Two Weeks To Turning 31...

Turning 31 in 2 weeks time... How time flies... It seems like yesterday that I was enjoying my 30th birthday in Bali at Hard Rock Hotel and now, I am nearly reaching 31 soon. I have transited into the 30-ish age and yet, I have yet to achieve my life milestones...

When I was much younger, I always wanted to be a mum of two kids by the age of 30, so that I could go for a hysterectomy (removal of womb) as I hated my menses. Of course, the father of my kids would be someone who loves me as much as I love him. I wanted a happy and complete family. However, such simple dreams were not met. Instead, I went through a hell of divorce at the age of 29 and survived to fall in love unknowingly again but was met with parental disapproval. At age of 30, I am engaged to this guy who loves me more than I love him, however, due to his financial status, we can't get married just yet. 

Although, I have met my career goals by age 30 and even exceeded my own expectations by getting a degree, but, I don't judge my own life based just career and some 'toilet paper' certification, which means absolutely nothing me than just slight monetary happiness. It is also not as if I am earning a $5K salary that I should be rejoicing. My pay is also average as compared to my peers, not that fantastic! 

What I crave in life is not met. What I wished for in my life, didn't come true. What I prayed for feverishly was not answered. 

Now as I am transiting into my 31st age, I shall wish that within the next year, my life goals of having a happy and blissful family would come true. *cross fingers*

Superwoman = Me

Sometimes I feel that people/colleagues/bosses view me as a superwoman:
- Nobody to work due to frequent staff taking urgent leave or sick leave, call me to cover.
- Give people vacation/leave despite knowing insufficient manpower, ask me to work alone.
- Met with irritating customer, call me to handle.
- Need reports urgently, tell me to do it ASAP. 
- No money, expect me to fork out money first but claiming it back takes at least 6 months.
- Accounts have problem, wants me to backtrack to 2012 or before Sept 2013 to see which patient haven't paid or not charged yet. (Hello, I wasn't in the organization in 2012 or before Sept 2013!)
- Got an appraisal of 90% but not entitled to salary increment.
- Give me high patient load and yet expect to me handle them alone without any hiccups/complains.

→ Amelia is damnt a superwoman at work ←

2 Years On

Was reminded of today's date ( 13 April ) only a while ago and realized it has been 2 years since that fateful night, in which I made up mind to allow a divorce to scar my life forever.

2 years since I took my first steps out of a failing marriage to stop all the torments of being stuck in a marriage that was actually doomed from the start. A marriage whereby the groom couldn't understand the covenant of a marriage and said the marriage vows because that was the 'routine' before a marriage certificate is issued. A marriage where the bride, thought it was the only way to escape from her parents' possessive grip to rule her life. Although, there was love between but it was only sufficient to last them 9 months post-marriage. The love was not strong enough to last them through major obstacles and changes in life.

Now, 2 years on, I have not, never did once regretted my decision to carry on with divorce without a fight. It was pointless fighting and living my life in denial, hoping that there would be improvement. It was like fighting a losing battle: futile.

Although frequently I am reminded of this failed marriage and my ex-husband, but as I reflect, I know deep down that I had led and is living a better life since I walked away. I feel a heavy burden has been lifted off me. I no longer need to live my life in fear of being unappreciated, probably unloved and leading a life of uncertainty.

My current life may not perfect, but it certainly is much better without him. My current life may not be as I had envisioned it to be, but it is surely much carefree and happier without the fear of unknown.

I am truly glad to have survived 2 years on without him and proving him wrong once again when he always though that I would be miserable without him as well as I would regret walking away from that pathetic marriage I had with him. ..

2yrs On... I Know That I Wasn't Not The Only One

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I wasn't not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough

What is Love...

LOVE is...
Complicated to comprehend.
Easier said than maintained.
Better shown in action than in words.
Risking your vulnerability in hope of happiness.
Acceptance of flaws and imperfections.
Sorting out disputes while still holding hands.
Communicating with one another despite life's busy-ness.
Holding all commitments to put one another as top priority.
Respect.
Care.
Concern.
Being genuine.
Faithfulness.
Honesty even in the temptation to lie.
Forgiving in times when forgiveness is hard.
Braving all obstacles together as one unit.

Love is hardly perfect...

像天堂的懸崖

你留的感動 你留的感傷
都一起打包 都寄給遺忘
整潔的房間 寬了一半的床
單身的牙刷 像低頭在想

多真心的給予 多貼心的迴響
是什麼腐蝕你給我的夢想
靠一點點美好 撐長長的迷惘
終究會走到 得分岔的地方

別給我像是天堂的懸崖
別逼我跳下無底的傷懷
不再幻想 你的花海
有一支薔薇能夠享受唯一寵愛

別給我像是天堂的懸崖
別推我到會後悔的未來
最怕夜裡 浪漫燈海
你不斷點煙我看窗外沒有對白

時間在趕路 回憶在擺盪
音樂在流淚 歌詞在療傷
腦袋夠懂事 但內心不長大
復原才很難 情緒才複雜

多醉心的擁吻 多開心的凝望
是什麼搶奪 你給我的太陽
用淡淡的祈禱 撐濃濃的絕望
憑什麼逃離 像影子的悲傷

別給我像是天堂的懸崖
別逼我跳下無底的傷懷
不再幻想 你的花海
有一支薔薇能夠享受唯一寵愛

別給我像是天堂的懸崖
別推我到會後悔的未來
最怕夜裡 浪漫燈海
你不斷點煙我看窗外沒有對白

最難耐 的傷害 是不放 又不愛


Can April whisk by so that I skip the memories of your birthday and the 'anniversary' that marked the end of our marriage? Actually, frankly, until today, I still haunted by your hurt and ultimate words that crushed my world. You brought me the highest heaven and deepest depth of hell throughout my 12 years with you...

Many people has told me to move on into my new world and leave my old memories behind. However, until they went through what I had went through and can carry out whatever crap they preach, then will I follow their advice. All I can say is time is the answer to everything in life, including lessening the pain of wounds. Wounds may heal but scars will always remain and I will forever carry the scars with me for the rest of my life. 

I believe that you perhaps have also started living your life well without me. So have I. I have a brand new world, in a brand new relationship, experiencing life in a new aspect as well as different viewpoint on certain principles. Carry on your life without me (I am sure you would anyway) and I will carry on mine. 

Have a Happy 35th Birthday, you are now qualified to buy your own flat and start earning 'rental' like how you always had planned. God bless your road in life.