Low Self Esteem Kicks In

As school progresses, lecturers starts stressing on how strict they are with their marking of assignments and how high their expectations are, the fear of failing starts kicking in. When I am told that I would no longer be using APA-format for referencing style and told to read up on Harvard-referencing style, my heart starts pounding and anxiety kicks in. When lecturers say that our assignment would be put through this website called 'Turnitin' to check for evidence of plagiarism, I start to panic.
Then as I mingle around and start to find out that the lecturers indeed are very strict about the assignment marking criteria, I start to feel my self-esteem sink low...

It is same feeling I had when I had started studying years back for my Advanced Diploma, only now the feeling is worst. It sinks into my mind and acts like a devil constantly telling me that I would fail and won't be able to successfully get my degree. To make matters worst, my self-conscience is telling me that if I do fail this semester, I am to quit as I am not to waste anymore money on something that clearly shows that I am incapable of achieving...

Financially, I am tight. If I were to fail a module or a semester, it would be out of my budget to repeat it as I have to think about finances for my future house, which is supposedly due mid 2013 but now it would be estimated ready by end 2012 instead.

So if I think logically now, I do want my own roof over my head to shelter me from any more weird nonsense from my in laws side to tolerate. Moreover, it seems my brother in law has started dating again, this time she seems like a Malaysian, haven't got to meet her face to face but I have heard her voice around the house when he brought her back a few times. The latest is when she came over on last Sunday and started asking my mum in law about applying for flat in Singapore and having a discussion on how hard it is to get a flat. Here we go again... The cycle starts again... This time, I don't want to be embroiled in it. Time for my husband and me to move away from this complicate and dramatic life.

Recently, I have also considered leaving my current company as most of the capable staff/colleagues are planning to resign, leaving incompetent ones to continue working. I am not going to stay if I have to work with a bunch of incompetent imbeciles and poor management who refuses to grant me my office hours position back and keep giving me excuses to hold back my long-due promotion.

With so much on my mind, no wonder I am hyper-stress and starting to suffer from insomnia again... If only my husband knows how I really do feel about all these. But then again, no one would fully understand how and what I feel, 'cause they ain't me... He can only empathize a bit of what I am going through and encourage me to persevere on with my degree dreams as well as changing of job but I can't tell him how much I have to tolerate within his family or tell him about his brother and the potential trouble that i anticipate brewing again. After-all, blood is always thicker than water...

Guess, if all works out well for me, I would be really blessed! 2012, kindly be merciful on me and faster end for 2013 to come instead...