Who am I?

Sometimes I wish that I could go back in time to amend some of my decisions made in life.
Sometimes I wish that I could understand what I am put on Earth to do so I can focus on finishing my task and go back to where I truly belong.
Sometimes I wish that I could foresee my own destiny and avoid any disaster that may potentially harm my own ego or pride or self-esteem.
Sometimes I wish that I had the strength to fight for what I believe in and have the persuasion power to convince my parents that I know what I am doing and willing to face whatever obstacles that may be placed in front of me. All I need is their love and support.
Sometimes I wish that God would work His miracles through me and bless my patients to recover when put under my care.
Sometimes I wish that time would stop in its steps to allow me to breathe and relax before throwing in another situation for me to settle.
Sometimes I wish that people will stop judging my decisions or my choices made or envying me for whom they think or perceive I am. I am not that perfect. I am not without scars. I am not that stable.
Sometimes I wish that there would be a potion for me to drink in order to erase all bad memories that I carry with me as a reminder of my pathetic life.
Sometimes I wish that someone would be able to take me by the hand and tell me to allow him/her to carry some of my burdens.
Sometimes I wish that someone could hug me and ask me to release my pent up sadness, anger and disappointments all out.
Sometimes I wish that no one in life has ever betrayed my trust. I really want to fully trust someone and depend him/her in times of need. I want to that someone to be my wall to lean on whenever I feel too tired or weak to continue fight my battles of life.
Sometimes I wish that my life wasn't that fucked up.
Sometimes I wish that my life wasn't that complicated.
Sometimes I wish for simplicity.

Most of all, I wish for a better future and life from this day forth.

No Use Envying

人比人会气死人。
家家都有一本难念的经。

Some people have asked me how I survive all the crap that I have been through and still remain so strong, even strong enough to pass my degree studies and graduate...
All I can say is... I seriously don't know. Perhaps it is by the strength of God and His blessing.

So don't judge me, 'cause you are not me and you don't even have the rights to judge me unless you have been through exactly what I have been through.
Neither do I want anyone to envy me, 'cause I had to deal with my own inferiority complex and difficulties to step out into the reality of this world again to become who I am now.

Back From Bali

 

And yeah, so I have turned 30 and the truth of being old has finally sinked in but what the heck! As long as I feel young at heart and keep my own mindset of being young is more important than what others think.

Back to reality, rest another day before starting work and preparing for my graduation ceremony in June, followed by tentaively job seeking before tendering my resignation. Time for me to move on in my career and start my life afresh with no one in my work-place knowing that I have been married before. Somehow, I feel that I need to get away from colleagues asking me about my failed marriage and using it against me behind my back. Argh! I just hate work politics, backstabbers and gossip-spreading bitches.

 

First Step into 3-0!

Last night, spent my last few hours as a 29 year old person jamming at a Hard Rock concert. My bf also gave me 2 surprise: present and a song dedication. Sweet!
Today, spent the day shopping and chillax-ing in the hotel room. Bought some souvenirs and shirt. Walked along the beach collecting seashells in the evening.
Finally, being 30 years old now has sunk in, thus, I shall close my post with my birthday wish: May the rest of life from this day forth be filled with peace, happiness, bliss and smooth-sailing, without any more major setbacks and ego destroying matters.
Good night.

Countdown: 5 days more

2 days more and I am out of town.  Being 'blessed' with high grade fever. Thankful for a loving bf and a good buddy, I am afebrile again.

Btw, CW, I received your birthday package! Thanks! Hopefully you will receive your birthday present soon too... Hope it would not arrive later than your actual day.

In the meanwhile:
1) Happy Birthday to CW and Me.
2) Happy Mothers' Day to those celebrating it.
3) Happy Nurses' Day to those celebrating it on 12th May.
4) Wishing me a blessed trip and safe trip back next week.

Ciao! The next time I blog would be as a '30 year old hag', enjoying my last few days as a 29 year old woman. Lolx!

Countdown to Turning 3-0

In a week's time I was would be turning 30 soon. Not something that I am looking forward to, though I am looking forward for my trip to Bali in a few days time.

I feel old thinking of that age, especially when I compare myself to other people, who are still in their 20s. What makes me feel worst is seeing my peers being more 'successful' in their lives, living their lives being married or married with kids and having good careers. Although I am not sure if that is/was the life they wanted and if having kids is/was a regrettable event in their lives, but I frequently see that they are happily posting the pictures of their happy faces with their spouses and kids on Facebook... Thus, I would be incline to believe they are contented.

When I reflect on myself and all the craps that I been through, I do somehow pity myself but yet I am proud of myself for making it this far, being strong for myself,  facing all the negativities that God put me through. I have been taught that nothing in life is stable. I have learnt that there is no guarantees in life: somethings can look stable and everlasting but nothing is promised. I made the mistake of compromising my own happiness and pride in order to live my life a lie.  I have cheated myself thinking as long as I work hard to achieve something, pretending that I was happy and that it would be mine forever. Dead wrong.

So, as I start living my life as a 30 year old woman, I am ready to put myself as top priority and my own happiness before others. I shall do things that please myself as long as it doesn't betray my own moral values and principles in life. I shall lead my life the way I want to.  I had enough of people dictating how I should be living my life. I had enough of people telling me to follow their idea of what is happiness. I had enough of people saying that I would regret if I don't take their advices. They are not me, so how would they know what I want in life and what brings gladness to me? How would they know about shit I went through and how much courage I had to muster just to make it to what I am today?

I just hope that life after 30 would be more smooth sailing for me. I really hope that life after 30 would be more merciful on me and don't let any major setbacks to occur. May the joyous events in my life from this day forth over-exceed the negative events.

Time to head to bed and stop all this emo-ness of life as well as the dread of turning 30... Good night folks!

PS:
1) Happy Birthday to my '妹妹' who also be turning 30 soon and wishing her also a fulfilling life after 30.
2) Happy Mothers' Day to all mums reading my posts.