Last Post of 2020

Let's end 2020 with a Top 10 List!

Things/Matters I Am Grateful For:

1) My immediate family, In-Laws and I stayed safe during the Covid outbreak. 

2) People I know and around me (those I truly care for) had their jobs secured.

3) Charcoal remained in good health and didn't need her annual vet visit. 

4) Financially being still stable during the Covid-19 period, although my husband had to make do with lower income by switching to doing food deliveries instead.

5) Being able to explore more recipes to try out whilst being forced to cook at home more often due to the 'circuit breaker' period

6) Having constant winning streak in 4D luck

7) Still having a close bunch of friends around me to cheer me despite knowing my autoimmune condition. 

8) Managed to spruce up my home with some new furnitures and fixtures as planned (when we bought the house, hubs and I planned to change furnitures around the house once every 5yrs).

9) Finally untying a knot from the past and not harping on an apology which I have been enlightened that doesn't matter a difference now since I am happily married.

10) One step nearer to getting my promotion if I manage to handle all the stress and workload thrown upon me.

Songs That I Still Enjoy Listening:

1) Astromania 

2) 体面 

3) Goodbye My Lover 

4) Memories (Maroon 5)

5) 男人女人

6) Fix You

7) 爱自己更深

8) 2002

9) Bad Guy

10) Someone You Love

Things I Hope For in 2021:

1) Getting the promotion I deserve after so long

2) Better Health

3) Better Wealth

4) More peace and serenity in my life 

5) Family members and close friends to be safe and sound. Happy and blessed. 

6) The Pandemic to blow over and life can fully resumed back to where you used to be- No mask, self-serviced buffets, no need to safe entry check-ins, travelling whenever you want, no hassle of needing to book appointments or time slots of entry into tourist attractions.

7) House toilet renovation works to be completed without much hassle

8) More money (tell me who doesn't love money?) 

9) Charcoal to continue staying healthy 

10) Marital bliss to be continued or to be even better! 

领悟

Recently, I had a heart to heart talk with my 师傅. He suddenly ask me about the knot that I had been carrying for the past 8 years. He asked why have I not been able to 把你放下 and my replied was due to the fact that I have few unanswered questions as well as that I feel you owe me an apology for wasting my time and effort to make our marriage work.

He made me realized a few things:

1) my current life wouldn't change a bit now even if I had your answers to my question? So what if the answer was that indeed there was a 3rd party in our marriage? Does it matter to me now that our cracks started from the day that I confessed to you about my mistake of almost choosing someone else instead of you?

2) Even if you did apologize for the divorce that was the ending of our marriage, does it matter to the ending? We still would have head for the divorce anyway, we still would gone our own ways, we still would moved on with our lives without one another existing. Our 缘分 would have ended.

3) I mentioned that you wasted 12 years of my life and my efforts to make the relationship and marriage work. You also did spent the same amount of time with me. So indirectly, you also wasted 12 years of your life with me. That is 扯平.

4) I am being unfair and selfish towards to my current husband, who all 旁观者 can see that loves me a lot, with my constant 放不下 of you. I am depriving him back of the love he deserves due to my own holding back of giving him my all. I should love me as much as I did love you. Since I married him, I should let all my worries of history repeating itself go, I allow myself to love him as much as I did with you. The words used on me is '生在福中，不知福'. Those words were never said to me when I was married to you. Rather the words and questions asked to me while I was with you were why did I chose to hold on to you when the world could see that I was miserable being your wife and that I wasn't happily married to you. 

5) My current life is better and happier without you to hold me down, without restrictions that you had for me, without the expectations that you wanted of me as a wife repenting for my erroneous decision of briefly two-timing you when you were my bf. My current life is also more at peace and ease without the fear of you leaving, as you already did. I am more confident with myself and no longer the same person you know me to be. Hence, I shouldn't blame you anymore for our divorce.

With the above all said, you will always remain part of my memories but I no longer hold it against you for our divorce. I no longer need your apology. I am reminding myself to give my husband back his fairness of my full love without anything holding me back. 

Goodbye Jeff (unless you decided to change your English name again). Hope our fate will end here and this life. I don't wish to 亏欠 nor need you to 还我 anything if we have the next life. 

Behcet's 4th Month In...

Been slightly more than 4 months has past since I am dealing with Behcet's Disease and I am coping with whatever it has brought along: oral ulcers, skin lesions (acne & abscess), at times, nausea, and not to forget the side effects of medications that includes, diarrhoea and hair loss. 

So how am I doing? Honestly? I would say there are the good and bad periods of this disease to me. Eg:

1) there have been days whereby when my flare is real bad, when my ulcers hurts real bad and plagued with painful abscesses. Those are the days when I am unable to eat any solids without tearing up, when I feel unpretty due to the abscesses on body + facial acne, when psychologically I wonder why all these are happening to me. These are the days that I would end up crying to my husband and feel kind of defeated. These are the days whereby I would not have any appetite to eat and only drink liquids such as soy milk, Ribena and of course water to 'survive'. Let's not forget the fatigue that comes along that is akin to having flu, that no matter how much I want to rest yet can't seem to sleep properly. 

2) Then there are days, like now, I am coping fine. Not that I am really ulcer free or skin lesion free, just that they don't bother me that badly. In fact, since the day of diagnosis, I have forgotten how it feels to not have a single ulcer in my mouth or on my tongue. I don't remember what it feels like to have a normal sensation when eating or drinking. I have also forgotten what or how chew my food properly before swallowing, as I would chew my food a bit then swallow it as soon as possible to avoid much pain to discomfort from food being in my mouth too long. Stronger tasting food, like spicy or salty food tends to invoke a higher pain level when eating but that doesn't stop me from eating them though. Just that I avoid them when the ulcers get too many or big.

My daily tablets including my Colchicine three times a day, probiotic once a day and multi-vit Gummies once a day. If my flare is bad, then painkillers are taken to help me sleep and oral gargle to numb my mouth before I brush teeth.

All and in all, I am still very much trying to catch the flare cycles and learning how to deal with this disease. It is going to be a lifelong thing that I have cope with. I have to keep an open-mind that it may bring along other issues in future. Just like any other Autoimmune disease, there isn't any cure. Medications are just for symptomatic relief and helps to control the number of times of flare.

But one important lesson this disease has taught me would be to put myself first rather to force myself to do stuff that I feel unwilling. I have learnt to rest when tired, to reject things that makes me uncomfortable and to listen to my body cues. I have learnt to prioritise myself first, no more do I fight fatigue to head out to meet people or force myself to go all out at work when I feel unwell. So those who know that I am down with this autoimmune problem have to understand and those who don't, I also am not much bothered to explain myself to them. 

Finally, I am grateful that my husband has been quite on the ball with me throughout this journey so far. Although he doesn't fully understand what I go through, but he is empathetic enough to respect my decisions to not eat out, when I want to sleep early, not in the mood to cook or eat anything solid and when I have my breakdowns due to the discomforts. The above mentioned are good enough for me coming from him...

Coming Clean

Been diagnosed with Behçets Disease after all the recurrent abscesses, oral ulcers and skin lesions that I had been experiencing since 2019. Not sure how to say this but, yes, I am officially an autoimmune patient. 

For the past 2-3 months since the diagnosis, I have suffered hair loss due to medications, in constant discomfort and pain due to the multiple oral ulcers, having skin lesions like acne with scarring, and lastly feeling easily tired-out. 

So far only my husband and 3 of my close friends know of this diagnosis. Even I, myself, is still in a bad place or mental state to announce it as a form of my identity. Having an autoimmune condition is akin to cancer, the only difference is with cancer you know that it would be fatal when you are diagnosed at the last stage and there are ways a doctor can stage of it to inform you how serious it is. With an autoimmune condition, you are exposed to repeated flares of it, making your life a living drag and you are left dangling wondering how to deal with each flares comfortably, waiting for time (days/weeks) to past for the flare to subside. You would be able to gauge the cycle of when to expect the flare, yet, nothing can cushion you fully from the discomfort, inconvenience and pain of the flare. You would never be fully well and without reminder symptoms of the autoimmune condition.

As a female, losing hair and having scars fm the skin lesions is affecting my self-image and body-image. 

Ending my post on a bitter-sweet note, hoping that moving forward, I would be an inspiration for those diagnosed with Behcet's Disease. You may not know me but just know that you are not alone and there are also other females out there, suffering the same rare condition as you do. 

其实 - I Loved You More Than You Did Love Me

不需要借口

爱淡了就放手

我不想听

你也没说平静的交错

随便找个理由

决定了就别回头

不爱你的人

说什么都没用

分开时难过不能说

谁没谁不能好好过

那天我们走了很久没有争吵过

分开时难过不要说

如果被你一笑而过

还不如让你选择想要的生活

分开后我会笑着说

当朋友问你关于我

我都会轻描淡写仿佛没爱过

其实我根本没人说

其实我没你不能活

其实我给你的爱比你想的多

算了 - I Never Really Mattered to You Anyway

只能怪这屋子太陈旧
还留着我们喝一半的红酒
就像那个时候我们一口一口
的聊聊曾经和以后
竟然感觉你也走了没多久

难免会相遇在老街口
还是并肩走只除了没牵手
你语气像是朋友自然的对我问候
我只是敷衍著点头
分开的时候勉强说一句保重

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你不曾在意的我还一直都记得
有些事越闪躲越说明了爱过
以为自己放了眼眶却又湿了

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你的拥抱曾是最温暖的角落
牵着的手放了走着的人散了
也许越用心的越能感觉痛了
只好算了

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你的拥抱曾是最温暖的角落
推开怀中的我像是某种解脱
心被回忆困着爱在心中铭刻
怎么算了

有为我的过去流泪了

Watched a YouTuber post-divorce video cum interview. Somehow felt their sadness, reluctance, pain and yet they still have some sort of love for each other despite the divorce. However, their love for each other is no longer the romance type of love but rather more of deep friendship type of love. During the interview, the male was more emotional than the female. Although, he didn't said much during the interview and the female was more dominant in speaking as well as answering the questions posted by fans, his tears were sufficient to see his hurt, raw emotions and how he truly felt of the divorce. Their divorce was nothing to do with 3rd party, it was due to they married too young, only to realized that they had matured seperately into two different paths targeting the same goal.

As watched the such shows or videos relating to divorce-matters or break-up, I can't help to be a little affected as well as reminded of my own wounds from a failed marriage. Perhaps also we got ourselves committed to each other too young, or maybe we also did move on to have different goals in life and pursued our own goals apart from one another, losing the initial spark in the relationship. Like the female said, once the spark the is lost, it is hard to find it back. The male added on to say that once you still procrastinating to honour any form of anniversary or Valentine's day celebrations, that is where the marriage will spiral downhill.

I also realized that marriage and divorce are getting more common in our society, it is like the value of a lifelong marriage is getting lesser than our parents' generation. I also believe that no one who truly loves each other would get married with intentions of planning on a divorce much later. Yet, the mention of divorce is so loosely used...

Anyway, I hope I am not the only one who would feels the same sentimentals and emotional whenever watching or coming across break-ups or divorces stories and shows or videos... Sigh. 

10 May...

Today is supposed to be our 20 years Pak-Thor anniversary, our 14 years ROM anniversary and 11 years Customary Wedding anniversary but nope, those are out of the window. Instead, today we have re-married and are living our lives very much apart. We have stopped salvaging the broken pieces between us 8 years ago. We were a month short of our anniversary date.

At this moment, let me be just honest. You will always be a part of my memory, a scar that you left forever etched in my heart and someone whom I once knew. However, I must say that my life now is definitely much better after leaving you. I am in a happier and more fulfilling marriage. I don't regret agreeing to the divorce as well as don't feel bad about you also remarrying. I am also no longer the same person you knew. Part of me don't wish to ever cross paths or meet you on the streets, yet part of me wishes that you witness that I am living well and fine without you.

Seriously, I don't give a hoot on whether you are happier without me, in a blissful marriage or not. Neither am I interested to know if you have changed in your beliefs, personality and mindset of things, nor do I wish to know if you regret mentioning the last straw statement that made me give up on you and the marriage/relationship that we once shared. Although I would like to have a truth on the rumours that you now walk with a limp after the fateful accident, which you did once tell me that occur during our separation period, I also rather not know the truth for fear that I may have sympathy on you.

Nothing will change my mindset of partial hatred I have toward you for hurting me the way you did. Yet, I don't fully blame you as I made some wrong decisions when I was your girlfriend then. But you still chose for us to reconcile and progressed to marriage, so I don't see why you would still bear the grudge. Your apologies on that doesn't make any sense to me. Your presumption that you could accept my mistakes enough to make me your wife, isn't valid when you mentioned that you eventually realized that you not accept the mistake made. Then, you went on to say that you didn't know the seriousness of signing on the dotted line of our marriage papers. What rubbish excuse is that?! I wished that you were listening to your lame reasons, making me feel like a fool being your wife back then.

However, I must also thank you for waking me up from my own denial that our marriage is actually doomed from the start. Plus, for making me realized that sometimes there isn't a need to go all out for a man who doesn't know how to love, cherish and treasure me as his wife. If you had said that sentence that ultimately made me determined to leave you, I would probably still suffering and being stuck in an aimless marriage with you, a sexless marriage. It could have been worse that I am on this circuit breaker, facing you 24/7 in our BTO flat, still trying to push my patience limit and challenge my mental sanity to live with you under one roof. So yes, I am grateful that we parted. I am thankful that we are divorced.

On this 10 May 2020, I hope you feel the same peace and bliss that we are no longer affiliated with one another as I do. And to the rest of the world who still thinks that I can't let go of my ex-husband, carry on thinking whatever you wish, my conscience is clear...

COVID-19: Thoughts on Life during Circuit Breaker

Circuit breaker period starting 7th April 2020 - 1st June 2020. Following drastic changes in lifestyle, economic and our society:

1) Petrol price is down worldwide except SG 

2) Many offices will remain closed throughout the CB period and will continue to operate fully on a work-from-home basis.

3) All schools abruptly moved online. School holiday start on 5 May.

4) Self-distancing measures on the rise.

5) Tape on the floors at stores to help distance customers (1 metre) from each other.

6) Takeaway only for all F&B

7) Limited number of people inside stores. Non-essential stores and businesses mandated to be closed.

9) Entire sports seasons cancelled.

10) Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled

11) Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled

12) No masses. All places of worship are closed.

13) No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, 10, and now no gatherings at all. Not even for extended family living apart. 

14) Children's outdoor play parks are closed.

15) Limited masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers all around the world.

16) Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill in other countries.

17) Panic buying sets in with shortage of disinfecting supplies, laundry soap, hand sanitiser. People also hoarding and buying toilet paper for whatever reason.

18) Shelves are bare. 

19) Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.

20) Government has safe distancing ambassadors checking and issuing fines. 

21) Airline tickets are cheap but we can't travel.

22) Daily updates by MOH. 

23) Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths. 

24) Barely anyone on the roads.

25) People wearing masks and gloves outside.

26) Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.

27) Our hardworking healthcare workers are afraid to go home to their families. 

28) For the safely, island wide of MacDonald advised to closed for operations.

29) "Flatten the curve" is a daily saying, along with "We are in this together," and "We heal as one".

30) This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared on March 18, 2020.

Due to the above changes, my husband and I had to miss our birthdays, ROM anniversary, weekday dinner dates, Sunday family day events and couple time is reduced. Financially we are adapting to a lower income due to lack of work-assignments.

However, guess I wouldn't want have this all Circuit Breaker being in my previous marriage, with my ex-husband and his family. Can't imagine that lifestyle of constant worries, emotionally being wrecked by his lack of concern, being stuck in an unhappy marriage and having frequent abusive arguments over the the most trivia issues. Don't to forget have in-laws who can't control their son, allowing him to be an irresponsible husband, mostly always on his side as well as constantly gossiping on the phone about all my negative traits like their son is an angel.

I am predicting even if we had moved out of his parents' home and to our BTO flat, being stuck in the same household with his sucky attitude also wouldn't do me any good and this marriage that was already unstable from the start, would also end. 

So I am indeed thankful I am in this Circuit Breaker with the right man as my husband, supportive in his own ways and we can work together as a team to compromise as well as lower our financial expectations, make adjustments and hopefully, tide over this period.

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa 

Na Mo Dtassa Pakawadto Arahadto Sammaa Samputtassa

有求必应，答谢神嗯，Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu...

37Year Old Amelia To 20Year Old Amelia

Hi Amelia, 

I am your future self. 

Firstly, I would like to send my regards and congrats to you that you have just graduated to be a full-fledged Registered Nurse, your childhood ambition since when you were 6 years old. It was quite a rough 3 years in Nursing course and you have finally gotten your Diploma. Well done to you! Don't ever let that passion of being a good nurse put out your fire. You would meet many nasty Nurse Managers and Higher Management in Nursing that would be your wet blanket. You would suffer from burnt out. You would question your decision to be nurse but ultimately, you would still prevail to be a good nurse one day. You would also realize your value of having the medical knowledge to advice, care and comfort your parents and beloved paternal grandmother in her times of sickness. Your mum would finally see the greatness that you are as a nurse in the family. You would be a blessing to those who appreciate your nursing skills, knowledge and expertise to remain calm in times of medical crisis. You would go on to be an Oncology Nurse with an advance diploma and finally a Bachelor of Science (Nursing). Nursing would be the path you don't regret ever stepping into. 

Secondly, at your tender age of 20, the world is your oyster. However, your heart is still unsettled. You will meet different guys who would flirt with you, court you and present themselves to be the best guy for you. Keep your heart open. The one who are currently with, will one day break your heart. He will break all his promises as well as vows made to you. He would be good for you for another few years before he gradually changed into a man whom you wouldn't enjoy being with. Don't commit your future on him, he will end up being your deepest sadness and leave you scarred. Be brave and don't commit yourself solely on him. I know you love him a lot now and he will show himself worthy of you but he would mature into a guy that you wish that you never knew. You are still young and wild. Let your heart be free and don't tie yourself down so early.

Thirdly, you may be better exploring Nursing in Australia, like some of your course-mates. Who knows, you may like working with Caucasians? Embarking on a new life and journey may changes lots of your course of life as well as experiences to make you into a stronger woman. However, fate has it that you will be fall and get hurt real bad. That experience alone would mould you into a stronger woman for yourself at age 28, coming 29. You will learn to fend for yourself, bravely fighting for your own freedom and survive the stigma that society placed on you.

Lastly, at age 36, coming 37, you will learn to love yourself more than anything else in the world. You will become a woman, who goes through lots of ordeals as well as setbacks, only to be stronger in character, more stubborn to purse your own happiness, even more determine to treasure your freedom to do whatever you wish as long as it is righteous and morally legal.

Until we meet again. Stay safe during this SARs period and you will go on to fight the Coronavirus...

爱自己更深

Came across this song from a friend's Instagram post and the lyrics is quite reflective of what I went through with my ex-husband. Actually all the tell-tale signs that this marriage wasn't going to last nor will be a blissful one were already there but I still went ahead with the wedding and even stayed in the marriage for the next 6 years. I could have chosen to annul the marriage as he started changing his behaviour and attitude towards me 9 months into the legal matrimony binding we had. 

(如果你真的打算不闻不问, 如果就这样 

放下我一个人 ) 

When we quarrelled or had a fight, he would not even bother to show any forms of concerns. Yet, he expects me to compromise to his 'headaches', 'tiredness' or 'need for sleep'. My well-being was never his top priority, even when I was sick, I was told that I have hands and legs to see doctor myself, thus, should handle myself. 

After our last fight, he also insisted that I leave his house for good at 1+am alone, and even went to lengths to chase me out by being spiteful. My safety to reach home or even get a cab were least of his concerns. His main concern was that I leave his place as soon as possible after the arguement so that he can have a good night's rest and sleep. 

(明天我学着自己消化伤痕, 成为更值得 懂得 被爱的人) 

After that last fight and with his statement of 'I don't love you anymore', I walked out and started to reflect on myself, realising that I was mostly left alone to fend for myself. He as my husband was never there for me when I needed him or his love. 

The moment I reached back to my parents'place and back to my own room, that was the time I knew that I had to learn to love myself again, to accept myself once more, to be strong for myself and face the divorce head on. 

(都怪我不愿相信你是坏人) 

During the downtimes of the marriage, my close friend had already seen through him and tell me that he wasn't a good husband for me, she even suggested that I leave him instead. However, I kept telling and deceiving myself that his behaviour as well as temper towards to me improve, I even defended him and his actions as stemming from stress of studying for his degree. 

(都怪我一厢情愿用情太深) 

All my tolerance and patience was a foolishness on my part. I had to keep asking myself to hold on tightly to my marriage as I love him a lot. I thought my love was good enough for him to see that I was the wife for him. I had so much to lookforward to with him: living together in our love nest of the BTO flat. 

There were also constant self-consolation of myself that our marriage would be better after we start living as a couple, away from our parents. 

(谢谢你终于让我恢复单身, 学会爱自己更深)

After the separation and divorce, I have learnt to take care of my own needs and wants first. I have learnt to treasure my own freedom. I have learnt to be more of a feminist, to love myself better.

To my ex-husband, 

If you are still following or read my blog secretly, I believe that I have crossed with your cousin on the night of Lunar New Year's eve. Although, I have forgotten his name and even took me an extended time recognizes him, until I found the glare and sulky face familiar, I am pretty sure he can testify that I am definetely in a happier place and relationship/partnership/marriage now. And yes, the man who was with me is my husband. Our lives may not be perfect, but we are happy together and complement one another. We have healthy arguments and no usage of vulgarities with none of any abusive behaviours or actions towards one another.

I do wish you well too as I know that you have also remarried a Thai-lady. May you be also genuinely happily married with her. May you both, complement one another too. 

Although, I still very much carry the pain, hurt and some hatred towards you, I do wish you all the best as well as may we never cross paths if possible...

10 Years Has Past: A Reflection

It's 2020, this marks my survival for another decade. From Y2K, many theories of apocalypse as well as doomsday came and went back without it actually happening. Few eclipses happened to no issues either. However, for the past 10 years, my emotional and mental state was put through tests and trials.

As I reflect of my last decade... 

1. I got my advance diploma in June 2010

2. I got my degree in Dec 2012

3. I got my promo at work in June 2012

4. I  left a marriage that no longer served me well in April 2012 and officially divorced in Nov 2012. 

5. I gained a better guy in Sept 2012 and married him in April 2015

6. I lost my most loved grandma in Dec 2011. 

7. I gained a cat in June 2015

8. I have a home to call my own in 2015

9. I gained weight (whole 10yrs!)

10. I regained my freedom in April 2012 back to singlehood, something I missed for 12 years since being attached at just 17 years old. 

11. I did my first solo overseas trip in May 2012.

12. I reached a career level whereby I am now comfortable.

13. I turned away from Christianity due to lack of His promises and merits gained from Him in June 2019.

14. Calmed my soul and mind by slowly accepting another religion in July 2019. 

With lots of events happening in 2012 and 2015, I am thankful that I was strong enough to tough it out. Being able to come out of the events, made me feel that I am a better woman for myself, 

Wonder where 2020 - 2030 will bring me. Likely still alive and more perhaps by then the elderly diseases will creep up to me. Haha...