爱自己更深

Came across this song from a friend's Instagram post and the lyrics is quite reflective of what I went through with my ex-husband. Actually all the tell-tale signs that this marriage wasn't going to last nor will be a blissful one were already there but I still went ahead with the wedding and even stayed in the marriage for the next 6 years. I could have chosen to annul the marriage as he started changing his behaviour and attitude towards me 9 months into the legal matrimony binding we had. 

(如果你真的打算不闻不问, 如果就这样 

放下我一个人 ) 

When we quarrelled or had a fight, he would not even bother to show any forms of concerns. Yet, he expects me to compromise to his 'headaches', 'tiredness' or 'need for sleep'. My well-being was never his top priority, even when I was sick, I was told that I have hands and legs to see doctor myself, thus, should handle myself. 

After our last fight, he also insisted that I leave his house for good at 1+am alone, and even went to lengths to chase me out by being spiteful. My safety to reach home or even get a cab were least of his concerns. His main concern was that I leave his place as soon as possible after the arguement so that he can have a good night's rest and sleep. 

(明天我学着自己消化伤痕, 成为更值得 懂得 被爱的人) 

After that last fight and with his statement of 'I don't love you anymore', I walked out and started to reflect on myself, realising that I was mostly left alone to fend for myself. He as my husband was never there for me when I needed him or his love. 

The moment I reached back to my parents'place and back to my own room, that was the time I knew that I had to learn to love myself again, to accept myself once more, to be strong for myself and face the divorce head on. 

(都怪我不愿相信你是坏人) 

During the downtimes of the marriage, my close friend had already seen through him and tell me that he wasn't a good husband for me, she even suggested that I leave him instead. However, I kept telling and deceiving myself that his behaviour as well as temper towards to me improve, I even defended him and his actions as stemming from stress of studying for his degree. 

(都怪我一厢情愿用情太深) 

All my tolerance and patience was a foolishness on my part. I had to keep asking myself to hold on tightly to my marriage as I love him a lot. I thought my love was good enough for him to see that I was the wife for him. I had so much to lookforward to with him: living together in our love nest of the BTO flat. 

There were also constant self-consolation of myself that our marriage would be better after we start living as a couple, away from our parents. 

(谢谢你终于让我恢复单身, 学会爱自己更深)

After the separation and divorce, I have learnt to take care of my own needs and wants first. I have learnt to treasure my own freedom. I have learnt to be more of a feminist, to love myself better.

To my ex-husband, 

If you are still following or read my blog secretly, I believe that I have crossed with your cousin on the night of Lunar New Year's eve. Although, I have forgotten his name and even took me an extended time recognizes him, until I found the glare and sulky face familiar, I am pretty sure he can testify that I am definetely in a happier place and relationship/partnership/marriage now. And yes, the man who was with me is my husband. Our lives may not be perfect, but we are happy together and complement one another. We have healthy arguments and no usage of vulgarities with none of any abusive behaviours or actions towards one another.

I do wish you well too as I know that you have also remarried a Thai-lady. May you be also genuinely happily married with her. May you both, complement one another too. 

Although, I still very much carry the pain, hurt and some hatred towards you, I do wish you all the best as well as may we never cross paths if possible...

10 Years Has Past: A Reflection

It's 2020, this marks my survival for another decade. From Y2K, many theories of apocalypse as well as doomsday came and went back without it actually happening. Few eclipses happened to no issues either. However, for the past 10 years, my emotional and mental state was put through tests and trials.

As I reflect of my last decade... 

1. I got my advance diploma in June 2010

2. I got my degree in Dec 2012

3. I got my promo at work in June 2012

4. I  left a marriage that no longer served me well in April 2012 and officially divorced in Nov 2012. 

5. I gained a better guy in Sept 2012 and married him in April 2015

6. I lost my most loved grandma in Dec 2011. 

7. I gained a cat in June 2015

8. I have a home to call my own in 2015

9. I gained weight (whole 10yrs!)

10. I regained my freedom in April 2012 back to singlehood, something I missed for 12 years since being attached at just 17 years old. 

11. I did my first solo overseas trip in May 2012.

12. I reached a career level whereby I am now comfortable.

13. I turned away from Christianity due to lack of His promises and merits gained from Him in June 2019.

14. Calmed my soul and mind by slowly accepting another religion in July 2019. 

With lots of events happening in 2012 and 2015, I am thankful that I was strong enough to tough it out. Being able to come out of the events, made me feel that I am a better woman for myself, 

Wonder where 2020 - 2030 will bring me. Likely still alive and more perhaps by then the elderly diseases will creep up to me. Haha... 

Reflections of What Makes A Man Faithful to His Partner/Wife

This morning I was having a conversation with my husband on the way to work. I brought up the topic asking him (as a man) what is/are the factor/s that would make a man faithful to his wife, girlfriend or partner? I brought up the example of a mutual friend, he is rich and practically quite powerful in the sense of spiritual world. His mouth can get a bit flirtatious but his actions speaks of love for his wife. My husband said probably it is because this friend of yours wears the Buddhism amulets and would be constantly to be reminded to be faithful, or else karma may strike him. Then I brought up my ex-husband as a counter-argument. He too wears the 4-faced Buddhist figurine as an amulet, yet he didn't know how to treat me well and/or wasn't faithful to me. I also brought up my brother in-law, my husband's younger brother, who is also very successful in life and quite financially secured, he doesn't wear any form of amulet but he loves his wife so dearly and even stayed with her since JC years until now.

After this little 'debate', we concluded whether one is able to practise faithfulness to spouse, partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is based on a few factors:
1) character of one and how he/she is brought up
2) how much one loves the other partner, spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend
3) how secure one feels being in the current relationship. This also means how much one trusts, feels stability as well as the foundation of the relationship is being built on.

At the same time, I told my husband that if he or me would have the chance to meet my ex-husband and if he askes how I am coping. My answer is I am very 幸福 now.
I may not have everything that I wanted in an ideal world. I may not be married to a handsome, tall, rich and be driven around in some sports/branded car. However, I am fortunate to have found a man who is willing to take care of me, dotes on me and loves me enough to ferry me to and from work, considerate enough to put me as his top priority, lastly, he is able to be filial to my parents too to visit them for meals every alternate weekend and ask about them should any issues arises. He is willing to go out of the way to ensure my needs are met. He is also mature enough to discuss and thrash out our differences without any violence, no petty tantrums or lashing out of vulgarities at me. That is more than what I experienced in my previous marriage. So if I feel thankful and grateful, it would be unfair to him.

I would end this post by saying, although I still hurt fm the previous marriage not working out the way I wished it would, but I am definetely happier and much more satisfied with my current marital status. Hence, the more likely I would stay faithful to my husband due to the fulfilment of the above named factors, including our transparency in the marriage. No secrets. No hidden agenda.

09092019: 7 Year Itch

How time flies... I have been in a relationship leading to marriage 7 years ago. So let's just say that the 7-year itch for us has begun, a superstition that had been believing due to the previous relationship I had with my ex-husband. Yes, he was my husband for nearly 1 year before cracks started showing. The stubborn and blinded side of me had endured another 5 years of roller coaster up-down emotional ride before finally calling it quits.

This time, the 7-year itch is with my current husband of 4 years. Plus, we are in a more mature stage of life and age, to handle things. We also seldom have an big argument fight, leading to cold war as we are able to handle conflicts better. Perhaps coupled with more EQ to less hot-tempered also benefited.

At times, I do reflect on my past relationship with my ex-husband, wondering many what-ifs, whys and how-comes to many unanswerable questions. Was it really just us? Is the superstitions true? Could we have avoided it? Either way, let's see my current relationship does survive the 7-year itch, 'cause I have some confidence that it would.

Slowly Backsliding

It is quite hard to believe a certain religion that I once held so dear to me, so convinced about its teaching, has made me feel disencouraged and doubtful now.
The events that I have witnessed and gone through personally for past 7-9 months has made me mentally and emotionally challenged my spiritual belief, whilst at the same time reflecting on my past experiences comparing with other believers of the same faith. Perhaps I was never meant for this religion, or just maybe I shouldn't have ever had high hopes and expectations that this religion would bring me good experiences just by being good as a human.
Maybe this God doesn't exist for me.
Maybe this route to follow His words and path isn't meant for me to walk.
Maybe He has taken this Guardian Angel of mine away due to some reason.
Maybe I should walk away from believing that He is for me and will help me.
Maybe I should free my mind and open my heart to other religions as I had once did as a child way into my early teens.
Since He can't serve justice and punishments fairly, then perhaps He is just biased. (Idk)

It is just sad that things had to come to this. It is just sad that I have to desperately seek refuge elsewhere and start understanding another religion, in bid to feel more secure from all the crap that He has put me through, only to protect and 'forgive' His own childrens' daily and weekly sins.

He is slowly losing me week by week, month by month, letting me hear and witness how His children gets away pretty much scot-free with their spreading of false accusations, blasphemy, rumours and abuse of power. Soon, He may lose me forever...

Religion: Good and Black Sheeps

These few years and especially months, I have had my eyes opened to bad behaving Christians that I am starting to doubt Jesus and the Almighty God Father. It seems the law of Karma has been blinded yet again. I have regained my insecurities and sadly, slipped away from what I once perceived as my peaceful, fair and justified God.

Yet through these few months and especially weeks, I have had my eyes and attention diverted to another religion, which I had once dislike and felt disgusted before due to few black sheeps. Instead, now I don't view it as satanic nor evil. I have even started to entered the world of it, trying to understand it furthur.

I have begun to view religion having its good and bad side. It doesn't take one to self-declare their religion as being a true worshipper or believer of that particular religion, but rather, it is their actions that speaks for the religion. One can proclaimed that he/she is a Christian, yet goes around spreading false rumours, backstabbing people, misusing their status and societal power to manipulate situations to their own benefits and in the meantime, creating hurtful events to others. One can say that he/she has embraced Thai Buddhism, yet create lies, betrayal, deceit as well as false promises, only to finally shatter dreams of others. One can pray to whatever God and Heavenly Deities but their daily actions doesn't reflect the goodness of their religious teachings or guiding principles. Although I agree that we are all humans, not made to be perfect and have negative emotions, but the fact that these people knowingly make use of others' weaknesses, or to use their own power in the society, or to use their monetary abilities to manipulate situations to favour themselves, while putting others in a bad light or jeopardising others' careers.

At these moment in time, I am really sitting on the fence, asking myself if I am being a devoted Christian or revert to being a free-thinker since Jesus, God or Heavenly Father hasn't brought me much smoothness in life and serve the karma to deserving individuals who claims to be Children of God. In fact, these Children of God continues to be blessed despite their ill-behaviour and intentions...

May the right religion show me the way now.

What If Our Paths Crossed Again

During the course of years after my divorce, I had a few people and even myself asking this question: what if one day our paths crossed again? What would I do or what would happen?

Well, on a logical basis, I would quote you, "we would ignore one another and pretend that we never knew one another. Strangers once again."
However, on a reality basis, I may not know you but I do myself, that one thing for sure, that would be that you to spark an array of emotions in me, ranging from anger to sympathy. Anger that stemmed from what had happened between us that made me on verge of reaching breaking point of almost making me less worthy and near suicidal. Anger that I had misjudged us to be happily married and anger that I had wasted much of my patience as well as time on you with hopes that we would regain back those days of love we once shared.
I would also have sympathy on you as you walk with a limp, hopefully not that obvious to the plain eye to notice. The more limp your gait is, the more I would pity you for the karma served on my behalf.

Although, our lives are separated and completed with someone else as we have  remarried, I still do not wish to cross paths with you ever, especially not with my current husband and your new wife by our sides.

As my friend once said to me, if our fate has ended, we would never cross path again. I sincerely wish that to be true...