A Bit of My Heart Chipped Again

To that Him:
Although I know that you walk with a limp after that accident that you got involved in, during our separation period and before the final divorce papers were served, but when my friend saw you and told me about it, a part of my heart went out to you.
Not sure if it was pity or just a bit of sympathy for you. I am pretty sure it was an accident but can't help thinking it is karma as well as a form of 'someone' getting back at you on my behalf, punishing you for the hurt that I felt and sense of helplessness that I went through.

When my friend told me that you were alone, I naturally asked myself where was your wife? I answered myself, maybe she wasn't even in town, or, maybe she and you didn't marry for love but for a PR-ship. Yet, I know you wouldn't do such nonsense of being made used for obtaining a PR-ship, it just isn't you. But maybe, I don't know you anymore like you don't know the new me, the new me which you would never accept nor get along with. Whatever it is, I wish you well. I wish we would never ever cross paths in life. I wish we will never need to meet again. I wish, in fact, that I never met you, loved you, married you and allow myself to be so vulnerable to you. You have brought me much negative feelings and heartaches, so much that those memories of you and your hurt are deeply etched in my mind.
Sure, I have moved on and remarried, so have you. Yet, I can't let go of the memories we shared and had together, the good and bad, the happy ones and hurtful ones too...
I may not know about you, if you do think about what we used to be, the memories of our better days in polytechnic and what we used to share: that simplicity of love, but I don't wish to know. I don't want to know that also do think of us. I don't want my heart to hurt more for us and you. Don't tell me. Don't bother.

不值得

我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你

我走了。。。

What It Takes For Me to Feel Happy & Blissful

In my own opinion happiness/Feeling Blissful is when:
1) Witnessing a 全家福 that includes my parents and husband, knowing that all 4 of us sincerely trying to get along despite all the character or physical flaws of one another. The acceptance of one another as part of the family is comforting.
2) Sitting beside my husband as he takes over the steering wheel of my father's car and drives down the highway of Malaysia.
3) Being overseas with my dad and husband in the same vehicle, chit-chating, joking and having meals in a day trip.
4) Having a meal with my parents and husband all at one table every alternate Sunday evening.
5) Joking and creating laughters with my parents in-laws over a simple statement.

Those things were dreams and hopes I had years ago. Now these are reality and I hope they stay the same for many more years to come.

有一種悲傷留在我過往無法遺忘

有一種悲傷
是你的名字停留在我的過往
陪伴我呼吸
決定我微笑模樣
無法遺忘
有一種悲傷
是笑著與你分開
思念卻背對背張望
剩下倔強
剩下合照一張

Now that it is confirmed that we have both moved on to a new life without each other, wishing you have a more blissful marriage henceforth.

Now that it is evident that you have remarried, wishing you to be 比我们以前更幸福.

Although I still have constant reminders of what we used to be and used to have, 我会好好的过.

Although almost every corner of my daily life does bring about memories of us, I am reminded that without you, my life is much better.

But, you will always be a part of my pessimistic outlook and insecurity in life. You will always be the reason why I carry a pain in my heart.

As we start 2019 anew, I hope starting from 2019 onwards and knowing that we have both moved on well post-divorce, I would think of you less, releasing the deeply rooted feeling of unforgiveness that I have for you, as well as begin to attempt stop having evil-thoughts of witnessing your bad karma for everything you have put me through without an proper apology or satisfactory closure.

When Love is Gone and Replaced

愛都累了走了沒了
留下錐心的溫柔
除了它我什麼都沒有
當鋼琴在彈奏著
那麼應景的歌
我只聽見我哭了

夢都做了醒了散了
留下錐心的溫柔
你的吻餘溫都被沒收
好想緊緊抱著
卻是天涯之隔
錐心的溫柔瘋狂蔓延著

Perhaps our foundation wasn't build upon firmly. Neither was our love for each other strong enough to withstand the test of time, maturity and other avenues of interest.
Perhaps you just didn't understand the sanctity of a marriage and said your wedding vows for the sake of getting it over and done with, so that you could have your signature on the marriage certificate.
Perhaps we should have not progress on and be determined to get married when I went astray while you were at Taiwan. We should have broken off then.
Perhaps our lives would be better and we won't have wasted each others' youth, holding each other back from finding our own happiness.
Perhaps I should have more determined to let go of you, instead investing more feelings, commitments and love into our relationship.
Perhaps I should have left things the way it was and neglect whatever 面子 issues or gossips that I was worried about.

Either way, you have moved on your own way and I have too. You are preparing to get married again and I have already done so 3 years back. You have moved house and so have I. 我们互不相干了。

Letting The Hatred Go

After some wise words from friends, family and my husband, I have decided to let go the 'what-ifs' and 'sense of possible betrayal' from you during our marriage. Nothing is for certain and non-conclusive. I also don't wish to dig furthur, as there wouldn't be any use nor benefits to me to know too much. Afterall, I am comfortable and fairly happy with my current life. So since life after you is much to my content, there isn't any purpose to search who she is, how you know her, how long you have been with her and whether you are being under 'black magic' or so whatever related to your future marriage... Just let nature takes its own course or karma (be it good or bad) to catch up with you.

However, with that said, that doesn't mean that I would, could and have forgiven you. Neither does it mean that I have forgotten the hurt that you had caused me. (Perhaps you feel the same way, that I have also hurt you during our days before ROM by almost choosing Andy while you were in Taiwan, on NS training and almost considering breaking up with you once you are back from Taiwan. Bear in mind, we were not committed to get engaged nor married, hence, I still have the choice to choose whom I would like to be with or whom I won't want to be with. Don't forget, I left my ex-boyfriend for you too, thinking that you were better for me.) On the hindsight, we had probably hurt each other at different periods of the relationship and marriage. However, I maintained that what I had done was before marriage and since you had decided to reconcile, proposed to me two years later and mentioned that you had the interest to get ROM with me, you should have not bore this grudges, nor use this excuse as you reason to hurt me back and caused me so much mental as well as emotional torment/turmoil to the extend that I had few fleeting moments of considering suicide.

With all said and done, I wouldn't wish you anything for your impending marriage in 1.5 months time. Just hope this isn't another decision that you would regret, say that you forgot your wedding vows or how you don't understand nor know what you have signed for on the marriage certificate.

Do take care... Love is definitely blind.

Everything Makes Perfect Sense

Everything makes sense now, perfect sense indeed...
From the interest to worship the four-faced Buddha, to the listening of Thai songs, to those late nights claiming to be at work, to the erectile dysfunction and needed trips with your 'bros' overseas...
Yes, those makes sense. Those hints that you have dropped and I had failed to realised that have found someone new.

May you have a happy marriage to that Thai woman, who is 2 years your senior! Merry Xmas eve marriage, hopefully your union be as holy as you wish it to be... A Snake hoe will always remain a 妖精。