10 Years Has Past: A Reflection

It's 2020, this marks my survival for another decade. From Y2K, many theories of apocalypse as well as doomsday came and went back without it actually happening. Few eclipses happened to no issues either. However, for the past 10 years, my emotional and mental state was put through tests and trials.

As I reflect of my last decade... 

1. I got my advance diploma in June 2010

2. I got my degree in Dec 2012

3. I got my promo at work in June 2012

4. I  left a marriage that no longer served me well in April 2012 and officially divorced in Nov 2012. 

5. I gained a better guy in Sept 2012 and married him in April 2015

6. I lost my most loved grandma in Dec 2011. 

7. I gained a cat in June 2015

8. I have a home to call my own in 2015

9. I gained weight (whole 10yrs!)

10. I regained my freedom in April 2012 back to singlehood, something I missed for 12 years since being attached at just 17 years old. 

11. I did my first solo overseas trip in May 2012.

12. I reached a career level whereby I am now comfortable.

13. I turned away from Christianity due to lack of His promises and merits gained from Him in June 2019.

14. Calmed my soul and mind by slowly accepting another religion in July 2019. 

With lots of events happening in 2012 and 2015, I am thankful that I was strong enough to tough it out. Being able to come out of the events, made me feel that I am a better woman for myself, 

Wonder where 2020 - 2030 will bring me. Likely still alive and more perhaps by then the elderly diseases will creep up to me. Haha... 

Reflections of What Makes A Man Faithful to His Partner/Wife

This morning I was having a conversation with my husband on the way to work. I brought up the topic asking him (as a man) what is/are the factor/s that would make a man faithful to his wife, girlfriend or partner? I brought up the example of a mutual friend, he is rich and practically quite powerful in the sense of spiritual world. His mouth can get a bit flirtatious but his actions speaks of love for his wife. My husband said probably it is because this friend of yours wears the Buddhism amulets and would be constantly to be reminded to be faithful, or else karma may strike him. Then I brought up my ex-husband as a counter-argument. He too wears the 4-faced Buddhist figurine as an amulet, yet he didn't know how to treat me well and/or wasn't faithful to me. I also brought up my brother in-law, my husband's younger brother, who is also very successful in life and quite financially secured, he doesn't wear any form of amulet but he loves his wife so dearly and even stayed with her since JC years until now.

After this little 'debate', we concluded whether one is able to practise faithfulness to spouse, partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is based on a few factors:
1) character of one and how he/she is brought up
2) how much one loves the other partner, spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend
3) how secure one feels being in the current relationship. This also means how much one trusts, feels stability as well as the foundation of the relationship is being built on.

At the same time, I told my husband that if he or me would have the chance to meet my ex-husband and if he askes how I am coping. My answer is I am very 幸福 now.
I may not have everything that I wanted in an ideal world. I may not be married to a handsome, tall, rich and be driven around in some sports/branded car. However, I am fortunate to have found a man who is willing to take care of me, dotes on me and loves me enough to ferry me to and from work, considerate enough to put me as his top priority, lastly, he is able to be filial to my parents too to visit them for meals every alternate weekend and ask about them should any issues arises. He is willing to go out of the way to ensure my needs are met. He is also mature enough to discuss and thrash out our differences without any violence, no petty tantrums or lashing out of vulgarities at me. That is more than what I experienced in my previous marriage. So if I feel thankful and grateful, it would be unfair to him.

I would end this post by saying, although I still hurt fm the previous marriage not working out the way I wished it would, but I am definetely happier and much more satisfied with my current marital status. Hence, the more likely I would stay faithful to my husband due to the fulfilment of the above named factors, including our transparency in the marriage. No secrets. No hidden agenda.

09092019: 7 Year Itch

How time flies... I have been in a relationship leading to marriage 7 years ago. So let's just say that the 7-year itch for us has begun, a superstition that had been believing due to the previous relationship I had with my ex-husband. Yes, he was my husband for nearly 1 year before cracks started showing. The stubborn and blinded side of me had endured another 5 years of roller coaster up-down emotional ride before finally calling it quits.

This time, the 7-year itch is with my current husband of 4 years. Plus, we are in a more mature stage of life and age, to handle things. We also seldom have an big argument fight, leading to cold war as we are able to handle conflicts better. Perhaps coupled with more EQ to less hot-tempered also benefited.

At times, I do reflect on my past relationship with my ex-husband, wondering many what-ifs, whys and how-comes to many unanswerable questions. Was it really just us? Is the superstitions true? Could we have avoided it? Either way, let's see my current relationship does survive the 7-year itch, 'cause I have some confidence that it would.

Slowly Backsliding

It is quite hard to believe a certain religion that I once held so dear to me, so convinced about its teaching, has made me feel disencouraged and doubtful now.
The events that I have witnessed and gone through personally for past 7-9 months has made me mentally and emotionally challenged my spiritual belief, whilst at the same time reflecting on my past experiences comparing with other believers of the same faith. Perhaps I was never meant for this religion, or just maybe I shouldn't have ever had high hopes and expectations that this religion would bring me good experiences just by being good as a human.
Maybe this God doesn't exist for me.
Maybe this route to follow His words and path isn't meant for me to walk.
Maybe He has taken this Guardian Angel of mine away due to some reason.
Maybe I should walk away from believing that He is for me and will help me.
Maybe I should free my mind and open my heart to other religions as I had once did as a child way into my early teens.
Since He can't serve justice and punishments fairly, then perhaps He is just biased. (Idk)

It is just sad that things had to come to this. It is just sad that I have to desperately seek refuge elsewhere and start understanding another religion, in bid to feel more secure from all the crap that He has put me through, only to protect and 'forgive' His own childrens' daily and weekly sins.

He is slowly losing me week by week, month by month, letting me hear and witness how His children gets away pretty much scot-free with their spreading of false accusations, blasphemy, rumours and abuse of power. Soon, He may lose me forever...

Religion: Good and Black Sheeps

These few years and especially months, I have had my eyes opened to bad behaving Christians that I am starting to doubt Jesus and the Almighty God Father. It seems the law of Karma has been blinded yet again. I have regained my insecurities and sadly, slipped away from what I once perceived as my peaceful, fair and justified God.

Yet through these few months and especially weeks, I have had my eyes and attention diverted to another religion, which I had once dislike and felt disgusted before due to few black sheeps. Instead, now I don't view it as satanic nor evil. I have even started to entered the world of it, trying to understand it furthur.

I have begun to view religion having its good and bad side. It doesn't take one to self-declare their religion as being a true worshipper or believer of that particular religion, but rather, it is their actions that speaks for the religion. One can proclaimed that he/she is a Christian, yet goes around spreading false rumours, backstabbing people, misusing their status and societal power to manipulate situations to their own benefits and in the meantime, creating hurtful events to others. One can say that he/she has embraced Thai Buddhism, yet create lies, betrayal, deceit as well as false promises, only to finally shatter dreams of others. One can pray to whatever God and Heavenly Deities but their daily actions doesn't reflect the goodness of their religious teachings or guiding principles. Although I agree that we are all humans, not made to be perfect and have negative emotions, but the fact that these people knowingly make use of others' weaknesses, or to use their own power in the society, or to use their monetary abilities to manipulate situations to favour themselves, while putting others in a bad light or jeopardising others' careers.

At these moment in time, I am really sitting on the fence, asking myself if I am being a devoted Christian or revert to being a free-thinker since Jesus, God or Heavenly Father hasn't brought me much smoothness in life and serve the karma to deserving individuals who claims to be Children of God. In fact, these Children of God continues to be blessed despite their ill-behaviour and intentions...

May the right religion show me the way now.

What If Our Paths Crossed Again

During the course of years after my divorce, I had a few people and even myself asking this question: what if one day our paths crossed again? What would I do or what would happen?

Well, on a logical basis, I would quote you, "we would ignore one another and pretend that we never knew one another. Strangers once again."
However, on a reality basis, I may not know you but I do myself, that one thing for sure, that would be that you to spark an array of emotions in me, ranging from anger to sympathy. Anger that stemmed from what had happened between us that made me on verge of reaching breaking point of almost making me less worthy and near suicidal. Anger that I had misjudged us to be happily married and anger that I had wasted much of my patience as well as time on you with hopes that we would regain back those days of love we once shared.
I would also have sympathy on you as you walk with a limp, hopefully not that obvious to the plain eye to notice. The more limp your gait is, the more I would pity you for the karma served on my behalf.

Although, our lives are separated and completed with someone else as we have  remarried, I still do not wish to cross paths with you ever, especially not with my current husband and your new wife by our sides.

As my friend once said to me, if our fate has ended, we would never cross path again. I sincerely wish that to be true...

Another Surgery, Another Hospital Stay, Another Man

Just came back home after a 2 days hospitalization stay. As mentioned, 2019 hasn't been a good year for me. Dealing with lots of ups and downs for the past few months.

This time round of hospitalization and having my husband beside me majority of the time. He just good like that, simple man yet willing to sacrifice his business making and time just to be make sure I am fine post-operatively. For the next few days to weeks, I will be depending him to do daily wound dressings for me.

This hospitalization reminded me of my cyst surgery done more than a decade ago, I was cared for by a different guy. A guy whom I thought was going to be a good and devoted husband. A guy whom I decided to be with and thought we would grow old together, caring for one another until our death-bed. Another way, that aside. The main gist of this post is on the emotional self-reflection of comparison after being cared by two different man, at a different age gap. The feeling I had were comparatively different in such ways:
1) With my ex, I had that feeling of being touched by his care and sacrifices to shuttle between his army barrack to hospital on a daily basis. Staying overnight with me. With my current husband, I had that neutral feeling that it was an expected outcome that he should be there with me throughout the whole hospitalization, leaving me only to get his meals or to return back home to feed my cat.
2) With my ex, I had this warm and fuzzy feeling of love that he used his sacrificial actions to prove his doting nature. With my current husband, I feel this gratitude that he was always there, never leaving my side unnecessarily. I felt his support and tender nature that make me feel a form of affirmation that I didn't marry a wrong guy.
3) Although this time round my visitors were less, I still felt the concerned shown by my mother in-law. Her companionship in the hours after my surgery together with my husband was impeccably nice of her. She didn't have to spend her whole afternoon with me, she could have chose to go play mahjong with her own siblings or even stay home to read her online books, yet she chose to remain in the room with us and spend her time to ensure I was well supported.
4) Although I did feel miserable every night when the post-operative pain were the worse, my husband only slept when I slept. His sacrifice of sleep is something my ex couldn't do. In the eyes of my ex, sleep was his priority, I was never more important than his sleep hours. This for a fact is yet again, another reason for the feeling of self-reassurance that I didn't marry the wrong man.
5) As my ex was medically trained, he wasn't very on the ball learning how to take care of me post-operatively. My current husband took all trouble to learn how to do wound cleaning and dressing, which he knows is crucial for the my recovery. Even my surgeon praised him for his TLC (tender loving care) in performing the wound care procedure.

In conclusion, I do have some faith that I didn't marry the wrong man again... Hopefully this time, it wouldn't prove me otherwise again.