Midnight Tears

Almost every day at this hour would I lie in bed, alone and away from my parents, tears would roll down my face. As much as I try to conceal my pain and sadness through out the day so as to show that I am coping well with this impending divorce. It is only at night, when I am alone do I allow my self-conscience overwhelm me. It is then do I reveal to myself the real pain inside me. The kind of heart wrenching pain of disappointment, missing and sadness that is hidden away from public eye.

Why do I still tear at the thought of the words he had said that pierced right through my heart? Why do I still allow myself to cry for a man who had let me down in love? Why do I still harbor thoughts of him in good times? Have I forgiven him for all the hurt that he has caused me and for all the heartache I have been nursing?

I am not a heartless person. 12 years as a couple, out of which, 6 years as husband and wife. How do you expect me to just let go of those feelings and walk away, pretending that nothing has happened? How do you think I can just release this love I have for him within these few weeks? But I have to be strong for myself, for my parents, for my patients and lastly, deceive myself that life goes on as normal. God knows how many times am I tempted to message him or call him but restricted myself knowing that it is all over and nothing can be done to undo the damage. God knows how much pain I bear in my heart just to pretend that love doesn't exist between us. I admit that love doesn't fully exist now, it is now trusting issues. I can't bring myself to trust him to handle my devotion and love anymore. But that does not equate that I have no more feelings for him.

Perhaps, he has moved on and is happy now that he is free once again like a single man, without anyone to 'control' him or 'tie him down' with marriage. Perhaps, he has really forgotten of the love between us. Perhaps, he really is a heartless man, who doesn't see how much I love and trusted him. Only God knows his heart and what is on his mind. There are certain question that would never be asked and answers that I would never get. Let's just leave it as that.

My bitter and broken heart has to be mend. It is only a matter how long would I take now to recover from this failed marriage experience. It is only a question of how much pain can my heart take before I really suffer from depression. It is only time that will tell how well I am coping. I have always said I am fine these days, actually I am not. I just pray for strength to deal with this experience. I just pray that this would just end smoothly, without any further un-necessary hurt or drama.

Life has to move on. Time will never wait for me to heal before passing on to the next second. Cruel.