Should I Give It Another Go?

It has been nearly two and a half year since I started back on the singlehood journey and I am still kind of basking in the freedom of it despite being attached and engaged.

Just last Sunday, I attended the wedding of my fiancé's brother, who had been with his wife for nearly 10 years before they said 'I do'. While they recited their wedding vows during the solemnization ceremony, a part of me wanted to shout out to them to remember the vows forever and remind them of the sacred covenant of a marriage, another part of me wanted to walk away and cry, yet another part of me rejoiced for their matrimony. During their first march-in, I felt happy for them yet worried that they would end up like me, divorcing one another due to lack of 'freshness' in romance. I felt a part of me being wrenched out as memories of my past crept up in my mind. All too familiar: the recitations of wedding vows in front of the guests, the 'thank you' speech to her family and to her for marrying him, the bliss of walking down the aisle while guests clapped, the yum-sengs for best wishes and lastly, the wedding video of how each other met, fell in love and leading up to marriage.

My fiancé was also happily answering relatives that it would be his turn next year September to get married. Surprisingly, I didn't get that blissful feeling like a fiancée should be experiencing. Instead, I felt fear. Fear of getting married again. Fear of gambling my future happiness away. Fear of history repeating itself. Fear of uncertainty. I realised that although I love my fiancé, I am not prepared to walk down the aisle and entrust my future happiness in him. I am fearful of making a wrong move again. I am basically skeptical of getting married again.

However, somewhere deep down inside me I know that he won't let me down and that he won't betray my trust in him and lead me into his world of marital bliss. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I could marry him and be happy. I have faith that he would take care me to the best of his knowledge, he would cherish me, love me dearly, build a stable home with me and would be a much better husband as compared to my ex-husband.

Yet, I am just scared.

09.09.2015 is the date to watch out for and if I managed to get rid of my fears, that date would be my ROM/Wedding day.

Unbreak my shattered heart first...