有一種悲傷留在我過往無法遺忘

有一種悲傷
是你的名字停留在我的過往
陪伴我呼吸
決定我微笑模樣
無法遺忘
有一種悲傷
是笑著與你分開
思念卻背對背張望
剩下倔強
剩下合照一張

Now that it is confirmed that we have both moved on to a new life without each other, wishing you have a more blissful marriage henceforth.

Now that it is evident that you have remarried, wishing you to be 比我们以前更幸福.

Although I still have constant reminders of what we used to be and used to have, 我会好好的过.

Although almost every corner of my daily life does bring about memories of us, I am reminded that without you, my life is much better.

But, you will always be a part of my pessimistic outlook and insecurity in life. You will always be the reason why I carry a pain in my heart.

As we start 2019 anew, I hope starting from 2019 onwards and knowing that we have both moved on well post-divorce, I would think of you less, releasing the deeply rooted feeling of unforgiveness that I have for you, as well as begin to attempt stop having evil-thoughts of witnessing your bad karma for everything you have put me through without an proper apology or satisfactory closure.

When Love is Gone and Replaced

愛都累了走了沒了
留下錐心的溫柔
除了它我什麼都沒有
當鋼琴在彈奏著
那麼應景的歌
我只聽見我哭了

夢都做了醒了散了
留下錐心的溫柔
你的吻餘溫都被沒收
好想緊緊抱著
卻是天涯之隔
錐心的溫柔瘋狂蔓延著

Perhaps our foundation wasn't build upon firmly. Neither was our love for each other strong enough to withstand the test of time, maturity and other avenues of interest.
Perhaps you just didn't understand the sanctity of a marriage and said your wedding vows for the sake of getting it over and done with, so that you could have your signature on the marriage certificate.
Perhaps we should have not progress on and be determined to get married when I went astray while you were at Taiwan. We should have broken off then.
Perhaps our lives would be better and we won't have wasted each others' youth, holding each other back from finding our own happiness.
Perhaps I should have more determined to let go of you, instead investing more feelings, commitments and love into our relationship.
Perhaps I should have left things the way it was and neglect whatever 面子 issues or gossips that I was worried about.

Either way, you have moved on your own way and I have too. You are preparing to get married again and I have already done so 3 years back. You have moved house and so have I. 我们互不相干了。

Letting The Hatred Go

After some wise words from friends, family and my husband, I have decided to let go the 'what-ifs' and 'sense of possible betrayal' from you during our marriage. Nothing is for certain and non-conclusive. I also don't wish to dig furthur, as there wouldn't be any use nor benefits to me to know too much. Afterall, I am comfortable and fairly happy with my current life. So since life after you is much to my content, there isn't any purpose to search who she is, how you know her, how long you have been with her and whether you are being under 'black magic' or so whatever related to your future marriage... Just let nature takes its own course or karma (be it good or bad) to catch up with you.

However, with that said, that doesn't mean that I would, could and have forgiven you. Neither does it mean that I have forgotten the hurt that you had caused me. (Perhaps you feel the same way, that I have also hurt you during our days before ROM by almost choosing Andy while you were in Taiwan, on NS training and almost considering breaking up with you once you are back from Taiwan. Bear in mind, we were not committed to get engaged nor married, hence, I still have the choice to choose whom I would like to be with or whom I won't want to be with. Don't forget, I left my ex-boyfriend for you too, thinking that you were better for me.) On the hindsight, we had probably hurt each other at different periods of the relationship and marriage. However, I maintained that what I had done was before marriage and since you had decided to reconcile, proposed to me two years later and mentioned that you had the interest to get ROM with me, you should have not bore this grudges, nor use this excuse as you reason to hurt me back and caused me so much mental as well as emotional torment/turmoil to the extend that I had few fleeting moments of considering suicide.

With all said and done, I wouldn't wish you anything for your impending marriage in 1.5 months time. Just hope this isn't another decision that you would regret, say that you forgot your wedding vows or how you don't understand nor know what you have signed for on the marriage certificate.

Do take care... Love is definitely blind.

Everything Makes Perfect Sense

Everything makes sense now, perfect sense indeed...
From the interest to worship the four-faced Buddha, to the listening of Thai songs, to those late nights claiming to be at work, to the erectile dysfunction and needed trips with your 'bros' overseas...
Yes, those makes sense. Those hints that you have dropped and I had failed to realised that have found someone new.

May you have a happy marriage to that Thai woman, who is 2 years your senior! Merry Xmas eve marriage, hopefully your union be as holy as you wish it to be... A Snake hoe will always remain a 妖精。

Memories of You

6 and a half years has past since that fateful day and there has never been a time that I am reminded of the end of our marriage and relationship. Even down to watching Thai MTV songs or listening to songs, do I not think of what you have put each other through. From the initial first verbal fight as teenagers during polytechnic years, escalating to the physical, emotional and mental abusive relationship cum marriage we had. How you and I ruined each other's idealogy of marriage, how you betrayed the essence of our marriage vows as well as the amount of wasted love I had for you.
If I could return back to those years, I would have done things much differently:
1) I would have not chosen to stay in a sexless marriage
2) I would have not married you
3) I would have chosen the other guys instead of carrying on being in a relationship with you
4) I would have chosen not to be your girlfriend
5) I would have chosen to not let my love for you to overrule my brains

Sometimes I wish I could erase you and our past from my memories. Just wish I could just enter the 'delete' button and I can forget you. Yet, without your indirect lessons, I won't be who I am today, much respectful of myself, my rights and learning to appreciate my current husband even though he isn't perfect.

Was That You, Grandma?

On Tuesday evening, while I was on the way home after work, a Dragonfly flew onto my husband's car and landed on my side of the window. It survived the car-ride from Novena to Tampines.
Was that you, Ah Ma?
Were you trying to hint to me something?

I Googled to check on the meaning of a dragonfly and it states:
"Dragonfly can be a symbol of self that comes with maturity. They can symbolize going past self-created illusions that limit our growth and ability to change.

The Dragonfly has been a symbol of happiness, new beginnings and change for many centuries.  The Dragonfly means hope, change, and love."

If the dragonfly was really you, Ah Ma, what are trying to tell me?
A) that you are going to be reborn, reincarnated and have a brand new start? If yes, I wish you all the best in your new life and may you be born into a good family with the ability to nurture you to lead a good life. May one day we cross paths, meet and let me repay your love that you have showered me.
Or
B) that I about to have a change in my life?
If yes, indeed, a recieved a life changing message asking if I was keen to join a private doctor to help him start up his new clinic as his clinic manager. I have responded to his request for my resume to be submitted. I now leave it all up to fate to decide the next steps of my career path.
Or
C) that I am going to undergo some miracle or changes in other aspects of my life?
If yes, I do hope they are for the better and they are changes that I would welcome rather than detest. However, I have learned whatever that doesn't kills me, would somehow make me stronger emotionally and mentally.

Either way, I am thankful and glad that you came to see me during this 7th lunar month. I am also happy to show you where I stay now and the place I call home with a loving husband.

Ah Ma, I miss you. I really do.

Fix You

Hi Ah Ma,
It has been nearly 7 years since you left us for a better place, a place where you won't have to suffer anymore, a place where you have a better chance to reincarnate to enjoy a better life.

Since you have left this world, your grandchildren has had some changes in their lives:
- I headed for a divorce, found someone better and have remarried.
- I have obtained my degree, something which you always hope that I would obtain.
- Cheryl has got married and is expecting her son in Jan 2019
- Mingzhen has also gotten married and is also expecting his kid in Feb 2019.
Basically, we are all settled into our lives. We are contented with our lives.

How are you up there? Are you enjoying yourself in Heaven? Or have you reincarnated? If you have reincarnated, I wish we will have a chance to cross paths once again, and when that day comes, I hope that I will know it is you, I hope you would show me signs that it is you.

Till the day we meet again. I miss you so much. Everytime I hear the song, Fix You, it reminds me of you and I had tried my best to be filial to you towards the end of your life, taking care of your cancer-stricken days, attempting to minimise your suffering of pain and discomfort by titrating your morphine.

I am sorry that the family didn't inform you of the cancer diagnosis as we were all worried that you may be devastated and affect your mental spirits. We wanted you to live your life to the best until the end. Hopefully you don't blame us.

Take care. Till we meet again.

Love, me.

体面

别堆砌怀念让剧情 变得狗血
深爱了多年又何必 毁了经典
都已成年不拖不欠
浪费时间是我情愿
像谢幕的演员 眼看着灯光熄灭

来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面 谁都不要说抱歉
何来亏欠 我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们 在喝彩
流着泪声嘶力竭
离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 俐落干脆

最熟悉的街主角却 换了人演
我哭到哽咽心再痛 就当破茧
来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面 谁都不要说抱歉
何来亏欠 我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们 在喝彩
流着泪声嘶力竭
离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 俐落干脆
再见 不负遇见

Reminders.. Another Phrase of Life

Whenever I hear any Jay Chou's song, especially those in early 2000—2012, it reminds me of you. Still feel the hurt, yes, but I have learnt to handle the grief better. Guess no matter how much I would like to forget your existence, I wouldn't be, 'cause you have imprinted so much scars and hurt towards me, wasting 12 years of my life on you.

As much as I know that you have moved from your previous address, changed your number and I even managed to find out your new address and mobile number, don't worry, I won't bug you. You lead your life. I lead mine too.

We both have moved on as evident by new address. I believe you are also happier after me as much as I am better off after you.

Good luck and all the best.

比我幸福

Not sure who is the one that is more 幸福 now.
Does it still matter after 6 years later?
Does it still ring a bell to you that it was your self-proclaimed creed 18 years back that I am supposed be the one who is 比你幸福?
Doubt so.

Your 永远爱你 words is meaningless to me.
Your 'forsaking all others' vow made was broken when you said that there wasn't anymore love between us.
Your 曾经爱你，永远爱你 promise means nothing now.

6 years has passed since we said goodbye for good.
6 years has passed since we gave up trying to make things work.
6 years has passed since I walked out on everything that I once worked hard for and believed in.
6 years has passed since I regained my own true self.
6 years has passed since we won back our freedom just a simple 'I don't love you anymore'

No more tears shed.
No more 心酸.
No more 不舍得.
No more deep seething hatred.
Just memories of who we used to be.

Time Heals Wound

At 13 coming 14 years old, I fell in love with a guy from my class when I was in secondary school. We broke off one and a half months later. Harboured some feelings for him despite marrying my ex-husband knowing that we will probably never be together due to my own insecure and low esteem.
At 16 coming 17 years old, met my ex-husband during a polytechnic orientation meet and on IRC. We dated for 6 years before deciding to get married to secure the relationship, to conform to societal norms to prevent tongues from wagging. Stayed married for another 6 years but we were both unhappy in the marriage. Finally, we called it quits! During the marriage, there were few peoples who asked me about a rumour that was spread around, saying that my first love broke off with his then-girlfriend to look for me on the day I wedded my ex-husband and ask if would I have changed my mind to marry to my ex-husband if I had met my first love before saying my wedding vows? I couldn't answer that question.
A year or two ago, I bumped into my first love at a mall. He was with his partner, holding hands and shopping. He didn't notice me. Immediately, I had answer to the nagging question. The answer is, "No, I doubt I would also be happy if I had married or changed my mind about ex-husband. And, I no longer do harbour any feelings for my first love."
This coming April 13th would mark my divorce of 6 years with my ex-husband. April 28th, would mark I married my current husband for 3 years. Time has healed my wounds from my first love failure as well as the failed first marriage of my life.
All I can say is my love life was pretty screwed-up... I hope it wouldn't be anymore. Enough of heartbreaks, enough of trials and testing of my strength. Enough is enough.

说散就散

說不上愛別說謊 就一點喜歡
說不上恨別糾纏 別裝作感嘆
就當作我太麻煩 不停讓自己受傷
我告訴我自己 感情就是這樣
怎麼一不小心太瘋狂

將一切都體諒 將一切都原諒
我嘗試找答案 而答案很簡單
簡單得很遺憾
因為成長 我們逼不得已要習慣
因為成長 我們忽爾間說散就散

First Post of 2018

First Post of 2018!
This shows how much I blog nowadays. Instead, most of my life is documentated on Instagram and Facebook with lots of pictures of my baby girl, selfies, random food that I cooked.

3 months into 2018 and I am, honestly, tired. Perhaps tired of all the drama around me, tired of listening to crappy excuses given to me by others for their silly mistakes or ideas, tired of pretending I am OK with my subordinates tardiness at work. With age, I have learnt to filter out things and be more 'ignorance' of dramas that doesn't involve me directly.

Fleets of memories of him did plague me. But I guess that is part of my life-story and it is him that made me who I am today, leading the current life I have. It will always be a reminder to me to never let myself be manipulated in a relationship and to stand firm to my own principles of life.

Recently one of my best friend has been made redundant and it is sad to know that such concerns happens at our age. When my parents were at my age, being retrenched was the last thing on their minds. Now, in this modern era, we are currently treading on this thin ice to ensure we stay relevant on our jobs and fight along side fast advancing technology.

In few months, I am turning 35. I believe, or rather, I hope it would be the middle of my life span. These 35 years of my life has been quite full of ups and down, more downs from the moment I reached my 20s. However, in a sense, I can't believe that I have survived 35 years of craziness in this world. There has been times that I was suicidal, probably even suffering from depression (just that I didn't get myself  diagnosed), emotionally raw and upset with my life choices, resulting in many unwanted experiences. But I am glad that I moved on from those days to becoming who I am now.
Let's see what the next 35 years will bring, who knows maybe I won't survive another 35 years due to some illness and/or unfortunate circumstances. Only God knows how long more He will put me on this realm... *grins*