Blame Game

You made me go through a divorce that almost wrecked my life.
You gave me strength and the sound mind to face the divorce.
You showed me that I can seek peace and comfort in You. (I never did doubt that.)
But You didn't tell me that the fate of my life would be so twisted.

You snapped me out my false belief that my previous marriage was worth salvaging.
You allowed the divorce to be smooth and swift.
You cushioned the impact of the divorce, saving whatever was left of my esteem.
But You didn't award me the compensation I needed for the crap and rubbish that I had to endure from my ex-husband.

You lead me to trust that character over looks, social status and salary is more important in a committed relationship.
You let me experience true love once more.
You threw me into a few pit-holes, only to show me that I can trust a guy to handle my future.
But You didn't opened the heart and eyes of my parents to look beyond the materialistic and unimportant things.

You gave me a guy to hold my hand and walk through all the broken bridges in my life.
You gave me a guy to protect me from any possible harm.
You made me soften my heart to accept the possibility of marriage once more.
But you also gave me strong parental disapproval and non-acceptance.

You allowed me find a nice potential love-nest.
You awarded me the chance of successful application for the house.
You made me wait in anticipation for its completion.
But You didn't allow it to be mine when it was completed.

What do You exactly want from me?
You showed me hell and yet threaten to make me fall into it.
You gave me a little sweetness only to make me go throughout more bitterness.
You didn't fulfill my wishes for a smooth-sailing life from henceforth.
You forced me choose love over family.
Why can't You give me a average life like You gave others?
Why try to shake my faith in You?

Occasional Memories

Sometimes as I accidentally hear certain songs over the radio or at stores while shopping, it reminds me of Jeff. It can be songs that used to like listening or songs that he had tried to get me to appreciate or even songs that he enjoyed karaoke-ing.
When I listen to those songs, I tend to think that he probably enjoyed listening to them 'cause the lyrics were probably sensible to him and that he associate his thoughts as well as feelings to them.

"flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things have to come to an end"

Of course there are also some songs that reminded on how I felt when I had faced the pitfalls of our frequent arguments and ultimately, my last straw to tolerating his erratic mood swings and behaviour towards me. These songs expressed my patience worn thin versus my love for him as well as my regrets of marrying him versus upholding the holy covenant of staying in the marriage through thick and thin.

"我搞不懂我们到底这么了, 我想不通我们的爱这么了, 雨下以后是否让什么不同。"

Then, there are songs that kind of represent my sadness and heartbreaking thoughts of finally facing a divorce. The mixed feelings of liberation from a mentally torturing relationship versus pity of the end of a 12year relationship with a guy whom I wrongly married, versus social stigma of being a divorcee versus joys of regaining my independence to lead a better life for myself.

"Make it like it never happened and it was nothing.  Now ya just somebody that I used to know..."

Fulfillment

One week into my new job and finally achieved a sense of fulfillment. Managed to intergrate my endoscopy skills and knowledge, with my Advanced Diploma in Oncology knowledge and lastly, with past 6 years of training in O&G.
Familiar words:
- Krukenberg's Tumour
- Stage 4 disease with mets to ovary, colon and peritoneal.
- 5 F.U, Avastin, Cisplatin
- Cervical Etopic Pregnancy
- MTX treatment
- Endometriosis
- Adhesiolysis
- P.I.D

Picked up my lost skill of cleaning, disinfecting of gastroscopes and colonoscopes again after cleaning up 5 scopes.

I am making some progress. Feel so good. Job well done!

New Chapter Begins...

10 Sept 2005: Someone proposed to me, only to break my heart 7 years later. Knew that person for 5 and a half  years and thought he would honour his promise. But in the end he shattered all vows and promises.
Ring-Topaz ring, half eternity setting. White gold.
Flowers- 6 red roses.
Venue- His place (no one as witness).

09 Sept 2013: Someone else proposed to me... Known this person for a year and been happy as well as quite blissful with him. Hopefully my choice won't be wrong this time. Hopefully he won't let me down. Hopefully he would be the one who would walk through life's ups and downs with me, hand in hand, conquering whatever obstacles that comes in our way.
Ring- 2 carat diamond in center with .75 on each side. Trilogy setting. Rose Gold.
Flowers- 6 deep pink calla lilies.
Venue- Jewel Box, Sapphire Restaurant, Mount Faber (Jessilin & Jason, her fiance, as witnesses)

09.09.2013

Perhaps a new chapter to unfold in my life.
Perhaps a baby step regaining my happiness.
Perhaps a new commitment to fulfil.
Perhaps a 'I do' to end it all.

End of KK Employment

Left KK. Time to relax and chill for a while before starting a new chapter of career progression. May the new workplace be one which I would enjoy and be less political. May my new colleagues have good teamwork and team spirit. May I shine in my new workplace and gather mutual respect with colleagues and doctors.

Brings Back Mixed Much Emotions, Especially Anger + Fear...

Standard Marriage Vows used at the the Registry of Marriages (ROM).

Registrar's Address:
Before you are joined in matrimony, it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. Marriage according to law is the union of one man and one woman, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others.

Do I understand that you __________________ and you ________________ are here of your own free will for the purpose of becoming man and wife?
Couple answer together: Yes

To Bridegroom:
Will you, __________________ take this woman ______________ to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?
Answer: I will

To Bride:
Will you, _________________ take this man _________________ to be your wedded husband, to live together in the ligal estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, so long as you both shall live?
Answer: I will

The Rings (optional)...

Registrar's Instructions:
Take this ring and put it upon the third finger of his/her left hand and repeat after me: In token and pledge of our constant faith and
abiding love, with this ring I marry you.

Registrar's Pronouncement:
As both of you have given your consent before me to live together in matrimony and have solemnly promised, each to the other to do so, I now pronounce you two Man and Wife.