Highest & Lowest Of 2008

It is 31 Dec 2008, roughly 7hrs more to the welcoming of 2009. It is every year, on this same day that I would sum up my highest point and lowest point of the year and wish for some stuff for the next upcoming year. Thus, this year's post would be the same for me, ranting on my most 'proud' of event and the most horrible event that makes me 'disgusted' or pissed during the past 2008, then would be my wishes for the upcoming 2009:

Event that makes me the happiest and most glad for 2008: Achieving my Gynae-Oncology nursing certification that makes me a Gynae-Onco trained nurse.

Event that makes me upset and disgusted in 2008: I have summarised it into one category- in law issue, which includes having an argument with my Mum In Law as well as a new addition to my in law's family which makes her my sister in law.


Now for what I wish for 2009:
a) to having a fulfilling marriage filled with more romantic moments with my husband.
b) to be able to make it on the red carpet for my customary wedding ceremony on 10 May, among all my close friends and our family members.
c) to be able to have a good working relationship with all my colleagues.
d) to be selected for Advanced Diploma In Oncology Nursing course which starts in October.



Let's see on 31 Dec 2009, how many of the above wishes have I been able to achieve or fulfill...

As I was reading my 31 Dec 2007 post on my old blog, I realized I ended 2007 without much hope for 2008 and in quite a depressing state of mind wishing that 2008 would be a better year. I must say indeed, it was slightly better but there were still the emotional roller coaster ride in the sense of my marriage life taking me to another level in improving myself for the betterment of one-self's patience as well as strengthening of my ownself emotionally and mentally.

Ok, all prepared for 2009 to come and to face whatever 2009 would hurl at me...

New Lappie

Finally, my own lappie... There goes my bonus... But at last, my own lappie to carry around and to save my stuff...

My Christmas Gift 4 Myself

Rewarded myself with a Christmas gift, which came by post today...
Welcome my new addition to my Coach collection... LOLX

Merry Christmas

It is Christmas today and I have spend the day resting at my in-laws' place, going back to my own place tonight.
Don't worry, I have stood firm on my decision not to move back to my in laws' place as I am still somehow unhappy about on how I was treated by my mother in law. Although, now I can see that she is making efforts to win my heart back by cooking my favourite food, but, it ain't that easy for me to give in to her, especially not after how she has treated me before and what she had said to me in fit of anger that eventful night.
Call me petty but I am standing firm on my decision not to forgive her unless she apologizes or unless something seriously bad to her until it softens my heart to the extend of me empathizing her.
My husband also has expressed his displeasure of staying my place.
Thus, the future looks quite bleak of what will happen next...
Wish me luck that this matter would not affect my marriage next year or our relationship.

Merry Christmas once again...

安静了

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中属於我们的婚礼
却成了单人结婚进行曲

在这场爱情角力的拔河里
爱我还是爱你
你选择了自己

撒娇的可爱的
迷人的爱哭的
照片里曾经的都是你喜欢的

如今我还在原地
你却走回你的记忆

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我

你说我给你太多却不能给我什麽
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中属於我们的婚礼
安静了在我枕边的梦里

我知道相爱原本就不容易
爱不是一场雨
努力就有结局

撒娇的可爱的
迷人的爱哭的
照片里曾经的都是你爱着你的
连假的泪还温热
却没有人握我的手

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我

你说我给你太多却不能给我什麽
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你

Sheena's Wedding

Attended my God-sister, who is also my cousin, Sheena's wedding today held at Clarke Quay's Peony Jade Restaurant. It was a Retro themed wedding.
Anyway, as expected, she was the first to get married as we had bet since young. She was always saying that she will never get married until she had enough fun and that would be when she hits her 30s. However, she is 26 this year and she has got herself a man to marry. Lucky woman! Hopefully 5mths down the road would be my turn...

Updates On My Miserable Life

WORK:
It has been quite busy and it seems like GCC and BRC wants us to open up all the slots as they have been complaining about having difficulty finding slots for booking of the chemotherapy on the specific dates they want. However, they don't see our issue of having limited resources and also we need to attend to unforeseen circumstances of patients having allergy reactions or having trouble getting the chemotherapy drugs on time. Haiz... So sad and frustrating!
Breast doctors are threatening to bring the patients to NCC, if we don't give them the chemotherapy appointments.
Patients are also bugging us to give them the appointments with 1001 excuses on how they want finish their treatment on time, how worried they are if they miss the treatments, etc...


MARRIAGE LIFE:
Husband has been asking to when I want to return back with him to his place as his mum is asking him weekly about my absence. It just pisses me off. I am annoyed that he doesn't seem to understand how I feel about being treated as well as the difficulties I will face when I return. I am also annoyed that his mum can pretend as if nothing has happened, she acts like she has forgotten what she had said to me, accused me of hitting her son when I didn't, told me never to step into the house ever again as well as how she literally chased me out the house, telling me not to contact her son. I am irritated on how she can even go ask her brother, my husband's god-father to call my husband to settle things.
Anyway, I told my husband clearly over and over again, I wouldn't stop him from going back but for me to go back and pretend that nothing ever happened is kind of impossible. I even told me that the mere sight of his mum or her voice just simply annoys me. Yes, I am that turned off by her! She has really gotten onto my nerve this time.


FAMILY LIFE:
My cousin is getting hitched this Saturday. Kind of envious of her... Few friends around are also getting married. So envious of them! Most brides are happily preparing to walk down aisle while I am faced with so many obstacles and difficulties getting married. New things always seems to crop up to threaten to destroy my beautiful dreams of having a wonderful marriage. So sickening! Don't know what I had done to deserve such crap? Why can't I be like the rest of the brides, happily preparing for their wedding day? Why can't I be like the rest of the brides, having a smooth road down the aisle?


It seems like God has neglected me and has forsaken me for the past 2 plus years, not blessing me with a happy life and marriage... Why???

EQ Test I Taken...

Your score indicates that you have a below average EQ.
People that typically score in this range sometimes have trouble recognising and understanding their feelings. They are not always able to express their feelings in the most appropriate manner. They often have doubts and concerns about who they really are. They do not have much confidence in themselves and in their abilities. In most circumstances, they have a difficult time showing love, empathy and compassion for other people. In general, they are not comfortable with intimacy.



They also have trouble communicating with other people. They struggle with getting in tune with themselves and those around them. They may sometimes say the wrong thing at the wrong moment. They sometimes find it hard to show their anger or deal with anger directed at them. At times they are unable to stand up for themselves when hurt or they are handle confrontation inappropriately. They may have trouble admitting when they are wrong; and when they do make mistakes, they are often uncomfortable apologising to those they hurt.



People with below average EQ may also have low levels of self-worth. They do not like challenges or commitment and are afraid of change. They have a difficult time staying motivated and focused when they have set unattainable goals for themselves. They are fairly pessimistic about themselves and their future.



However, one great thing about emotional intelligence is that it's fluid! A person can increase their EQ at any point of their life! People with below average EQ can start by learning how to identify their emotions and take responsibility for them. There are many resources to help. People with low EQ can read books about EQ and social skills, find out about anger management courses and communication skills courses, join a support group or see a counsellor. They can keep a diary of their emotions, and ask their friends to help them recognise the things about themselves that need correcting. If these things are done there is no doubt that they can increase their emotional intelligence and live a healthy, happy life.



PS: How true...

Decision To Make

Hubby has finally vocalized that he wants to move back home and has given me maximum of 2 weeks to decide if I am moving back to him. I already firmly told me that I would not be moving back to his house unless his mum apologizes or at least shows a bit of remorse for treating me unfairly or something drastic happens that softens my heart to awake my compassionate side. I really do not wish to move back to that environment. It is unhealthy for me and not as conducive as it was when I first moved in.
My husband's reaction to my answer was to give me 2 weeks to consider and give him an answer in 2 weeks time. Looks like he doesn't understand the reason behind my strong decision.

-I don't wish to living in a home which is like a war-zone for me, constantly having to be on a look-out for someone to back-stab me or hurt me in one way or another.
-I don't wish to live my days in fear of someone sabotaging my things or fear of someone making my life a living hell.
-I don't wish to live my days watching my in laws treat me unfairly and being biased towards that PRC.
-I don't want to have myself daily thinking of how to plot back against that PRC woman in fit of anger, only to accumulate bad karma and retribution for myself to suffer in the future.
- I don't wish myself to do something evil or bad in fit of anger, only to regret my actions when I have calmed down.
- I don't want myself to do something that violates my own morals and principles just to get revenge for the things I suffered.
- I don't wish to live my life under the constant of scrutiny for someone to 'attack' me at my weak points.
- I don't wish to feel like an outcast of the household, everyone thinking that I am the devil while she is the angel.
- I am not actress and don't wish to act as if I am ok when I am not.
- My patience is running dry and I don't want to be mentally tortured or stressed with how to cope being 'unaccepted' by my in laws.
- Most importantly, as long as my mum-in law and I don't clear this 'air' or 'knot' in our hearts, we will constantly jumping to conclusion of bad intentions on each other if another mistake is made or if something bad happens.

In 2 weeks, if my husband asks me for my answer, I hope I would be able to fearlessly rationalize my reasons for not returning with him.

I sincerely pray for his understanding and for my wedding or marriage to be not affected by this decision of mine. However, I have a gut feeling, it would be affected.
Firstly, we are so 'used' to seeing each other daily and staying together, thus, once we live separately, our life would be different and that gives us more chance to let this marriage slip past us.
Secondly, we have not really healed from the cracks that almost break us apart months ago. We are still re-building the marriage and if we are staying apart, the process of re-building would slow down and even stop.
Thirdly, my heart is already too tired to withstand anymore hurts or damages. I also know just one more fall or obstacle that prevents us from getting married and I would give up trying to salvage this relationship.
Frankly speaking, I am already on verge of giving up trying to find my true happiness. Other brides can walk down the aisle happily, effortlessly to the man of their lives while this road to marriage is so hard and difficult. Obstacles keeps standing in my way to find my road to eternal bliss and happiness with the man I love. I feel like I am already breathless fighting these obstacles non-stop. They keep appearing one after another, not even giving me time to recover from the previous obstacles. I am really so sick and tired that I want to surrender but my passion for him and my love for him has kept me persevering on. Just one more fall or obstacle and I would ready to throw in the towel.

Wonder how many people out there can understand how I feel...

2 weeks is all I can with his presence near me, I am gonna just bask in this 2 weeks of blissfulness... Haiz...

5 Months More

Today, marks 5 months more of endurance that I have to go through just to walk down the aisle being his wife officially without no one criticizing or saying that I am not recognized or as some people say just a 'paper wife'.
My MIL and I have not sort out our unhappiness and I am still fuming mad at her. I thought I could forgive her easily but now it seems even the mere voice or look of her just simply piss me off.
I had went back to stay on Sunday as my husband said she did ask for me. Guess she must have been 'bullied' by her elder daughter in law and wanted me to come back. However, when I met her and entered the house, she did not even say anything to me or even smile at me. Of course, I also care-less to even acknowledge her and the mere sight of her just make my blood boils still.
Anyway, there has been a slight change in the house. My brother in law's door which was once pasted with the 'double happiness' chinese character has been taken down. Hmm, I would think something must have happened as based on the PRC's character, she wouldn't allow it taken down at all cost. It is her only 'recognition' of being married and a show of her status. Anyway, none of my concern.

Ok back to main reason of blogging... My new workplace...
For the past two days at the new workplace has been quite messy with much teething problems, supply shortage, logistic issues, unpacking of some stuff and as it is new, the area attracts many attention of visitors, big shots of the hospital, VIPs and curious people. I feel like I am an exhibit at a museum or rather a caged animal in the zoo. LOLx. GCC seems to be giving us more problems than BRC, although we predicted otherwise. LOLx. (My GCC colleagues is gonna strangle me when they see or reads this post...)

Tomorrow, would be Josephine's wedding at last. This friend of mine has gone through a long way to get her chance at walking down the aisle also. Wishing her all the best in her married life and may she stay as blissful as she already is forever.

4 CW

The rain, just never seems to bring
The joy, I feel the same
Everlasting pain of my loss remains
My heart, can't seem to learn to part
The hold you left the mark
All that I dreamed of now it seems so stark
Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
A part of me was dying
There is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one more chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
If you gave me, one more chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know,
I'd never let you go

The way, you left me on the train
I don't know what to say
I remember everything on that day
I can't believe we'd never dance
I just need one more chance
To share the sunset our one last romance
Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
A part of me was dying
There is nothing left for me to do now, but give in

If you gave me, one more chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
If you gave me, one more chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know,
I'd never let you go

Memories...

For the past weeks, my 'sister' from Melbourne has been sobbing over the phone with me on her recent failed first relationship with her first love. Somehow, at every crack in her voice which symbolizes her tears that I can hear her shedding I can empathise with her and how low she must be feeling as she relates how the relationship was ending to ended.

It just brings me back to the days when I was only 14 and experiencing my first attempt at loving this guy, whom I thought I would last as well as become his bride as well as wife on day. The relationship only lasted 1.5 months and the amount pain it had brought me was terrible. The feeling of lost, denial, longing for a chance again, waiting aimlessly, thought of how he had broken his promise of being together forever, how the crooning of 'I Swear' was just a bluff, the playing of saxaphone by Pasir Ris beach was just an empty picture of lies and how the innocent kiss on the cheeks as well as holding of hands walking home was empty promises of love between us.

After the break up with him, I was listening to 'Finally Found Someone', wondering if he would ever come back to me someday if I had waited for him patiently.

In the end, I had waited for nearly 6 years, only to find out that he had fallen in love with another friend of mine who wasn't meant to be his in the end...

However, from 14 yrs old to now, after many failed relationships I have been through for all these years, I think I have finally settle my heart to one man, my husband. It also took me one crucial event for me to realize that I actually had love him so much. It was this one event, which was a mistake that had led to my downfall, this one event also would be a permernant painful history in my marriage that may also be the cause of my divorce (touchwood!), that is if we do divorce one day (hopefully not!).

It is this funny thing about love that we won't know how much we love that special someone until we lose him/her. If you are lucky, you are permitted a second chance to correct the flaw in the relationship, only to be faced with a scar of remembrance of the wrong step you had taken to almost ruin the happiness of the relationship. After the relationship has been salvaged from that one mistake, there is a constant reminder on how you were the cause of an almost failed relationship.

Hence, should a relationship really be salvaged from the brink of it being ruined? How much efforts does it take to really erase that flaw? Or perhaps, it is impossible to amend that flaw? In that case, how worthy is the relationship to be salvaged if the flaws always serves as a constant reminder?

I am stepping into my customary wedding next year, knowing that I love my husband and won't be making the same mistake I did years back. However, if the flaw ever threatens to break up this beautiful marriage, I would not hesitate to walk away. Afterall, I know I already tried my best to make up for it and my energy as well as patience to erase it has all worn off.

Should that day ever day happens, although, I know my heart would be broken if the divorce ever happens but my heart still loves my husband as sign the papers and as I walk away from the marriage.

New Life In WDTC

Just did my shifting from GCC to WDTC this evening. Met few of my new colleagues and my new supervisor. After all the orientation of the ward surrounding and the personalities of the different colleagues, I realized I would be faced with many challenges in the future.
Here is the challenges I would need to face:
- my ward clerk has an attitude. You would need to greet her every morning and have to adapt to her working styles. If you don't 'respect' her needs and ego, you would suffer as your work will not be done by her. She works from 8-12pm and 1-5pm sharp and would leave for work or lunch puncturely.
- my new area would be under constant scrunity as it is a new department. The CEO and HODs would be making many rounds or bring V.I.Ps to introduce this new department. Thus, we can't be seen sitting around, doing nothing. Even if we are free, we MUST find things to do to look busy.
- this ward is known to be a V.I.P ward, where patients are aloof and high + mighty. Thus, everything must be done to tip-top condition and up to standard. I am not sure of where my standard lies
- the discipline of this ward is very strict. If one mistake is made, it is a straight warning letter or written warning. If the mistake is slightly more serious, it would be kicked out of the ward to another place within one month. Scary!

Wish me luck... Who knows I would be tendering resignation soon...