When Love Is Lost

Why is it that everything he does of late, irritates and annoys me?

That was a question which I failed to ask myself years ago? In fact, it was a recent question that I asked myself when I find myself laughing over my husband's mistakes or careless doings.

The answer to the above question is as straight-forward and blunt as because you no longer love him anymore, hence everything and anything he does annoys or makes you unable to see eye to eye with. It is true. I was constantly unhappy with my ex-husband's doing, even when he falls asleep, I was annoyed with the fact that he falls asleep so easily. I was so irritated with the mere fact that he goes out with friends, yet when he is in my presence, I felt was an 'extra' person whom I am supposed to tolerate, love, change, mould and pretend that I am happy with him.
When love has faded, you would find faults in practically everything he has does, says or behaves. I believe the same went for him. Perhaps, the mere existence of me in front of him also disgusted and repulsed him so much. No wonder his last sentence to me strike a chord in me: let's not pretend to love anymore 'cause I don't love you anymore.

Come to think of it, his words were indeed hurting to hear but it were words to release my penned up frustrations. They were words that indicated that it was my chance to leave my pathetic act of letting the world believe that the marriage was working. They were words to announce that I could walk away from that failing marriage and start my life anew. I need not repent any longer for two-timing him while he was serving his army training in Taiwan. I do not need to carry on tolerating his ego, verbal and psychological issues abuse. Those last words were said for me regain freedom.

The next 6 months of divorce proceedings (I do not deny) were although painful but yet, I enjoyed my freedom to meet new guys, travel without much cares and lastly, to regain confidence to step into a new relationship with the man I eventually married last year. The whole marriage and divorce made me realize many truths:
1) Love has to be the foundation of a marriage. Without it, there would not be trust, patience and tolerance.
2) A marriage needs two individuals to work to refuel the love gauge and keep the marriage alive.
3) Having kids doesn't equate to a stable marriage.
4) You don't need kids to tie a person down. If he/she is determined to leave, he/she would do so eventually even if he/she kids or no kids to consider.
5) Always make it a point to choose your spouse over anyone else. That is/was your marriage vow, to forsake all others for your spouse.
6) Never allow love to die. Once love is dead, it is time to move on and attempts to revive it would be harder than expected.
7) If you happen to fall in love someone else,  just leave and go with that someone else, 'cause love isn't present anymore with the latter.

I believe as past and as I grow older and wiser, I would have more realization of why my previous marriage was doomed for failure from the start. In the meantime, I should relax and enjoy my current marriage, continue to fuel it with love, hand in hand with my husband.

PS: I would still blog on and off. Less post means I have less troubles, events, or stress to release and to share. :)

Love Involves Two Actor/Actress

简单点说话的方式简单点
递进的情绪请省略
你又不是个演员
别设计那些情节

没意见我只想看看你怎么演
你难过的太表面像没天赋的演员
观众一眼能看见

该配合你演出的我演视而不见
在逼一个最爱你的人即兴表演
什么时候我们开始收起了底线
顺应时代的改变看那些拙劣的表演
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子才能延缓厌倦
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
才是考验

没意见 你想怎样我都随便
你演技也有限又不用说感言
分开就平淡些

该配合你演出的我演视而不见
别逼一个最爱你的人即兴表演
什么时候我们开始没有了底线
顺着别人的谎言被动就不显得可怜
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子才能配合出演
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
都有个期限

其实台下的观众就我一个
其实我也看出你有点不舍
场景也习惯我们来回拉扯
还计较着什么

其实说分不开的也不见得
其实感情最怕的就是拖着
越演到重场戏越哭不出了
是否还值得

该配合你演出的我尽力在表演
像情感节目里的嘉宾任人挑选
如果还能看出我有爱你的那面
请剪掉那些情节让我看上去体面
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
不在意的样子是我最后的表演
是因为爱你我才选择表演
这种成全

This song reminds me of us when all the love we had had died, when what we had left wasn't love, but rather the false-front to pretend the marriage and relationship was working. The time when we were left drained of making things work out just to preserve each other's pride and ego. We were like actor and actress acting that we were like any married couple going through a rough patch and trying to make things rosy on the outside but in fact, we were both miserable. We desperately wanted a way out of this marriage but none of us dared to make the divorce decision for the fear of repercussion, which none of us want to bear. While we were acting, we both sucked at it and the rest of our friends as well as family members could see we were unhappy and the rifts between us. The constant fights, quarrels and non-verbal cues gave away the clues that we were already on verge of going insane being married to each other.
Thankfully, none of us have to act now. We have freed ourselves from one another...

小幸福

当一个女孩说她再也不理你，不是真的讨厌你，而是她很在乎你，非常非常的在乎你。。。

Closure...

I guess all I needed was a relief from the guilt  that I felt when you told me to f-off from your life.
I guess all I needed was an answer to let me know that you are doing fine despite me not giving up my marriage plans for you.
I guess all I needed was a closure to acknowledge that we both have move on from each others' life after all these years.
I guess all I needed was proper ending to our puppy love, first love and first teenage relationship...
I guess that I missed the old you: mentally, physically and emotionally immature self. You won't fit me now. You won't be compatible with me now. Our characters will clash. Our personalities wouldn't suit one another.
If someone were to ask me to choose between my husband and you. I wouldn't hesitate to say, I choose my husband. I no longer need to ponder furthur on my choice. No more regrets. No more day-dreaming of what-ifs. No more endless possibilities. Just a simple closure to know that you fine and leading your life well...
Goodbye, my first love. Sayonara, puppy love.

13 Years Later: Our Paths Crossed

It has been a long 13 years wondering how my first love/bf/stead/puppy love, Mr Ivan Teng, has gotten on in life, where on earth is he and if how he looks like now. Our paths crossed finally...
He is definitely aged, seems more matured, stubbier and though I am certain that he looks shorter than when I last saw him when we were 20 years old.

The Ivan Teng I knew and I had never let go was the 14, 20 years old Ivan Teng. The memories of him was in image of him when he was younger, when life was just starting for the both of us.

After seeing him earlier, I am sure, I don't regret letting this first relationship go. I had the chance to revive it when I was 20 years old but I am glad that I didn't revive it. He seems so in love with the Caucasian lady he was holding hands with, so much immersed in her world that he had even failed to recognize me or notice me as we walked past each other. Perhaps, I too have changed in looks, appearance too. We have both aged, move on in life, found someone else special in our lives as well as just maybe, happier that we left this puppy love alone to die down.

He might jolly well be happier 'cause I remember him to be more Western in his brought up and even flung his Mandarin/Mother Tongue language exams and tests. He was constantly mocked by the Chinese teacher for being unable to speak Mandarin fluently. He is definitely more suited to be with a Caucasian as a partner and led the more Western lifestyle.

It is today, that I have really Thank God for everything... I can finally assure my husband that he has no love rival after today.

The Ivan Teng I know is a memory of the past. I am just glad that we briefly passed by each other, at least, I know he is well and happily leading his own life. No more longing of what-ifs with him and this first and un-kindled love.

I feel liberated that he is just part of my teenage memories and no longings left for him.

Live well, Ivan! God Bless you and your wife/partner/girlfriend.

Hiatus Time

I guess that I would blogging lesser and lesser. Not because my life has became mundane and definitely not because I find it 'Bo Liao', but, because I see my life as being contented right now. I am currently comfortable in my daily life: be it at work, family life, marriage and in my own free time to do just about I like or fancy. No strings to bind me tightly, restricting my movements and how much time I would like to spend on each aspects of my life. No one to stop me on spending time with my parents, friends and hobbies of baking/cooking/shopping during my 'me time'. No one to dictate what time I can leave the house or what time I have to get home.

Although life isn't perfect yet for me but I guess coming from the lows of my life for the past nearly 12 years, I would say life is better and less stressful. No need to thread on thin ice to do my own stuff, no need to be extra careful on what I say due to fear of having my concerns being misunderstood, no fear of endless quarrels with husband, no worries about having a husband who digs up my past as a form of personal attack and I have a calm family life with both my parents and in laws.

Work and salary is acceptable. I don't need to worry on who to pay for meals or how to be calculatively dividing who to pay for what household expenses. I can be assure that I have a stable job as long as I don't mess up things or work systems. I have an understanding and appreciative manager, who values my loyalty and work performance. That is adequate for me.

I have my own free time to listen to music, cooking, baking, trying new recipes, shopping, going for solo walks or long bus rides to destress myself. Of course, at times I do think of him and my past but they don't get me as down as it used to be. I am more attuned and learnt to live with those memories, not allowing them to drag me down. I have let go and forgave him for all that he has done.

Life is just good enough for me now. Stay that way, please...

离婚后不要做朋友

删掉你手机的讯息 
清空你专属的抽屉 
如果可以的话 
多想 从来没认识过你 
置身少了你的空景 
何时不再触景伤情 
雨滴和泪滴 总是会混在一起 
你爱我 你伤我 不算什么 
反正我 绝不说 我多难过 
有你的我 没有你的我 
往后日子都得过 
你内疚 你难受 别告诉我 
免得我 又搞错 当作承诺 
谅解背后的颤抖 谁关心过 
我不坚强 离婚后不要做朋友 
我不善良 不想看你牵她的手 
该怎么走 就怎么走 
不必那么努力演洒脱轻松 
就算寂寞 离婚也不要做朋友 
就算宇宙 早就安排好这结果 
你曾经牢牢地 在我生命里附着 
我要如何去假装 我没有爱过 
终于不必为你挂心 
终于多点爱给自己 
好过不好过 都已跟你没关系 
你爱我 你伤我 不算什么 
反正我 绝不说 我多难过 
有你的我 没有你的我 
往后日子都得过 
你内疚 你难受 别告诉我 
免得我 又搞错 当作承诺 
谅解背后的颤抖 谁关心过 
我不坚强 离婚后不要做朋友 
我不善良 不想看你牵她的手 
该怎么走 就怎么走 
不必那么努力演洒脱轻松 
就算寂寞 离婚也不要做朋友 
就算宇宙 早就安排好这结果 
你曾经牢牢地 在我生命里附着 
我要如何去假装 我没有爱过 
我太爱了 离婚后做不了朋友 
泪流干了 还洗不掉那些温柔 
不要蹉跎 不要联络 
就让我安安静静走完以后 
我忘不了 我们曾不只是朋友 
从今以后 思念再走不到尽头 
你曾经紧紧地 把我拥在你怀中 
我要如何去假装 你没有爱过

Welcome To April 2016

1st April: April Fools Day
8th April: Happy Birthday to someone I once loved.
14th April: Happy Birthday to my Husband, the one who showed me what it is like to enjoy the life of marriage with parents and in laws.
28th April: Our 1st Wedding Anniversary. Cheers to many more years to come!

Missing My Granny

I miss this lady who had faith in me when the world out thought I would grow up to be a delinquent.
I miss this lady who doted on me and was biased in her love for me.
I miss this lady who was always easy-going and easily contented.

My life is blessed now because of her.
I believe that I am who I am now, because of her doings from Heaven.
It is she who removed me from a toxic marriage, only to give me a better marriage to a guy who would treasure me and love me for life.

I truly wish to see her again and hold her hands.
She is the only thing that I never regret having in my life.
I am glad that I am blessed by God to have her in my growing years as my grandmother.
Ah Ma, wait for me and till we meeting again in Heaven...

Strangers Again

I'd Be A Fool If I Couldn't See
How Things Have Changed Between You And Me
Maybe We Try Just A Little Too Hard
And Now We Are Strangers Again

I Kiss Your Lips But They Feel So Cold
I Still Remember We Used To Hold
On Those Cold And Lonely Nights We Make Love
And Now We Are Strangers Again

It's Hard To Believe
That There In Your Eyes, Stranger I See
And That The Only Song We Got Left To Play
Are The Memories Of Yesterday

Forgetting You

Many people has asked me on why I have not forgotten the past hurt and why (in their opinion) I have not moved on despite being remarried to someone better, someone who makes me happier than my ex-husband.

Internally, I would reply...
How am I supposed to forget someone who has hurt me so deeply? Someone who betrayed my trust to love me until death do us apart. Someone who broke his promise that I would be blissful with him. Someone who took the marriage oath in front of family and friends to stick with me through all aspects of life, only to turn his back on me after 6 years of marriage. Someone who reassured me that he would accept my flaws, only to tell me 12 years later that he doesn't love me anymore and can't stand me any furthur.

How am I to forget this person who inked his impression in my life for 12 years? The memories of how we grew from teenage life into adulthood, from polytechnic to his NS, to working full time and intergrating ourselves into the workforce. The memories of the ups and downs of being financially strapped students to being able to earn our own bucks. The memories of obstacles that we fought together just be a couple and prove that we were going to be together for good.

How am I to forget this guy who ruined my dreams of being happily married?

How am I to forget this guy who made my life such a pain as his wife, while he became egoistic and prideful?

How am I to forget this guy who made me believe in him and standby him from an underdog to a degree graduate, while I held back my own education and job opportunities just to give him the support he needed while pursuing his part time degree studies, only for him to look down on me after completing his studies and getting the job promotion he wanted?

How am I supposed to let go of this matter when there wasn't any proper closure nor apology from him? All he did was to throw me his decision to seek divorce and expected to sign the papers without a fight when he accused me of having unreasonable behaviour. A mere $5k to 'compensate' for everything he has put me through and wasted 12 years of my life. Pffft!

In conclusion, I have spoken to few divorcees and all of them share the same sentiments. Never being able to forget the hatred for their ex-husbands and the stance of un-forgiveness towards the trauma as well as pain they were put through by their ex-husbands. Hence, I guess I am not the odd one out of feeling the way I do towards my ex-husband.

Rejoined CNY Family Gathering After 4-5 years Hiatus

This year, with much courage and of course, hesitation, I attended the annual CNY family gathering held at my parents' place.

It wasn't easy to face the crowded and prepare myself to answer any ridiculous questions that relatives would ask or comment. It wasn't any simpler bringing my husband for the first time to see the whole bunch of cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles. I wasn't sure what gossips would fly behind our backs as well as what negative comments would be spread thereafter. But well, I guess there isn't any use hiding and I can't hide from them forever.

Relatives and cousins were 'surprised' and 'shocked' to see me at the gathering. Some even tried to ask silly questions like 'where have I been all these years' and 'what happened and why I had been missing'. I ended up replying that I had eloped with my husband.

Well, afterall, I wouldn't rate this experience a pleasant one but neither would I say it was horrid. It was better than I had expected it to be. I guess everyone in the family has accepted that my ex-husband is gone and Amelia had remarried to someone else whom she is happier with.

Slowly Fading Memories

As time passes, things that once had a memory of you in it are slowly diminishing... I have slowly gotten rid of things that you had 'sponsored' in a way or another. The last thing that I had yet to get rid is the VAIO laptop that you have minimally contributed monetarily. It has died on me 2 weeks back and is lying my the study room waiting for Karang Guni, a voluntary organization that doesn't mind a spoiled laptop or an Ah Beng who can repair it before I donate it to kids in those 3rd-world country for education.

In May 2012, I have already gotten rid of the wedding ring and the mementos of our (once) love, your clothes, shoes and undergarments from my wardrobe in Azalea. The only thing left that I had was the old VAIO laptop, which I had paid nearly $2k. I had also changed job so that I could start life anew. Taking your compensation of a mere $5k to Melbourne to refresh myself.

The past 3, coming 4 years since then, my life is so different. I have learnt much more about myself, regain my own esteem and respect, became more confident in dealing with matters and led a new life, got married, owned my own house, gained a better career prospect along with my degree. I had done things that you once put me down for, I have proved you wrong. I found and married someone better than you, led a better life without you and achieved my own degree without the need for anyone to do my assignments for me.

I hope you are happier without me. The prideful you will say 'Of course' but ask your own heart, deep down inside, are you really better off and happier without me? I need not know the answer.

Goodbye VAIO laptop with memories soon.

Sheep In 2016 Fortune

When Sheep meets Monkey, a shy Sheep will prepare to get in the spotlight.

Career: Don't be too conservative to your career development. It's a right time to encourage yourself to show your knowledge, experience and wisdom to people. Your talent and experience will win peoples respect and bring you good reputation.

Job Change: The career opportunity is coming. If you have the opportunity of the promotion or job relocation, then you can accept the challenge. It must be someone giving you good recommendation. People will help you when you get on the new position.

Wealth: Money won't fall down at your door directly. You still need to work hard to earn the money from your job. To build good people relationship can make it easier for you to bring money home.

Love: If you want a better love relationship, then you need to respect the opinions and feelings of your partner. Both of you need the self-control not to push other to the limitation. If you are a female, you need to watch your language and behavior not hurt the dignity of your lover.

Social Circle: The popularity of a person is always changing. Your people relationship is fair. Currently, you have better chance to build more social connections. You should learn the active spirit of Monkey. You attend more social activities to acquaint new people and maintain the friendships. People relationship is the key to bring you the opportunity of career and wealth.

Quarrel: If you have argument, dispute or lawsuit with someone, then you will face the trouble of the storm. But the sunny day will come after. The result will be a close call. It's better to negotiate with the opposite party to shorten the period of worry and fear.

Health: You need to watch for the food you have. You should eat more vegetables. Pay attention on your stomach, large intestine and the entire digestive system.

General Fortune: As long as you want to work harder for the coming opportunity, the fame and fortune will come to you.

Pig In 2016 Fortune

When Pig meets Monkey, that's a sign of the rain storm.

Career: Basically, your career luck is good. You will realize your job is much easier than before. You will receive the training, education and assistances from others. You have better knowledge to handle your position. But you still need to stay alert. Any negligence on your duty will ruin your reputation and career development.

Job Change: If you have a job opportunity at a different company, then you had better think twice before accepting the offer. A strong wind of Monkey is coming. That's an unstable sign.

Wealth: The money luck is good, if you are humble and play low profile. If you slide into the arrogant and complacent attitude, then you won't get any fortune.

Love: You will find people care about you very much. If you are looking for love, then attend more social activities and you will feel many people are interested on you. If you are in love, you need to plan more romantic moments for your lover.

Social Circle: Your people relationship is great. People care and concern about you. They will give you lots of courage, sponsor and Compliment. That might spoil your personality. You should be humble and never proud of you fortune or achievement. Otherwise, jealous people will give you negative reputation.

Quarrel: If you have argument, dispute or lawsuit with someone, then that will waste your time, energy and money. To negotiate with the opposite party will be the best approach. Otherwise, it might become a big and long event.

Health: Watch out for diabetes, diarrhea, bladder and neuralgic pain.

General Fortune: The good fortune sign is coming. You will be excited. You have good energy and will be eager for actions. But you need to look well before each leap. Thus a promising winner won't become a los

First Post of 2016

I wouldn't start my first post by ranting or updating my 2016 so far...
I would rather start my 2016 with revelations that I had:
1) Life is unpredictable. One moment someone can be healthy and mobile, next moment he/she can have a fall, land up in hospital with a hip fracture and therefore, bed-ridden. The QOL just decreased overnight.
2) You do not need a complicated life to be happy. Just as long as life is stable with sufficient finances to stay alive and enough to indulge in occasional treats or feast, that is good enough. I had enough of ups and downs to understand that stability is a blessing in life. I don't crave for any richness or luxury items. I just want simplicity and stability.
3) The most important thing of a woman is to find a guy who loves her more than he loves himself. It doesn't really matter of the woman loves him as much as he does. The vital point is that he must dote her and respect her more than she does for him. In that way, she would be happy and satisfied. It is useless to love a man so much but he doesn't appreciate it neither does he want to commit himself to her for the rest of his life. A man's heart is stronger than a woman's. Hence, he can take the heartbreak better should the love fails. A woman's heart would melt easier, thus, she can learn to love and accept the man as long as he remains in love and faithful to her.

Am I blessed to be divorced and found someone who loves me more than I do for him? Perhaps so. Maybe you have to go through hell to appreciate little things in life. Maybe you have to be put through shit before your eyes are opened to other avenues in life, which you were blinded before. Maybe you have to experience intense pain before you gain the strength to accept the things you can't change.