Behcet's 4th Month In...

Been slightly more than 4 months has past since I am dealing with Behcet's Disease and I am coping with whatever it has brought along: oral ulcers, skin lesions (acne & abscess), at times, nausea, and not to forget the side effects of medications that includes, diarrhoea and hair loss. 

So how am I doing? Honestly? I would say there are the good and bad periods of this disease to me. Eg:

1) there have been days whereby when my flare is real bad, when my ulcers hurts real bad and plagued with painful abscesses. Those are the days when I am unable to eat any solids without tearing up, when I feel unpretty due to the abscesses on body + facial acne, when psychologically I wonder why all these are happening to me. These are the days that I would end up crying to my husband and feel kind of defeated. These are the days whereby I would not have any appetite to eat and only drink liquids such as soy milk, Ribena and of course water to 'survive'. Let's not forget the fatigue that comes along that is akin to having flu, that no matter how much I want to rest yet can't seem to sleep properly. 

2) Then there are days, like now, I am coping fine. Not that I am really ulcer free or skin lesion free, just that they don't bother me that badly. In fact, since the day of diagnosis, I have forgotten how it feels to not have a single ulcer in my mouth or on my tongue. I don't remember what it feels like to have a normal sensation when eating or drinking. I have also forgotten what or how chew my food properly before swallowing, as I would chew my food a bit then swallow it as soon as possible to avoid much pain to discomfort from food being in my mouth too long. Stronger tasting food, like spicy or salty food tends to invoke a higher pain level when eating but that doesn't stop me from eating them though. Just that I avoid them when the ulcers get too many or big.

My daily tablets including my Colchicine three times a day, probiotic once a day and multi-vit Gummies once a day. If my flare is bad, then painkillers are taken to help me sleep and oral gargle to numb my mouth before I brush teeth.

All and in all, I am still very much trying to catch the flare cycles and learning how to deal with this disease. It is going to be a lifelong thing that I have cope with. I have to keep an open-mind that it may bring along other issues in future. Just like any other Autoimmune disease, there isn't any cure. Medications are just for symptomatic relief and helps to control the number of times of flare.

But one important lesson this disease has taught me would be to put myself first rather to force myself to do stuff that I feel unwilling. I have learnt to rest when tired, to reject things that makes me uncomfortable and to listen to my body cues. I have learnt to prioritise myself first, no more do I fight fatigue to head out to meet people or force myself to go all out at work when I feel unwell. So those who know that I am down with this autoimmune problem have to understand and those who don't, I also am not much bothered to explain myself to them. 

Finally, I am grateful that my husband has been quite on the ball with me throughout this journey so far. Although he doesn't fully understand what I go through, but he is empathetic enough to respect my decisions to not eat out, when I want to sleep early, not in the mood to cook or eat anything solid and when I have my breakdowns due to the discomforts. The above mentioned are good enough for me coming from him...

Coming Clean

Been diagnosed with Behçets Disease after all the recurrent abscesses, oral ulcers and skin lesions that I had been experiencing since 2019. Not sure how to say this but, yes, I am officially an autoimmune patient. 

For the past 2-3 months since the diagnosis, I have suffered hair loss due to medications, in constant discomfort and pain due to the multiple oral ulcers, having skin lesions like acne with scarring, and lastly feeling easily tired-out. 

So far only my husband and 3 of my close friends know of this diagnosis. Even I, myself, is still in a bad place or mental state to announce it as a form of my identity. Having an autoimmune condition is akin to cancer, the only difference is with cancer you know that it would be fatal when you are diagnosed at the last stage and there are ways a doctor can stage of it to inform you how serious it is. With an autoimmune condition, you are exposed to repeated flares of it, making your life a living drag and you are left dangling wondering how to deal with each flares comfortably, waiting for time (days/weeks) to past for the flare to subside. You would be able to gauge the cycle of when to expect the flare, yet, nothing can cushion you fully from the discomfort, inconvenience and pain of the flare. You would never be fully well and without reminder symptoms of the autoimmune condition.

As a female, losing hair and having scars fm the skin lesions is affecting my self-image and body-image. 

Ending my post on a bitter-sweet note, hoping that moving forward, I would be an inspiration for those diagnosed with Behcet's Disease. You may not know me but just know that you are not alone and there are also other females out there, suffering the same rare condition as you do. 

其实 - I Loved You More Than You Did Love Me

不需要借口

爱淡了就放手

我不想听

你也没说平静的交错

随便找个理由

决定了就别回头

不爱你的人

说什么都没用

分开时难过不能说

谁没谁不能好好过

那天我们走了很久没有争吵过

分开时难过不要说

如果被你一笑而过

还不如让你选择想要的生活

分开后我会笑着说

当朋友问你关于我

我都会轻描淡写仿佛没爱过

其实我根本没人说

其实我没你不能活

其实我给你的爱比你想的多

算了 - I Never Really Mattered to You Anyway

只能怪这屋子太陈旧
还留着我们喝一半的红酒
就像那个时候我们一口一口
的聊聊曾经和以后
竟然感觉你也走了没多久

难免会相遇在老街口
还是并肩走只除了没牵手
你语气像是朋友自然的对我问候
我只是敷衍著点头
分开的时候勉强说一句保重

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你不曾在意的我还一直都记得
有些事越闪躲越说明了爱过
以为自己放了眼眶却又湿了

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你的拥抱曾是最温暖的角落
牵着的手放了走着的人散了
也许越用心的越能感觉痛了
只好算了

你的一句算了不代表我会忘了
你的拥抱曾是最温暖的角落
推开怀中的我像是某种解脱
心被回忆困着爱在心中铭刻
怎么算了

有为我的过去流泪了

Watched a YouTuber post-divorce video cum interview. Somehow felt their sadness, reluctance, pain and yet they still have some sort of love for each other despite the divorce. However, their love for each other is no longer the romance type of love but rather more of deep friendship type of love. During the interview, the male was more emotional than the female. Although, he didn't said much during the interview and the female was more dominant in speaking as well as answering the questions posted by fans, his tears were sufficient to see his hurt, raw emotions and how he truly felt of the divorce. Their divorce was nothing to do with 3rd party, it was due to they married too young, only to realized that they had matured seperately into two different paths targeting the same goal.

As watched the such shows or videos relating to divorce-matters or break-up, I can't help to be a little affected as well as reminded of my own wounds from a failed marriage. Perhaps also we got ourselves committed to each other too young, or maybe we also did move on to have different goals in life and pursued our own goals apart from one another, losing the initial spark in the relationship. Like the female said, once the spark the is lost, it is hard to find it back. The male added on to say that once you still procrastinating to honour any form of anniversary or Valentine's day celebrations, that is where the marriage will spiral downhill.

I also realized that marriage and divorce are getting more common in our society, it is like the value of a lifelong marriage is getting lesser than our parents' generation. I also believe that no one who truly loves each other would get married with intentions of planning on a divorce much later. Yet, the mention of divorce is so loosely used...

Anyway, I hope I am not the only one who would feels the same sentimentals and emotional whenever watching or coming across break-ups or divorces stories and shows or videos... Sigh. 

10 May...

Today is supposed to be our 20 years Pak-Thor anniversary, our 14 years ROM anniversary and 11 years Customary Wedding anniversary but nope, those are out of the window. Instead, today we have re-married and are living our lives very much apart. We have stopped salvaging the broken pieces between us 8 years ago. We were a month short of our anniversary date.

At this moment, let me be just honest. You will always be a part of my memory, a scar that you left forever etched in my heart and someone whom I once knew. However, I must say that my life now is definitely much better after leaving you. I am in a happier and more fulfilling marriage. I don't regret agreeing to the divorce as well as don't feel bad about you also remarrying. I am also no longer the same person you knew. Part of me don't wish to ever cross paths or meet you on the streets, yet part of me wishes that you witness that I am living well and fine without you.

Seriously, I don't give a hoot on whether you are happier without me, in a blissful marriage or not. Neither am I interested to know if you have changed in your beliefs, personality and mindset of things, nor do I wish to know if you regret mentioning the last straw statement that made me give up on you and the marriage/relationship that we once shared. Although I would like to have a truth on the rumours that you now walk with a limp after the fateful accident, which you did once tell me that occur during our separation period, I also rather not know the truth for fear that I may have sympathy on you.

Nothing will change my mindset of partial hatred I have toward you for hurting me the way you did. Yet, I don't fully blame you as I made some wrong decisions when I was your girlfriend then. But you still chose for us to reconcile and progressed to marriage, so I don't see why you would still bear the grudge. Your apologies on that doesn't make any sense to me. Your presumption that you could accept my mistakes enough to make me your wife, isn't valid when you mentioned that you eventually realized that you not accept the mistake made. Then, you went on to say that you didn't know the seriousness of signing on the dotted line of our marriage papers. What rubbish excuse is that?! I wished that you were listening to your lame reasons, making me feel like a fool being your wife back then.

However, I must also thank you for waking me up from my own denial that our marriage is actually doomed from the start. Plus, for making me realized that sometimes there isn't a need to go all out for a man who doesn't know how to love, cherish and treasure me as his wife. If you had said that sentence that ultimately made me determined to leave you, I would probably still suffering and being stuck in an aimless marriage with you, a sexless marriage. It could have been worse that I am on this circuit breaker, facing you 24/7 in our BTO flat, still trying to push my patience limit and challenge my mental sanity to live with you under one roof. So yes, I am grateful that we parted. I am thankful that we are divorced.

On this 10 May 2020, I hope you feel the same peace and bliss that we are no longer affiliated with one another as I do. And to the rest of the world who still thinks that I can't let go of my ex-husband, carry on thinking whatever you wish, my conscience is clear...

COVID-19: Thoughts on Life during Circuit Breaker

Circuit breaker period starting 7th April 2020 - 1st June 2020. Following drastic changes in lifestyle, economic and our society:

1) Petrol price is down worldwide except SG 

2) Many offices will remain closed throughout the CB period and will continue to operate fully on a work-from-home basis.

3) All schools abruptly moved online. School holiday start on 5 May.

4) Self-distancing measures on the rise.

5) Tape on the floors at stores to help distance customers (1 metre) from each other.

6) Takeaway only for all F&B

7) Limited number of people inside stores. Non-essential stores and businesses mandated to be closed.

9) Entire sports seasons cancelled.

10) Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled

11) Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled

12) No masses. All places of worship are closed.

13) No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, 10, and now no gatherings at all. Not even for extended family living apart. 

14) Children's outdoor play parks are closed.

15) Limited masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers all around the world.

16) Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill in other countries.

17) Panic buying sets in with shortage of disinfecting supplies, laundry soap, hand sanitiser. People also hoarding and buying toilet paper for whatever reason.

18) Shelves are bare. 

19) Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.

20) Government has safe distancing ambassadors checking and issuing fines. 

21) Airline tickets are cheap but we can't travel.

22) Daily updates by MOH. 

23) Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths. 

24) Barely anyone on the roads.

25) People wearing masks and gloves outside.

26) Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.

27) Our hardworking healthcare workers are afraid to go home to their families. 

28) For the safely, island wide of MacDonald advised to closed for operations.

29) "Flatten the curve" is a daily saying, along with "We are in this together," and "We heal as one".

30) This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared on March 18, 2020.

Due to the above changes, my husband and I had to miss our birthdays, ROM anniversary, weekday dinner dates, Sunday family day events and couple time is reduced. Financially we are adapting to a lower income due to lack of work-assignments.

However, guess I wouldn't want have this all Circuit Breaker being in my previous marriage, with my ex-husband and his family. Can't imagine that lifestyle of constant worries, emotionally being wrecked by his lack of concern, being stuck in an unhappy marriage and having frequent abusive arguments over the the most trivia issues. Don't to forget have in-laws who can't control their son, allowing him to be an irresponsible husband, mostly always on his side as well as constantly gossiping on the phone about all my negative traits like their son is an angel.

I am predicting even if we had moved out of his parents' home and to our BTO flat, being stuck in the same household with his sucky attitude also wouldn't do me any good and this marriage that was already unstable from the start, would also end. 

So I am indeed thankful I am in this Circuit Breaker with the right man as my husband, supportive in his own ways and we can work together as a team to compromise as well as lower our financial expectations, make adjustments and hopefully, tide over this period.