Reflections of What Makes A Man Faithful to His Partner/Wife

This morning I was having a conversation with my husband on the way to work. I brought up the topic asking him (as a man) what is/are the factor/s that would make a man faithful to his wife, girlfriend or partner? I brought up the example of a mutual friend, he is rich and practically quite powerful in the sense of spiritual world. His mouth can get a bit flirtatious but his actions speaks of love for his wife. My husband said probably it is because this friend of yours wears the Buddhism amulets and would be constantly to be reminded to be faithful, or else karma may strike him. Then I brought up my ex-husband as a counter-argument. He too wears the 4-faced Buddhist figurine as an amulet, yet he didn't know how to treat me well and/or wasn't faithful to me. I also brought up my brother in-law, my husband's younger brother, who is also very successful in life and quite financially secured, he doesn't wear any form of amulet but he loves his wife so dearly and even stayed with her since JC years until now.

After this little 'debate', we concluded whether one is able to practise faithfulness to spouse, partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is based on a few factors:
1) character of one and how he/she is brought up
2) how much one loves the other partner, spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend
3) how secure one feels being in the current relationship. This also means how much one trusts, feels stability as well as the foundation of the relationship is being built on.

At the same time, I told my husband that if he or me would have the chance to meet my ex-husband and if he askes how I am coping. My answer is I am very 幸福 now.
I may not have everything that I wanted in an ideal world. I may not be married to a handsome, tall, rich and be driven around in some sports/branded car. However, I am fortunate to have found a man who is willing to take care of me, dotes on me and loves me enough to ferry me to and from work, considerate enough to put me as his top priority, lastly, he is able to be filial to my parents too to visit them for meals every alternate weekend and ask about them should any issues arises. He is willing to go out of the way to ensure my needs are met. He is also mature enough to discuss and thrash out our differences without any violence, no petty tantrums or lashing out of vulgarities at me. That is more than what I experienced in my previous marriage. So if I feel thankful and grateful, it would be unfair to him.

I would end this post by saying, although I still hurt fm the previous marriage not working out the way I wished it would, but I am definetely happier and much more satisfied with my current marital status. Hence, the more likely I would stay faithful to my husband due to the fulfilment of the above named factors, including our transparency in the marriage. No secrets. No hidden agenda.

09092019: 7 Year Itch

How time flies... I have been in a relationship leading to marriage 7 years ago. So let's just say that the 7-year itch for us has begun, a superstition that had been believing due to the previous relationship I had with my ex-husband. Yes, he was my husband for nearly 1 year before cracks started showing. The stubborn and blinded side of me had endured another 5 years of roller coaster up-down emotional ride before finally calling it quits.

This time, the 7-year itch is with my current husband of 4 years. Plus, we are in a more mature stage of life and age, to handle things. We also seldom have an big argument fight, leading to cold war as we are able to handle conflicts better. Perhaps coupled with more EQ to less hot-tempered also benefited.

At times, I do reflect on my past relationship with my ex-husband, wondering many what-ifs, whys and how-comes to many unanswerable questions. Was it really just us? Is the superstitions true? Could we have avoided it? Either way, let's see my current relationship does survive the 7-year itch, 'cause I have some confidence that it would.

Slowly Backsliding

It is quite hard to believe a certain religion that I once held so dear to me, so convinced about its teaching, has made me feel disencouraged and doubtful now.
The events that I have witnessed and gone through personally for past 7-9 months has made me mentally and emotionally challenged my spiritual belief, whilst at the same time reflecting on my past experiences comparing with other believers of the same faith. Perhaps I was never meant for this religion, or just maybe I shouldn't have ever had high hopes and expectations that this religion would bring me good experiences just by being good as a human.
Maybe this God doesn't exist for me.
Maybe this route to follow His words and path isn't meant for me to walk.
Maybe He has taken this Guardian Angel of mine away due to some reason.
Maybe I should walk away from believing that He is for me and will help me.
Maybe I should free my mind and open my heart to other religions as I had once did as a child way into my early teens.
Since He can't serve justice and punishments fairly, then perhaps He is just biased. (Idk)

It is just sad that things had to come to this. It is just sad that I have to desperately seek refuge elsewhere and start understanding another religion, in bid to feel more secure from all the crap that He has put me through, only to protect and 'forgive' His own childrens' daily and weekly sins.

He is slowly losing me week by week, month by month, letting me hear and witness how His children gets away pretty much scot-free with their spreading of false accusations, blasphemy, rumours and abuse of power. Soon, He may lose me forever...

Religion: Good and Black Sheeps

These few years and especially months, I have had my eyes opened to bad behaving Christians that I am starting to doubt Jesus and the Almighty God Father. It seems the law of Karma has been blinded yet again. I have regained my insecurities and sadly, slipped away from what I once perceived as my peaceful, fair and justified God.

Yet through these few months and especially weeks, I have had my eyes and attention diverted to another religion, which I had once dislike and felt disgusted before due to few black sheeps. Instead, now I don't view it as satanic nor evil. I have even started to entered the world of it, trying to understand it furthur.

I have begun to view religion having its good and bad side. It doesn't take one to self-declare their religion as being a true worshipper or believer of that particular religion, but rather, it is their actions that speaks for the religion. One can proclaimed that he/she is a Christian, yet goes around spreading false rumours, backstabbing people, misusing their status and societal power to manipulate situations to their own benefits and in the meantime, creating hurtful events to others. One can say that he/she has embraced Thai Buddhism, yet create lies, betrayal, deceit as well as false promises, only to finally shatter dreams of others. One can pray to whatever God and Heavenly Deities but their daily actions doesn't reflect the goodness of their religious teachings or guiding principles. Although I agree that we are all humans, not made to be perfect and have negative emotions, but the fact that these people knowingly make use of others' weaknesses, or to use their own power in the society, or to use their monetary abilities to manipulate situations to favour themselves, while putting others in a bad light or jeopardising others' careers.

At these moment in time, I am really sitting on the fence, asking myself if I am being a devoted Christian or revert to being a free-thinker since Jesus, God or Heavenly Father hasn't brought me much smoothness in life and serve the karma to deserving individuals who claims to be Children of God. In fact, these Children of God continues to be blessed despite their ill-behaviour and intentions...

May the right religion show me the way now.

What If Our Paths Crossed Again

During the course of years after my divorce, I had a few people and even myself asking this question: what if one day our paths crossed again? What would I do or what would happen?

Well, on a logical basis, I would quote you, "we would ignore one another and pretend that we never knew one another. Strangers once again."
However, on a reality basis, I may not know you but I do myself, that one thing for sure, that would be that you to spark an array of emotions in me, ranging from anger to sympathy. Anger that stemmed from what had happened between us that made me on verge of reaching breaking point of almost making me less worthy and near suicidal. Anger that I had misjudged us to be happily married and anger that I had wasted much of my patience as well as time on you with hopes that we would regain back those days of love we once shared.
I would also have sympathy on you as you walk with a limp, hopefully not that obvious to the plain eye to notice. The more limp your gait is, the more I would pity you for the karma served on my behalf.

Although, our lives are separated and completed with someone else as we have  remarried, I still do not wish to cross paths with you ever, especially not with my current husband and your new wife by our sides.

As my friend once said to me, if our fate has ended, we would never cross path again. I sincerely wish that to be true...

Another Surgery, Another Hospital Stay, Another Man

Just came back home after a 2 days hospitalization stay. As mentioned, 2019 hasn't been a good year for me. Dealing with lots of ups and downs for the past few months.

This time round of hospitalization and having my husband beside me majority of the time. He just good like that, simple man yet willing to sacrifice his business making and time just to be make sure I am fine post-operatively. For the next few days to weeks, I will be depending him to do daily wound dressings for me.

This hospitalization reminded me of my cyst surgery done more than a decade ago, I was cared for by a different guy. A guy whom I thought was going to be a good and devoted husband. A guy whom I decided to be with and thought we would grow old together, caring for one another until our death-bed. Another way, that aside. The main gist of this post is on the emotional self-reflection of comparison after being cared by two different man, at a different age gap. The feeling I had were comparatively different in such ways:
1) With my ex, I had that feeling of being touched by his care and sacrifices to shuttle between his army barrack to hospital on a daily basis. Staying overnight with me. With my current husband, I had that neutral feeling that it was an expected outcome that he should be there with me throughout the whole hospitalization, leaving me only to get his meals or to return back home to feed my cat.
2) With my ex, I had this warm and fuzzy feeling of love that he used his sacrificial actions to prove his doting nature. With my current husband, I feel this gratitude that he was always there, never leaving my side unnecessarily. I felt his support and tender nature that make me feel a form of affirmation that I didn't marry a wrong guy.
3) Although this time round my visitors were less, I still felt the concerned shown by my mother in-law. Her companionship in the hours after my surgery together with my husband was impeccably nice of her. She didn't have to spend her whole afternoon with me, she could have chose to go play mahjong with her own siblings or even stay home to read her online books, yet she chose to remain in the room with us and spend her time to ensure I was well supported.
4) Although I did feel miserable every night when the post-operative pain were the worse, my husband only slept when I slept. His sacrifice of sleep is something my ex couldn't do. In the eyes of my ex, sleep was his priority, I was never more important than his sleep hours. This for a fact is yet again, another reason for the feeling of self-reassurance that I didn't marry the wrong man.
5) As my ex was medically trained, he wasn't very on the ball learning how to take care of me post-operatively. My current husband took all trouble to learn how to do wound cleaning and dressing, which he knows is crucial for the my recovery. Even my surgeon praised him for his TLC (tender loving care) in performing the wound care procedure.

In conclusion, I do have some faith that I didn't marry the wrong man again... Hopefully this time, it wouldn't prove me otherwise again.

Hi God

Hi God & Jesus,
It is me.
I am writing to You once again. Do you know that since start of the Lunar Pig, every month You have been throwing lots of issues for me to settle? I may be strong but I am human still, and I do have my breaking point. I am afterall still a mortal, who has limits to how much I can tolerate and take in.
All the gossip kings are drowning me in their rumours and gossips about what they think, perceive and feel about me. Some baseless and coined due to their insecurities. I can't fight them directly due to their authority as well as position. Coupled with colleagues who are either too childish to handle feedbacks or not mentally stable to call the shots. Not to forget, the housing issues that have made my neighbour, her contractors and HDB involved when there isn't really an problem with my unit and flat. Plus, all health setback that you have put me through and now suffering in much pain with discomfort with my every movement, so much so that if I don't recover in time, I may have to consider a surgery to in order to be better.
Each time, I try to be strong, another obstacle or issues pops up to test my patience and willpower to go through 2019. I know that this year I have 烦太岁 but no need to be so harsh on me, please.
However, I must thank You for the supportive parents, husband and close friends that you have blessed me with throughout the past years, this year included. Of course, also appreciate You for letting me have nice in-laws who understands us and doesn't pressurize me and my husband in making decisions that we may regret. You let me undergo a divorce and in turn blessed me with a better husband than the previous guy.
I plead with you to please stop throwing me more things, my arms are pretty full and tired from carrying all the pressure of problems around me. Please let the rest of the year be more peaceful and a better environment for me.
I don't expect to witness karma on those who has harmed, hurt or done evil-doings to me, but I do hope You are keeping a record book and acting in justice on my behalf.
Currently too wounded physically and mentally to stand up and fight anymore.  Please stop all the challenges...
Thank you and Amen.

Don't Let Me Be The Last to Know

总是有人猜我们不会爱到老
我要自己听过就忘了
爱属于我们不愿受到干扰
只想平静用心感受相知的美好
别人怎么说难到你都听不到
是不是该相信你就好
如果说我幸福又有隐约的孤独
了解你吗还爱我吗越来越模糊
是谁爱得多谁又爱得少可以不比较
可是能不能别让我感觉你随时会逃
假如有一天在你心中有别的人比我更重要
告诉我千万别让我最后一个才知道

In the end, I am still the last to know.
In the end, I am still the one hurting while you probably are OK leading your own life.

A Bit of My Heart Chipped Again

To that Him:
Although I know that you walk with a limp after that accident that you got involved in, during our separation period and before the final divorce papers were served, but when my friend saw you and told me about it, a part of my heart went out to you.
Not sure if it was pity or just a bit of sympathy for you. I am pretty sure it was an accident but can't help thinking it is karma as well as a form of 'someone' getting back at you on my behalf, punishing you for the hurt that I felt and sense of helplessness that I went through.

When my friend told me that you were alone, I naturally asked myself where was your wife? I answered myself, maybe she wasn't even in town, or, maybe she and you didn't marry for love but for a PR-ship. Yet, I know you wouldn't do such nonsense of being made used for obtaining a PR-ship, it just isn't you. But maybe, I don't know you anymore like you don't know the new me, the new me which you would never accept nor get along with. Whatever it is, I wish you well. I wish we would never ever cross paths in life. I wish we will never need to meet again. I wish, in fact, that I never met you, loved you, married you and allow myself to be so vulnerable to you. You have brought me much negative feelings and heartaches, so much that those memories of you and your hurt are deeply etched in my mind.
Sure, I have moved on and remarried, so have you. Yet, I can't let go of the memories we shared and had together, the good and bad, the happy ones and hurtful ones too...
I may not know about you, if you do think about what we used to be, the memories of our better days in polytechnic and what we used to share: that simplicity of love, but I don't wish to know. I don't want to know that also do think of us. I don't want my heart to hurt more for us and you. Don't tell me. Don't bother.

不值得

我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你

我走了。。。

What It Takes For Me to Feel Happy & Blissful

In my own opinion happiness/Feeling Blissful is when:
1) Witnessing a 全家福 that includes my parents and husband, knowing that all 4 of us sincerely trying to get along despite all the character or physical flaws of one another. The acceptance of one another as part of the family is comforting.
2) Sitting beside my husband as he takes over the steering wheel of my father's car and drives down the highway of Malaysia.
3) Being overseas with my dad and husband in the same vehicle, chit-chating, joking and having meals in a day trip.
4) Having a meal with my parents and husband all at one table every alternate Sunday evening.
5) Joking and creating laughters with my parents in-laws over a simple statement.

Those things were dreams and hopes I had years ago. Now these are reality and I hope they stay the same for many more years to come.