would gladly oblige and be able to attend it without any hint of jealousy or hurt.

However, I know he wouldn't be able to do the same. I know he is also somehow hurting deep down inside that this relationship had to end in a divorce although he is the one who opted and suggested for divorce, it is just that he is too prideful and egoistic to admit it to anyone and even me (duh?). He is also unable to handle this friendship as he may not be able to accept this brand new, all natural me: more confident, more self-centred and much more out-spoken than before. For all I know, he has probably also found someone new and is unable to keep in contact with me, for fear that the new girlfriend would be jealous and sensitive. Most importantly, I doubt he is mature enough to accept me as a friend after divorce.

Hence, I totally respect his request for me to totally get out of his life and allow him to move on, just like Ivan, who couldn't accept my decision to get ROM 6 years ago. Guess, the guys I dated will never be matured enough to remain friends after a break-up or divorce. Period.

自恋狂

Narcissism is a term with a wide range of meanings, depending on whether it is used to describe a central concept of psychoanalytic theory, a mental illness, a social or cultural problem, or simply a personality trait. Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, "narcissism" usually is used to describe some kind of problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. In everyday speech, "narcissism" often means egoism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others. In psychology, the term is used to describe both normal self-love and unhealthy self-absorption due to a disturbance in the sense of self.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, it was historically called megalomania, and it is closely linked to egocentrism.