There's A Fine Line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
There's a fine, fine line between love and hate.

Goodbye and I don't hate you...
Actually I thank you for letting me find someone who deserves me more than you do and my freedom to like someone again.

Something That Really Shoots Straight Into My Thoughts

Hey Mr J, something for you to ponder about, eh?
Maybe, I don't exactly need the excuse or reasons anymore, 'cause I walked away a better and more natural person. I won't dare say I am a happier person without you, but at least I am happy where I am and less fearful with my behaviour/actions done or words spoken out of my mouth. I am less conscious about my non-verbal cues and don't need to thread on thin ice with my every move.

Oh, I just remember another benefit of finally plucking up my courage to leave you. That is, that I need not feel any more guilt towards you for almost choosing Andy over you. I had automatically redeemed myself from your torturous unforgiving attitude and constant pettiness to keep this grudge until today. At least now, I can life my head up high again and take this Andy's incident as a lesson well-learned.

However, I wish you could be more 'man' enough to explain your actions to me face to face, rather than dismissing our past marriage with just a 'I don't love you anymore' or 'I don't think I can tolerate and live you any longer' excuse. But, I know for you to one day be able to tell me the truth on why you gave up our 12 years of relationship would be an absolute bonus... Some sort of a miracle if it ever does happen.

As usual, I wish you well and also happiness with your current life without me.

New Life Ahead

Dear Mr J,
glad that you have gone back to your passion. It was great to know that you didn't exactly lose your job, rather you quitted something that you won't interested in and have finally, found back your passion in social sector. It was also a pleasure knowing that I had over-estimated your nobility, thinking that you had deserted me due to a potential sickness and didn't want to drag me into any form of commitment that may affect my future.
I wish you all the best as usual. I wish you success in your new career. I wish you happiness in your future endeavor.

I am off to my own new life more comfortably and knowing that I had nothing else to worry about with regards to you and your health.

Entangled Again

Entangled up in the webs.
In a mess.
Doubtful of the decision made.
Blinded by feelings again.
Overwhelmed with emotions.
In love.
Hope not with the wrong guy again.

New Beginning? Maybe... Perhaps...

Found someone who treats me well...

Yet, I can't put 100% into it.

Found someone better than Jeff in character and culture...

Yet, I can't believe him fully.

Found someone who treats me like a princess...

Yet, it took me nearly a month to commit myself as his girlfriend.

Put him on 6 months probation to assess his eligibility to my confirmed boyfriend.



I had returned Jeff's book few days ago, so now I owe him nothing. I am ready to move on to a new relationship, perhaps, to someone better and someone who may treasure me more than Jeff.

God bless me and my new journey...

Hmm...

你真的忘的了你的初戀情人嗎?
假如有一天你遇到了跟他長得一模一樣的人
他真的就是他嗎, 還有可能嗎
這是命運的寬容, 還是另一次不懷好意的玩笑

Bless My Broken Road

"My road has been broken with my bridges burned." This is how I have been feeling since the day I left him. Yes, although I have started a brand new life without him, I still do reminisce the good old times we once shared and I do ask myself why things has ended up in such a sad way. The only reason I can conclude is that this marriage had failed 'cause he lack to understand the meaning of forgiveness, acceptance and tolerance. Perhaps, due to the fact I am his first girlfriend, thus he doesn't know the true meaning of loving someone and accepting someone. He has yet to learn the true essence of love.
Although he has hurt me deeply and wasted my 12 years, I learnt that he isn't worth me nor my tears anymore. He has moved on well without me because what he needed wasn't a wife, he needed someone to take over his mum's position, he needed a maid. He craved the freedom of a single and refused to acknowledge the works of a doting wife. He has lost a good wife. I am not perfect but at least I know I had tried my best to love him and cared for him just like a wife should. It's a pity that he just didn't feel it and couldn't appreciate it, much less reciprocate it. After taking a step back, I evaluated that he is definitely not suited to be my husband. He isn't my ideal husband material. He was boyfriend material but not made to be a husband. I was also perhaps not his ideal wife material.

Like I always said, I still Thank God that so far this divorce proceedings has been smooth and civil. No calling names to each other's face. Just slowly drifting apart and stop contacting.

Thankfully for that. By mid-Nov, I should be free from this bondage of being married to him. By mid-Nov, I should be finishing my last semester of my degree course. Guess a new phrase of life will happen after November then. Hopefully a better life than now. Hopefully a more peaceful life than now. Hopefully a new beginning of new hope... Amen.

2012: Not a Kind Year So Far

Was having a chat with a friend and reflected back on how this year has treated me so far... Yes, as I reflect on how the 9 months has just flown by, I am also reminded of my more downs than ups of 2012.

First, I started in January my degree course barely healing from the bereavement of losing my beloved granny in Dec 2011.
Followed by my huge argument with my ex-husband leading to the divorce in April and it was my exam period. Thankfully, I scraped through my exams without letting it affect my studies much.
Went to Melbourne in May to heal myself and my raw emotions of the divorce.
From May until now, I am still bearing the pains of the divorce as it has not been finalised and won't be until mid Nov. Moreover, from May until now,
I am although enjoying my single-hood, I still can't comprehend or even begin to understand how someone can be so heartless to just let go of a 12years relationship without a hint of sadness or feeling. I am also unable to trust myself to anyone although I long to find that special guy again and restart my love life. However, I am held back by the fact that if a guy whom I trusted and love so much of 12 years can do just throw in the towel to end everything, how can ever trust the next guy won't do the same? I wouldn't want to go through the same crap all over again...
12 years of everything now back to being total strangers. But thank God that it has been civil so far (I use the word 'so far', as the divorce is not fully over yet and he can still do anything to irritate , hurt or anger me further).
Now it is September, another 3 months more to end of 2012 and I just pray that God would have mercy at me and don't throw me anymore hurts or obstacles. I already have my hands full with mixed emotions, dilemmas and unanswered question marks in my own head...

After Months of Emo-ness

Had been having bouts of depression for the past few days. Some stuff had happened and impacted my life furthur. Took the whole saturday for some 'me-time', switched off my mobile phone and went out on some self-indulgences, ended up randomly attending a blood donation drive and cut off my long hair.

Felt better after the hair cut and long bus ride from one end of Singapore back home. Sat in the bus, plugged in my ear phones and listened to some Kevin Kern, Josh Groban and Yiruma, that tamed my raw emotions.

So far the feedback I had of my new haircut is that makes me look younger and more refreshed. Hopefully, my mood has been as 'refreshed' as my new image. Found out that I lost weight since April. Good and not as good in certain sense...

Wide Awake

I think I could get used to being single.
I think I could pretend I never fell in love before.
Let my tears warm up myself through the cold nights.
I think I could get used to being single.
Pretending the vows you once made never existed.
This is the end result of me loving you. I think I could get used to being single.
I think I could pretend I never loved you.
Who could stop me if I ever wanted to leave you first.
I think I could get used to being single.
I could pretend all those sweet words were never said to me before.
I'll take it as this love was a dream that I could never wake up from.