13 Years Later: Our Paths Crossed

It has been a long 13 years wondering how my first love/bf/stead/puppy love, Mr Ivan Teng, has gotten on in life, where on earth is he and if how he looks like now. Our paths crossed finally...
He is definitely aged, seems more matured, stubbier and though I am certain that he looks shorter than when I last saw him when we were 20 years old.

The Ivan Teng I knew and I had never let go was the 14, 20 years old Ivan Teng. The memories of him was in image of him when he was younger, when life was just starting for the both of us.

After seeing him earlier, I am sure, I don't regret letting this first relationship go. I had the chance to revive it when I was 20 years old but I am glad that I didn't revive it. He seems so in love with the Caucasian lady he was holding hands with, so much immersed in her world that he had even failed to recognize me or notice me as we walked past each other. Perhaps, I too have changed in looks, appearance too. We have both aged, move on in life, found someone else special in our lives as well as just maybe, happier that we left this puppy love alone to die down.

He might jolly well be happier 'cause I remember him to be more Western in his brought up and even flung his Mandarin/Mother Tongue language exams and tests. He was constantly mocked by the Chinese teacher for being unable to speak Mandarin fluently. He is definitely more suited to be with a Caucasian as a partner and led the more Western lifestyle.

It is today, that I have really Thank God for everything... I can finally assure my husband that he has no love rival after today.

The Ivan Teng I know is a memory of the past. I am just glad that we briefly passed by each other, at least, I know he is well and happily leading his own life. No more longing of what-ifs with him and this first and un-kindled love.

I feel liberated that he is just part of my teenage memories and no longings left for him.

Live well, Ivan! God Bless you and your wife/partner/girlfriend.

Hiatus Time

I guess that I would blogging lesser and lesser. Not because my life has became mundane and definitely not because I find it 'Bo Liao', but, because I see my life as being contented right now. I am currently comfortable in my daily life: be it at work, family life, marriage and in my own free time to do just about I like or fancy. No strings to bind me tightly, restricting my movements and how much time I would like to spend on each aspects of my life. No one to stop me on spending time with my parents, friends and hobbies of baking/cooking/shopping during my 'me time'. No one to dictate what time I can leave the house or what time I have to get home.

Although life isn't perfect yet for me but I guess coming from the lows of my life for the past nearly 12 years, I would say life is better and less stressful. No need to thread on thin ice to do my own stuff, no need to be extra careful on what I say due to fear of having my concerns being misunderstood, no fear of endless quarrels with husband, no worries about having a husband who digs up my past as a form of personal attack and I have a calm family life with both my parents and in laws.

Work and salary is acceptable. I don't need to worry on who to pay for meals or how to be calculatively dividing who to pay for what household expenses. I can be assure that I have a stable job as long as I don't mess up things or work systems. I have an understanding and appreciative manager, who values my loyalty and work performance. That is adequate for me.

I have my own free time to listen to music, cooking, baking, trying new recipes, shopping, going for solo walks or long bus rides to destress myself. Of course, at times I do think of him and my past but they don't get me as down as it used to be. I am more attuned and learnt to live with those memories, not allowing them to drag me down. I have let go and forgave him for all that he has done.

Life is just good enough for me now. Stay that way, please...

离婚后不要做朋友

删掉你手机的讯息 
清空你专属的抽屉 
如果可以的话 
多想 从来没认识过你 
置身少了你的空景 
何时不再触景伤情 
雨滴和泪滴 总是会混在一起 
你爱我 你伤我 不算什么 
反正我 绝不说 我多难过 
有你的我 没有你的我 
往后日子都得过 
你内疚 你难受 别告诉我 
免得我 又搞错 当作承诺 
谅解背后的颤抖 谁关心过 
我不坚强 离婚后不要做朋友 
我不善良 不想看你牵她的手 
该怎么走 就怎么走 
不必那么努力演洒脱轻松 
就算寂寞 离婚也不要做朋友 
就算宇宙 早就安排好这结果 
你曾经牢牢地 在我生命里附着 
我要如何去假装 我没有爱过 
终于不必为你挂心 
终于多点爱给自己 
好过不好过 都已跟你没关系 
你爱我 你伤我 不算什么 
反正我 绝不说 我多难过 
有你的我 没有你的我 
往后日子都得过 
你内疚 你难受 别告诉我 
免得我 又搞错 当作承诺 
谅解背后的颤抖 谁关心过 
我不坚强 离婚后不要做朋友 
我不善良 不想看你牵她的手 
该怎么走 就怎么走 
不必那么努力演洒脱轻松 
就算寂寞 离婚也不要做朋友 
就算宇宙 早就安排好这结果 
你曾经牢牢地 在我生命里附着 
我要如何去假装 我没有爱过 
我太爱了 离婚后做不了朋友 
泪流干了 还洗不掉那些温柔 
不要蹉跎 不要联络 
就让我安安静静走完以后 
我忘不了 我们曾不只是朋友 
从今以后 思念再走不到尽头 
你曾经紧紧地 把我拥在你怀中 
我要如何去假装 你没有爱过

Welcome To April 2016

1st April: April Fools Day
8th April: Happy Birthday to someone I once loved.
14th April: Happy Birthday to my Husband, the one who showed me what it is like to enjoy the life of marriage with parents and in laws.
28th April: Our 1st Wedding Anniversary. Cheers to many more years to come!

Missing My Granny

I miss this lady who had faith in me when the world out thought I would grow up to be a delinquent.
I miss this lady who doted on me and was biased in her love for me.
I miss this lady who was always easy-going and easily contented.

My life is blessed now because of her.
I believe that I am who I am now, because of her doings from Heaven.
It is she who removed me from a toxic marriage, only to give me a better marriage to a guy who would treasure me and love me for life.

I truly wish to see her again and hold her hands.
She is the only thing that I never regret having in my life.
I am glad that I am blessed by God to have her in my growing years as my grandmother.
Ah Ma, wait for me and till we meeting again in Heaven...

Strangers Again

I'd Be A Fool If I Couldn't See
How Things Have Changed Between You And Me
Maybe We Try Just A Little Too Hard
And Now We Are Strangers Again

I Kiss Your Lips But They Feel So Cold
I Still Remember We Used To Hold
On Those Cold And Lonely Nights We Make Love
And Now We Are Strangers Again

It's Hard To Believe
That There In Your Eyes, Stranger I See
And That The Only Song We Got Left To Play
Are The Memories Of Yesterday

Forgetting You

Many people has asked me on why I have not forgotten the past hurt and why (in their opinion) I have not moved on despite being remarried to someone better, someone who makes me happier than my ex-husband.

Internally, I would reply...
How am I supposed to forget someone who has hurt me so deeply? Someone who betrayed my trust to love me until death do us apart. Someone who broke his promise that I would be blissful with him. Someone who took the marriage oath in front of family and friends to stick with me through all aspects of life, only to turn his back on me after 6 years of marriage. Someone who reassured me that he would accept my flaws, only to tell me 12 years later that he doesn't love me anymore and can't stand me any furthur.

How am I to forget this person who inked his impression in my life for 12 years? The memories of how we grew from teenage life into adulthood, from polytechnic to his NS, to working full time and intergrating ourselves into the workforce. The memories of the ups and downs of being financially strapped students to being able to earn our own bucks. The memories of obstacles that we fought together just be a couple and prove that we were going to be together for good.

How am I to forget this guy who ruined my dreams of being happily married?

How am I to forget this guy who made my life such a pain as his wife, while he became egoistic and prideful?

How am I to forget this guy who made me believe in him and standby him from an underdog to a degree graduate, while I held back my own education and job opportunities just to give him the support he needed while pursuing his part time degree studies, only for him to look down on me after completing his studies and getting the job promotion he wanted?

How am I supposed to let go of this matter when there wasn't any proper closure nor apology from him? All he did was to throw me his decision to seek divorce and expected to sign the papers without a fight when he accused me of having unreasonable behaviour. A mere $5k to 'compensate' for everything he has put me through and wasted 12 years of my life. Pffft!

In conclusion, I have spoken to few divorcees and all of them share the same sentiments. Never being able to forget the hatred for their ex-husbands and the stance of un-forgiveness towards the trauma as well as pain they were put through by their ex-husbands. Hence, I guess I am not the odd one out of feeling the way I do towards my ex-husband.