CNY 2017

Happy Lunar Year to all!
This is the 2nd CNY that I celebrated with my parents since I remarried and decided to make myself transparent to the nosy relatives for CNY gatherings. This is also the 2nd CNY that I attended my husband's side of CNY as a married couple.
Throughout all the gatherings and visitations that we went, many thoughts run through my mind as well as I had mixed feelings, which I didn't vocalized to my husband. However, most of my thoughts were positive. I felt lucky, loved, respected and well-supported by my husband, who accompanied me to my family gathering and making special visits to those relatives, who are dear and close to me. He didn't complain about how the long the drive was to Jurong East, neither did he get too upset that the schedule for his grandmother's place was delayed due to delays at my auntie's house for lunch. Of course, I had compared him to my ex-husband, who would have long given me a 'black face' or outwardly shown his displeasure, making me embarrassed and indirectly forcing me to cut short all my CNY visitations. My ex-husband won't even accompany me to go to friend's place for any events, what more CNY visitations?
Every time there is an event that I would prefer him to attend with me, he would oblige and be with me. I do the same for him too.
I am glad that I made the right choice in choosing my husband this time round. However, I always have this insecurity that history will repeat itself and he will change in the way the precious jerk did. Hence, I won't be complacent and be contented as the days goes by.
I am just thankful for every day that he doesn't morph into a bastard like my previous one did. Amen.

When Love Is Lost

Why is it that everything he does of late, irritates and annoys me?

That was a question which I failed to ask myself years ago? In fact, it was a recent question that I asked myself when I find myself laughing over my husband's mistakes or careless doings.

The answer to the above question is as straight-forward and blunt as because you no longer love him anymore, hence everything and anything he does annoys or makes you unable to see eye to eye with. It is true. I was constantly unhappy with my ex-husband's doing, even when he falls asleep, I was annoyed with the fact that he falls asleep so easily. I was so irritated with the mere fact that he goes out with friends, yet when he is in my presence, I felt was an 'extra' person whom I am supposed to tolerate, love, change, mould and pretend that I am happy with him.
When love has faded, you would find faults in practically everything he has does, says or behaves. I believe the same went for him. Perhaps, the mere existence of me in front of him also disgusted and repulsed him so much. No wonder his last sentence to me strike a chord in me: let's not pretend to love anymore 'cause I don't love you anymore.

Come to think of it, his words were indeed hurting to hear but it were words to release my penned up frustrations. They were words that indicated that it was my chance to leave my pathetic act of letting the world believe that the marriage was working. They were words to announce that I could walk away from that failing marriage and start my life anew. I need not repent any longer for two-timing him while he was serving his army training in Taiwan. I do not need to carry on tolerating his ego, verbal and psychological issues abuse. Those last words were said for me regain freedom.

The next 6 months of divorce proceedings (I do not deny) were although painful but yet, I enjoyed my freedom to meet new guys, travel without much cares and lastly, to regain confidence to step into a new relationship with the man I eventually married last year. The whole marriage and divorce made me realize many truths:
1) Love has to be the foundation of a marriage. Without it, there would not be trust, patience and tolerance.
2) A marriage needs two individuals to work to refuel the love gauge and keep the marriage alive.
3) Having kids doesn't equate to a stable marriage.
4) You don't need kids to tie a person down. If he/she is determined to leave, he/she would do so eventually even if he/she kids or no kids to consider.
5) Always make it a point to choose your spouse over anyone else. That is/was your marriage vow, to forsake all others for your spouse.
6) Never allow love to die. Once love is dead, it is time to move on and attempts to revive it would be harder than expected.
7) If you happen to fall in love someone else,  just leave and go with that someone else, 'cause love isn't present anymore with the latter.

I believe as past and as I grow older and wiser, I would have more realization of why my previous marriage was doomed for failure from the start. In the meantime, I should relax and enjoy my current marriage, continue to fuel it with love, hand in hand with my husband.

PS: I would still blog on and off. Less post means I have less troubles, events, or stress to release and to share. :)

Love Involves Two Actor/Actress

简单点说话的方式简单点
递进的情绪请省略
你又不是个演员
别设计那些情节

没意见我只想看看你怎么演
你难过的太表面像没天赋的演员
观众一眼能看见

该配合你演出的我演视而不见
在逼一个最爱你的人即兴表演
什么时候我们开始收起了底线
顺应时代的改变看那些拙劣的表演
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子才能延缓厌倦
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
才是考验

没意见 你想怎样我都随便
你演技也有限又不用说感言
分开就平淡些

该配合你演出的我演视而不见
别逼一个最爱你的人即兴表演
什么时候我们开始没有了底线
顺着别人的谎言被动就不显得可怜
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
我该变成什么样子才能配合出演
原来当爱放下防备后的这些那些
都有个期限

其实台下的观众就我一个
其实我也看出你有点不舍
场景也习惯我们来回拉扯
还计较着什么

其实说分不开的也不见得
其实感情最怕的就是拖着
越演到重场戏越哭不出了
是否还值得

该配合你演出的我尽力在表演
像情感节目里的嘉宾任人挑选
如果还能看出我有爱你的那面
请剪掉那些情节让我看上去体面
可你曾经那么爱我干嘛演出细节
不在意的样子是我最后的表演
是因为爱你我才选择表演
这种成全

This song reminds me of us when all the love we had had died, when what we had left wasn't love, but rather the false-front to pretend the marriage and relationship was working. The time when we were left drained of making things work out just to preserve each other's pride and ego. We were like actor and actress acting that we were like any married couple going through a rough patch and trying to make things rosy on the outside but in fact, we were both miserable. We desperately wanted a way out of this marriage but none of us dared to make the divorce decision for the fear of repercussion, which none of us want to bear. While we were acting, we both sucked at it and the rest of our friends as well as family members could see we were unhappy and the rifts between us. The constant fights, quarrels and non-verbal cues gave away the clues that we were already on verge of going insane being married to each other.
Thankfully, none of us have to act now. We have freed ourselves from one another...

小幸福

当一个女孩说她再也不理你，不是真的讨厌你，而是她很在乎你，非常非常的在乎你。。。

Closure...

I guess all I needed was a relief from the guilt  that I felt when you told me to f-off from your life.
I guess all I needed was an answer to let me know that you are doing fine despite me not giving up my marriage plans for you.
I guess all I needed was a closure to acknowledge that we both have move on from each others' life after all these years.
I guess all I needed was proper ending to our puppy love, first love and first teenage relationship...
I guess that I missed the old you: mentally, physically and emotionally immature self. You won't fit me now. You won't be compatible with me now. Our characters will clash. Our personalities wouldn't suit one another.
If someone were to ask me to choose between my husband and you. I wouldn't hesitate to say, I choose my husband. I no longer need to ponder furthur on my choice. No more regrets. No more day-dreaming of what-ifs. No more endless possibilities. Just a simple closure to know that you fine and leading your life well...
Goodbye, my first love. Sayonara, puppy love.

13 Years Later: Our Paths Crossed

It has been a long 13 years wondering how my first love/bf/stead/puppy love, Mr Ivan Teng, has gotten on in life, where on earth is he and if how he looks like now. Our paths crossed finally...
He is definitely aged, seems more matured, stubbier and though I am certain that he looks shorter than when I last saw him when we were 20 years old.

The Ivan Teng I knew and I had never let go was the 14, 20 years old Ivan Teng. The memories of him was in image of him when he was younger, when life was just starting for the both of us.

After seeing him earlier, I am sure, I don't regret letting this first relationship go. I had the chance to revive it when I was 20 years old but I am glad that I didn't revive it. He seems so in love with the Caucasian lady he was holding hands with, so much immersed in her world that he had even failed to recognize me or notice me as we walked past each other. Perhaps, I too have changed in looks, appearance too. We have both aged, move on in life, found someone else special in our lives as well as just maybe, happier that we left this puppy love alone to die down.

He might jolly well be happier 'cause I remember him to be more Western in his brought up and even flung his Mandarin/Mother Tongue language exams and tests. He was constantly mocked by the Chinese teacher for being unable to speak Mandarin fluently. He is definitely more suited to be with a Caucasian as a partner and led the more Western lifestyle.

It is today, that I have really Thank God for everything... I can finally assure my husband that he has no love rival after today.

The Ivan Teng I know is a memory of the past. I am just glad that we briefly passed by each other, at least, I know he is well and happily leading his own life. No more longing of what-ifs with him and this first and un-kindled love.

I feel liberated that he is just part of my teenage memories and no longings left for him.

Live well, Ivan! God Bless you and your wife/partner/girlfriend.

Hiatus Time

I guess that I would blogging lesser and lesser. Not because my life has became mundane and definitely not because I find it 'Bo Liao', but, because I see my life as being contented right now. I am currently comfortable in my daily life: be it at work, family life, marriage and in my own free time to do just about I like or fancy. No strings to bind me tightly, restricting my movements and how much time I would like to spend on each aspects of my life. No one to stop me on spending time with my parents, friends and hobbies of baking/cooking/shopping during my 'me time'. No one to dictate what time I can leave the house or what time I have to get home.

Although life isn't perfect yet for me but I guess coming from the lows of my life for the past nearly 12 years, I would say life is better and less stressful. No need to thread on thin ice to do my own stuff, no need to be extra careful on what I say due to fear of having my concerns being misunderstood, no fear of endless quarrels with husband, no worries about having a husband who digs up my past as a form of personal attack and I have a calm family life with both my parents and in laws.

Work and salary is acceptable. I don't need to worry on who to pay for meals or how to be calculatively dividing who to pay for what household expenses. I can be assure that I have a stable job as long as I don't mess up things or work systems. I have an understanding and appreciative manager, who values my loyalty and work performance. That is adequate for me.

I have my own free time to listen to music, cooking, baking, trying new recipes, shopping, going for solo walks or long bus rides to destress myself. Of course, at times I do think of him and my past but they don't get me as down as it used to be. I am more attuned and learnt to live with those memories, not allowing them to drag me down. I have let go and forgave him for all that he has done.

Life is just good enough for me now. Stay that way, please...