As I prepare myself, emotionally and physically (lose weight) for my up-coming ROM in April, my feelings shuttle between positive emotions and negative ones. Part of me looks forward to the ROM but another part of me feels fear of history repeating itself once more...
Of course after being with my fiance for nearly two and a half years, I know that he loves me lots and would make a good husband. In fact, I do know for a fact that he loves me more than I do love him. He has proven himself worthy of me. He has accepted my history and also understands my fears as well as insecurities in the journey of life. Even those colleagues, friends and family members are convinced that he does love me a lot and cherish me. They all said that 'he is just so into me', 'he wouldn't do anything to betray my love and trust' and 'he love me so much so that with just one word from me and he would drop the world just for me'. I admit whatever they say. He has done that many times whenever I sink into some odd depressive mood or whenever I need him the most. In fact, he so sweet to me that I feel that he has made up for his physical flaws.
However, another part of me tends to remind myself that my ex-husband was also nice and sweet towards me before marriage. He too, had proven himself that he was the best man for me after 6 years of courtship. He had been through ups and downs with me through polytechnic years to his NS to our working life. I thought he was the one as he had taken care of me when I had to go through an emergency surgery. He also managed to convince my parents that he would the ideal man to take care of their daughter.
We were all wrong! He started to change just 9 months into the marriage. He changed to someone whom I wouldn't have married if I had a second chance. He morphed into another guy. whom I slowly didn't know how to handle and get along with. He became an egoistic, selfish and erratic jerk. The whole relationship and marriage ended 12 years after knowing him and yes, he was the one who suggested to end it all just because he feels that he doesn't love me anymore.
It is just feel so weird to be have my mind fearful of history repeating itself. This is the result of a failed marriage. The fear of another failure in marriage and love haunts me deeply. Yet, some may ask, when choose to marry when you are so fearful still? The answer is simple. Trust. I trust him adequately that he wouldn't let me down. I trust that he wouldn't do the same thing towards me like how my ex-husband did. I trust him enough to allow him to be my husband, to care for me, to cherish me, to honour, to comfort me, to keep me in sickness and in health, forsaking all others and be faithful towards me as long as we both shall live.
Just don't let me be wrong this time round.
Just don't let me fall again.
Just don't let history repeat itself.
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