有一種悲傷留在我過往無法遺忘

有一種悲傷
是你的名字停留在我的過往
陪伴我呼吸
決定我微笑模樣
無法遺忘
有一種悲傷
是笑著與你分開
思念卻背對背張望
剩下倔強
剩下合照一張

Now that it is confirmed that we have both moved on to a new life without each other, wishing you have a more blissful marriage henceforth.

Now that it is evident that you have remarried, wishing you to be 比我们以前更幸福.

Although I still have constant reminders of what we used to be and used to have, 我会好好的过.

Although almost every corner of my daily life does bring about memories of us, I am reminded that without you, my life is much better.

But, you will always be a part of my pessimistic outlook and insecurity in life. You will always be the reason why I carry a pain in my heart.

As we start 2019 anew, I hope starting from 2019 onwards and knowing that we have both moved on well post-divorce, I would think of you less, releasing the deeply rooted feeling of unforgiveness that I have for you, as well as begin to attempt stop having evil-thoughts of witnessing your bad karma for everything you have put me through without an proper apology or satisfactory closure.

When Love is Gone and Replaced

愛都累了走了沒了
留下錐心的溫柔
除了它我什麼都沒有
當鋼琴在彈奏著
那麼應景的歌
我只聽見我哭了

夢都做了醒了散了
留下錐心的溫柔
你的吻餘溫都被沒收
好想緊緊抱著
卻是天涯之隔
錐心的溫柔瘋狂蔓延著

Perhaps our foundation wasn't build upon firmly. Neither was our love for each other strong enough to withstand the test of time, maturity and other avenues of interest.
Perhaps you just didn't understand the sanctity of a marriage and said your wedding vows for the sake of getting it over and done with, so that you could have your signature on the marriage certificate.
Perhaps we should have not progress on and be determined to get married when I went astray while you were at Taiwan. We should have broken off then.
Perhaps our lives would be better and we won't have wasted each others' youth, holding each other back from finding our own happiness.
Perhaps I should have more determined to let go of you, instead investing more feelings, commitments and love into our relationship.
Perhaps I should have left things the way it was and neglect whatever 面子 issues or gossips that I was worried about.

Either way, you have moved on your own way and I have too. You are preparing to get married again and I have already done so 3 years back. You have moved house and so have I. 我们互不相干了。

Letting The Hatred Go

After some wise words from friends, family and my husband, I have decided to let go the 'what-ifs' and 'sense of possible betrayal' from you during our marriage. Nothing is for certain and non-conclusive. I also don't wish to dig furthur, as there wouldn't be any use nor benefits to me to know too much. Afterall, I am comfortable and fairly happy with my current life. So since life after you is much to my content, there isn't any purpose to search who she is, how you know her, how long you have been with her and whether you are being under 'black magic' or so whatever related to your future marriage... Just let nature takes its own course or karma (be it good or bad) to catch up with you.

However, with that said, that doesn't mean that I would, could and have forgiven you. Neither does it mean that I have forgotten the hurt that you had caused me. (Perhaps you feel the same way, that I have also hurt you during our days before ROM by almost choosing Andy while you were in Taiwan, on NS training and almost considering breaking up with you once you are back from Taiwan. Bear in mind, we were not committed to get engaged nor married, hence, I still have the choice to choose whom I would like to be with or whom I won't want to be with. Don't forget, I left my ex-boyfriend for you too, thinking that you were better for me.) On the hindsight, we had probably hurt each other at different periods of the relationship and marriage. However, I maintained that what I had done was before marriage and since you had decided to reconcile, proposed to me two years later and mentioned that you had the interest to get ROM with me, you should have not bore this grudges, nor use this excuse as you reason to hurt me back and caused me so much mental as well as emotional torment/turmoil to the extend that I had few fleeting moments of considering suicide.

With all said and done, I wouldn't wish you anything for your impending marriage in 1.5 months time. Just hope this isn't another decision that you would regret, say that you forgot your wedding vows or how you don't understand nor know what you have signed for on the marriage certificate.

Do take care... Love is definitely blind.

Everything Makes Perfect Sense

Everything makes sense now, perfect sense indeed...
From the interest to worship the four-faced Buddha, to the listening of Thai songs, to those late nights claiming to be at work, to the erectile dysfunction and needed trips with your 'bros' overseas...
Yes, those makes sense. Those hints that you have dropped and I had failed to realised that have found someone new.

May you have a happy marriage to that Thai woman, who is 2 years your senior! Merry Xmas eve marriage, hopefully your union be as holy as you wish it to be... A Snake hoe will always remain a 妖精。

Memories of You

6 and a half years has past since that fateful day and there has never been a time that I am reminded of the end of our marriage and relationship. Even down to watching Thai MTV songs or listening to songs, do I not think of what you have put each other through. From the initial first verbal fight as teenagers during polytechnic years, escalating to the physical, emotional and mental abusive relationship cum marriage we had. How you and I ruined each other's idealogy of marriage, how you betrayed the essence of our marriage vows as well as the amount of wasted love I had for you.
If I could return back to those years, I would have done things much differently:
1) I would have not chosen to stay in a sexless marriage
2) I would have not married you
3) I would have chosen the other guys instead of carrying on being in a relationship with you
4) I would have chosen not to be your girlfriend
5) I would have chosen to not let my love for you to overrule my brains

Sometimes I wish I could erase you and our past from my memories. Just wish I could just enter the 'delete' button and I can forget you. Yet, without your indirect lessons, I won't be who I am today, much respectful of myself, my rights and learning to appreciate my current husband even though he isn't perfect.

Was That You, Grandma?

On Tuesday evening, while I was on the way home after work, a Dragonfly flew onto my husband's car and landed on my side of the window. It survived the car-ride from Novena to Tampines.
Was that you, Ah Ma?
Were you trying to hint to me something?

I Googled to check on the meaning of a dragonfly and it states:
"Dragonfly can be a symbol of self that comes with maturity. They can symbolize going past self-created illusions that limit our growth and ability to change.

The Dragonfly has been a symbol of happiness, new beginnings and change for many centuries.  The Dragonfly means hope, change, and love."

If the dragonfly was really you, Ah Ma, what are trying to tell me?
A) that you are going to be reborn, reincarnated and have a brand new start? If yes, I wish you all the best in your new life and may you be born into a good family with the ability to nurture you to lead a good life. May one day we cross paths, meet and let me repay your love that you have showered me.
Or
B) that I about to have a change in my life?
If yes, indeed, a recieved a life changing message asking if I was keen to join a private doctor to help him start up his new clinic as his clinic manager. I have responded to his request for my resume to be submitted. I now leave it all up to fate to decide the next steps of my career path.
Or
C) that I am going to undergo some miracle or changes in other aspects of my life?
If yes, I do hope they are for the better and they are changes that I would welcome rather than detest. However, I have learned whatever that doesn't kills me, would somehow make me stronger emotionally and mentally.

Either way, I am thankful and glad that you came to see me during this 7th lunar month. I am also happy to show you where I stay now and the place I call home with a loving husband.

Ah Ma, I miss you. I really do.

Fix You

Hi Ah Ma,
It has been nearly 7 years since you left us for a better place, a place where you won't have to suffer anymore, a place where you have a better chance to reincarnate to enjoy a better life.

Since you have left this world, your grandchildren has had some changes in their lives:
- I headed for a divorce, found someone better and have remarried.
- I have obtained my degree, something which you always hope that I would obtain.
- Cheryl has got married and is expecting her son in Jan 2019
- Mingzhen has also gotten married and is also expecting his kid in Feb 2019.
Basically, we are all settled into our lives. We are contented with our lives.

How are you up there? Are you enjoying yourself in Heaven? Or have you reincarnated? If you have reincarnated, I wish we will have a chance to cross paths once again, and when that day comes, I hope that I will know it is you, I hope you would show me signs that it is you.

Till the day we meet again. I miss you so much. Everytime I hear the song, Fix You, it reminds me of you and I had tried my best to be filial to you towards the end of your life, taking care of your cancer-stricken days, attempting to minimise your suffering of pain and discomfort by titrating your morphine.

I am sorry that the family didn't inform you of the cancer diagnosis as we were all worried that you may be devastated and affect your mental spirits. We wanted you to live your life to the best until the end. Hopefully you don't blame us.

Take care. Till we meet again.

Love, me.