Once In A While...

Once in a while, I am reminded that I am afterall a divorcee.
Once in a while, I get this naggy feeling that I am not that successful afterall.
Once in a while, I have this passive thoughts that I am suffering the karma of being a self-centred and feminist person as a teenager as well as during my early adulthood.
Once in a while, I feel suppressed under the feet of fate and being played out by God.
Once in a while, I am forced to admit defeat that I am nothing more than just a below average human being.
Once in a while, my life sucks so much that I wish that I never did existed.
Once in a while, I wished I could retreat into my personal dark space and be left alone to wallow in self-pity.
Once in a while, I wonder the reason of existence for my life and how I can fulfill the reason of existence so that I can earn my rights to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and meet my God.
Once in a while, I pray feverishly, even though I know that I was forsaken and perhaps, forgotten by God.
Once in a while, I am misunderstood and misjudged by mortals that think that they know me well enough to rule my life.
Once in a while, I am controlled by my own irrational emotions and insecurities to behave weirdly.
Once in a while, I silently slip into depression without anyone noticing and managed to lie to eveyone else that I am fine.

That's my life of me, myself and I. How pathetic!

More Than A Year Later From 18 Nov 2012

18 Nov 2013 marks 365 days after the freedom of singlehood... Life post-divorce...
Much have changed.
1) He finally disconnected his mobile line as promised. *THANKFULLY, AT LONG LAST*
2) I am engaged.
3) I got my degree with distinction (something he perhaps never expected, 'cause he thought I would give up my studies due to the divorce and that I would 'die' without him).
4) I changed my workplace and am holding a dual position in my new workplace.
5) I am considering, seriously considering getting ROM again in 2014... *just a thought* No concrete plans yet.
6) I am considering to do my Masters In Nursing in the next few years to come or maybe not due to family commitments if I really get married and have a kid/kids
7) I have been travelling around frequently, at least once every 3 months. (something I was unable to do when I was married before.)
8) I am fighting a new battle with my parents and their disapproval of my current relationship. 9) Family dynamics have changed as my dad starts to andropause and becomes a little more temperamental.

Lastly and mostly importantly, I am a much improved me and I have learned to enjoy myself better. I have the full support a good boyfriend or should I say,  fiance, to do whatever I desire, within reasonable boundaries. His love is shown through actions than just words, something that I would appreciate in a relationship.

As 2013 comes to a close in nearly a month more,  I pray for a better 2014 to come in all aspects of my life...

Thoughts (Edited)

1) Wondering how you have been since we went our own ways about 1.5 years ago?
2) Wondering if you have done your own self-reflection and realized what a jerk you were and if do feel a tinge of regret that the marriage had ended in that way?
3) Wondering if you and your family have even moved from Sengkang as I never had a chance (not that I wanted to) bump into you while shopping at Compasspoint or being around Sengkang area to run errands?
4) Wondering if you still do read my blog or have you stopped as promised?
5) Wondering if you finally realized your own dreams to be successful in your career, pursued or pursuing your Masters, gotten your driving licence and own a car?
6) Wondering if karma has found you and taken revenge on my behalf?

As for myself, my life post-divorce is all in this blog. Wouldn't say it has been perfect, neither has it been smooth-sailing, but all I can say is that life hasn't knock me down enough to make me lay down motionless. I am still very much fighting my own race.
I am also no longer the same Amelia that you knew and left. I am much more confident and more sharped tongue when provoked, doubt you wouldn't been able to communicate with me on the same wavelength anymore.
I also have sufficient supportive close friends and relatives with the trials that I faced or am facing in life post-divorce. I am also much appreciative towars you somehow for the divorce. it made me stronger and freed me from an un-natural self. Like you have said to me, "Amelia, let's stop pretending and face it, the love is gone and forcing each other to accept one another isn't gonna work out anymore.", thanks for that wake-up call. Thanks for that snap of realization of truth, the truth that our love had long worn thin and that the marriage was maintained due to pride and fear of losing face.
Although I haven't been able to forgive and forget all that you done (and I know that I will never will), I am just glad I did walk away and survived.
All the best to you. All the best to me. All the best to us, without one another. All the best to us and our future.

New Meaning To Having My Starbucks

Song:  咖啡
By:  张学友

太濃了吧　
否則怎會苦得說不出話
每次都一個人　
在自問自答　
我們的愛到底還在嗎
已經淡了吧　
多放些糖也很難有變化
不如喝完這杯　
就各自回家　
別坐在對面欣賞我的掙扎
一場失敗的愛情像個笑話　
熱的時候心亂如麻
冷了以後看見自己夠傻　
人怎麼會如此容易無法自拔
一場無味的愛情像個謊話　
甜的時候只相信
它苦了以後每一句都可怕　
人怎麼會如此難以了無牽掛

Empty Post

Randomness. Emo-ness.

Forgiveness

During one of his inspirational talks, Nick Vujicic spoke on forgiveness on the hurt caused by those you know and those who you don't. He even apologized on behalf those who had caused hurt knowingly and those who caused hurt unknowingly.

This brought about self-reflection on my own life and heart:
- Have I really forgiven those who had hurt me?
- Have I really let go of those grudges especially when the hurt was done by the ones who were closed to me?
- Have I really come to terms and accept that the ones who had hurt me were just being human and being human equates to err?
- Have I really put down those stones of resentment that I was being hurt and harmed in one way or another?
- Have I really accepted the fact that my history sucked due to those had caused hurt to me?

Guess the true is, NO. As much as I wish to forgive those people who had hurt me, I can't. Perhaps I have accepted my history but I still can't accept the fact that I was hurt by those people, especially the ones whom I had loved and trusted dearly.

The worst is that those who were dear to me and had hurt me had never apologize for the hurt that have caused. They had reflected and realized that hurt and damage were done but they simply refused to apologize as they felt that I deserved it.

Forgiveness is a easy word to preach but a hard task to perform.
Forgiveness is much desired by me but also a challenge to let go of those hurts and bitterness.
I truly hope one day I would be able to proudly say I have forgiven those who I had failed to truly forgive in my life, this includes:
1) my own parents for being biased, not understanding me and being abusive physically when I was younger.
2) my cousins for being judgemental on me due their own parents' prejudice that I was a doomed failure in my own life.
3) my relatives who had despised me that I was a failure as I was unable to achieve good grades in school.
4) Mr Ivan Teng for destroying my impression of first love and misunderstanding me thinking that I was a flirt when the truth was I spiteful towards his hurt.
5) Mr Jeff Ng for failing me as a husband and even had the cheek that he didn't know what he was doing when he had signed on our marriage certificate.  As well as being verbally and emotionally abusive for the last 6 years of our relationship. 

I am no God but that doesn't make me any less a Christian. Perhaps one day, just one day,  I will be able to forgive. Perhaps I would bring these resentment up with me to heaven and ask God for the explanation to those hurts...

The Way You Walked Into My Life

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done
Now I can't go on without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.
I always thought I would stand on my own
Climb a mountain top all alone
Relying, depending on no one
Now look at what you've done
Now I can't go on without you