End of 2021, Welcome 2022

As 2021 comes to an end and we start to welcome 2022, here are the things I am grateful for...

1) Husband - his love shown through daily actions, big or small. His initiative to put my needs above his, at times sacrificing his business to ensure my requests are met. His easy-going nature to give in to my frustrations, especially when my flares occurs to get me down or when work-related stress manifest into our after office hours life. Plus, his acts of support, unsaid means of reassuring me that no matter what decision I make, what I do (of course in the right and reasonable path of life) he is there behind me to comfort me should anything goes haywire. 

2) My 师傅s - through their blessings, prayers, amulets and lucky charms, I made it through another year quite smoothly. Of course hiccups were bound to have occurred, but I believe without their wisdoms and blessings, things could have been worse. Appreciate their willingness to attend to the requests of all devotees and those who have faith, trust and belief in them. Nothing is too big or too small for them to handle.

3) My immediate work supervisors/managers - their decision to promote me and never did discredit my ability to get work despite my invisible illness. They granted my leave for medical follow-ups and respected my MCs when I was truly down.

4) My buddy - although we didn't managed to meet up properly for the past 2 years due to the covid situation as well as our own commitments, her friendship and promptness to reply to messages or missed calls were unwavering. Her surprise gifts throughout the year, despite her busy schedules and 'checks' that I am still 'very much alive', in her words, makes me feel very blessed to have her as my buddy & close friend.

5) Other close friends - those who stood by me through the year, listening to my rants and offering me sound advices to make decision or to just basically allow me to get things off my chest for the sake of letting go of my irritations or 无奈.

6) 小人s- yes, I thank you for making me stronger, for making me see you in a new light and for your luck. For every one time that you have decided to backstab or gossip about me, the same one time your luck is taken away and accumulated to my merits for my benefits. I am sure I have benefited one way or another through your lost of luck.

I have no new resolutions for 2022, only wishes for it be smooth, mostly filled with joys and blessings, as well as better luck in all aspects of my life. I also wish the same for all my blog readers and those whose lives matters to me.

好的来，坏的去，有求必应，sadhu sadhu sadhu! 

Guess I am That Easily Forgetable

Maybe our memories meant nothing. 

Maybe whatever we went through nothing. 

Maybe there wasn't never 'we', 'us', 'our' in your mind. 

Maybe it was just Me, Myself and My Naive World. 

Flare In Progress

ทางผ่าน

I am just a fool for you

You always know that I loved you and I was down for whatever you wanted.

It's fine, though, you overlooked the things I did.

If your heart has changed, I will not hold you back.

I have accepted to let you go, or I am just a passerby for you.

I cry because my heart can't deal with the so much hurt you have given to me. 
One thing that I realized after so many years is that I've become a person you don't love. 

漸冷

你多冷漠的语言 没语言

想逼我说出再也不见

没关系 大可不必找理由 直接走

别担心 我会纠缠 求你别回头

不再想要有以后

现在的我们都想要出口

我能不能少爱你一点

像以前 以前一切的以前

有底线 会发泄 不像现在藏几面

如果你从来都没改变

不过是回到一个人的夜里

不过再没你唱睡前的歌曲

不再等 你渐冷的气温回升

你就不用再爱我一遍

像以前 以前你多么热烈

没谎言 不失联 只拥我一人入眠

梦里面 你出现的画面越来越远

我会做到少爱你一点

像以前 以前一切的以前

有底线 会发泄 不像现在藏几面

如果你从来都没改变

Why do all sad love songs point to you and how I felt when we finally parted... That bitter sweet yet having to be strong for myself and own sanity. 

错位时空

我吹过你吹过的晚风

那我们算不算相拥

可如梦初醒般的两手空空

心也空

我吹过你吹过的晚风

是否看过同样风景

像扰乱时差留在错位时空

终是空

我吹过你吹过的晚风

空气里弥漫着心痛

可我们最后在这错位时空

终成空

Don't miss you. But do wonder if you would think about us occasionally and on nights of insomnia... 

I Have Loss My Hearing

How should I start this post without feeling a sense of despair or negativity? I don't how so just let me rant. Let me get this feeling of hopelessness out.

Yes, I have loss my hearing, not sure if it is temporarily or permanently. Currently, trying this 'salvage therapy' involving taking high dose of steroids and anti-viral for the next 2 weeks to see if anything can be done to reverse this hearing loss. In medical terms, it is called Sudden Sensorial-Neuro Hearing Loss.

I actually notice this change in hearing abt 2 weeks back but during the first week, I thought it was the actual ear infection or impacted ear wax and tried to self-medicate. Then the next week, I went to a GP and was told it was Eustachian Tube Dysfunction, asked to try out a week of anti-congestants.

When I visited the ENT specialists, after doing the hearing test, it is finally reveal that I do have mild hearing loss but all my nasal anatomy as well as ear are all fine. No problems with ear wax, Eustachian Tube or even sinuses. But I feel like my sinus are ready to explode, I have a constant headache, there is a constant humming sound in my affected ear and now getting this news that I have hearing loss just makes me feel terrible.

Although on paper it is mild hearing loss, but the effects of it is great impact. I can't hear anyone talking to me when the surrounding is noisy, and I won't be able to hear anyone speaking to me without getting my attention first. I am experiencing something that I have never had to deal with before. And it scares me to think that I am losing my hearing at age 38! I still probably have a long way ahead of me if I do live to at least 70 or 80 yrs of age. If this hearing loss permanent then what? Hearing aid? So debilitating!

I already hate taking medication and now while on this 'salvage therapy', I have to take 14 tablets in the morning and 3 at night. Argh! If the therapy works, that's great, if it doesn't then I have to plan what's next installed. Steroidal treatment intra-membrane into the ear? 

Autoimmune Disease is damn't non-sparing! 

What's A Flare?

In the midst of a flare, and it is not time yet though. I am associating that it due to the Lunar New Year period, whereby I have been lack of proper rest, sleep and stressing over some home matters.

Just a little insight of what this auto-immune condition called Behcet's Disease does to me and how it affects me... 

So what's a flare for me? 

- multiple ulcers in the oral cavity (usually more than 3 that can be on my tongue, inner lips, tonsils or even gums). Making eating, speech, drinking, swallowing and oral movements more difficult than usual. 

- gum inflammation resulting in sensitive pain when consuming cold liquids or food.

- hypersalivation due to the body's own mechanism to 'lubricate' the ulcers, attempting to lessen the pain due to friction of oral movements. 

- various skin pustules, acne and abscess. This occurs at any part of the body, including scalp. 

- aches at any random joint, usually fingers, elbow, rib cage and even knee. 

So you may ask how do I cope? 

Basically:

A) eating as normally as I can. If I can't eat, I will drink soy milk to meet my nutrients needs. 

B) basically wearing long pants to cover up the skin abscess, tops with sleeve as shaving the armpit area would be painful. (yes, I will have abscess there too) 

C) living my life as normal as possible. Behcet's Disease is an Invisible Disease, which means, you won't really know unless I tell you or rather if you observant enough about me, then you notice the subtle change in my speech, eating habits or dressing. 

D) Sleep with a towel on my pillow to absorb the saliva and prevent soiling the pillow case with abscess that bursts during sleep. 

E) Accept my hair loss with each comb, shower and frequent vacuum of the floors. 

What medications are you on? 

Regular ones:

1) colchicine twice a day

2) multivitamin once a day

3) probiotics once a day

If flare starts:

4) tramadol for the pain before bedtime

5) Xanax for mental calmness before bedtime 

If flare worsens:

5) Dexamethasone in the morning 

6) Omeprazole in the morning

How do you feel now that you are nearly one year into this diagnosis? 

Honestly, I have accepted this is part of me, be it karma or whatever people would like to think it as, it doesn't matter as I have to live with it, like it or not. I have a supportive husband to understand my condition and its downtime it causes, so he copes with my flare with same mentality as me. More of my close friends and close cousins have been informed of this issue that I am living with. I also have my Thai Master and friends in the same religion who encourages me to always stay positive, think positively and live positively. Hence, this disease doesn't gets me too depressed as it did initially when I was newly-diagnosed. 

What's the outlook now? 

Basically live one day at a time and see how this disease progresses or improves. For the time being, my autoimmune doctor can't do much as my liver blood tests isn't optimal to start any stronger medications to suppress the flares occurences. 

Of course, I have read about the complications of this disease progression that can lead to stroke, blindness, deep-vein thrombosis and intestinal issues. I leave those in the hands of the One up there. No use worrying about it! It would come if it is meant to come. Just pray that when those more serious complications occur, my parents would be in Heaven by then and my darling Charcoal would have passed on, so as not to have extra burden on my husband. I don't fear the death that results from this disease, more of fear for the suffering of pain as well as burdening my husband to take care of me. I have adequate medical insurance to cover financial aspects if I have any disabilities due to the disease progression, so finances shouldn't be a much worrying issue. 

Ending my post to readers, whether you do me personally or just randomly chanced upon my blog, wishing you good health and happiness. Cherish your health, 'cause you may not never know when it can suddenly turn against you for no rhythm or reason. 

First Post of 2021-Lunar New Year Day 3

I would like to start the post wishing all that celebrates Lunar New Year aka Sping Festival aka Chinese New Year, a Prosperous year of the Ox ahead and Blessed 2021 With Much More Joys than 2020.

The past 6 weeks of 2021, has just gone by like that. But lots of emotions that I have been reflecting on...

1) My own divorce that had indirectly inspired my cousin to finally leave her husband, whom she had been married for about 17 years. She had enough of his infidelity and she is currently expecting a baby in April this year with her live-in bf. She is more worried of what our relatives in Sg may judge or say about her situation. So I told her that as long as she is sure about this guy, why bother what the gossipy relatives may say, its her life not theirs. Just like me, when I first decided to date my current husband, my parents, especially my mum, was not supportive of the relationship, constantly making unfair judgement about him based on his looks. However, now she realizes that I am happier person being with him and he is equally filial towards her. They now get very much along and I frequently enjoy our dinner as a family, chitting and socialising. (Something that I didn't get when I was with my ex-husband.) 

2) I had to deal with training 2 new staffs after receiving news of resignation of 2 staff. Dealing with an insecure newbie was really tedious, however, she is slowly gaining her confidence to deal with clinical administrative work. Then another staff has the experience in a private GP clinic, so she initially thought she knew it all but realized that private specialist sector can be more stressful, demanding and challenging, hence, her attitude is more tamed now.

3) My autoimmune has been more subdued. But of course, I still have those ulcer and abscess recurring monthly along with my menstrual cycle. Just that I am more about to cope with the flares with medications and self-psychology, instead of wallowing in self-pity. I kinda feel that this is gonna be a part of me until I die. Something that I have got to live with. So there isn't anything much I can do about hating or dreading it, as those negative feelings that makes which flare feel worse.

4) Did my prayers to 太岁 yesterday and to Rahu. Hopefully my 2021 would be more smooth-sailing than 2020. No more bad news to my health, no more work crappy politics, no more worries about crazy neighbours complaining of ceiling leakage once I settle my renovations probably during mid-end March.

That's so far my updates for past 6 weeks of 2021. Or rather my gripes and rant of my life so far in 2021. So till I blog again... Cya!